The Single Mother Chronicles of yours truly

[Ambermichelle]

Have you ever just looked at where your life was a year ago and said to yourself "Well shoot, this is not where I wanted to be, nor did I even picture myself here." I tend to do this quite frequently, and I've been doing it more and more lately. Alrighty, well here it goes...

Little bit of background on me before I dive in: I'm 22 years old and 19 weeks pregnant. I will be a first time mom and I just found out I'm having a baby girl this September. I am ecstatic! The father of the baby is not in the picture and he has made it clear that he wants nothing to do with the baby and me. So, I'm gearing up to be a single mother. Yuppp, this is what I'm talking about. A year ago, I would have never thought this is where I would be today. But, I guess that's why they say life is so unpredictable. Anywho, I'm not going to sit here and say I'm happy about being a single mom. I'm terrified and devastated. I'm not going to sit here and pretend I'm okay with him not wanting to be apart of our lives. I'm heartbroken. But, I've learned that no matter what, life keeps going. And I have to keep going for my daughter.

Well, here's how I got myself into this little mess that I like to call "love."

Now, to start off with this story, we have to travel back a few years to 2011 when I was 19 and partying ALL THE TIME. Every weekend, my best friend and I were cruising to friend's houses to get drunk and just have a good time. I was working and going to school at this time and so was she. We were living the good life and life was EASY.

November 2011: I pick up my best friend from work one afternoon (her car was in the shop) and she gets a call from her boyfriend saying "We need to talk." Well, every girl knows what those 4 words mean in relationships..it means "Prepare yourself, we're most likely breaking up." I drop her off at her house and tell her to call me the INSTANT she knows what is happening. She calls me a couple hours later, crying. Come to find out, he cheated on her and wants to actually be with the other girl. My best friend just had the one thing happen to her that NO girl wants to ever face. I go over to her house and we just cry and cry.

Well, a few days go by and like every 19 year old girl who just got her heartbroken, she decides she isn't going to stay at home this weekend, we're going out! Yahooo! Mind you, I've been single since June 2010 and I'm elated to be going out with my best friend, BOTH BEING SINGLE! A few minutes later, she decides "NOPE. Not waiting until the weekend to go out...we're going out tonight." She calls a friend and we find out that one of his friends is having a party tonight. Woohooo, a Wednesday?! What are the odds! It's destiny, we were meant to get our drannnkkk on tonight (Granted, it was the night before Thanksgiving so schools were out and a lot of people were out of town).

We go to the party, it was laaameee. We didn't even drink. Didn't know ANYONE besides our ONE friend, but we decided to stay and mingle. Met a few people and realized they were pretty funny. We ended up leaving and that was that. Well, the next Friday rolls around and our friend that invited us to the party on the previous Wednesday is having a party tonight at his apartment and we're invited! Soo, we decide to go and let loose a little bit. AND here is where my story takes off...

My best friend and I are at the party and having a great time. We're drinking this time (since neither of us have to drive) and we're mingling with the people we had met the week before. I'm sitting on the couch with a few people, and in walks the man that would cause me so much happiness, along with so much pain over the next few years...I just didn't know it yet.

PAUSE I just want to say here that this is not one of those love stories where in walks boy and girl is instantly IN LOVE. NOPE NOPE NOPE. He walked in, came over to talk to his friend he knew that was sitting on the couch with us, and my FIRST thought of this man was "OMG, this guy is annoying. He just thinks he's all that and a bag of chips." (Sorry for the outdated 90's reference, but that's EXACTLY what I thought). UNPAUSE

Everyone is having a good time, we're taking pictures with everyone, and everyone is just enjoying the night. I learn that the annoying man who is stuck on himself is named Tim and he seems to be pretty cool, other than the fact that he thinks his sh*t don't stink. He tells his friend that the "two new girls" were pretty sexy. Ehh, I'm flattered, but don't think anything of it.

December 2011: We start partying at this apartment every Friday night. We start making new friends with lots of people, including Tim and we're just enjoying being young. Life is how you say gooooood.

February 2012: I start hanging out with Tim and his brother and a few others outside of just party's. We would get dinner, make dinner at my house, go to the desert, and just do what young kids do. Within a month, Tim and I had become VERY close. We were BEST FRIENDS. He was practically living with me at my house and we just seemed to click very well on a friend level (nothing more at this point). In fact, during a desert trip we all took, I actually ended up hooking up with his brother. Haha, shows how UNINTERESTED I was in Tim.

March 2012: By this time, Tim and his brother are living with me and we're having fun all the time. I'm still working and we're just partying every weekend with all of our friends. I can't explain the bond that Tim and I had together. It meant more than any relationship. But, we didn't see each other like that. Or maybe we did and just didn't know it yet. We were ALWAYS together. People thought we were a couple. We slept in the same bed (no sex), told each other how much we love the other one, and we just cared for each other more than our own lives. Looking back, I was in love with him. I just didn't know it yet.

