The Guillt

Discussion in 'Special Needs Support' started by DobbyForever, Oct 1, 2019.

  1. DobbyForever

    DobbyForever First Time Momma

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    I just want to hear that I'm not alone/a bad mom.

    Nobody in my family understands. We never had children who couldn't latch. Children with autism. children with speech delays.

    I know I was cheated out of an experience, as my mom put its. My ex was an abusive pos. But I never thought I would be cheated of motherhood.

    I had an anterior placenta. An abusive partner throughout pregnancy and birth and beyond. My son has been issue after issue (granted non-live threatening).

    I feel guilty. Why me? Why us?
     
  2. 2have4kids

    2have4kids Mother of 3

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    Sending you hugs xx
    Sometimes the $hit just piles up. I hate it when they say god doesn't give you anything you can’t deal with. Everyone has their limits. Just know there are people out there in the world who wish you a better, luckier day tomorrow. Well done for making it through today. One breath at a time.
    xx
     
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  3. Bevziibubble

    Bevziibubble Well-Known Member
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    Please don't feel guilty. You are all your child needs and you're a great mum. I'm so sorry you're going through such a difficult time :hugs:
     
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  4. ClairAye

    ClairAye Mum to one of each!

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    :hugs: I get this, I do! My son was born with kidney problems, he had sepsis at 4 weeks old and it's never been 'normal' (hate that word!) since then. Just as his kidney problems started to resolve at 3 years old his other problems started to get worse, his anger got worse, it no longer seemed like the speech delay frustrations and he started ticking (though I didn't know it was a tic at the time!). I spent a lot of time wondering why he was going through something again, why I was going through this again and going through it alone again (as their father walked out when he was 2 but was never involved in his medical things) and this isn't fair, this isn't how motherhood was supposed to go. Last year finally after a long process he got his diagnoses and I cannot tell you the weight lifted off my shoulders because I was able to come to a point where I realised again - like I did eventually after his kidney problems- that we were just on a different path to the one I expected and imagined but there are so many amazing things down this road and even though there are many obstacles along it. You are NOT a bad mum, I think pretty much every parent of an additional needs child goes through this process because it is a lot and it is different to how pretty much everyone tells you it will be and how you imagined it but it will become your (okay often crazy and overwhelming) normal and you'll still have bad days but just take each day as a small victory. Sending you a lot of :hugs: and please feel free to PM me of you ever need. My son is 7 now but is Autistic too and has ADHD and Tourette's as well. <3
     
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  5. DobbyForever

    DobbyForever First Time Momma

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    Thank you. :hugs: sorry. It’s been so stressful the past few weeks. Hoping things get better soon.
     
  6. sequeena

    sequeena Winging it.

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    It's shit. Really. The guilt is overwhelming at times but it is worth it. Every new milestone, every new food tried, every time you're able to divert a meltdown. It all adds up and some days you'll feel like the best mum in the world.

    There are dark days but you can't have rainbows without rain.
     
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  7. ClairAye

    ClairAye Mum to one of each!

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    I hope things are going okay now! :hugs:
     
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  8. DobbyForever

    DobbyForever First Time Momma

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    Honestly they aren’t.

    Finances are a fight every month to get the bills paid on borrowed money.

    Work is a fight.

    I can’t get my son speech therapy. I had to battle to get him qualified. It’s so hard to get him intervention. I’m so frustrated.

    I have tension headaches all day every day. I’m scared I’m going to die from stress. I started overeating and drinking, so I ended up deciding to just go 100% sober. But I’m back to craving sweets because I’m just exhausted.

    I’m just drowning. I’m trying so hard and failing everywhere.
     
  9. DobbyForever

    DobbyForever First Time Momma

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    The holidays suck. Halloween was awful. He broke down immediately. Meanwhile all my other friends with kids his age had a blast.

    This will be the third Thanksgiving. His first he was too young for solids, the second he touched nothing, and I expect much of the same this year.

    Christmas will be another round of me creating his gift list and opening his presents for him again.

    I really do find the happy moments after the fact. And I do get nice pictures so he’ll have good memories in the future. But ffs I just want one holiday where I can enjoy it with my son like my friends do and not fighting back tears until my kid is asleep and I can finally let them rain
     
  10. DobbyForever

    DobbyForever First Time Momma

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    Oh and yeah now I’m being told he has a sensory processing disorder where his movement sense is under stimulated so that’s why he’s always dancing or climbing or running or jumping. Which is fair I move a lot too
     
  11. Bevziibubble

    Bevziibubble Well-Known Member
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    I'm so sorry it's been a difficult time lately :(
     
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  12. ClairAye

    ClairAye Mum to one of each!

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    I'm sorry. :( I do understand and I know it doesn't help but holidays etc have gotten easier for us as he gets older but they are still hard. I know it's hard not to compare your experience to others' but it will do you no good, you'll find what works and what doesn't and that will be how that holiday is special for you both. :hugs:

    My son doesn't have SPD but he has complex sensory issues as they come from each condition he has. He is a huge seeker and loves exercise/peanut balls, crash mats, climbing and his exercise trampoline. Weighted blankets help him too, the input from these things help him understand where his body is in his environment. Has he had anything like this recommended?
     
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  13. DobbyForever

    DobbyForever First Time Momma

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    Thank you. I had a lady on a plane write me a note about it getting easier, and I kept it. I look at it when I’m really down. It’s always nice to hear.

    I imagine they haven’t mentioned peanuts because he’s too young to not eat them lol. I asked about a weighted blanket, and his OT was very hesitant to suggest one at his age. She suggested instead to be active as much as possible and then do calming moving like rocking or massage before bed. His sleep isn’t too bad these days. He sleeps better at my mom’s. We’re more active during the day there plus he had early trauma in my house. She did suggest a trampoline, but I wouldn’t know where to put it and that makes me nervous.

    I feel really selfish because I know he’s happy. I get comments from all of his daughters that he is just the most cheerful, affectionate, funny little guy. So I’m doing something right. I guess I just want affirmation from him in a more traditional sense.
     
  14. Bevziibubble

    Bevziibubble Well-Known Member
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    Aww how sweet of that lady. It is lovely to receive such encouragement like that when things are difficult :hugs:
     
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  15. smurff

    smurff Mummy to Emily and Harry

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    Hello, I hated when people used to say this to me but it does get easier, my DD is autistic level 2, she is 7yrs old. I have felt like a bad mum at times because I blamed myself for her autisum and there is still a small percentage of me that still does. I was overweight in pregnancy, had a 52hr labour, after pushing for an hour she wouldn't come out she got distressed and had to be born by forceps. All these factors I have read could cause autisum so I spent a long time thinking ive done this to her and let her down, plus my hv told me cause I was overweight id be a bad mum so it was hard for a while. But my DD is the most amazing little girl, she has worked so hard to get where she is now, she can talk, read, write and do everything her friends can do, I think her development is at a 4yr old at the mo. It is always special when any child reaches their milestones but when a child with different needs reaches theirs its extra special because they have had to work so much harder to get there. Don't compare your child to other children every child is different extra needs or not. We spent yrs fighting to get our daughter the help she needed, we had to go to so many appointments and various nursaries and fill out tons of paperwork but we got there in the end. Believe me it seems so daughting to begin with but so worth it when its done. We have just been told my son now has extra needs and the whole process starts again for us, extra needs or not they are our children and we love them just as they are, and as long as you are there for them and you do your very best for them then you are by no means a bad mum. x
     
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