The Loss of Breastfeeding - Guilt, Grief & Support Thread

[MrsPOP]

So Ive been hanging out on the BF forums tonight after the stuff in the news today about BF babies being less happy and all that tosh and came across a thread where they were talking about when our babies are older what our attitudes will be about our DDs BFing and I ended up speaking out quite openly about how I feel over the fact I failed at BF.

I believe the ladies like me who wanted to BF so badly but ended up having to FF for whatever reason are in a funny limbo on BnB. There is a forum for BFers and a forum for FFers but there is little support for those who cannot get over the emotional torture that is failing at BF.

Ive spent so long being miserable about it. Ive felt like a sham mother. I used to avoid BnB in the early days because I felt worthless for not being able to BF and whenever I did come on I would cry at all the BF vs FF threads with thoughtless comments about how people believed that those of us who said they couldnt do it were using it as an excuse or that latch issues were a myth. I would then get jealous as hell and still do when I see all the BF blinkies. In 'real life' I have no local groups I can go to because they are either for younger mums or for BF mums and I am neither, so Im isolated. I went to baby massage and got sneered at because I fed my daughter from a bottle...when I would have given anything to be BFing alongside those ladies.

So Ive decided from tonight to be as open about it as I can. I know Im not the only one who hurts still over it and I know how hard it is to try and get over it. Heck, I have PND because I cannot live with the guilt.

But I want to get over it and this thread is for those ladies out there to post their stories and realise they are not alone. Of course noone may reply and fair enough. But this is part of my personal therapy to try and get over it.

My Brief Story:

I developed pre-eclampsia and was induced. 36 hrs later I went to EMCS. Postnatal Care in my hospital was shit and the MWs didnt have a clue. All they did was show me poor latching techniques and rushed off to feed the FF babies so their mothers could get some sleep. We struggled and struggled to latch. I got more and more stressed the drowsier Alice got, the more jaundiced she got and the more the bitchy mums in my room tutted everytime she cried for a feed.

The day we got home she refused to feed for 10 hours. I was frantic. Honestly felt like I was having a breakdown with the worry. Called BF helpline twice, did everything Kellymom suggested and nothing. DH and mum suggested giving a small amount of formula which she guzzled down immediately. I felt like shit but relieved that at least she got something in her. I stayed up that night trying to get her to latch and hand expressing 7mls of colostrum which she took from a bottle.

The day after, she still refused to latch. MW came out and weighed her. She'd lost 11% of her body weight, was still passing meconium and was really jaundiced. She'd gone from 8lbs14oz to 7lbs 13oz!

So we were readmitted to the childrens hospital. The SHO saw her and said she didnt need treatment for the jaundice, she was just under the treatment line. She was abit dehydrated but he thought if Alice managed a good feed off me in A&E the Registrar would be happy to send me home.

So a nurse came in to try and help me. It was the worst hour of my life. Alice was so distressed everytime we tried to latch her. She screamed the entire A&E down and we could hear other parents asking staff what the hell was going on in our cubicle. She would frantically thrash about and shake her head, I was crying, my boobs were on fire and the nurse kept trying and trying to faceplant her on my boob. DH said it was worse than anything he saw in labour.

So we were admitted for 'BF support' and she was topped up whilst I was stuck on a pump. Noone tried to help me with her latch, noone even looked at her mouth and I think she has a lip tie. We were sent home after 2 days and I carried on expressing and trying to latch. We were sent home at the weekend so no BF drop in clinics available (nearest one was 12 miles away and I couldnt have driven there anyway because of the section and Im the only driver in the house), no BF peer supporter visits.

I kept on pumping, my supply was pretty minimal because I was so tired and stressed out and eventually Alice refused my EBM. I 'gave up' then, because I think I would have ended up throwing myself out of the window.

I continued trying to get her to latch until she was about 14 weeks old, or maybe more I forget. But to this day she has never latched on my breast.

I do feel a bit better now about it. Formula was a Godsend for me. But there are times, when she cries for a feed and my right breast leaks still and I feel like utter shit because my body wants to feed her, but she didnt/couldnt feed from me.

Anyway, thanks for reading.

 

[Blah11]

hope getting it all off your chest helps

 

[darkangel1981]

Didn't want to R&R after all that emotion i could feel in what you wrote. i could have wrote alot of that.