April 2012: This is where the story starts to get good. In December of 2011, an incident happened where Tim was arrested and was charged with a crime. I didn't think too much of it at the time because I just saw him on weekends. Well, 3 days before his 21st birthday, he realized he has a warrant out for his arrest. We got pulled over and he was taken off to jail. I was torn up. I hadn't been without him for a night in months. So a few hours later, I go to a bail bond person and I bail him out. Paid $6500 for his *** to get outta jail. Yeah, looking back I was in love. I just didn't know it yet.

May-July 2012 Over these next few months, life changed a little. My mom kicked Tim and me out of her house and we were homeless for a little while. Friends of his and mine housed us for as long as they could and we stayed in hotels when we could, but we were NEVER apart in this time. If one of his friends would only house him and not me, we wouldn't stay there. We were LITERALLY connected at the hip. Over these months is where I started to finally realize that I saw Tim as more than just a best friend. I realized one day that I was in love with him. He completed me. But, I didn't DARE risk telling him because I couldn't lose the bond we had already established.

Well, that brings us to August 2012...

 

[Ambermichelle]

August 2012: Ahhh, August. What a wonderful, wonderful month this was. We had finally saved up enough money to get our own place! We were elated! We were all set to move in on August 2! Now, a couple weeks before the 2nd (so still in July), we had gotten approved for the apartment and were just waiting for me to get paid so we would have the last of the money we needed to move in. I started thinking long and hard about everything and my feelings towards Tim and I decided that I needed to tell him how exactly I felt BEFORE we moved in together and signed a lease. That way, if he wanted out, he could have out. So that brings us to August 1st, the day before we moved in. I FINALLY mustered up enough courage to tell him exactly how I felt about him. And sure enough, he felt the exact same way. Boy, was I relieved! We decided that the next step would be to start dating each other, and that was the beginning of our relationship.

September-February 2013: I'll skip all the mushy gushy details, but we began to establish a life together. We got to know each other in ways we didn't think possible and I was as happy as could be! We got a kitty together, celebrated holidays with each others family, and we loved each other more than words could describe! We talked about marriage more and more and I just knew that this man was the man for me! I had never been happier and more committed to a man. Granted, I was only 20, but it's true what they say...when you know, you just know.

March 2013: Now March was a great month for us. March 2013 was my 21st birthday! Ahh, what an amazing birthday that was! My mom has this dive bar that she has been going to for YEARS, and she decorated the WHOLE THING for me! I got to go in at exactly 12 AM on my birthday with Tim and my best friend. We had SO MUCH FUN! My mom's boyfriend bought all of our drinks that night and we just had a blast! I'll never ever forget that night...well, what I can remember from it anyways lol. The next night, Tim threw me a surprise birthday party at Dave and Buster's! I had never had a surprise birthday before so it was awesome to walk in and see my whole family and be able to spend it with them. It was so awesome that he did that for me, as I had only mentioned it once how I had never had a surprise birthday. Talk about a catch, right?!

March 2013 was also when I bought him a car! Wow! This whole time, we were sharing a car because he had sold his right when he got out of the service and hadn't had enough to buy another one. So, when I got my taxes back that year, we decided it was time to buy him a new car. I was driving a 2012 Nissan Altima Coupe at the time, and we decided we were going to buy him a 2009 Ford Mustang GT. Boy oh boy, was he EXCITED! I was excited, too! I actually ended up getting a new car in the process...a 2013 Nissan Altima Coupe! Lol, long story but it ended up being a better deal in the long run. Anyways, we both had a car now. It felt like we were really going to make this work and I couldn't have been happier.

March 2013 was also when he changed departments at work. He wasn't getting enough hours in his department, and wanted to switch. So that was yet another change in our life back in March 2013.

April 2013: Now April is his birthday month, so we celebrated his 22nd birthday in style! I bought him the car (that was an early birthday present) and I also surprised him with a PS3! He was elated! Anyways, drinking was becoming a thing I loved to do again. All throughout our relationship, neither of us really drank or partied anymore due to we were so in love with just spending time with each other. So when I turned 21, all I wanted to do was go to bars and explore this whole new life! Tim had also made a lot of new friends at work and as April drug on, we became a little less "connected at the hip." And looking back, it was a good thing that we were starting to get our own lives. Couples don't need to be with each other 24/7 because that's how they get sick of each other and that's how fights start.

One night, I was at the bar with my 2 best friends and Tim was out with his friends. My ex boyfriend texted me and I answered back (big NO NO). Well, I was too drunk and stupid to even realize what I was doing. Still, no excuse. I get home and Tim was already there. We were talking and cuddling when my ex texted me again saying that we should grab dinner and go see a movie sometime.

