Super long - stuff to get off my chest

S

SaltnVinegar

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Hello,

I just feel like I need to get a bit of support because I'm so scared. I am 25. I split up with my boyfriend of over a year the other day. I am 10 weeks pregnant tomorrow.

My ex (he's 26) was very dependent on his mum. He had never had a job until 9/10 months into our relationship. He then got a temp job after lots of nagging from me and the fact he had been relying on job seekers since he left college (at 18). He then found another 2 temp jobs but lost them after a few weeks. He doesn't want to accept help in applying for jobs as he isn't getting interviews.

He can't drive. I drove us everywhere and it drove me potty. He can't cook, except soup or Supernoodles. His mum tidied his room, cooks for him and generally still treats him like an 8 year old. He never looked after his mum, like help her tidy. He just either watched tv or went on the Internet.

He never spoke to any of my friends or family and wouldn't talk to people he didn't know because he said he was shy - I found it very embarrassing, especially as the months passed. He wasn't giving at all, I would drive him places or buy him little things, he didn't do the same back. I couldn't trust him, he told little lies to his mum about me and chatted to a lot of girls online and told them that he liked them and wanted to know more about them (maybe that bit makes me sound jealous ... I don't know). He has no experience with babies and as he can't look after himself & shows no willingness to learn, how can he look after a baby?

I must admit I think I mothered him. I tried to teach him to cook, we went on holiday, we went on city breaks, went to gigs and a music festival and had a nice time. I think there must've been a point when I loved him, I just can't specifically remember when it started to fade.

He frustrated me a lot by not looking after me like I thought boyfriends should. I tried to explain to him that maybe I needed something more than he could give in a relationship, he got upset and refused to split up and promised to change. He didn't.

We were never very careful with protection. I was on the mini pill for 5/6 months but it didn't agree with me. So we both agreed I would stop taking it. We didn't use condoms or any other form of contraception. Looking back now, our relationship was very physical. We would BD whenever we saw each other. We both had high sex drives and he was good at it (despite being a virgin when I met him). This all sounds really stupid looking back, I know this.

I live with my parents but I am very independent. Money doesn't really allow me to move out. Anyway, I found out I was pregnant on the 21st February. I was home that day and waited until my mum came home. I told her and I cried. I asked her to be there when I told my dad. Having an 'A' word was never a thought, I just couldn't do it. I know I can look after a baby because of past experiences with babies and kids.

I waited a few hours to tell my ex. I didn't know how he would react. He didn't work at the time and (in-between temp job two and three). I know this was a bit cowardly but he lives a 40 minute drive away so I phoned him to tell him. He asked if I was going to keep it, I explained I would.

I had some brown discharge when I was 6 weeks and was referred by an emergency doctor for an early scan. My ex didn't come to this or a follow up one a week later. I tried to get him to come to the second one, he didn't. I was scared. My mum came with me and loved it. He's not really emotionally available for me and presumed a lot of things, like baby would take his surname, who could babysit and that he would come to the dating and anomaly scans.

Since then, my parents have been totally supportive. Although my ex wanted us to move in together, I knew this was out of the question until he had a permanent job and told him so. He said he would get a flat near where I live so he could see the baby. I thought it was cute but I had an uneasy feeling about it. I can't really say why, I just did. *My parents are going to let me live here when the baby comes for as long as I want to (they really are and have been amazing).

Since I found out I was pregnant, I've had relatively bad nausea and sickness, have been super tired and very worried about whether my ex would buck up his ideas and get a permanent job, even if it was in a supermarket. Babies are expensive. Luckily my sister is going to let me borrow some bits and pieces to help with the costs although I do have £3k saved up. I think, by the time baby is here, I can save another £2-3k. I'm not being very hopeful that my ex will be able to contribute much. I don't want it to sound like I slagging him off, he is an alright guy, he's just clueless.

I had my booking appointment with the midwife the day before we split up. It made it all seem slightly more real. She took bliss and found that I had an irregular pulse, probably hormone related. At my first scan I'll see a consultant about this and will get more bloods done. When I told my ex that the midwife took blood, he said that he was glad he didn't come because he would've fainted. I have no idea what he would've done at the birth!

When I split up with him (again it was over the phone - perhaps I am a coward) he didn't put up much of a fight which I was pleased about. He asked if he could come to the scan - I explained about the blood and consultant visits and we agreed it was best he didn't come. He then asked if he could either be there at the birth or loiter in the corridor while I gave birth, I just said it was a way off yet and I'd decide nearer the time. I don't want him in the room when I do give birth, I think it'd be inappropriate and I don't think he'll be able to loiter outside due to security. At the moment I'd rather have the baby, come home after the 4 hours, get settled in and then he can come over. Is that wrong of me?

Of course he'll be on the birth certificate but I'm preparing to do this by myself financially. Of course my parent's will always be there for me if I need help but i don't want to rely on them because this is my baby, they've already raised their kids.

It's odd being single again and I'm half scared I won't find a boyfriend after I have a baby. That is awfully self centred of me to think that but I can't help it. I'm sorry this is so long, I'm just scared and want the best for my baby.
 
First of all, big hugs! I think it takes a lot to do what you did. Many women stay with men even though they are unhappy, just because they are pregnant. It is really great you have awesome support from your parents. As long as you have someone supportive in your life, you will do great! I don't think it's wrong of you at all to not want him there for those things. You are the one going through the pregnancy. I do hope you will give him the chance to be a dad when the baby is born. Perhaps this will cause him to grow up & sometimes the ones we expect to be the worst parents, end up being the best. It's nice that you can live with your parents for as long as you need because you'll be able to save up more money. It's also great you have savings already. It sounds like you are a responsible person and have a good head on your shoulders! I think you will do great and don't worry about not finding a boyfriend after having a baby. I was married when I had my son & we were married for 5 years. I was young 18-22 & even being a newly divorced single 22 year old mom, I did just fine on the dating scene. Sure, it will turn some guys away, but those are the ones you don't want anyway, ones who are scared of kids & who aren't mature. I think it even improves your chances of finding a good quality guy! One who will be understanding and patient and like kids!
 
Well done for leaving! you did the right thing. I stayed with my ex for 6 years out of fear of being single and just so my son would have his dad around. Which was wrong for me, so im glad you were strong enough to leave :)

Dont feel bad for not wanting him at pregnancy related stuff, thats your choice at the end of the day. So long he gets the chance to be a dad at the end of it, thats the important thing. I think its also very wise of you to prepare to do this with no financial help from him, from experience, they dont change.

Dont worry about getting a boyfriend for now, I have the same fear, but one day you will meet someone amazing :)

*BIG hugs!*
 
I feel you, seriously. My ex/FOB were broken up when I found out I was pregnant. I was 8 weeks. He bounced from job to job. He was a pisces. This is how pisces men are.

But anyways,

let me know if you need anything ever! you can pm me because I've been there. And, just don't worry too much. It's not good for the baby! I had the same fear about not getting a boyfriend when we broke up, but I got one at 19 weeks. He stayed with me throughout my whole pregnancy and was really great to tegan, but I decided I needed my space and I needed to be alone and focus on my daughter.


:hugs:
 

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