*huge hugs*

 

[Ew68j5]

You are a wonderful mother and clearly love your lo...she is happy and healthy and that is all that matters. You tried your best, that's all you can do...try not to let it get you down, enjoy your lo! Thanks for sharing, xx

 

[kitty17]

Thank you for sharing. I don't think anyone in their right mind would call you a failure, you have obviously tried so hard which shows what an amazing mother you are. I'll be the first person to admit I've been really lucky when if comes to breastfeeding - I had almost no problems whatsoever, so I can't really imagine the struggle you must have had. I think it takes a lot of strength to change to formula feeding after such a long battle to breastfeed, and you should be really really proud of yourself

 

[JackiePed]

Although I am breastfeeding this LO, my first two were mainly ff after only a few weeks of bfing due to low supply after returning to work. I did not feel less of a bond when giving them formula, and they are both smart, healthy, happy children. I never felt guilty about it.
I hate to say it, but you never would have felt so much guilt were it not for the time spent on online forums... and that is NOT me 'bashing' BnB... I love BnB and am an active member... but I myself need to recognize when an issue is exacerbated due to what I read online, or what I am drawn to reading.

Your baby wants to be loved. Not breastfed, or babyworn, or pushed in a stroller, or coslept, or put in a special bassinet... none of that makes nearly as much difference to our LO as it does to us. If you are loving her, tending to her, talking to her, snuggling her, holding her, etc... she feels loved.

 

[Brookey]

see this is what I hate...that mothers like you are made to feel bad for formula feeding!

Please dont look at yourself as a failure, you are a bloody amazing mother to have gone through all that and then continued to try and latch her for all that time. At the end of the day, look at your daughter and ask yourself is she happy, healthy???Of course she is!

of course breast milk is best for a baby but I do think it is drummed into us so much about the benefits and special properties in breast milk, that people forget that formula isnt poison! its a perfectly fine substitute.

If you look at all the succesful people in the world, scientists (sp), olympic athletes, politicians...are you telling me that every single one of those people was breast fed?

I breast feed my son now but am in the process of weaning him onto formula and I do feel pangs of guilt but i just look at him and he is so happy! he guzzled down a bottle tonight happily.

please dont feel bad, you are obviously an amazing mum to care this much about it. she is very lucky to have you as her mumma!xxx

 

[3011busyyear]

Gosh that sounds horrendous
LO is now 11 months and I still have to try hard not to stare longingly at bf mothers in coffee shops and baby groups.
My did get a lot of support but LO just never latched. In some ways I think that makes it feel worse than if there was a reason like mastitis, poor supply etc that I could pin point as a reason but nope there is no clear reason why she wouldn't.
Tbh the thing that has helped me now is that as mine and friends LOs get older less if them are bf and as the weeks go in we are all becoming more similar and People don't discuss feeding options as much.

More than the pregnancy, labour and those first difficult few weeks I think about bf a second child most days. It's not even something I can talk to anyone about without the 'oh every child is different' comments. Even that is stressful as there is nothing I can do until that moment when baby is born and I try to latch them for the first time

 

[bananabump]

My story is pretty much eeeexactly the same as yours hun! But do you know what, the moment Leo had his first taste of formula and he guzzled it all down instead of screaming and thrashing about.. I felt such a huuuge sense of happiness and relief that now I have no regret for making the decision that I did. It was so very right for my little man who dropped from (6lbs 10oz to 5lbs 14oz and looked so fragile and ill) that how can I regret it? I hope by seeing mine and other peoples opinions it can help you to feel the same. You did what was right and best for your LO so you should hold NO regret for that whatsoever! xxxx

 

[moomoo]

I have nothing to say, other than my story with my first is literally word for word the same!!

If you ever need a chat or just a shoulder to bawl on you're welcome to PM me

 

[MrsPOP]

Gosh that sounds horrendous
LO is now 11 months and I still have to try hard not to stare longingly at bf mothers in coffee shops and baby groups.
My did get a lot of support but LO just never latched. In some ways I think that makes it feel worse than if there was a reason like mastitis, poor supply etc that I could pin point as a reason but nope there is no clear reason why she wouldn't.Tbh the thing that has helped me now is that as mine and friends LOs get older less if them are bf and as the weeks go in we are all becoming more similar and People don't discuss feeding options as much.

More than the pregnancy, labour and those first difficult few weeks I think about bf a second child most days. It's not even something I can talk to anyone about without the 'oh every child is different' comments. Even that is stressful as there is nothing I can do until that moment when baby is born and I try to latch them for the first time

BIB #1: Oh absolutely! If I knew for certain why it didnt work out I'd probably accept it and be able to move on I think. I say in my OP I think LO has a lip tie but thats just my thinking. Noone even looked in her mouth to see if she had it or tongue tie.