PAUSE Looking back now, this was so wrong on my part. I don't know WHAT I would have done if I saw that pop up on his cell phone from his ex girlfriend. Dinner and a movie?! Obviously, it looks like he's asking me on a date. And I completely see that now. Did I at the time? Of course not...UNPAUSE

Now, I wasn't trying to be deceiving or hide my phone from Tim...that's why it was so easy to see when it popped up. He looked at my phone and read it. I've never seen him so furious in my life. He ended up looking through the conversation between the ex and I (we had never gone through each other's phones before this) and long story short, he ended up leaving and staying the night at his friend's house. I let him go because I knew he was furious and needed a night to cool down, but I still felt horrible. I tried to make it that it was his fault and that he's way over controlling. I was just trying to defend MY stupid mistake. And looking back, that was probably the worst thing I could have done. I should have just owned it and did whatever I could to make him forgive me. It's not like I cheated, but in his mind, I was on my way to.

The next morning, he got a hold of me and we met up to talk. I was terrified at what was to come next. He had been cheated on in a past relationship and I KNEW this. That's why I was so disappointed in myself that I was do something to break his trust, after EVERYTHING we had gone through together. I really thought that was going to be the end of us. Well, love prevailed and he didn't want to let me go. But, I had to do things to earn his trust back.

PAUSE When the trust has been broken, there is NO GETTING IT BACK. I repeat, THERE IS NO GETTING IT BACK. No matter what happens and no matter what "rules" you follow. And I had to learn this the hard way. UNPAUSE

May 2013: So, things were going as smoothly as they could. We ended up getting another little kitty together and we were happy. But, we were fighting now. We had NEVER fought before. This was a whole new territory for him and me and I didn't like it at all. A few weeks of non stop fighting, and I just got so mad while he was at work, I ended it with him through a text. Looking back now, I see how disrespectful and wrong this was. And in my defense, I didn't want it to be forever. I just wanted to scare him a little. Well, it didn't work. He got so angry with me and our pride got the best of us. We decided that he would live there until June 1st, 2013 and after that, he's gotta go. I didn't think he would actually leave me, I really didn't. But again, pride got in the way. So the rest of May, he lived in the apartment but stayed in the living room. He wasn't home much and was with his friends a lot. We ended up having sex a few times in that time frame (BAD IDEA), but in the end, he left at the beginning of June and that was the end of us. We figured out our finances, made a couple contracts, and that was that.

June 2013: Now, I just had my heart SHATTERED into a million pieces. So OF COURSE I was out drinking almost every night with my friends. I wanted to do anything to get my mind off the fact that the love of my life was no longer the love of my life. He was off doing his own thing now and so was I. We deleted each from social media sites, but we still had each other's numbers due to needing to contact each other about shared finances.
So, the time came around where it was time for him to make his phone and car payment to me, so I could then make it to the phone and car company. Well, he decided he wasn't going to pay me. He left me hanging for 2 weeks before admitting he didn't have the money and wasn't going to pay me. I gave him a few more days to come up with the money, but I ended up turning his cell phone off and doing a voluntary repo on his car. Looking back, this was a little much as I should have given him another month, but I was sick of the lies and in all honesty, just wanted to cut all ties to him so this wouldn't go on forever. And that's exactly what I did.

 

[Proserpina]

Reading and following. You're pretty good at telling a story! Thanks for sharing yours here!

 

[Ambermichelle]

July 2013: In late June/early July, I was out with a friend from work one night. We were at a bar we would usually attend and we were having fun and chatting with people, when all of a sudden, she needed to go to the bathroom. Well, we all know that when your friend has to go to the bathroom, it means you do too. She gets in the stall and she's complaining about being on her period. Ugh, we all know how that feels. Worst time of the month! Then, I start to think...when was the last time I got my period? I know I haven't gotten it in June and I really don't think I got it in May either? Well, maybe I did. Yeah, I probably did and just don't remember. Yeah, that's gotta be it. We leave the bathroom, and on goes our night.
Well, I get home that night and decide that I should probably take a pregnancy test, just to rule out the possibility. I had a box left over when I had a scare a few months prior and there were two left (the First Response ones). I open up the package, pee on the stick, leave it on the bathroom counter to "process" and go about getting ready for bed. Now, I SWEAR, I cannot make this up. This was straight out of a friggin movie! I'm in my room, putting on my pajamas and texting a few friends about what my week had been like when I walk into my bathroom to brush my teeth. I grab my toothbrush out of the holder, open the medicine cabinet to grab my toothpaste, put the toothpaste on my toothbrush, and I look down to wet my brush. Out of the corner of my eye, I see two lines. Again, straight out of a movie. It didn't register to me that TWO LINES means PREGNANT until about 5 seconds after I had glanced at it. I DROP MY TOOTHBRUSH (in the trash I might add, yuck!) and look at the test. Sure as sh*t, it's positive. I IMMEDIATLY take the other one I had (good thing I had been drinking that night and could almost pee on command, lol), that one was positive too. OH MY GOD. NO. NO NO NO NO NO NO NOOOOOOOO. I hop in bed and text one of my best friends. "Holy shit, I think I'm pregnant..." We text for a little while, but I end up doing to bed shortly after I texted her.

