The 'chit chat' thread

[Miss Mitch]

Hello everyone,

I hope this is allowed, I thought I would start a thread where we can all come onto whenever we want to and have a general talk/chat about how we're feeling and updates on our progress. I know there is a general chatter area, but (thankfully) most of those ladies havent suffered a 2nd tri loss. I'll start....

I'm Tayla, i'm 22 years old, and we lost our darling Olivia at 21 weeks on 18th January. We are still waiting for her post mortem results, and it feels like its taking forever.

Today, I feel......lost? I feel nothing, like it didn't happened to me and its some distant memory that i'm trying to forget. I'm sure tomorrow, i'll be feeling completely different, as my emotions are so up and down, like a rollercoaster.

I hope you will all get involved, have a great day and love to all xxxx

Tayla (Miss Mitch) - Olivia Tracy Gibbard, born at 21+5 weeks - 19th January 2012
Anouska (WILSMUM) - Angel Baby, born at 18+1 weeks - 10th March 2012
Lisa (dancareoi) - Angel Baby, born at 13-14 weeks - 12th January 2012
Zoe (yellowyamyam) - Baby CocoPop, born at 16+5 weeks - 19th December 2011

 

[mhazzab]

Hi Tayla (I love your name!). I'm so sorry to hear about your angel Olivia.

I hope you don't mind me joining in, I'm not in here as much as I used to be but still pop in.

A bit about myself. I'm Mhairi, I'm 32 and am mummy to gorgeous twin angels, Eve and Megan who were born too soon at 23w last June.

My world crashed apart the day they died. I spent weeks in disbelief, blaming myself and wishing for this all to be a bad dream. Slowly I came to accept that they were angels forever now, and I truly believe that my acceptance came thanks to the support from the amazing ladies in here.
Eve and Megan's story is in my signature, I never got a reason for my premature labour but was possibly due to it being twins. It took 8 weeks for all our test results to come back and it seemed like forever.

In the first few days after losing them I swore I would never put myself through that again. But it didn't take long to be obsessed with TTC again. I bled for 14 weeks after birth but as soon as it stopped (after my second AF) we tried again. We were amazingly lucky and I got my BFP two days after my twins' due date. My little rainbow is due five days after its big sisters' first birthday and I think they will be delighted with the present.
This pregnancy is hard but I have to believe it will work out. I am desperate to be a mummy with a baby to hold. The consultants and midwives have been fantastic and are holding my hand through this pregnancy, despite the fact they have no medical concerns and don't believe I will have the same problem again, I have had a lot of extra care which I have been told is primarily for my own sanity!

The first few weeks and months after losing a much loved and wanted baby (or two in my case) are like being on a rollercoaster, like you say Tayla. All i can say is this is normal and it does get better with time even though it feels like it never will. There are so many emotions to deal with. It's important to keep to talking to your partner or a friend or the ladies in here who know exactly what it feels like. I could write so much more about my journey from broken mess to where I am today but I won't bore you all! If ever anyone wants to ask me anything feel free to PM me.
Xxx

 

[Miss Mitch]

Thank you for sharing Mhairi I'm sorry for your losses, but i'm sure they are guiding you every step of the way through this rainbow xx It is such a rollercoaster, sometimes I randomly burst into tears when I think of her, or I can talk openly with friends about her with a smile, or I can talk to a stranger such as a doctor or nurse and feel overwhelming emotion, or today I can think of her and feel nothing, absolutely nothing. I think my brain gets to the point some days where it literally blocks all emotion cause it just cannot take it for that chosen day? I so want to try again, but my bloods came back positive for antobodies so they think I may have crest syndrome which I really hope I don't xxx

 

[Andypanda6570]

Hi girls.. What a great thread..
My name is Andrea,, (Adriana) and I have 3 boys 20 18 and almost 12. I got pregnant by total accident in October 2010. I was in total shock and so was my husband, but I was so happy . I remember feeling my belly before I had a belly and just talking to my little peanut and thinking I am so blessed you have come into my life Everything was going fine , her heartbeat was picked up at 7 weeks it was 192 every sonogram was fine and I thought everything would be fine, I was oblivious to being 40 and maybe having higher risks. It was 10 yrs. since I had a baby , I didn't even realize I would need Amnio, I was just blind , I guess.

