Struggling to see eye to eye with OH

[Surprised26]

Okay so this is my first baby, but my OH's second and everytime I mention how I would like to do things. IE I don't want bottles ever put in the microwave to warm milk. He freaks out going on about how he's had a baby before and the microwave is fine... but he isn't one to research and everything I read says the microwave creates hot spots and could hurt a baby's mouth. This is just one example. He feels like I'm trying to control everything by telling him my research, and I feel like he's trying to discredit me because I haven't been a parent yet anyone have any suggestions on how to compromise and not butt heads on everything (I have a hard time "compromising" when things are deemed unsafe )

 

[babe2ooo]

Aww hun that sounds annoying. When I had my first it was my husbands 2nd but luckily he didn't do that. Maybe sit down with him and have a chat about because its your first u are doing lots of research and that u don't like the way he is being.

 

[Gingerspice]

Equally though he has had one before so don't make hI'm feel like he's speaking rubbish because you've done some reading. I think it's about accepting what he says, acknowledge it and rather than directly refuting anything he saY's explain how it's been shown the use of microwave can create hot spots so you'd rather not do that given the additional risk, especially while trying to get things practiced etc. (As long as you shake bottle though and do some practice runs of timings req for preferred temp it could well be you do later on take that option as have managed the associated risks having got to grips with everything else new happening)

I think it's tricky to make sure you don't push men out anyway, and they are likely to take it even more personally when they have had previous experience and only trying to help make things easier by saying what they did last time as it is quicker and may simplify things for you.

 

[sethsmummy]

Hun you need to remember also that he HAS done this before so he will know that some of the things "research" says is "unsafe" is actually fine as long as its done properly. The compromise cant just come from him.. I dont mean to be rude or come across as horrible but until you have had your baby you dont know which of your research is valid and which isnt. For example I have always warmed bottles in the microwave and never once had a problem. You just have to make sure to shake it properly and leave it for a minute to make sure it gets no warmer.. which your other half will know to do. And as pp said too, learn how long it takes to get to the certain temp at each amount. When you find things like this online they think everyone is an idiot and will take the bottle straight from the microwave and stick it in the babies mouth. It doesnt take both sides of the story.

Its the same when you look into a lot of things. Unfortunately your partner does have the upper hand because he has had a baby before and will have done things certain ways and has actual experience of the situations which unfortunately in my honest opinion trumps something you can read on the internet... so for you to come along and now tell him basically he was a bad parent for doing those things will hurt and cause conflict (im not saying you outright say hes a bad parent.. but telling him he was doing things wrong is basically the same thing).

You need to sit down with him and talk over your what you have been researching hun and ask him how he did it with his first and how it went, then you will have to compromise as well as him. You wont agree on everything but thats just the way life is.

Is there anything that your particularly butting heads on hun? maybe some of us could give you a little insight like with the microwave? xxx

 

[MrsVenn]

I agree with the above, the key is to staying open minded. Advice and research is good but until you are actually living through it, it's difficult to apply. Sit down with him and explain to him the things you're worried about and listen to what his view is on it. Come to an agreement on an approach for each situation and try it when the time comes. If it doesn't work, then adapt it but you need to do it together.

 

[Mommy2missR]

Being a FTM is scary and like you I did a lot of research with my first, things to do not to do, etc. It all goes out the window when your baby gets here. You do what works best for you and baby. The micro the bottle thing.... I was of the same opinion until one sleep deprived night with a screaming baby I said eff it gave the bottle a quick zap and that was the end of that. My DD only slept on her tummy with her bum up in the air. Still sleeps that way 7 years later. Back is best? not if my baby won't sleep that way! BF is best? not when your newborn is jaundice, needs to nurse and can't latch! You OH may just be defensive (sounds like it) when you disagree or 'criticize' the way he did/does things. He needs to kind of take a step back and take a deep breath and realize that even though he has done this before you haven't and you are justifiably nervous. We are flip flopped here. This is my second and my DH's first. He has hearts stars rainbows clovers and blue moons about how this is going to go and I am just like...... um.............. yeah no.... it doesn't work like that. The book may say that, but reality, just no. But he will have to learn that for himself once DS gets here. Same thing for you. You will see when your LO gets here. And what worked for your OH the first time very well may not work the second time round. GL, my fingers are crossed for you that you guys can come to a truce in the meanwhile.