The next morning (Sunday), I wake up and head to Wal-Mart for a digital pregnancy test. Maybe I'm reading it wrong? Maybe it was a faulty box? If I am, this digital one will tell me and I'll know for sure. I bought a Clearblue digital test and went home right away. Opened the package, read the instructions VERY carefully, and peed on the stick. It felt like an eternity waiting for that result. But, a couple minutes later, that little stick had decided my fate. PREGNANT. So much was running through my head at this point that it didn't even feel real. I just sat on my toilet and BAWLED my eyes out. I could run through all the things I was thinking that moment, but I'm sure most of you know exactly what I was feeling. It took a few minutes for me to reclaim myself, and when I did, I decided that I SOMEHOW had to get in touch with Tim and tell him. Now, keep in mind that we were no longer friends on social media sites and I had changed my number due to not wanting him to be able to get into contact with me. So, I called one of my friends who I knew was still friends with him on Facebook and asked her if she would tell him for me. She agreed and went on to write out the message. It said something along the lines of "Tim, I need to talk to you. Dannika is pregnant..." and he wrote back saying "Great, it's not mine." She screenshot the conversation and sent it to me. I ABOUT LOST IT. How could it not be yours?! I haven't had sex with ANYONE ELSE. But, whatever. I told her not to respond to that and I was already getting ready to schedule my appointment for an abortion.

PAUSE For those of you who are thinking that I'm a killer or a murderer, I just want to assure you that I DON'T END UP HAVING THE ABORTION. So keep reading, you might like how I come to the decision to not have one UNPAUSE

The next day after that (Monday), I call planned parenthood to make the appointment to see a doctor to make ABSOLUTE sure that I am and to see what my options are. We're all set for an appointment that Friday. Great, can't freakin' wait.

A couple days later (Wednesday), I get a call from the friend who had messaged Tim to tell him about what happened saying he had sent her a message asking details about what was going on. I went over to her house and talked to him myself about what had happened. I told him that my appointment was on Friday and that I would let him know for sure what was going on after that. I made a mention to him that I was leaning towards getting an abortion, and he FREAKED (Tim's mother was going to get an abortion with him, but decided not to 3 days before the appointment...so I knew he was against abortion). He said that this was something that we need to discuss in person, so we agreed to meet on Friday after my appointment.

Friday came and I was pregnant. No surprise there. We met up for lunch that day to discuss what our next step was going to be. Now, I hadn't seen him since he left in June. I was without my best friend and the love of my life for a whole month. And I knew that seeing him was going to be weird. We met up at our favorite restaurant and he went to grab my purse to hold it (something he's always done for me) and I could tell he didn't even realize he was doing it. He grabbed for it and kind of tried to pretend it didn't happen. I made a joke out of it and said "Hey, you can hold it! I've missed that!" So we chuckled a bit, and he held my purse. We got into the restaurant and discussed what had been going on in our lives the past month. It was awkward, but it also wasn't. I don't know how to describe it, but it was almost like we were still together but he had just been on a long vacation. Lunch lasted a few hours and then we both headed home. We decided that we would stay in touch through email, so that's exactly what we did. We emailed all the time. Emailing turned into hanging out and seeing each other. He wanted to be there for the pregnancy and at this point, I decided that abortion just wasn't for me. So, we were trying to make it work and we were getting along. We met up about once a week, but we emailed constantly. I even made a comment to a friend that I felt like I was in the early 2000's with this emailing sh*t. Anyways, life seemed to be going okay, despite the circumstance we had gotten ourselves into.

 

[Meezerowner]

Stalking

 

[Ambermichelle]

Alrighty, another day and I have more energy to keep writing. To the two of you who are following, thank you! I know it's only 2 people, but I'm super happy to have you following along with me! Let's just jump right in...

August 2013: Now August was coming up and I was going to be about 11 weeks along. I was almost out of my first tri! I had applied for health insurance and was waiting for that to kick in. (Forgot to mention that when I had my pregnancy confirmed at planned parenthood, I was already 7 weeks). Anyways, life was going okay. I was planning on moving out of my apartment since our lease was up and was looking for another place to stay. Tim's parents were very excited about the pregnancy and they actually wanted me to come live with them for a bit. I was considering it, and Tim was pleased with this, too. I wouldn't have to pay rent or buy food. Basically, I could just live there and save as much money as possible before baby got here.

PAUSE Before I go any further in this story, I need to tell you about Tim and his past with his parents. Tim has 7 brothers and sisters (CULTURE SHOCK because I'm an only child), but Tim doesn't know his real father. Long story short, Tim's mom married Tim's stepdad when he was about 13. Tim is the oldest and for awhile, Tim was the "man of the house" while his mother was a single mother. Tim and his stepfather DO NOT GET ALONG AT ALL. They fought constantly and ended up kicking Tim out of their house when he was 17 and was told to never come back, which he didn't.