BIB2 #2: I think about that a lot as well, along with how I give birth. Im not so upset over my CSec and Im definately getting over that quicker but I still sometimes feel down my all singing, all dancing au naturel labout was 'robbed' from me! I want to HBAC no2!

 

[MegzyAngel]

pefectly understand how you feel hun. Just wanted to say that your not alone.
I to struggle with BF because of low supply that never did get established so we have to formula feed.
I find it hard when I see other mums BF and think why can't I do that? Why did my body fail me yet again.
As it was our little girl is a miracle and we had to go through fertility treatments just to have a chance at having her.

I developed pre-e/HELLP syndrome during labour which caused haemmorraging afterwards. They think that affected my supply because of the haemmoglobin issues that followed. That on top of my Polycystic Ovary Syndrome which also effects supply because of stuffed up hormones and possible underdeveloped breast tissue.

I tried lactation consultants to see if they could help...they told me nothing that i didnt know already. also tried prolactin enhancing drugs (Domperidone) and also a herb called goats rue. Both of which didn't do much at all.

I do still express some milk but she doesnt get put on the breast anymore since she just fusses and she never gets any where near enough for a full meal. Shes lucky if she gets a full meal of expressed milk every couple of days. Even now my supply is getting lower and lower so soon there will be none at all to give her.

 

[Staceysparkle]

You sound like an amazing mum and you tried for so long! I know so well what its like living with the guilt It still breaks my heart that breastfeeding didn't work out for me and LO he wouldn't latch and we stayed in hospital for help but nothing worked and he got low blood sugar and was given formula by a midwife whilst I sat crying my eyes out. I had a traumatic birth and hadn't slept in 3 days because I was constantly trying to latch him but in the end started expressing because the midwifes kept saying he needed ff if I didn't get him to bf. I didn't know how much or how often to express and became very engorged and was having to express every 2 hours round the clock or I was nearly passing out from the pain and me and OH were fighting because he would have to get up and feed LO the bottle of EBM while I was pumping to try and stop the pain and I thought I was loosing the plot and wasn't getting time to bond with LO with being attached to my pump 24/7 so gave up after 3 weeks It still kills me when I think about it and I blame myself for not being better informed or getting in touch with somewhere for bf support. Next time I plan to get in touch with local bf support groups before my due date so I have people I can look to for support if it doesn't work next time. Thank you so much for starting this thread its a great idea and will hopefully help us all feel better sharing our stories

 

[MrsPOP]

You sound like an amazing mum and you tried for so long! I know so well what its like living with the guilt It still breaks my heart that breastfeeding didn't work out for me and LO he wouldn't latch and we stayed in hospital for help but nothing worked and he got low blood sugar and was given formula by a midwife whilst I sat crying my eyes out. I had a traumatic birth and hadn't slept in 3 days because I was constantly trying to latch him but in the end started expressing because the midwifes kept saying he needed ff if I didn't get him to bf. I didn't know how much or how often to express and became very engorged and was having to express every 2 hours round the clock or I was nearly passing out from the pain and me and OH were fighting because he would have to get up and feed LO the bottle of EBM while I was pumping to try and stop the pain and I thought I was loosing the plot and wasn't getting time to bond with LO with being attached to my pump 24/7 so gave up after 3 weeks It still kills me when I think about it and I blame myself for not being better informed or getting in touch with somewhere for bf support. Next time I plan to get in touch with local bf support groups before my due date so I have people I can look to for support if it doesn't work next time. Thank you so much for starting this thread its a great idea and will hopefully help us all feel better sharing our stories

A good friend of mine on here did that before her second DD was due as she had difficulties with her first and she has successfully fed her DD2! Im definately going to follow her lead when I have LO#2 and go to BF groups beforehand.

 

[MrsPOP]

Although I am breastfeeding this LO, my first two were mainly ff after only a few weeks of bfing due to low supply after returning to work. I did not feel less of a bond when giving them formula, and they are both smart, healthy, happy children. I never felt guilty about it.
I hate to say it, but you never would have felt so much guilt were it not for the time spent on online forums... and that is NOT me 'bashing' BnB... I love BnB and am an active member... but I myself need to recognize when an issue is exacerbated due to what I read online, or what I am drawn to reading.

Your baby wants to be loved. Not breastfed, or babyworn, or pushed in a stroller, or coslept, or put in a special bassinet... none of that makes nearly as much difference to our LO as it does to us. If you are loving her, tending to her, talking to her, snuggling her, holding her, etc... she feels loved.

