Spectators during delivery? Oh no.

[grey_pony]

I had planned that only DH and I would be in the hospital for delivery, since our families live far away. DH was to take 2 weeks of leave from work (since I have to return to school very soon after birth) and DH would have a couple weeks bonding time with our baby. Then my mom was going to come for a month after DH returned to work.

I was looking forward to DH and I bringing our baby into the world, just the two of us and the few medical personnel present, and then spending the first weeks adjusting to parenthood.

Well, my mom surprised me yesterday and showed up, after driving literally across the entire country. She and DH had been planning her surprise arrival for weeks! I am so excited to see her, but I have been panicking ever since. We are very close, but I just don't know if I can handle having her see me go through labor, maybe poop on myself, make awkward noises/positions, etc. It seems like such an intensely private thing to me. I barely want DH to watch. I am hoping for a natural drug free birth, and I just don't know how I will react, or if I want her watching.

I told her about my concerns and that I may ask her to step out of the room when I am pushing. She says she is fine with whatever I want, but I know the rest of our family thinks she should be in there and I know if she didn't have her heart set on being there, she wouldn't have come early. I have made it clear before that I want no spectators, and that I was fine with her coming when baby was 2 weeks old. So since she came early, I know it means a lot to her to be here for the birth of her first grandchild.

I am also super conflicted, because I know I have to make myself comfortable during labor. But I also want to make my mom feel included. She has had the shittiest year; my stepdad just passed away months ago from cancer. I can't bear the thought of hurting her feelings in any way. I am sure my mom will just be there quietly supporting me if I ask. Just the thought of anyone seeing me in labor makes me want to throw up, and have an anxiety attack. DH thinks it is my choice, but that I will regret if I don't allow her to be in there. I am so grateful she is here to help, but my anxiety just shot through the roof. I feel like I need to set aside my fears to avoid hurting my mom. Maybe if I give it a few days, I will grow comfortable with the idea?

 

[chuck]

Just tell them straight its your labour and birth you have who you want there.

Don't worry about hurting feelings, at the end of the day it is probable even more intimate than having sex in the first place and you wouldn't have them watching that would you!!??

You Ma has done this too remember she'll understand! If you want her to feel included assign her jobs during early labour and things to do to make the house perfect for when you get back, make sure she has a camera to take photos of you as a family afterwards..that kind of thing.

 

[chuck]

...My mum had travelled 250 miles to help me look after my toddler the week I was due, I went into labour when she was here and I told her straight Ma if I ask you to leave the room please just go upstairs or in the kitchen and I'll call you back when I'm ready!

 

[grey_pony]

She didn't really get a birth experience - I was born at 30 weeks, and she was unconscious for the c-section, I was in the hospital for months, and my mom nearly died. So I know it would be special to her (and I certainly hope I have a healthy delivery and baby). I think maybe I should just make clear my wishes - no looking at my "parts" and no coaching or lecturing me. DH is on board with my birth plan, but I'm not sure my mom really knows my intentions about natural birth and that I won't just be laying quietly in bed with an epidural. Plus, for some stupid reason, I am freaked about her seeing my stretch marks Thanks for the advice. I guess I will see how I feel at the time. I don't want to deny anyone anything, but I don't want to pass the baby around right away either. I am feeling super possessive the closer I get to delivery.

 

[katy1310]

Do you think perhaps she is just excited to be there to see the baby as soon as she's born, rather than waiting a couple of weeks to see her, and more that than wanting to be watching the birth? Sounds as if she's happy to go along with whatever you want. It's a very private experience and I'm sure she will understand that you only want DH there for actually giving birth.

Just make sure you go with whatever makes you comfortable - and once the baby is here, she'll just be so excited and delighted, she'll have forgotten about not being included in the actual birth! Perhaps she could stay with you for a lot of the labour but when things really start to get intense she could go and wait somewhere else?

Hope you get it worked out xxxx

 

[lynnikins]

i found my mum better support than my OH for most of my first labour, OH didnt know what to do and was fussing Mum just let me get on with it occasionally reminding me to eat or drink something, but she has done it 5 times herself so its not scary for her like it was for my OH,
If your mother hasnt been at a vaginal birth before let alone a natural med-free one then she might very well get anxious seeing you in pain.

I made it clear to my mum what her role was and that when i needed her to i expected her to step away or even leave the room if i asked and she was fine with that.