Okay, here is where I need to pause the pause, if that makes sense? So Tim's parents are VERY RELIGIOUS. Now when I say religious, I MEAN RELIGIOUS. And trust me, I don't have any problem with religion. I don't have any problem with anything. If you want to believe that you get your life from a God or a tomato, I don't care. Worship what you want. Live your life the way YOU want. Personally, I am not religious. I'M REALLY NOT RELIGIOUS NOW, but we'll get to why later, I promise. But, at this time, I didn't care one way or the other. My ONLY thing is DO NOT PUSH IT DOWN MY THROAT. When I say I'm not religious, that doesn't give someone a right to think that I should become THEIR religion. NO, just NO. Anyways, his family is very religious and Tim isn't. They homeschool all of their children, have a dress code in their home, attend church 3 times a week and in home bible studies are conducted twice a day. The girls are NOT ALLOWED TO WORK. I repeat, THEIR DAUGHTERS ARE NOT ALLOWED TO WORK. They are aspiring to be "domestic engineers" aka a homemaker. Now those of you who are homemakers, I give you the utmost respect. Taking care of a house IS NOT EASY and I totally understand that. But when asking a 12 year old what she wants to be when she grows up, I think a "domestic engineer" should not be the first thing out of her mouth. Mind you, if that's what that 12 year old really wanted to be, then by all means, aspire that. But these girls are not allowed to be anything else. They are not allowed to want to be an actress or a chef or a firefighter or anything! These girls have no choice for their own lives. And there are 5 of them (ages 20, 18, 17, 15, and 13.). Anyways, you catch my drift with how religious they are. Now, Tim doesn't agree with any of this and this was the cause of most of his fights with his stepfather. So, he was kicked out. Tim's brother (the one I hooked up with earlier in our story) was also kicked out of his house for not believing in their mumbo jumbo. And last but not least, their 18 year old daughter said EFF THIS SH*T and left when she turned 18. UNPAUSE

I went to stay with Tim's parents for a few days to kind of get a feel for their home before I made any decisions. Long story short, I hated it, but was willing to make it work for my baby. But then they dropped the bomb that Tim would still not be allowed in their home. So I would be living in a place where the father of my baby wouldn't even be able to come see his child. UH NOPE. SEE YAH. I told Tim and we decided this was not the place for me and we would have to find somewhere else.

At the end of August, Tim and I were hanging out a little more and we were hooking up again. Nothing had been discussed about us or our relationship, we were just letting things happen. At this point, I'm still going out with my friends (not drinking anymore, of course) and he is still partying with his friends. We weren't emailing anymore (we finally caved and gave each other our new numbers) and we were talking every single day, while seeing each other every few days. I was packing up to move every thing out of my apartment, and we decided I would go live with my mother and her boyfriend for a month...just until we could figure out where we should go from here. So, that's where I went. I packed up all my things and my cats and moved in there at the very end of August.

September 2013: Living at my mom's was pretty easy. I wasn't there a lot of the time due to being with Tim more and more. We decided that I was paying too much for my phone bill and he added me to his account. We were with each other close to every single day and life was going smooth. I still hadn't seen a doctor yet due to issues with my health insurance (UGH, don't get me started on that). I was starting my second tri and things were going just fine. Tim and I were planning a trip to Oakland, CA to see a football game (we're both huge raiders fans) and that was going to take place in October. My health insurance finally went through towards the end of the month and an appointment was made to have my first doctor's visit the day after we come back from Oakland. Again, we weren't together at this point. But, we were trying to make it work for the sake of our baby. We weren't the picture perfect family, but we were doing all we knew how to get along and to make life easier for each other. Life was going smoothly.

 

[mirandaprice]

Stalking! Your story caught my attention

 

[cookette]

Stalking!

 

[Ambermichelle]

For those who are joining, welcome! I've gained 2 followers in the last day! I feel so honored! Anyways, I'll get started right away tonight.

October 2013: Now this is where the story starts to get a little interesting again. Things change this month and NOT for the better. Anyways, in the beginning of October was our little trip to Oakland, CA. It was going to be a 6-8 hour drive so we left SD on Thursday morning. We drove all day and had a blast. The football game wasn't until Sunday, so we had some time to kill before then. We stayed in a hotel together and saw the sights in Oakland/SF. Now, through this whole trip, Tim was texting another girl. This really upset me and hurt me to the core. I couldn't say anything though because TECHNICALLY, we weren't together. Ugh, boy do I HATE THAT. I kept my mouth shut and I was quite proud of myself for not saying anything! Sunday's game rolled around and we had a blast. Made some friends up there and just enjoyed the game. We got up Monday morning and headed back home. We had a great drive and talked the whole time. We listened to music and really just had a relaxing drive home. Well, about 3/4 of the way home, he starts texting this girl again. UGH. I don't even remember her name, but whatever. We'll call her Kitty. I was getting a little pissed off because I couldn't walk away from it and take a deep breath since WE WERE IN THE CAR TOGETHER. I just had to SIT THERE, while the phone kept BEEPING with a new text every frickin' couple minutes. I finally lost it and said something. "Of course you would text some bimbo this entire trip because that's just THE PERSON YOU ARE."

