Mervs Mum
Doula & Mum of 3!
- Joined
- Dec 29, 2007
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How the OB stole normal birth.....
Lots of women in Birthville
Liked normal birth a lot.
But the OB who practiced
in Birthville
Did NOT!
He hated birthing! The whole childbirth season.
Now, please dont ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be that his heart wasnt connected quite right.
It could be, perhaps, that his wallet was too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that he thought
His patients pelvises were two sizes too small.
But,
Whatever the reason,
His heart or his wallet,
He stood there, hating the women,
Who gave birth in Birthville without any gadgets or tools,
Who wanted to squat or give birth on a stool.
And he knew every woman in Birthville beneath
Was busy now, practicing her relaxation techniques.
And theyre squatting and breathing! he snarled with a sneer.
They wait past their due dates without any fear!!
Then he growled, with his fingers nervously drumming,
I MUST find a way to get those babies coming!
For, if he didnt, he knew
All the Birthville women would tell of the joys
Of birthing without drugs
And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!
Thats one thing he hated! The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!
Then the women in Birthville
Would wait and theyd wait.
Theyd wait for their labor
Though the babies were late!
They would refuse the pitocin, theyd give him no peace
Theyd write up birth plans
Which was something the OB couldnt stand in the least!
And THEN
Theyd do something he liked least of all!
Every woman in Birthville, the tall and the small,
Would stand close together, and coach each other
These normal birthers were becoming a bother!
Theyd walk! And theyd breathe!
Theyd moan and theyd sway!
And the more the OB thought of the birthing day
The more the he thought, I must stop this whole thing!
Why for fifty-three years Ive put up with it now!
I MUST stop normal birth!
But HOW? But HOW?
Then he got an idea!
An awful idea!
THE OB GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!
I know just what to do! He laughed in his throat.
And he hid a scalpel in his lab coat.
And he chuckled, and clucked, What a great OB trick!
With this coat and this scalpel, itll be very quick!
Ill tell them their pelvises
Are two sizes too small!
Ill tell them their babies wont
Fit through at all!
Ill tell them theyre risking
The lives of their babies
Theyll do what I say,
No ifs, buts, or maybes!
Then he loaded his bags
And headed on down
Toward Birthville, and the hospital
In the center of town.
He took the first patient who arrived in labor
And told her he was doing her a favor.
It would all be over in an hour or less,
She wouldnt have to push and she wouldnt make a mess.
Then he rushed her back to the OR with glee.
And NOW! grinned the OB, I will deliver the baby!
But the OB had scarcely pulled on his gloves,
When he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove.
He turned around fast, and he saw the small head
Of a baby who most certainly did not appear dead!
The OB had been caught by the very fast birth
And his patient now questioned, Why on earth
Did you tell me my pelvis was too small, and my baby would die?
Why did you try to cut me, why?
But, you know, that old OB was so smart and so slick
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!
Why, my sweet little patient, the OB lied,
Youre lucky you were in the hospital
Or YOU might have died!
But his fib didnt fool her, and
She said, Are you sure?
I read The Unnecesarean,
And study My Best Birth.
I keep up with Lamaze and Ive met Ina May,
Ill put my money on normal birth any day.
Then the OB thought of something he hadnt before!
Maybe birth, he thought, isnt just about the OR.
Maybe birth perhaps means a little bit more!
And what happened then ?
Well in Birthville they say
That the OBs small heart
Grew three sizes that day!
And the minute his wallet didnt feel quite so tight,
He whizzed through the labor deck in the bright morning light
And he brought back the doulas! And took out the IVs!
He handled the birth balls and birth stools with ease!
He took off the monitors and got the women up walking,
He visted their rooms and did a little talking.
He didnt scowl when they wanted no meds,
He didnt keep them confined to their beds.
He didnt complain that they were too loud,
And when his patient wanted to push, she was allowed.
And when she wanted to give birth on her hands & knees,
The OBTHE OB! delivered the baby with ease!