BIB#1: I was told by a mum who FF her first and BF her second that the bond is so much better with BF and that killed me

BIB#2: I both agree and disagree here, lol. I still think I would have felt guilty as it was something I so wanted to do. Also, my LO has a hole in her heart and I feel like crap because I havent protected her by BF her IYKWIM? However you are right and I need to realise that my upset is exacerbated sometimes by here (I dont really go on any other mum forums) and to step away when things get on top of me, which is why I do sometimes go quiet.

 

[ValentinesGal]

I was fortunate enough that LO actually did pretty good while we were in the hospital, so that was like salt in an open wound when it didn't work out. Once we got home, his appetite skyrocketed and I couldn't keep up (low-supply). I tried to nurse him all the time, but no matter how hard we tried he was never satisfied and half the time he did nothing but scream and not latch or latch and let go because my let down wasn't fast enough. Towards the end I tried to pump too, to try to get my supply up and get ebm into him. The most I was ever able to get for a 30 min session was 2 oz. (and that only happened a few times...it was usually less). By two weeks my LO was eating 3-4oz every 3 hours, so we had to go to mixed feedings, then finally to only ff by 3 weeks. (He's now eating 5-6 oz.)

I wish I would have had more info before too because by the time I started having problems, searching for support/help/info was disheartening and made me feel worse. I had even tried to post a thread in the bf forum for help, just to be told 'Just feed your baby and quit supplementing!' It actually made me feel more like crap

I too hope I'm more successful with the next LO now that I've learned so much more about bf. That's a good idea to get with the support groups BEFORE delivery. Even though I still feel bad that I couldn't keep it up, LO and I are so much happier, he's healthy and growing, and I have my sanity back...no more instantaneous crying when people ask how we're doing lol We really shouldn't ever feel like 'failures' because as long as our children are happy and healthy, then it shouldn't matter how they were feed

Thanks for posting this thread...nice to share with you ladies and keep your chins up!

 

[nikkyx]

I had latching problems and got sent home. LO wouldn't feed first night so i ff. I tried expressing but soon dried up. Maiya is healthy and even just knowing i tried keeps me reassured. I am sure you're a wonderful mom and as long as your little one is being fed and is happy and healthy it shouldn't matter. xx

 

[minties]

Thank you so much for telling us your story, you've really opened my eyes. Really heartbreaking, I can't imagine how you feel.

 

[maddog37]

I'm so sorry you had such a horrible experience. It really feels hopeless when you don't know the reason and there is no support around you.

But I'm really glad you started this thread. I could cry just reading this post because now, at 9 months, I still can't get over not being able to bf and there has not yet been a single day that I don't think about it. I also have to stop myself from watching bf'ing moms wistfully in public. I wonder everyday if my having to take so much drugs in labour caused LO to be too drowsy to feed. Or maybe he lost the ability because MIL would not leave the freaking room the day he was born even when I said he needs to feed.

I can't even say he didn't latch. He had trouble latching but after a 1 on 1 consultation at the hospital (we're pretty much pro bf'ing here and they look at you like you are a monster if you ff) on the 3rd day, I can get him to with a bit of difficulty.

At the group bf'ing class on the 2nd day in the hospital, I was the ONLY one the instructor basically kicked out without LO latching because we couldn't get him to wake at all.

For the first 3 weeks, he'd cry for a feed when he's not on me, but once he's on me, he'd fall asleep after 10 sucks, maximum. Usually only about 5 sucks. I tried everything. I didn't come on BnB for support because I literally spent all my time feeding him, feeding myself so I can feed him (I started not being able to eat after a week at the on-start of PNA), or pumping while I read everything I can find about getting more milk. We actually have a 24 hour line to call for bf'ing at the hospital, but my brain didn't even think about that.

After 3 weeks, I developed such a severe case of PNA (partially due to bf'ing problems) that I was forced to stop in order to take a sedative to stop the panic attacks and eat. I started having obsessive thoughts that if this wasn't modern day, he would've died because I couldn't feed him. That guilt stung a lot. I also had intrusive images from accounts in WW2 of bf'ing mothers having their breasts chopped off as they laid dying. I couldn't get the images out and it just make my anxiety worse.

Even now, I still hope that maybe I can bf him. I started the thread a while back about relactation because LO tried to suck once last month. Unfortunately it's not working and he just bit me with his teeth after that. Last time I tried was a week ago.

 

[HungryHippo]

I hope every day gets better for you emotionally and dealing with your feelings on your BF experience. Any time you feel down just look at your thriving LO - you've clearly figured out her needs. It was just a rocky road.