Telling people? again ...

[ellie]

I know there have been a few threads recently about who to tell before 12 weeks and how, but wanted to add my two pennorth ...

we've known since 4 weeks (of course!) but after a previous loss been very anxious about telling anyone too soon ... we decided we'd wait to tell family until after early scan (last week), then the 'rest of the world' after 12 weeks ... however, after seeing the little wiggler and heartbeat last week, I think OH got excited, and has been telling practically everyone! I've only told my parents and brother and 2 or 3 close friends, I was trying to work it out (sad huh) but I reckon he's now told about 25 or so people, planning to tell several more over the next week includign people he works with, and I am really not sure I feel comfortable with so many people knowing at this stage. I guess I'm still paranoid that something will go wrong between now and 2nd tri and then all those people will know and we'll have to 'un-tell' them all. I can't stop him from telling people and I don't want to seem paranoid, but (following my last thread) I'm still not really sure I believe that we will have a baby!

Who's felt happy to tell people at this stage, and who's felt like they want to keep it to themselves or to a very small circle? And am I over-analysing the whole thing

 

[CatStorey]

I totally understand where your coming from. I would have been really upset if my OH had gone and told the world before I was ready.

I also had an early scan at 8 weeks which is when I told my close family. Then I waited until I had my 12 weeks scan to tell the everyone else. My OH completely understood as he knows the first 12 weeks are the most likely time something could go wrong. I also don't think he totally believed it until he saw the little one wriggeling about.

Just speak with you OH and explain how you feel. Tell him you would rather he stopped telling people for a while. Your deffinately not being paranoid. I think us girls all feel the same.

 

[ninab]

We had a mc in march last year so when we found out this time at 4 weeks we couldn't decide what to do..... in the end we decided that we wanted to share our good news regardless.

Good luck to you honey x

 

[ellie]

thanks cat. i might have a word with him ... he wants to start preparing himself though (and preparing other people!) for being a dad, and he tends to share very personal things with people, whereas i'm very private. it's quite difficult to find a balance, as he just thinks I'm being paranoid or thinking too negatively if i suggest we ought to keep quiet. we didn't tell anyone last time and then he felt he needed to tell people that we'd had a miscarriage as he needed lots of support from others, he finds it really hard to deal with anything by himself.

sigh .... i just hope i'm not worrying unnecessarily! i keep telling myself that after seeing the heartbeat and everything going well the risks are now pretty small.

I also had to stop his and my parents telling all their friends and neighbours! Gaaahhh.....

 

[ellie]

thanks ninab, that's his thinking i suppose, that he needed support when we lost the last one and he'll need support now no matter what happens! I just feel uncomfortable about so many people knowing (and most of them I hardly see) so soon. Maybe it's just because I tend to deal with things myself and am very private, what do others think ? If you're 'outgoing' do you tend to want to share it earlier? Hmmm....

 

[JayDee]

I don't think you're being overly paranoid, I have no prior pregnancies to go on but I still don't wanna tell anyone till 12 weeks, just to make sure.

It feels horrible not telling people, like you're lying to them but....

My SIL told both sets of parents and siblings at 5 weeks but we were sworn to secrecy until 12 weeks.

I guess your hubby is just excited and you have had a scan which makes it a bit more real I guess, but if you're not happy with it then you should talk to him (although you can't take it back now I suppose...)

 

[shaunanicole]

I told EVERYONE as soon as I knew. My family members, my friends, and sometimes even strangers. I know that it is hard to be completely positive about things when you had a bad fall out with your previous pregnancy and you not telling anyone is a personal preference. Your hubby is going to have to respect that and if he is going around telling everyone he comes in contact with I think you should bring it up and ask him to stop. It apparently makes you really uncomfortable and this isn't about your man, it is about YOU AND HIM. Maybe after a nice talk he would stop spreading the word so much and wait until you are ready to start telling people.

Best of luck hun! I am sure it will all work out.

