StepKids - Plz plz help me!

[trulymadly]

LONG STORY!!

Me and my OH have been together for over 2 yrs and are 4 wks away from having our 1st child together.

He has a boy and girl from ex and I have a boy who is older than the 2 of them. His Ex has always made it very clear she wants nothing to do with me or my son and is quite happy to ignore the fact our relationship exists. However there have always been massive issues with the way she raises the kids, they're always stinking dirty, have no manners whatsoever and to be honest I cannot stand being around them. And this is where my problem starts....

My 7yr son has started to get really stroppy around them and the other day got very upset and admitted to me he doesn't want to see them anymore. I feel as tho they r being forced into my life and I'm struggling with it but did not realise it was such an effect on my boy.
Me and my OH dont live together and at this rate never will because I don't want to be so involved with them. His ex has started bringing up my boys name in arguments with my OH for no reason which I MASSIVLY resent.
TBH if it wasn't for the fact I'm pregnant I'm not sure I would stick around even tho I do love my OH I'm not sure I'm ready to be a surrogate Mother to these little s**ts.
I worked really really hard on my own for 5 yrs to ensure my boy grew with manners, compassion and respect and I feel as tho its all being undone and as awful as it sounds I don't like going out with them in case people actually think they're mine.

None of this was an issue before I fell pregnant, OH seen kids 3 times a wk and that was that...now he wants me around everytime they're there and is having them for 2 nights on the weekend EVERY weekend which I'm starting to resent being so close to my due date. I don't know if its hormones or what, I feel like a b***h for saying these things but surely I need to do something when its upsetting my child so much.
Please help me.

How do I deal with this??
How can I make my son happy?
What do I say to my OH??? He's not happy with the way they're being raised either and I know he does his best with them.

 

[Baby France]

gosh...thats quite hard! I know you resent the children to some degree cos they're affecting your son but if you want to be with your OH you need to accept that they will ALWAYS be around.

What is it that your son doesn't like/appreciate about them because that may help in resolving things.

I have a step mum and the best thing she ever did was become my friend, maybe you can have a good relationship with your step children by doing the same which may result in better behaviour? In regards to being dirty, speak to OH or maybe 'freshen up' with them before you go out or get a proper night time routine in which ALL the children stick to?

Another thing is maybe having a 'parent' meeting but I doubt that will go down well?

 

[Baby France]

*his ex may not want to admit that your relationship exists...but by the sounds of her arguments ALL the children are unhappy and unsettled and maybe a parent meeting will help everyone?

Whether you, OH or ex like it or not you are all responsible for the well being of all children due to the relationship and surely keeping them happy and safe will only make your lives easier?

 

[billy2mm]

if the kids are not being looked after properly then you need to take it in hand and make sure they are looked after properly whether that be going to social serivces or applying for full custody in the courts. its not the kids fault they are misbehaving - its the way they have been raised. when they come to oh's for the weekend he needs to have fresh clean cothes to change them into to, bath and wash their hair and brush their teeth and wash the clothes that they arrived in ready to send them home in (im assuming the clothes are not in the best condition and as bad as it sounds you dont want to spend out money for her to not look after them properly)

 

[leeanne]

Step-parenting isn't an easy job and it's got it's highs and lows, but the kids are not the ones who are at fault here.

With that said, how long have you been with your OH?

When I met mine over 12 years ago, he had two children from two different exes. And, with one of the children, he also took her sister for visitation too up until a few years ago. So there was a big period of time when we had 3 every second weekend. When I came into the picture, they were 6 months, 1 year and 2 1/2 years old. So they were all very young.

It was difficult for me as I didn't have any kids and it was tough to get used to the idea of children around. Once I had mine, it was easier.

We've gone through court for child support and visitation when I was pregnant with my first. I've gone through the lows of dealing with two exes.

I never detested them though. Mostly they were good kids and still are. I had to adjust to them as they had to adjust to me. Now both are in their early teen years and have become my friend. One has moved in with us a few months ago.

If you love your OH and plan to stick with him, you need to adjust to his kids and not detest them. Talk to your OH and perhaps you and he can change the kids' attitudes when they are on visitation with you. Change the dirty habits and have clean clothes for them, make sure they bathe, etc. If you don't like their behaviors, make it known that that is not to be tolerated around you. Mostly, be a friend to them and be someone they can trust, not someone who they think stole their dad away. They won't change overnight, but can change little by little with some patience.

 

[trulymadly]

Thanks for the replies guys.

I don't hate his kids, and I know its not their fault they behave the way they do. The best way to probably put it is that if they weren't my OHs kids I would never let a child in my care mix with them.

They are made to bathe once a day and brush teeth etc when staying with their father and he is paying alot towards their care.

I get on better with the eldest child but the youngest just doesn't seem to understand any discipline at all and will kick, punch and spit at other kids, including my son. They re parents have been apart for 3 yrs so are both to young to remeber they were even together. OH has also been in contact with the school and they're very rarely there, but if he tries to discuss with the ex she flies off the handle and says she's doing her best. A parental meeting was offered to her just before I fell pregnant and she flatly refused.

