The great war between wanting a baby and being anxious whilst pregnant

[gigglebox]

In July of 2011, I became pregnant with my son. We got pregnant on the first try. I was so happy and nervously excited all the way up until my 12 week scan. There, I was told my baby likely had a chromosomal abnormality and I should call my ob to schedule a termination. Instead, I opted to have some testing done and continue the pregnancy as long as the baby was surviving. The remainder of my pregnancy was nerve-wrecking. I had chromosome testing done, and detailed anatomy scans. The doctors were certain the baby was either genetically messed up or had a major heart defect and would likely need surgery after being born. It was until around my 22nd week they said he appeared normal on the scans, but I would continue to be monitored every 2 weeks for the remainder of my pregnancy. Every scan day was filled with anxiety as I feared I'd see a deceased baby on the screen. To everyone's surprised, my son was born at 40+4 perfectly healthy.

After such a traumatic pregnancy (and infant stage), I swore off having another child.

Though I cannot conclude it for sure, I believe I had a chemical pregnancy back in August. My test was only barely visible for the morning, then quickly faded later in the day, only to be gone the next morning. The experience was sad, but it made me realize I very much want a second child.

When we got pregnant again this cycle, I was initially excited, but became worried quickly as my lines were not getting darker fast enough. It took 10 days for the test to match the control line on a frer, and all other tests were there but faint, however at 18dpo they should have been matching the test line. I knew things weren't going to work out...but instead of accepting fate, I just started to worry and panic about the possibilities. What if it's ectopic? What if it sticks around for weeks then fails? The only thing that was actually making me feel better was that the most likely scenario was a miscarriage. Fortunately, I started to bleed last night.

Still, the waiting was/is so stressful. I'm still waiting for second beta results. I'm still waiting for the bleeding to increase, and the cramping to hit me worse.

Sorry this is all become a bit rant-y. My point is this...I really want a second child, but now I'm terrified of being pregnant. My pregnancies have thus far been accompanied with a ton of stress, to the point I occasionally cannot function. I can't sleep. I can't enjoy it.

I just don't know what to do. And I don't know what typing this will do for me, but I just had to get it out.

 

[lesondemavie]

Hi giggle, I'm so sorry that you've been through so much. This is just my first pregnancy and my first mc, but I am also terrified of what's to come. I guess we just have to let go and cling to the hope. I wrote about the fear before even ttc in my journal in the context of now having that fear realized. I found and attached this image to the entry:



Hope it helps even a little. I just keep thinking if I give up now, it'll never happen. If I keep trying, there might be more fear and heartache ahead...but maybe just maybe my dreams will come true.

 

[gigglebox]

I absolutely love that. Thank you so much for sharing. I will tell you, I love my son so much, more than I ever thought possible. The fear I experienced during my pregnancy was terrible. What's worse is the thought of my life had I listened to the first doctor who advised to terminate. I wouldn't wish my experience on my worst enemy, but I'd do it all again for my kid.

Maybe that's the point, that in the end we'll have the child we're meant to, and the pain we're experiencing now will solidify the joy of the next successful pregnancy. I've written this before, but I often forget it--if I had conceived my first child any other cycle, I wouldn't have ended up with my son. In other words, when we do end up having a child, your first, my second, we will love them tremendously. Had these failed pregnancies worked out, we wouldn't have those other kids, our future little love bugs, and we'll be so thankful they're here. I hope that makes sense...

 

[lesondemavie]

So glad it helped. It does make sense. It's what keeps me going. The thought of that future little baby in my arms.