PAUSE I know the way that I worded this could have been MUCH, MUCH better. But it just came out. I didn't even know I had said it until AFTER I said it. I'm sure you guys can relate with that. UNPAUSE

Well, I knew the first thing out of his mouth was going to be, "It shouldn't matter to you because were not together." And granted, it shouldn't. BUT IT DOES, so show a little respect and DON'T TEXT HER WHEN YOU ARE WITH ME. Long story short, we get into a huge fight over this and he ends up telling me that he slept with someone else 6 HOURS AFTER WE BROKE UP. And that he had sex with another girl while we weren't talking. I can't describe the pain I felt when those words came out of his mouth. I felt betrayed, lied to, let down, useless. My insides withered away when those words were heard. I got really quiet, and bowed my head. There was nothing that could be said to make any of this go away. I looked at him and said, "It took you 6 hours to get over me? SIX HOURS!?!?" He then stopped the car (we were pulling into a gas station) and said, "Just because I had sex with those women doesn't mean I'm over you." I couldn't take this anymore. I grabbed my phone and ran into the bathroom. I called my best friend in tears and told her what I had just found out. She just let me cry and cry until I had it all out of my system. There was NO WAY I getting in that car with that slimeball while I was crying. There was NO WAY he was going to see me cry over his sorry a**. So, I gathered myself together and I got back into the car. We still had another 2 hours until we got home, and not 1 word was said to each other. Luckily, he got the hint and didn't text Kitty for the remainder of the ride home. LIKE THAT WAS GOING TO HELP NOW. I dropped him off at home and off I went.

Now, earlier I told you guys that we had our first doctor's visit set up for the day after we got home from our trip (Tuesday). Well, how was I supposed to face this man who just caused me so much grief in 12 hours? How was I supposed to regain myself in that timeframe? I thought about what I was going to do as I drove home. Well, I get home (still living with my mom) and she has kicked me out (LONG STORY). So, I grab my things and my cats and we went to stay in a motel that night. This was defiantly the WORST NIGHT OF MY LIFE. I came to the conclusion that night that having Tim at my doctor's appointment was going to cause me too much stress and sadness, so I decided to not go pick him up in the morning.

The morning came, and I went to my doctor's appointment. I was 20 weeks along at this point, but measuring a week behind. The doctor was able to see that the baby was okay and that we were expecting a boy! WOW, this was a SHOCK! We both wanted a boy SO BAD and we were actually having one! I wished that Tim could have been there to share the experience with me, but I knew it was for the best that he wasn't there. Like he loved to point out to me, TECHNICALLY we weren't together...so he was just a "baby daddy" to me. And last time I checked, "baby daddy's" don't need to be at the appointments if the baby mamma don't want them there. So I left the doctor's office with an elated feeling of carrying a baby boy!

As soon as I pulled out my phone, that elation shattered. Tim had BLOWN UP MY PHONE, asking where I was. I hadn't responded to any of the text messages that morning asking what time I would be picking him up. I ignored them and decided I would deal with it when the appointment was over. That way, he couldn't use that sweet side of his that I ALWAYS seem to fall for and talk his way into coming. I texted him a picture of the ultrasound and said, "You're having a son." I didn't know what else to say, so I just left it at that. He immediately calls me and asks WTF happened this morning. I explained (as calmly as I could) that I decided him being there was going to cause me too much stress due to the events that unfolded the previous night. He threw a fit, which I fully expected, but he acted like I had just told him that he was not going to be allowed in his son's life.

PAUSE Now, I am a firm believer that woman should NEVER use their children as pawns or payback of any sort. If woman find out about "another woman" or the man does something she doesn't like, she should NEVER bring the child into the situation. Mommy and daddy's relationship is A COMPLETELY different relationship then daddy and child's relationship. But, his son wasn't born yet and I wasn't going to cause my baby any harm by being stressed out because he wanted to be at the doctor's appointment. UNPAUSE

Anyways, he got angry and I offered to meet up somewhere so he could have a copy of the ultrasound. We agreed, and met up at Wal-Mart. I gave him his copy that I had made and he went on his way. I went back to the motel I was staying in and just cried. I stayed in that motel bed ALL DAY with my cats and cried. Of course I felt bad for bailing on him, but when the decision is between my son and ANYTHING ELSE, my choice will always be my son. Simple as that. And I wasn't going to apologize for that.

 

[Dezireey]

Hun, stalking this thread and riveted with your great story but totally confused with your due dates? it says you had your BFP in December 2013? And at the bottom of your posts that you are expecting a girl in September?

Edited - I apologise profusely if I have this all wrong, but after I posted this above, I thought 'oh no, she must have lost a baby boy and is now having a baby girl, so I felt awful, so I looked through some of your posts and they all imply you have been TTC for a while and this pregnancy (december 2013) is your first one?