 

[Surprised26]

I understand the point of view that I don't know all the ins and outs and tricks of being a parent, but I also want to be allowed to figure things out because yes this is his second, but it's not the same baby and in the same sense not everything that worked with #1 is going to work for #2 and I shouldn't have to back down on every idea by default just because I'm new at it. Some of the things that he insists upon are

1) Using only name brand formula (FDA regulations demand that formula be meet the same standards across the board, so I feel that if the nutritional content is the same and pending if baby takes to it, that paying extra for the name on the label isn't necessary) **No breast is best rants please, I've weighed my decision heavily**

2) We MUST use Playtex drop in bottles. (Although I'm not against trying them, I feel the added cost might end up being an issue down the road, but I did give into this one and purchase a couple to try along with the liners...I'm just fearful of the "what-ifs" of not being able to get liners, but baby still needing to eat and being used to this type bottle)

3) No hair bows, hats, or headbands, because "Baby won't like them"

4) We don't need a swing/bouncer. No reason for this one, but I don't know the problem with me getting one when I'm paying for it?

I do tend to over analyze, but I try to learn all I can and make informed decisions, and I feel that I'm not allowed any decisions because I haven't experienced parenthood and personally I think that's bs.

 

[calm81]

I understand the point of view that I don't know all the ins and outs and tricks of being a parent, but I also want to be allowed to figure things out because yes this is his second, but it's not the same baby and in the same sense not everything that worked with #1 is going to work for #2 and I shouldn't have to back down on every idea by default just because I'm new at it. Some of the things that he insists upon are

1) Using only name brand formula (FDA regulations demand that formula be meet the same standards across the board, so I feel that if the nutritional content is the same and pending if baby takes to it, that paying extra for the name on the label isn't necessary) **No breast is best rants please, I've weighed my decision heavily**

2) We MUST use Playtex drop in bottles. (Although I'm not against trying them, I feel the added cost might end up being an issue down the road, but I did give into this one and purchase a couple to try along with the liners...I'm just fearful of the "what-ifs" of not being able to get liners, but baby still needing to eat and being used to this type bottle)

3) No hair bows, hats, or headbands, because "Baby won't like them"

4) We don't need a swing/bouncer. No reason for this one, but I don't know the problem with me getting one when I'm paying for it?

I do tend to over analyze, but I try to learn all I can and make informed decisions, and I feel that I'm not allowed any decisions because I haven't experienced parenthood and personally I think that's bs.

"4) We don't need a swing/bouncer. No reason for this one, but I don't know the problem with me getting one when I'm paying for it?" Whaaaaa?? I don't have advice about the rest, but I'm pregnant with my third and can safely say the SWING saved dh and my peace of mind!!!! The swing has aways been my life saver!! My old one finally crapped out and I quickly got a new one for this baby.

 

[Luvspnk31]

I'm not sure why ur oh is being so adamant abou the formula or bottles, but when it comes to the swing, I would insist. I agree with the above. The swing has always been my lifesaver. I would acknowledge and validate him and what he has to say, but also remind him that every baby is different, and what works for #1 doesn't always work (or won't work ) for #2. I'm pg with #5 and I can tell you, while each had similarities, they all had different likes/dislikes.

 

[misscyn]

I understand the point of view that I don't know all the ins and outs and tricks of being a parent, but I also want to be allowed to figure things out because yes this is his second, but it's not the same baby and in the same sense not everything that worked with #1 is going to work for #2 and I shouldn't have to back down on every idea by default just because I'm new at it. Some of the things that he insists upon are

1) Using only name brand formula (FDA regulations demand that formula be meet the same standards across the board, so I feel that if the nutritional content is the same and pending if baby takes to it, that paying extra for the name on the label isn't necessary) **No breast is best rants please, I've weighed my decision heavily**

2) We MUST use Playtex drop in bottles. (Although I'm not against trying them, I feel the added cost might end up being an issue down the road, but I did give into this one and purchase a couple to try along with the liners...I'm just fearful of the "what-ifs" of not being able to get liners, but baby still needing to eat and being used to this type bottle)

3) No hair bows, hats, or headbands, because "Baby won't like them"

4) We don't need a swing/bouncer. No reason for this one, but I don't know the problem with me getting one when I'm paying for it?

I do tend to over analyze, but I try to learn all I can and make informed decisions, and I feel that I'm not allowed any decisions because I haven't experienced parenthood and personally I think that's bs.