 

[ellie]

thanks guys. i hadn't really realised until today that it was starting to make me feel jumpy, seems like every time he comes home from work he says that he's told someone else and theyre really pleased etc etc! it's lovely, and it's great that he's excited about being a dad, i'm just still scared.
he's also been pressuring me to tell more people (like a friend who lives away who i ended up ringing last night to tell her, although i wasn't sure i wanted to because she wanted kids but never had any and i'm not sure she has come to terms with that, she said she was pleased but i felt a bit guilty afterwards ... I know I always felt hurt and sad when other people announced their pregnancies)

keep everything crossed that all just goes to plan and i don't have to worry! in 3 - 4 weeks time i'm sure it won't matter!

Does it sound stupid that i will feel somehow embarrassed if anything did go wrong with all these people knowing? like it would be my fault ?

 

[Mellage]

I'm going to leave it too tell most people, i'm of the same opinion that something could go wrong so don't want the world to know. Both sets of parents know, as do one close of friend of mine who I go gym with so couldnt really not tell her. And I literlly just told my boss, didnt want to but he was trying to send me out on a boat and you can't wear fall arrest equipment when your pregnant.

It's one of those things where it's each to their own I guess.

 

[hopesanddream]

My OH wants to wait until after 12 weeks to tell anyone, the only people who know are two close friends, and it's only because they figured it out. I haven't even told my parents or family, we're lucky they live 3 hours away, planning on telling my parents on mother's day, which will be special for my mom, as I will be the first daughter to have a baby in my family. tears will flow that day i'm sure..

 

[abigail_71]

I told mum straight away. And my sister at 10 weeks and the rest of the family at 12 weeks - am 13 weeks now. Putting off telling friends as I do worry about stuff going wrong.

Anyway my sister is now barely speaking to me because she is so hurt I did not tell sooner, even though she was the second person to know and two weeks before OH's parents. Its turned into a nightmare. I am avoiding her because everytime she upsets me about this and the next day I am laid up with a migraine.....think thats the pregnancy - I don't usually get migraines after being upset.

However I am happy that so far I have done whats right for me and OH has been very tolerant of my weirdness.

 

[ellie]

well i have tried to relax a bit and let him get on with it ... but last night we went out with some friends and they were all ones who knew, they were all really excited and congratulating us and although it was lovely I just couldn't feel excited? I ended up changing the subject all the time and ... sounds odd maybe but I felt a bit like a fraud? and was thinking "it's still too early don't get excited yet" ? afterwards I said this to him and he thought I was being ridiculous, and said I will worry throughout anyway so I should just chill out ... I said it is still the risky period but he said that these are the people that we would ask for support whatever so what's the big deal?
he was planning to tell a few people he worked with today too (ones he is close to and who he told about the m/c when it happened) ... that'll be well over 30 people that know now!!! and still nearly 3 weeks to go until the 'safer period'!

I ended up emailing a work colleague who is in 3rd tri to ask for advice on how she broached it at work, being very clear that it's still early and I'm still anxious, and now she's super excited as well!

I still feel like a fraud. Why can't I allow myself to chill out about this? I've seen the baby and heartbeat ... no real reason to think anything will go wrong ... I just feel like we are getting people's hopes up. Is this just me being negative?

 

[scottishgal89]

congrats on the pregnancy!
i have kept it pretty quiet to be honest. told some close family and friends but apart from that i want to wait till i know everything is definately okay.
good luck with everything
xxx

 

[Jolinar]

We've told most people, on the one hand I want people to know so if the worst happens I'll have supportive and understanding people around me and on the other if everything is ok some good news right now has certainly cheered everyone up

 

[Bumpontherun]

I've told quite a lot of people and I think I'm only around 7 or 8 weeks. I've also warned them that it's early days and they're not to get too excited yet. My work colleagues have been really sweet, Ive been miserable the last week and they've been really supportive although they do refer to the baby as 'the alien'. This is partly so people walking past our office who don't know don't hear all the baby chat.

