*sigh* sorry i havent been on for a while... i hope everybody is ok me... well... im getting there. John-Rhys is now over a month old and im still not getting to grips with this 'mum' thing. it hurts so much ya know... when you just cant bond with your son. god im crying already. im so bloody tired. i guess i dont know what im trying to achieve by writing this, maybe i just need a good cry. colin has gone away for a week with work and has left me with this screaming, hungry, smelly baby and i just dont know what to do. i dont want to feed him i dont want to hug him i dont want to change his stupid nappy one more time. but yet i have to. because thats what he needs me to do. i sound so selfish i know, and its not like im going to leave Rhys to starve of anything, i know what i have to do as a mum and of course i will do it. colin is the one who does the cuddles and the bathtime and all the bonding stuff but now he's away i find i have to do it and to be honest i just cant. i didnt bond with Rhys after i had him and its just too late now. i just find myself sat there staring at him thinking 'oh god please dont expect me to cuddle you' why am i like this? god im such a crap mum. i went to the doctors and hes like 'how are you coping?' and i answer 'yeah im fine, fine , fine, fine' *sigh* im sorry for letting it all out but i just cant let anybody know how i feel inside. i love my son, im sure i do, but i just cant express it. im just too tired.