Went in for my Amnio at 20 weeks and before they do the amnio they do a sonogram and when they did the sonogram the machine started to light up everywhere and the girl ran out of the room, I still sat there not thinking anything was wrong? Why didn't I react and realize something was wrong? My best friend was with me and she ran out and after the girl screaming what is happening, I kept saying everything is fine she just probably needed to get something It seemed like forever until a doctor came in and picked up the machine and started the sonogram again , then that look , I will never forget it He said I am so sorry there is no heartbeat. I said WHAT, i just got a sonogram 10 days ago I was fine the baby was fine. I was in complete denial I just screamed and cried. I then had to go to my doctor who confirmed it , now I know what that word devastation really means He told me I had to get a D&E cause the baby was to big for a D&C. This was a Monday and they could not prepare me for the procedure till Thursday and then Friday perform the procedure. I had to stay here for 3 days with this life inside me, my child, dead. I just went home and cried and cried. My SIL was also pregnant at the time she was 8 weeks behind me and I didn't know at the time the flood of emotions that would follow me after loosing Ava, i could not even see my SIL ..
Went in that Thursday for the procedure and they put what they call seaweed sticks up you, it expands the cervix and get it ready for the D&E. I didn't know what A D&E was at the time and nobody was telling me, I just thought they take the baby out and that is it, was I wrong... I am still upset that even my best friend didn't tell me, she said at first she thought I knew then she figured out I didn't know and she didn't have the heart to tell me, she said they would have explained it before i had it done in the hospital.
Google became my best friend, when I found out what they exactly do I could not go through it, I just couldn't. It was my body my child and she would come into this world my way. I felt the contractions and I refused to go to the hospital, I had her in my bathroom, my labor was maybe 30 minutes. March 3rd 2011 my beautiful Ava Sofia was born . I went to the hospital and we held her and we told her how much we loved her and wanted her . This was the daughter I never in a million years thought I would ever have and now she is gone Something inside me died along with her and I still can't get it back, I will always be broken, always.

I longed my whole life for a daughter for that bond and now it was taken from me, from us both. I have been in mourning ever since. I could not see anyone especially my SIL, i was petrified of seeing her , she also had 3 boys older and only got pregnant cause I did, now I had nothing and she had a baby to look forward too,. On April 18th my husband called me and said Ann my sister lost the baby I was in total shock she was only 36 and she was 16 weeks. She choose to get the D&E which is fine it was her choice, just wasn't mine. Now 1 year later we both have not gotten pregnant and I just don't think I want to be. I did try for a bit but now I am going to be 42 in June and I just feel like I have so much against me and if this happened again to me, I don't think I would get through it. We buried Ava on 3/11/2011 and I go to her grave all the time and just talk to her and I tell her how I wish she was with me and how sorry I am. They did test her tissue and it didn't grow so they can't tell me why she died, they just say they are 90% sure it was chromosomal? How they can say that, I don't know. There were no signs at all the sonograms were fine the Nuchal Fold was normal, so i don't know and I will never know. This is my story and I wish we all didn't have to go through this. I will miss this child till the day God takes me to be with her. Ava is all around me and gives me signs all the time that she is here, i know for a fact she is watching over me.
I miss her so much, my little peanut..

 

[Miss Mitch]

Thank you andrea for sharing xx I see its the 1 year anniversary coming up, I hope you are coping as well as you can be xx And yes, she is 100% looking over you, as all our angels are! xx

 

[dancareoi]

Hello everyone,

I hope this is allowed, I thought I would start a thread where we can all come onto whenever we want to and have a general talk/chat about how we're feeling and updates on our progress. I know there is a general chatter area, but (thankfully) most of those ladies havent suffered a 2nd tri loss. I'll start....

I'm Tayla, i'm 22 years old, and we lost our darling Olivia at 21 weeks on 18th January. We are still waiting for her post mortem results, and it feels like its taking forever.

Today, I feel......lost? I feel nothing, like it didn't happened to me and its some distant memory that i'm trying to forget. I'm sure tomorrow, i'll be feeling completely different, as my emotions are so up and down, like a rollercoaster.

I hope you will all get involved, have a great day and love to all xxxx

Hi Tayla,

i`m Lisa and i am 40 years old.

I have 3 beautiful children, my eldest boy is 10,my daughter is 7 and my youngest boy is 21 months(2 in may)

Before I had my youngest i had MMC at 8 weeks gestation. i was heartbroken at the time, but i seemed to recover quite quickly as I was pregnant again in the September. The due date wasn`t too bad as i was PG again, but Idid shed a tear on the 1st anniversary.

However, this time has been so much worse. Last october i found I was PG by accident.i was so happy but DH was not too impressed as he did no want any more kids.

We had a nuchal scan at 12-13 weeks. We were told we were very low risk for DS and that we had a lovely healthy pregnancy.

On 9th jan, at 17 weeks, i went to hospital for a routine check up in the diabetic clinic (i had gestational diabetes in first pregnancy and had to inject insulin 3 times a day. Luckily next 2 were diet controlled)

The midwife checked my blood pressure and urine, which were fine and then got the doppler so we could listen to baby`s HB,but she couldn`t find it.

