Sperm Donor

Jram502

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Hi. I'm 31 years old and have been TTC for over 2 years. I've been told I have PCOS and endometrosis which are all being treated. My husband recently had his work up done and they found no sperm in his ejaculation. They want him to give a second sample and then see a urologist. there might be scar tissue from a child hood surgery. or some kind of blockage. I don't have high hopes and I think it's going to come down using a sperm donor. And I'm not sure how I feel about that? has anyone here used a sperm donor. It's a big decision with a lot of questions. Do we tell people, do we tell the child, emotionally how is it on the parents, on the man?
 
And I'm not sure how I feel about that? has anyone here used a sperm donor. It's a big decision with a lot of questions. Do we tell people, do we tell the child, emotionally how is it on the parents, on the man?

I used a sperm donor to conceive my two kids because my husband also did not have any viable sperm and we thought the odds of them fixing that were small. It was an easy decision for us, but probably made easier by how open-minded my husband is. He really embraced the idea and refers to our daughters as "half-adopted". In some ways it was harder for me. I wish I had the joy of seeing parts of my husband emerge in my children.

My older daughter is very much like me. My baby (almost 1), I can already tell takes after the donor in some ways. Since I'm really grateful for our donors that is good, but it can also be a bit disconcerting.

We still have a hard time deciding what to say when to people. Our close friends and family all know, but some extended family members don't know. People tell me all the time that our daughters take after my husband and we just smile... its odd like that.

My older daughter still isn't quite old enough to understand the distinction. The one time she asked where babies come from I tried to be up front about special ways babies can be made, but I don't think she got it. We never found a children's book that really matched our story (since we used a known donors), but someday perhaps we'll write our own.

Most of the time now, we just don't remember that their origins were any different... their Daddy is everything to them and we are a happy family together... so we'll handle the rest we it comes up again. :)
 
Me and my husband are also thinking of using a sperm donor. We discussed it a few times and we are both very open to the idea, my husband does not think he's been replaced or anything and he knows he would love any child however we make them.

We think we would like to try that before we adopt because we would like to have a newborn at least once and because out of my three sisters and one brother and his sister only my brother has a 11 month old boy and we would really like our children to have cousins around their age. Then in a few years we want to adopt older children.

I'm so sorry I'm rambling here...

We would personally tell people that are close to us, our families and close friends. I don't know if we will tell all the extended family such as uncles and aunts... that seems to me like a weird thing to say at Christmas dinner.

The one thing I really really don't know is if we would tell our child... if we tell them when? And if we don't... can I live with that? I would have the impression of hiding something : /
 
I think Nimyra said it really well. Our story is much the same except we have a 13 month old now by a donor. We went into it pretty well informed with some very specific counseling or the situation as well as with my doctor telling us we were likely wasting our time and money on IUI since they thought my own issues were too much to overcome for a pregnancy to take. We were very blessed to have it work on just the second attempt and haven't looked back since.

Only our immediate family really knows and I think our biggest obstacle, even now is my husband's parents. We never told them our step of going the donor route until a couple weeks after we told them we were pregnant. We didn't want them to overthink it unless it had worked at the time but once they knew they were quite upset. My husband is their only child to marry and show an interest in starting a family and I think they were hoping for a grandchild with blood ties. They knew of our difficulties of course but they were pretty upset with us for choosing to use a donor. To this day his mom asks me to explain again why her son can't or "won't" have a biological child. They've also decided that they aren't telling anyone the full details on their side which my husband and I have agreed to if it is such a big deal to them. I can tell when they're with her though, they do really love her so I try not to hold their beliefs against them. They're quite traditional and I know they're trying hard in their own way.

In a way we are fortunate that our daughter is a virtual clone of myself, but we are told often how she has my husband's eyes by people who do not know. I think it ate at him some at first, but he's learning to roll with it and take it as the compliment that it is. Occasionally I will check in with him emotionally to see if he would rather try an IVF with ISCI and maybe have a biological child, but he is actually more excited for us to go ahead with the same donor for #2 because of the money savings (our insurance won't cover any IVF) and because he really does love our DD with all his heart.

I can honestly say that our decision to use a donor was the best one we'd made as a couple in our entire marriage. Wouldn't trade our girl for any other one in the world.

Best of luck and baby dust to you :)
 

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