Sweetie, I cant make sense of your timeline of events and this story does not match what you are saying on other parts of B&B forum.

Hope I am just having a weird day, but this has juststumped me on why you are posting two different stories about your pregnancy / pregnancies? On B&B - did you lose your little boy and try for another with your FOB? I am so bloody sorry if thats the case

 

[Ambermichelle]

Hun, stalking this thread and riveted with your great story but totally confused with your due dates? it says you had your BFP in December 2013? And at the bottom of your posts that you are expecting a girl in September?

Edited - I apologise profusely if I have this all wrong, but after I posted this above, I thought 'oh no, she must have lost a baby boy and is now having a baby girl, so I felt awful, so I looked through some of your posts and they all imply you have been TTC for a while and this pregnancy (december 2013) is your first one?

Sweetie, I cant make sense of your timeline of events and this story does not match what you are saying on other parts of B&B forum.

Hope I am just having a weird day, but this has juststumped me on why you are posting two different stories about your pregnancy / pregnancies? On B&B - did you lose your little boy and try for another with your FOB? I am so bloody sorry if thats the case

I hadn't gotten to that part of my story yet, but I guess I can jump ahead for people who are confused.

A little while after this appointment, I lost my baby. When I posted in the TTC forums, I stated I was trying for my first baby, not my first pregnancy. And if I said "awhile," I meant only for 2-3 cycles.

When I mentioned that my son was measuring a week behind, he never grew after that and his heartbeat had stopped. FOB and I decided we wanted to try for another baby because we end up getting back together.

I'm getting to everything in my story, as soon as I can get there.

 

[Dezireey]

Sorry, thats a lot to go through with him, that must be tough on you, guess I was too impatient to know what happened next, didnt mean to upset you in anyway, im a bit confuddled in general lately ( teething toddler and no sleep!).

 

[Ambermichelle]

That's okay I'm sure if you were confused, others were too lol.

 

[Proserpina]

Enjoying reading your story. I was confused, but figured there was probably a loss somewhere and that the "measuring a week behind" might be a hint at what was to come.

I am so sorry for your loss.

Looking forward to reading the rest of your story!

 

[Ambermichelle]

Alrighty, still in early October here as the story pushes through. October is where a lot of things happen, so prepare yourself for smiles and heartbreak in this one.

So, after having my first doctor's appointment, I started to feel a little more refreshed and full of life. Sure, I was staying a hotel...but, I was working on what my next step was going to be. Now, since I started on my healthcare so late, the doctor wanted me to come in once a week to monitor his heart rate, since we didn't know what he started at when he was around 12 weeks along. I had an appointment scheduled for the next Monday.

I started looking for places and I managed to find one! I wouldn't be able to move in until October 23rd, so I needed to find another place to stay until then. I figured I would just stay in a hotel for as long as I could, and then I would figure out what to do after that. Tim and I had been texting a little bit, but we hadn't seen each other since Tuesday when I gave him the ultrasound. And to tell you the truth, I was okay with that. I had changed him name in my phone to "6 HOURS, FU*K HIM" to remind me of how much he hurt me and how much he didn't care for me. I didn't want to give in to his charm. I wanted to wean away from that hold he had over me. I didn't want to be with a man who could go and screw another girl 6 HOURS after we broke up. I get that people do stupid things when they are heartbroken, but that was one that I just couldn't forgive.

Monday rolled around and I headed to the doctor. When I got in there, I laid on the table and was excited to hear my son's heartbeat again. He put the Doppler on my tummy, and looked for what felt like an hour to find that heartbeat. I'm sure it was only a few minutes, but it felt like an eternity. He pulled it away and said, let me get the ultrasound machine. I waited what felt like another eternity for him to get back with that. He did his exam. When he was done, he looked me in the eye and said "Now, I don't want you to be alarmed, but I couldn't find your baby's heartbeat. I'm going to give you a referral to go to the hospital right now. I want you to head over there RIGHT AWAY. It may just be my machine, but I need you to go over there right now and make sure everything is okay."

My world shattered. No heartbeat?! How can something have a heartbeat one week, and then not the next? I walked out of the doctor's office with my head spinning. I wasn't crying though. I felt like a bad mother for not crying. Why wasn't I crying?! I just felt numb. A part of me knew what was going to happen at that hospital. I walked to my car and just sat there. Still as could be. I probably sat there for a good 5 minutes before I started my car and rushed to the hospital. Maybe I'm overreacting. Maybe I can still save him. I needed to stop feeling sorry for myself and get to that hospital. Luckily, the hospital was only 10 minutes away. I parked my car, got out, and walked up to the hospital. Maybe if I walk super slow, it will help? But, what if running helps? I didn't know what to do, so I just walked at my normal pace. I gave them the referral that had been given to me by my doctor, and was seen right away. Granted, it was a Monday and there didn't look to be anyone else around. But, at least I was getting seen. I texted Tim on my way back to the room and let him know what was going on. "I'm at the hospital. Doc told me to come here because he couldn't find his heartbeat. I think something is wrong." About 3 minutes later I get a text back. "If we lose him, it's your fault. YOU wished this." By, this time I was laying on the bed in my hospital room. I dropped my phone and THAT'S when I started to cry. My world shattered even more. He was right.

