Telling family who won't be happy for you

siempre

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I'm 11 weeks pregnant with twins via IVF (first pregnancy). We have only told a few very close friends, no parents yet. While I'm sure my husband's family will be happy (perhaps over the top), I'm very worried about my family's reaction, specifically my mother and sister. We are both 34, professionals, financially quite stable, married 6 years, etc. We are in a great spot to finally have children, and we struggled for over a year to get to this point. Here is the problem: I have an older sister (she's 38) who is unmarried, has been through a broken engagement, no children, very socially awkward, trouble keeping/making friends, etc. She lives a very solitary life basically going to work and to home and repeat. I feel bad for her. But she has made her life this way and does not accept input or help from anyone. My parents have tried to get her to go to counseling because she seems constantly unhappy and angry with life. She has refused. She does not speak to me, unless I make the effort to travel over 1000 miles to my hometown, and even then it is one word answers with almost no "real" conversation. It's very depressing. When I got married she did not want to come to the wedding (let alone be in it). My mother was extremely upset and she ultimately did show up. When I graduated from graduate school, she again refused to come to the ceremony, my family was again very upset, she showed up at the last minute and proceeded to start a HUGE fight with my parents which resulted in my grandmother leaving the dinner table and sitting in the car. It is a constant struggle and seemingly a constant fight when she is around. I really hate to think that announcing my pregnancy will be the same thing. I want to spare her feelings and I THINK they best way to do so is to tell my mother privately and allow her to tell my sister, rather than making a big scene of it. My mother usually defends her behavior because she doesn't want to cause a bigger fight. I just really do not know how to tell them, I'm dreading it as I think rather than the usual congratulations and we are happy for you comments, it will be met with dread of how my sister will handle the news.
SIGH.
 
Ugh, I feel badly for you. I don't have a ton to say except I can empathize. I had a similar experience around my wedding but I was able to 'fix it' by talking to my mom and my sister about it. I'm not sure if this is a realistic solution in your case. I was very honest with them about how I felt, that I was being treated unfairly, they were making things about them and making issues out of things that weren't really problems etc...It took them some time to come around and think about what I was saying but things did get better. Plus I felt better for at least saying my piece. Not sure if your sister will ever 'come around' but your mom sounds reasonable - she's just nervous about making waves or making things 'worse'.

ETA: I guess my point is you're being treated unfairly. And you always will be if all the family members set things up to 'protect' your sister.
 
Firstly, congratulations and Welcome to the twin club :winkwink:

In all honesty it sounds like your sister may be on the Autistic Spectrum the way you describe her behaviors (aspergers syndrome)... But that aside her dealing with your news isn't going to start to happen until she knows!

You know how it's going to go down... if i were you i'd just get it out there and let your sister start coming to terms with it... she seems to come round eventually but just needs time to process and accept what is happening x good luck x
 
:hugs: I had the same situation with my mother and brother, family who would either be lukewarm or unsupportive. I told each individually and both were civil enough, but we've avoided contact since really. It's such a shame, I know how much it sucks...My strategy has been to revel in the joy of real friends and my partner's family who are all over the moon and just enjoy the support rather than focusing on those who aren't giving it...Hard, I know!

Hope it goes well but don't worry if it doesn't...You're PREGNANT, congrats! :hugs:
 
Aw hun, that's a terrible ordeal to handle. First off, I don't think you have to justify anything to anyone. I know you are just explaining your situation, I have totally been there. I felt like I had to justify my second pregnancy because of certain people in my family. In the end, it didn't matter. I was happy, my husband was happy, and that is all that mattered. We mailed out postcards to announce, and I only sent ones to the people who thought would be happy for us. Those who were lukewarm with our first pregnancy (ended in miscarriage, but we had announced so I knew the reaction), I didn't give the benefit of a surprise announcement. I'd tell your Mom in private in a special way, then tell your sister or let mom tell her separately. Let your mom be excited. :)
 
I'm dreading telling my mother in law she's a selfish woman and doesn't like that we have a big family as she rarely see's her precious son. We don't see eye to eye at the best of times.

Plan to wait as long as possible to tell family hopefully get to 16 weeks and announce to family then. A handful of friends know but that's it so far x
 
I can empathize, I'm also dreading telling my family. Specifically, my parents and grandma. My sister will be excited, brother will be luke-warm, other grandma will be congratulatory (we're not close, so I won't say excited as she barely sees any the two great-grandkids she has now), as will the rest of the extended family. All of our friends and his whole family will be excited.

My parents and grandma are very controlling, wrapped up in passive-aggressiveness. I'm married, we're living on our own, we already have two kids and I will be 30 years old by the time this baby is born. Yet I know, based on my previous two pregnancy announcements, that they will react as if I were a teenager in high school. I will never, ever be able to do one of those super-fun excited announcements that you see on YouTube.

But I also know that they'll come around and be appropriately excited in a couple months. By the 20 week scan, for sure.
 

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