The person I was most worried about telling early was mother in law. She is so excited and I somehow feel responsible for her happiness. If things do go wrong I know my friends will be there for me but I kind of feel that I would have to be there for her.

I can totally understand not wanting to tell people, I always thought I would want to stay quiet but it just seemed natural for me to tell certain people. I think it's very much a personal thing though and if one of you doesn't want to tell people then the other should really try and respect that............easier said than done I guess, I'm lucky that hubby wants to tell people too.

 

[AP]

Does it sound stupid that i will feel somehow embarrassed if anything did go wrong with all these people knowing? like it would be my fault ?

I had that problem, it wasnt embarrisment, but even a few months down the line, people who had heard through the grapevine were congratulating me. It was horrid. Then I kinda took a step back and thought, wtf, there is no shame or embarrisment if things dont work out right. These things just happen. And if you the right people around that know, then you'll be ok.

But i think you will be fine!!!!!!!!!!

 

[sun]

I totally understand being annoyed at OH for telling people before the date you decided together! We are dying to tell people, but decided that we'll tell family at 10 weeks and I am keeping it from work for as long as possible (it will be weird at work, so I want to postpone that for as long as I can). But I can understand that your OH is really excited about being a dad - and some people are just really open about their life (I'm with you though - I hardly ever share anything personal)
But even though I am not telling people, I am keeping a really positive outlook. I am assuming things will work out, because worrying about what might happen won't get me anywhere. I want to enjoy the pregnancy and be thankful for every day. So maybe try enjoying the excitement??? And hey - you're not a fraud - you're just around the corner from your 2nd tri - congrats!

 

[ninamama]

Hiya..im pregnant again after a mc. The problem is that I told quite a lot of people I was pregnant last time and am trying to keep this one under wraps..only issue is people are congratulating me about the last one and its hard to tell them that i lost that one but am pregnant again. Wanted to wait till three months to say anything but its kinda difficult now..they will probably think Ive been pregnant for 11 months by the time this one comes out!! Haha!! I do agree with the post above, I dont think you should feel embarassed about mc. Its got nothing to do with the mother at early stages of pregnancy, I got over it by telling myself its usually a natural selection of survival of the strongest. I speak about my mc quite openly, I find it helps me to talk to my friends and family about it. Its only when you talk about it that you find out how many women friends have experienced it also. I am not announcing it properly till 3 months, but when I get that far I think Im gonna post the scan on facebook when I get to that stage so all my friends know in one go!

 

[JayDee]

I'm having a u-turn.

Think I'm going to have to tell as I'm going away with my friends next weekend and, not only will the weekend involve a lot of drinking, there are also activities that I might not want to do.

This means telling close family today/tomorrow (would feel wrong if they weren't the first people to know)

I'm not 100% happy about it, would rather be out of the "danger zone" before sharing BUT I figure I'm not going to be upset if I also have to tell these people that something has gone wrong (heaven forbid) as I would want them to know why I wasn't my usual self.

I trust them completely to keep it secret as well which helps. In a way it will be nice to be able to talk about it (rather than worrying about slipping up in front of them).

What I'm most bothered about, this is going to sound weird, is getting the 3rd degree about whether we were trying, why now etc. Maybe I'm being overly paranoid and they will just be happy for us, I'll let you know in a couple of weeks I guess..... x

 

[Zeri]

I'm thinking about this issue too. I'm 7 weeks pregnant - and right now only my DH and one of my good friends knows. My other friends live in other countries so I haven't told them yet, and I've been waiting till my first scan to tell my parents. However, I was talking to my mother yesterday and she kept asking if DH and I were still trying, and how come nothing had happened as yet? And encouraging me to go and see the gyno and get some tests done...etc etc. We were driving at the time and I was deliberating whether to just come out and tell her or wait till after our first scan as we'd planned. It was really hard not to say anything. I hope she doesn't feel offended when I do tell her - and wonder why I kept it a secret for so long.

ellie, miscarriage rates do go down a lot after hearing the baby's heartbeat - so I would think you're almost out of the danger zone now. But I understand your concerns.