My OH also intends to have them EVERY weekend and works during the week, so I'm quite upset that our child will have no 1-2-1 time with him at all because all his spare time is with them.

 

[ladyjayne]

This might just be me and I dont mean any offence by this as I know first hand that being a step parent is very hard and takes a lot of adjusting to but if things are as bad as you say why on earth does your OH let his kids stay there? If there dirty and uncared for and not attending school then your OH could have custody and certainly should be fighting for the best for his kids, which is probably why he wants them with him more.
There kids and will only do as there shown, my SD now knows the rules in my house are different to her mums and although she tests them she knows that i'll follow through with punishment, so you being there more often will help them to know how you expect them to behave and yes it will take time but its the same as raiseing your son, im sure he tess you from time to time. And if you brought him up with manners and to be kind you can show other children how to do it too, if you spend enough time with them.
I dont think that you should be upset that your child will share there time with their dad. Any 2nd born child shares there time with there parents and it does them no harm, your posts dont sound like you want to help these kids and that you want it to be just "your little family" you knew before your fell pregnant that he had these kids and now you'll have to accept that they are going to be a part of your childrens lives.

I know its upsetting to see that your son is suffering from this too and as a mother I know that your doing your best by him, i'm not sure what to suggest to make it easier on him though? hopefully if you and your OH can help there behaviour change then your son will be able to relate to them more and life will be eaiser for all! (im an idealist i know)

 

[trulymadly]

Like I said earlier Ladyjane it wasn't this bad before I fell pregnant, its literally just altered these last 4/5 months dramatically.

Its possible that you are right and I do want to live in a land of butterflies and rainbows, I'm also aware that life will never be 'ideal'. I feel alot better now I've found somewhere to vent, as I said it could just be my hormones making it more difficult for me to adjust and deal with certain situations.

I've decided to just take things one day at a time and make decisions as and when they arrive, not worry about the future too much, hopefully that'll work!

 

[netty]

i can relate to how you feel.
I struggle at times with my sd - i am trying to be tolerant but she is very spoilt and rubs my 2 boys up the wrong way very easily!!!

it is hard

 

[Ro2212]

I have a similar problem. My OH has a 3 year old son from a previous relationship. Most of the time he's an amazing little kid But tbh he has been spoilt rotten since he was born, and you can tell!
My son loves seeing him, for a few days, and then starts to struggle. My step son tends to get away with a lot of stuff, whereas my OH is quite tough on my son. Of course this leads to bickering between me and my OH and affects the kids too.
Every time my stepson comes to stay, my little boy has nightmares about him, and wakes up crying in the night saying "He's got to go home".
My son is nearly 5 and I hate seeing him struggle so much but I can't come between my OH and his son either. I'm stuck.
Last time he came up his mum threw such a strop that we had to have him for 3 weeks instead of 1, even tho I told them I wasn't well enough to cope with him for that long. Well, I ended up in hospital at the end of it cos I'd pushed my self too far! Not impressed. So we decided that he wouldn't come up until after baby is born as I'm really not well enough.
Well....I have 8 weeks left...and 4 of those he is going to be here!! 2 this month and 2 next! I got fed up and told my OH that it's fine but if I even think I'm going to start to struggle I'll be staying somewhere else until he's gone! I'm not putting myself or my baby at risk and am not going into hospital again! My son is at school now so it wont be too hard for him, and he will be with his dad at weekends so I'm hoping it will be easier for him this time, but if it's not I will stay somewhere else with him. I'm defo putting my foot down this time! Sick of being taken for a mug!

Rant over

 

[Lyndz]

I don't know what to say hun, but i do sympathise. I'm a step mum to an 8 year old boy who is an attention seeker, hates anyone else to have his parents time even when he gets plenty of 1-2-1 time, it's not enough for him, he's mean to his brother & sister at his mums end, really mean & is just terribly behaved. I dread the weekend coming & it's just sheer relief when it's over. I've been with his dad for nearly 6 years now & his behaviour has just got worse. He constatnly lies, even when we've seen what he's done, he'll lie.

Being a step parnet is WAAAAYY harder than being a parent & i don't think i'll ever relish my step parent role. I don't have any advice i'm afraid, just sympathy.

It'd be awesome to have a step parenting part or something on here. I'd bet a hell of a lot of people struggle with this role.

 

[trulymadly]

Thats exactly it Ro2212,
I get that he has these kids, and his past can't be changed, but even though it sounds heartless my kids are my main concern. I am worried about how the stress is affecting my baby and of course it breaks my heart to see my son so upset when he didn't ask for this either. It's also difficult for him to understand why OH has kids around so much when he see's his Dad 3hrs a week if he's lucky. I can hardly tell him it's because his dad is a waste of space.
It all just seems so wrong and although I knew it was going to be difficult, I never expected this.
x

 

[trulymadly]

And thank you Lyndz, I whole-heartedly agree with you.x

 

[Lyndz]

It all just seems so wrong and although I knew it was going to be difficult, I never expected this.
x

I never expected it to be so difficult either, i hate when poeple say "you knew what you were letting yourself in for" when really you don't. You don't know that the sweet lil kid you first meet is going to turn demon!

