Still haven't Caught 5 Months after Baby Girls Heart Stopped at 19 Weeks

[jessicarachel]

I went to my 20 week scan on 16th December 2010. It was meant to be the best day of my life so far. What was I having?? I wanted to find out because I did, I was so excited as this was my first pregnancy I wanted to know what I was having. I don't know why but I had an eery feeling as soon as I walked into the room. No offence to the gentleman that was performing the scan but he was ever so clinical it just made me very uncomfortable but I still never imagined what was going to happen next. He took what seemed like forever to talk again. The next words were "I'm sorry I can't feel see a heartbeat or any movement". I was literally numb. I just couldn't register it. I just kept putting on this sweet smile (as everyone says I'm too polite) and saying ok, ok. He told me he couldn't tell the sex and the baby had stopped growing say 7 days earlier. I was then ushered into a small room. A room I have since been in way too many time. I hate this room. They never say anything good in this room. I was sent home that night, my dead baby inside me. I had to wait 2 days and then on 19th December I went to Hospital. It took 9 hours but my baby girl was delivered 18.40pm, called her Maisie, she was an advertisement for not being able to abort at 20 weeks. She was perfect, 10 little fingers, 10 little toes, my mouth and nose and Matthews chin and eyes. 8oz and 8 inches long. We stayed with her as long as we could. I signed the forms for her autopsy. It killed me to leave but I guess we had to at some point. It took months to get her back. Finally we did and had a funeral for her. Her Grave is so beautiful just like she was. I never thought I would have to visit my first baby, my baby girl at her grave. She would be 4 weeks old this Thursday. I have had all the results back and nothing. Nothing was wrong with either of us, her heart just stopped. It is so unfair and frustrating when you see so many women getting pregnant without wanting a child, smoking and drinking and eating thew wrong thing through pregnancy and I can honestly say I was the best pregnant woman ever. Everyone keeps saying. Oh that nothing was wrong is a good thing for the future. Well it doesn't really make me feel any better. Everyone keeps saying I need to constantly be positive but I'm sorry I can't. I have good days and bad days. I can't be positive all the time. They all say don't think about it and you'll catch again. How can you take your mind off something you want so much??? I'm still getting pains, they say that I have fluid on my pelvis which may mean something but may mean nothing. I have had so many tests and am still ongoing. I just want to catch so much and am so caught up in it mu anxiety is through the roof. So bad my neck has trapped nerves all through it and I feel sick and dizzy and my tongue is constantly on fire. I just want a baby so much. I'm 32, I'm getting old. I feel like less of a woman too as I want to give my boyfriend a baby so much and am terrified I never will. I just want to get pregnant and have a baby. Thanks for listening. xxx

 

[hannpin]

Jessicarachel I am so sorry for your loss, We had to say goodbye to our little boy at 20 weeks 2 and half months ago and I can so empathise with ypur longing for a baby, I too am obsessed with becoming pregnant again and longing to feel a little baby fluttering around

Keep strong my lovely, I hope it happens for us both soon xxxx

 

[Abblebubba]

 

[jojo23]

so sorry for your loss hun, i lost my little girl Lily at 22 weeks on 16th feb, im also obsessed with becoming pregnant again but im trying to keep my anxiety under control so im just leaving it to chance this month. i understand your anger hun i hate when people say oh you can have another like a baby is disposable!!?! i find it quite hard to visit Lily's grave just because i hate to think of her there...being honest it has gotten a little easier for me but i still think of her 20 times a day and will till the day i die, my due date is coming up soon and i know ill be a total mess but i have to stay stong because i want to get pregnant again so much and i know if im stressed it wont happen!


so sorry for what you had to go through hun to you and your little angel xxxx

 

[Bartness]

 

[ms.hope]

I am truly sorry for your loss and we are here to support each other.

 

[myfirstone]

I'm so sorry!!!!!

 

[Moti]

Jessicarachel - I am so sorry you're going through this..

Please don't let anyone tell you to "move on" or "get over it". It just doesn't work that way. Only those of us who have lost can understand this.

My thoughts are with you and your family.

 

[MissBabyFace]

I also lost my angel almost 6 months ago and we have yet to conceive also, it's weird, we only tried to conceive about a month before I got pregnant last time and this time nothing and we're really trying this time. Really hope we all conceive soon. x

 

[daopdesign]

I've just lost my little boy too at 16 weeks, I know how you are feeling but you must be positive and believe that you will have a healthy pregnancy in the future. My 18 month old was conceived on Clomid so I'm am terrified I was just lucky with my little lost one and will never get caught again. I'm going to try and be positive, good things will happen xxxx

 

[jessicarachel]

Thank you for your reply. It must still be so raw for you. Positive thoughts and prayers for us both. xxxxx

 

[jessicarachel]

Thank you all so much. I caught in just 2 months after being on the pill for 14 years so I was so happy. I just came back from her grave. It's just so unfair. Yesterday I cried for what seemed like forever. I have purchased some fertility aids today. Instead cups and also robitussin. Love hugs and positive thoughts to us all. Starting acupuncture next week. My anxiety has caused such bad physical symptoms my neck and tongue are in agony. thanks again xx

 

[Hotbump]

 

[Peril]

I am so sorry for your loss Jessicarachael. I want to give you some hope. February 2010 I had a phone call from hospital saying my bloods had come back and they were concerned and wanted to scan me to check baby. After a lot of pressing from me they eventually told me that my hcg was so low they believed I had miscarried, could I come in the following day for a scan. I told them I was not waiting a whole day not knowing. They agreed to do a basic scan to check. The baby was still alive. I was then told that the bloods indicated Edwards syndrome. I went back the following day and had an amniocentesis. 2 days later I was told that the baby was triploidy and not viable for living (this was my third loss - the second that was not viable for living). I delivered my baby on the 17th feb. It had taken 9 months to fall pregnant the 3rd time, and I did so the month Drs put me on medication and said dont get pregnant while taking it - I think I was putting too much pressure on myself to get pregnant and relaxing was what did it. After this loss we waited to see a specialist and when we were told that there was no link in the losses and I was 98% likely to have a healthy pregnancy next time we tried again. I fell 1st time after seeing her literally days after. I have now just had my healthy little girl who is 11 weeks, I am also 33 years old.

Please don't give up hope, my advice to you based on my experience is relax and don't pressure yourself, your psychological state can hamper conception. I have a friend who is a councillor and she was going to put me in touch with a colleague who specialises in women who can't get pregnant when there is nothing physical preventing it. This could be an option for yourself maybe??

I really wish you all the best and hope you fall quickly with a happy healthy baby xxxx

 

[hellywelly]

sorry xxxxxxxxx wishing you all the best xxxxxxxxx

 

[jessicarachel]

Thank you all. I will do my best to try to relax and not put pressure on myself. I will try xx