They took me for a scan, I was on my own, Dh hadn`t come as it was my usual 4 week check up (i had been going to hospital since October and had been checking my bloods 4 times a day to check my sugar levels)

The lady doing the scan couldn`t find HB, so went to get someone else who confirmed the same. I just lay on the bed sayiong, nooooooo, nooooo, this happened before it can`t happen again. I didn`t cry at first, just kept shaking my head, i felt likeI wanted to hit the ladies there, like it was their fault it had happened.

i than had to phone my DH to tell him the news. He came straight away and we held each other and cried.

The midwife then explained we had to go back the next day so they could give me some oral drugs to prepare my body to give birth to our baby.

We went back on the tuesday afternoon. I insisted they used the doppler again, clinging to the hope they may have got it wrong, but still no HB, so I took the tablet and arranged for me to return 9.00am thursday morning.

however,during wednesday night i started bleeding, so we were back in the hospital by 7.00am thursday morning. Ihad to call my mom at 6.00am to come over to look after the kids.

i kept thinking she should be doing this when we go to have a live baby not a dead one!

At 7.40am they inserted more drugs vaginally and said this would be done every 3 hours. I wasn`t getting any pain of discomfort, do about 8.30am DH went to get some breakfast.

At about 8.45am I felt a little uncomfortable, so went to the toilet where my baby was born into a bed pan. Fully formed,lying with it`s little head resting on it`s arm as if fast asleep. I sent text to DH " come back"

The placenta followed shortly after.

i then took some painkillers as I had a little discomfort, but nothing too bad. In that respect i was lucky it was so quick and pain free. Makes me think baby would have miscarried on it`s own very soon without the medical intervention. i still have the mark on my hand where they inserted the needle, ready for a drip, if needed(can`t remember medical name)

i was able to hold my baby and talk to it. Too small to tell the sex and we decided not to find out.

We had a funeral service on 23rd jan and buried the ashes in the babies memorial garden at the hospital the following day.

I have never known such dispair as I have felt these last few weeks.

To start with I thought someone was playing a joke, or I was in a nightmare. I couldn`t believe it had happened.

I then did to start to feel a bit better, but then went down hill again.

however, over the last week or so i have tried to pull myself together a bit. DH is not re i we should TTC again, but said we can`t discuss properly until
I am able to talk without crying.

Things have improved slightly. I do shed a little tear still most days and i am always thinking about my little angels.

Everybody says it and it is true, time is a great healer and everything happens for a reason. I know this to be true, but in the early days is so difficult to understand.

We will never be the same again, but hopefully we can move on, and God willing, will get our little rainbows.

 

[Miss Mitch]

Hi Lisa,
Thank you for sharing, I am sorry for your loss' xx Thank you for sharing your story! It is just so strange isn't it, going through all this? You never think it will happen to you, and what it does, well, you just can't believe it and 6 weeks later I still don't. xx

 

[dancareoi]

Hi Lisa,
Thank you for sharing, I am sorry for your loss' xx Thank you for sharing your story! It is just so strange isn't it, going through all this? You never think it will happen to you, and what it does, well, you just can't believe it and 6 weeks later I still don't. xx

Hi Tayla, I have always considered myself quite a lucky person, and never thought i would have to go through this.

Once was bad enough, but to go through it again in unbearable.

It`s been 7 weeks for me and sometimes I still can`t believe it and feel myself sitting there shaking my head at times.

i have had to pull myself together though for the sake of my other kids because it was making them sad to see me so sad. Especially my 10 year old lad because he is so sensitive. There were a few times when I was feeling down, he sensed this and would come up and give me a hug!

iam so hoping DH will agree to TTC as that will help a lot in moving forward.

I really hope all works out for you, but i we keep chatting on this thread, we can keep everyone posted on what is going on.

 

[Miss Mitch]

Oh bless him, sounds like you have some lovely children We are currently wtt atm depending on Olivia's results, so I will definitely keep posting xx

 

[Miss Mitch]

Oh Shiza. Me and OH DTD for the first time last night, didn't use anything, then I came to reality with a huge thud after! CRAP!!!!!!!

 

[dancareoi]

Oh Shiza. Me and OH DTD for the first time last night, didn't use anything, then I came to reality with a huge thud after! CRAP!!!!!!!

It took 6 weeks for me to feel ready to DTD, somehow i just didn`t feel right before then! We did use something though!

Are you OV soon? Is there the chance of a rainbow?

 

[Miss Mitch]

Oh Shiza. Me and OH DTD for the first time last night, didn't use anything, then I came to reality with a huge thud after! CRAP!!!!!!!

It took 6 weeks for me to feel ready to DTD, somehow i just didn`t feel right before then! We did use something though!

Are you OV soon? Is there the chance of a rainbow?

I don't know about ov, I only stopped bleeding for Olivia last week after my d+c!! I don't know where my body is! And I sooo want my rainbow, but my bloods came back positive for anti-nucleur antibodies and they think I have crest syndrome??? So now i'm panicking what if I do have something wrong with me that will attack every pregnancy??? I have had cm for past 2 days? sorry tmi xx

 

[Krippy]

Hi Tayla, Mhairi, Andy and Lisa! Sorry for all of your losses!