I hope things start looking up for you truley.

 

[Ro2212]

Thats exactly it Ro2212,
I get that he has these kids, and his past can't be changed, but even though it sounds heartless my kids are my main concern. I am worried about how the stress is affecting my baby and of course it breaks my heart to see my son so upset when he didn't ask for this either. It's also difficult for him to understand why OH has kids around so much when he see's his Dad 3hrs a week if he's lucky. I can hardly tell him it's because his dad is a waste of space.
It all just seems so wrong and although I knew it was going to be difficult, I never expected this.
x

I wish there was an easy answer I could give you. I think the only thing you can do is give your son loads of attention and cuddles and 1 on 1 time while they are there to try and make it easier for him. And don't feel guilty for spoiling him when they're there, he's your number 1, and rightly so!
And please don't feel guilty for feeling how you do. You fell in love with your OH, that doesn't always mean you're going to love his kids.
I really hope it gets easier for you! Sending lots of love and hugs your way!

 

[Sarahwoo]

Just to share my story, my step son was six when I first met him, and her was lovely. So to start with been a step mum was fine - I was 21 and had no kids of my own. Then when he got to about 8 he turned sooooo nasty, he would be just horrible to me - telling fibs, kicking, horrible. There were times when I really wondered if it was worth it. However I did stick with it and my step son is now 15 and a really good kid - very sensible and responsible. I feel completely different towards him now, and I never ever thought I would.

So there is light at the end of the tunnel - having said that if I had had a child who was been affected I think it would have been too much in the tough times.

I really feel for you, such a difficul situation

 

[Ro2212]

So there is light at the end of the tunnel - having said that if I had had a child who was been affected I think it would have been too much in the tough times.

I really feel for you, such a difficul situation

I'm glad things worked out well for you I think as kids get older it definitely gets easier, especially if they realise you're not that bad after all

 

[applelova911]

Oh my what a perfect thread to read after just having my OH's children for the weekend. I've complained before and maybe I'm an "old lady" as OH says and argues with me whenever I try to tell them what to do. Whenever they're not around for a week they come back to the house and it seems as though they forgot all the rules that are in our household. They eat/drink in the living room. They make a mess and don't clean up after themselves, then when I correct them it's a problem. This is how they are in their mom's house. They can't even open doors to their bedrooms because of all the clothes and toys in their room. I refuse to live that way. I'm not a neat freak because my house is messy at times but dirty and messy is completely different. Now OH isn't speaking to me because his kids came over the weekend and I so happened to "discipline them" by asking them to clean the table that they left messy. He even came out and said that I'm not their mother to tell them what to do IN FRONT OF THE CHILDREN. Now I know I will NEVER be respected by them being that their father said that so I now am going to REFUSE to do anything for them since I'm not "their Mother". I was so hurt because I have a daughter of my own who listens and respect OH because I make sure of it and I can see if I didn't treat my daughter the same, when she's wrong I correct her. OH said now that he's "TIRED" of this and me "picking" on his kids so now I'm having the silent treatment. These kids are 8 & 10, already grown to know right from wrong but I think OH feels so guilty of now having a child that he's going to be able to raise and they don't have him around as much so he lets them get away with everything. I think all children whether my own or not, need discipline in their lives. This shows them morals as well and also prepares them for the real world where tempertantrums and arguing isn't going to get you your way when you're working in the "REAL WORLD". Not everything in life is what we want how we want it and when we want it....

Sorry ladies I had to let that out. Don't get me wrong, I love these children to pieces but it aggravates me when they are so disrespectful and selfish. They're children! I blame their parents though because they're only a product of their enviornment. We shall see about OH. He always likes to say spiteful things when he's upset.

Sarahwoo, thank you so much for your light at the end of the tunnel story. That sure means alot. I know that when they get older or have children of their own they will see that my discipline wasn't meant to annoy them but just to show them that adults are the ones in charge and when they become adults and pay bills etc the things that I taught them were for their own good.

 

[Ro2212]

Wow, that sounds really hard applelova911! Think your OH needs a gentle kick up the backside! Sorry if that's out of order. I don't see how you did anything wrong at all. Whether you're their mother or not, they are staying in your house and should have to abide by your rules! Big hugs to you!! xx

 

[applelova911]

I agree Ro2212, OH definitely needs a kick up the backside. He said he needs "alone-time" now. So my DD is going with her dad this weekend and I will leave at the crack of dawn with my son and won't come back til the evening. I know everything is overwhelming for him with working from 11pm - 7 am then coming home and taking care of a newborn all day until I get home then to have a housefull of children on the weekends that don't let him catch up on his sleep. So it's alot all at once so I will just have to leave him be for a few to put himself together.