You almost make me appreciate my OH who doesn't give a hoot about any baby stuff!

 

[mandi21a]

I would explain to him that every baby is different and what may have worked for his first might not work for your new baby. Perhaps your child won't like the playtex bottle? Then what's he going to do ! ... Good luck !

 

[hanni]

I can totally understand why you're annoyed. It sounds like he needs to just bite his lip and hear you out about things, i'm sure every first time parent makes decisions before baby comes that they don't stick to, you're allowed to! Thats the joys of being a first timer. How else are we suppose to learn?
I'm certain half time I talk to my mum about what I'm going to do/not do she's secretly thinking "yeah right!" But she just bites her tongue.

He have more experience, but as long as you're not spending ridiculous amounts of money on something unnecessary then who cares? You'll get there in the end and discover the best ways for yourself. His ways might not be the right ones for this baby anyway.

As if it's not bad enough that as a first timer every one gives you constant unwanted advice about every single thing anyway, never mind your partner questioning everything you do as well 😫

 

[ambertwogood]

Didn't want to read and run on you, although I really don't have much to add to what has already been advised. But, I think that this may just be a situation where you are just going to have to sort of wing it. Keep in mind that is pretty much what we are all doing anyways, and chances are that when baby gets here things won't go exactly as planned anyways. Your oh will change his mind about some of that stuff if he sees that it clearly isn't working once lo is here, like what if baby doesn't take the formula he buys? Some babies are picky. And on the swing n such, if you're paying for it yourself then I don't see the harm. But maybe if you suggested buying a second hand one to him he would be more open to it, maybe he just thinks the costs of new ones are crazy and if his other child never needed or used one he may be having a difficult time justfying paying that much money for something in his eyes is not needed or just frivolous.... Good luck gun. I wouldn't sweat it too much though. Once baby gets here everything will change and you guts will eventually get on the same page as the lo will be calling the shots from that point due to likes and dislikes of their own and you and oh's opinions on this stuff previous will just kind of fade away. Guess I had more to say than I thought. Lol. Good luck to you. You'll get it all worked out.

 

[RaspberryK]

You know what, unless he's the one going to be at home 24/7 doing the baby care I think he needs to listen to what you think will help.
We couldn't have cooked or eaten a hot meal without a bouncer and I used to take the swing into the bathroom with me so I could shower.
Anything that keeps them happy while you are not holding them for 10 mins while you do something necessary is essential in my opinion.
Xx

 

[sethsmummy]

1) Using only name brand formula (FDA regulations demand that formula be meet the same standards across the board, so I feel that if the nutritional content is the same and pending if baby takes to it, that paying extra for the name on the label isn't necessary) **No breast is best rants please, I've weighed my decision heavily**

Ive never heard of a non named brand formula so couldnt comment on this one.

2) We MUST use Playtex drop in bottles. (Although I'm not against trying them, I feel the added cost might end up being an issue down the road, but I did give into this one and purchase a couple to try along with the liners...I'm just fearful of the "what-ifs" of not being able to get liners, but baby still needing to eat and being used to this type bottle)

i had to just google these lol. baby might not even like these bottles so it might be a no go anyway. With my second baby he would only take MAM bottles.. any other bottle he fussed and couldnt latch properly

3) No hair bows, hats, or headbands, because "Baby won't like them"

baby wont give a darn as long as theyre not hurting and hats are a necessity when its cold.

4) We don't need a swing/bouncer. No reason for this one, but I don't know the problem with me getting one when I'm paying for it?

does he expect to be holding this baby 24/7? a bouncer or a swing in my eyes is a necessity. I would never have gotten anything done without my bouncer or swing with either of my children! If your paying for it just go ahead and buy it hun.

With your first post i actually thought it would just be little things like the microwave thing.. but your oh is actually being rediculous!

 

[bdb84]

Compromise.

Ask him what is his most important "rule" and accept it for what it is. Name brand formula only? Well, then so be it. If he's okay spending the extra money, then let him. If it's not going to hurt your baby, or your bank account, let it go.

No swing or bouncer? He must be a stay at home dad then, because surely he realizes that this means no breaks for the parent unless baby is sleeping in her crib. This is one where I say the one doing the majority of the baby tending can pull rank.

Playtex drop ins only? Sure.. so long as baby will accept them. My son would ONLY take to Avent bottles, even though we tried nearly every brand out there.