I would love to join your group if you wouldn't mind! I am WTT until my thyroid is back in check. I was recently diagnosed with Hashimoto's disease (auto-immune causing hypothyroidism) so I am on hold for that rainbow. Would love to hang with you ladies

 

[Andypanda6570]

Hi Tayla, Mhairi, Andy and Lisa! Sorry for all of your losses!

I would love to join your group if you wouldn't mind! I am WTT until my thyroid is back in check. I was recently diagnosed with Hashimoto's disease (auto-immune causing hypothyroidism) so I am on hold for that rainbow. Would love to hang with you ladies

And we would love to hang out with you too...
I also have a thyroid problem I am on synthroid 112mg. It is in check and was ok before I lost Ava,, xooxoxoxox

 

[Krippy]

Thanks Andy...I am on 50 mcg so far. Had blood tests on Tuesday...waiting to see where they are at to adjust dosage if need be.

 

[kiki04]

Is this a new 'life after loss' thread just brand new?

 

[Krippy]

I think that is a good way to describe it...Just starting a newbie group I am thinking! You are more than welcome I am sure!

 

[DueSeptember]

Hey Ladies!!!!!

I'm Lexis 29 years old....we Lost Maya at 24 weeks my membranes ruptured at 23 weeks a week later I had her She was breeched and I was suppose to have a c-section but it didnt happen that way...while they were putting the epidural in I felt her coming out...the Doctor said that her little heart stopped before they could get her out...I dont know what really happen they put me to sleep I can only go off of what they tell me...We are talking about TTC this year I am really excited and will try NOT to stress about it....I pray all the time so GOD will know when it is time

 

[dancareoi]

Hi girls,

Feeling a bit down again today after feeling so much better.

DH and i had a long chat again yesterday and we are still no further along. He still thinks we need longer to think about things. He has said a definate no to TTC next month.

Last week when i saw the Doctor, she has referred us to a specialist, who will talk about our medical history and maybe do a few tests to see whether we would have any further problems.

How will he know? I know he is an expert, but no-one knows for sure do they? DH want s to see him first before we make any decisions. We have already been told by 2 docs that it is highly to be genetic as we already have 3 kids!

I am so worried this guy will shake his head and say that`s highly unlikely we will be able to have another, I will be sooo devasted, but maybe it`s better to be told before we try, than to lose another.

DH has said if he were to say 30-40% chance of problem, he would then say no to TTC, but those figures are still on our side.

just more time being wasted and my eggs are getting oder day by day! This i think is what is worrying me most, the longer we leave it the older I`m getting.

We should get an appointment in the next couple of weeks, but i said to DH what if it`s 2-3 months, I said i can`t wait that long and he said we would then have to make the decision ourselves.

Sorry to babble on, but this is doing my head in now, just not knowing what is going on!

Hope everyone else is ok.

Andrea, how are you?

 

[Andypanda6570]

Is this a new 'life after loss' thread just brand new?

I wouldn't say that, I would think it is more of a getting to know you and your story more...I would never stop posting on 'life after loss' it is home to many of us..XOXOOXOXOOXO

Hi girls,

Feeling a bit down again today after feeling so much better.

DH and i had a long chat again yesterday and we are still no further along. He still thinks we need longer to think about things. He has said a definate no to TTC next month.

Last week when i saw the Doctor, she has referred us to a specialist, who will talk about our medical history and maybe do a few tests to see whether we would have any further problems.

How will he know? I know he is an expert, but no-one knows for sure do they? DH want s to see him first before we make any decisions. We have already been told by 2 docs that it is highly to be genetic as we already have 3 kids!

I am so worried this guy will shake his head and say that`s highly unlikely we will be able to have another, I will be sooo devasted, but maybe it`s better to be told before we try, than to lose another.

DH has said if he were to say 30-40% chance of problem, he would then say no to TTC, but those figures are still on our side.

just more time being wasted and my eggs are getting oder day by day! This i think is what is worrying me most, the longer we leave it the older I`m getting.

We should get an appointment in the next couple of weeks, but i said to DH what if it`s 2-3 months, I said i can`t wait that long and he said we would then have to make the decision ourselves.

Sorry to babble on, but this is doing my head in now, just not knowing what is going on!

Hope everyone else is ok.

Andrea, how are you?

I am ok my love
Listen the doctor will run basic tests and find nothing wrong with you, trust me. It is routine, what happened to you was just a bad thing and it wont happen again and the doc wont find anything. He may tell you and your husband your risk factors for your age, but that is probably it. So don't get nervous and expect to hear bad news, cause you wont. Then maybe after that your husband will give it a go again. It will be ok, Lisa..
XOXOOXOXO