bluemonday
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- Jan 5, 2015
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Hi everyone,
First, I want to say how very sorry I am for all of your losses. I know the pain and heartache all too well.
I had my second miscarriage this past July. It was very much a (happy!) surprise pregnancy, and my partner and I were over the moon. I was a bit scared, however, because I'd had a missed miscarriage (baby showed as deceased at 12 week scan) in 2012 which was very shocking and traumatic for me (fetal testing after my D and C showed that my daughter had a severe case of down syndrome and her heart could not develop normally, which is why she died). Still, I did all the right things, made sure I was as healthy as possible, etc, and I remained positive. After seeing the heartbeat at 7 weeks, my progesterone dropped at 8 weeks. I was quite alarmed and pressed the doc for a scan at 9 weeks. Sure enough, our baby was dead. We were both devastated. I was a wreck.
Found out after D and C it was a boy, and he had trisomy 22, which is incompatible with life. Absolutely heartbreaking to say the least. My partner was very supportive of me after our loss and we got closer. I thought I had gotten past the worst of grief, and have been in counseling to process everything. However, it's been over five months and I am finding that I am not coping so well. It's a real struggle to not break out in tears whenever I see a pregnant woman. I feel so terrible, but I can't deal to hear about people I know who are pregnant now and whose babies are due around the time my baby was due (I was due February 14).
Today I accidentally ran into a couple I had known as acquaintances. I had heard about their pregnancy a few weeks ago and had a meltdown. they had moved away but were in town today, and I could barely look at them when they came in to the cafe and approached me. It was difficult to speak. Worse to hear her talk about the baby kicking, their baby shower they had just come from, how the baby is coming soon, etc. It took all my strength to not burst in to tears. My partner was there, and I could barely look at him. It makes it all the worse because he doesn't understand my feeling this way. When I told him a few weeks ago how difficult it is to hear about their pregnancy, he told me it should not bother me at all because their fortune has nothing to do with our misfortune; one does not equal the other. While I know he is right, logically speaking, it came across so harshly. It seemed so cold and callous and hurtful. I think it's the most insensitive thing anyone has ever said to me, really. Which made me angry. When I told him I felt what he said was cold and insensitive, he got angry with me. We almost had an argument over it so I dropped it. Then when I saw the couple today I was polite, made small talk, but then left shortly after (I was leaving anyway).
I feel like a terrible person for feeling so upset over their happiness (3 other people I know are having babies in the next month or two, as well, but I can avoid them), and I am surprised how badly it hit me today. I went home and have been crying on and off the past few hours. I have no one to talk to about any of this (especially not my partner), so I thought I'd post and vent here. I don't want to feel this way about others' pregnancies and births, and I will bring it up in therapy this week, but I am really struggling with my self pity and sorrow right now....
Thanks for reading.
First, I want to say how very sorry I am for all of your losses. I know the pain and heartache all too well.
I had my second miscarriage this past July. It was very much a (happy!) surprise pregnancy, and my partner and I were over the moon. I was a bit scared, however, because I'd had a missed miscarriage (baby showed as deceased at 12 week scan) in 2012 which was very shocking and traumatic for me (fetal testing after my D and C showed that my daughter had a severe case of down syndrome and her heart could not develop normally, which is why she died). Still, I did all the right things, made sure I was as healthy as possible, etc, and I remained positive. After seeing the heartbeat at 7 weeks, my progesterone dropped at 8 weeks. I was quite alarmed and pressed the doc for a scan at 9 weeks. Sure enough, our baby was dead. We were both devastated. I was a wreck.
Found out after D and C it was a boy, and he had trisomy 22, which is incompatible with life. Absolutely heartbreaking to say the least. My partner was very supportive of me after our loss and we got closer. I thought I had gotten past the worst of grief, and have been in counseling to process everything. However, it's been over five months and I am finding that I am not coping so well. It's a real struggle to not break out in tears whenever I see a pregnant woman. I feel so terrible, but I can't deal to hear about people I know who are pregnant now and whose babies are due around the time my baby was due (I was due February 14).
Today I accidentally ran into a couple I had known as acquaintances. I had heard about their pregnancy a few weeks ago and had a meltdown. they had moved away but were in town today, and I could barely look at them when they came in to the cafe and approached me. It was difficult to speak. Worse to hear her talk about the baby kicking, their baby shower they had just come from, how the baby is coming soon, etc. It took all my strength to not burst in to tears. My partner was there, and I could barely look at him. It makes it all the worse because he doesn't understand my feeling this way. When I told him a few weeks ago how difficult it is to hear about their pregnancy, he told me it should not bother me at all because their fortune has nothing to do with our misfortune; one does not equal the other. While I know he is right, logically speaking, it came across so harshly. It seemed so cold and callous and hurtful. I think it's the most insensitive thing anyone has ever said to me, really. Which made me angry. When I told him I felt what he said was cold and insensitive, he got angry with me. We almost had an argument over it so I dropped it. Then when I saw the couple today I was polite, made small talk, but then left shortly after (I was leaving anyway).
I feel like a terrible person for feeling so upset over their happiness (3 other people I know are having babies in the next month or two, as well, but I can avoid them), and I am surprised how badly it hit me today. I went home and have been crying on and off the past few hours. I have no one to talk to about any of this (especially not my partner), so I thought I'd post and vent here. I don't want to feel this way about others' pregnancies and births, and I will bring it up in therapy this week, but I am really struggling with my self pity and sorrow right now....
Thanks for reading.