PAUSE I know this may be harsh, but I DID wish this. But, not like this. Earlier on in my pregnancy, when I was still contemplating an abortion, I had wished that I would have a miscarriage so I wouldn't have to be the one to decide the fate of my baby. I had secretly wished that the universe would decide it for me and I wouldn't have to "kill" my baby. This was before I saw him on the ultrasound and before I heard his heartbeat. This was before ANY OF THAT. And, I had shared this with Tim later on when we were doing good. I shared with him what I had been feeling. I opened him up to my heart again because I trusted him. Well, that was a big mistake. Tim was KING of throwing things back in my face. But, I thought to myself as I waited for the ultrasound tech to come in, "Even if I hadn't had that horrible thought, this is still my fault. He's inside my body, and if he isn't okay, then it's because MY body wasn't enough for him." I didn't know what to do, so I just laid there and cried. UNPAUSE

 

[Meezerowner]

So sorry for your loss

I know you have probably worked through a lot of grief by now but just incase.... it's defo *not* your fault! Whatever bad thing you may think or even say aloud and wish for does not have any baring on what actually happens to a baby. Babies are lost mostly due to abnormalities beyond our control.

People often think that their body has failed the baby but it's just not true.

I read somewhere that actually women that have (multiple) miscarriages are actually super fertile and their bodies will try and grow any and every baby above and beyond what other women's bodies would do. The problem is that the babies are often incompatable with life and eventually miscarry which is then very sad. "Normal" bodies recognise super-early on that there is a problem and don't even bother trying to grow the embryo and these don't even register as a miscarriage just a pregnancy that sort of never got going.

I think that this is a "nice" (if you can use that word) way of looking at MC - your body is so caring and loving that it will try and preserve and grow every baby no matter what.

Went off on a bit of an essay there - sorry to interupt your story!

 

[hayz_baby]

Im so sorry for the loss of your beautiful boy
Enjoying your writing though

 

[babycrazy1706]

Stalking
Great journal... Sorry for your loss. Xx

 

[Ambermichelle]

Thank you all so much for your kind words and encouragement. I've had a lot of time to process the lost of my baby boy, and I know that everything happens for a reason. He'll always be in my heart and not a day goes by that I don't think of him. I just look at it like he was far too perfect for this world and it wouldn't have been fair to have such a perfect son

If it's alright with you guys, I'm not going to go into too much detail about the loss because it will cause my a great deal of heartbreak. Not that I don't think about it or it isn't important, I just don't want to break down this Easter. So, we're still in October. Same day as when we left off...

The ultrasound tech came in with the doctor, and they performed their ultrasound on me. It was the most heartbreaking minutes of my life, but deep inside, I knew what they were going to say. The ultrasound tech wheeled out her ultrasound machine, so it was just the doctor and me left in the room. He looked at me and said "I'm so sorry to tell you this, but your baby doesn't have a heartbeat." I instantly started crying my eyes out. "I don't want you to think this is your fault, because it's not. This happens from time to time and it's something that is very difficult to process. Loss of a baby is very heartbreaking, especially in the second trimester. But again, it's not your fault. You didn't do this." He could see the pain in my eyes. I just didn't understand how something could be alive one week, and not the next? None of it made sense to me. I asked what I needed to do next. "Well, next we need to perform a D&E..." He kept going, but I had stopped listening. How was I going to tell my family? My friends? Tim?!

He wheeled me into another room and started the procedure. He put an IV in my arm that made me feel drunk and him and the nurse performed whatever procedure they needed to. I just looked up at the ceiling and thought of anything else. Anything to keep my mind off of what was happening. Before I knew it, they were done and they were wheeling me into another room to "watch" me. I was still in complete shock. I walked into this hospital being pregnant, and now I'm going to walk out and not be pregnant. While I was in the "recovery" room, I started to text Tim. I hadn't responded since he told me that it would be my fault if we lost him. I realized this is more of a phone conversation. I took a deep breath and called him. "I lost him..." were the first words out of my mouth. If I didn't say it at first, I was never going to find the courage to say it. There was a very long pause and he finally asked what had happened. I told him everything and he started to cry. I told him how sorry I was and how I didn't know what had happened. I felt horrible. He seemed to calm down and told me he would find a ride to the hospital. We hung up, and he showed up about an hour later. By this time, the doctor said I was fine to go home. He told me that my body would take a little while to get back to normal and to take it easy. Tim drove me back to my hotel and we just sat together and cried.

Looking back, I think it hit Tim harder then it did me. I was heartbroken, but I was so numb that I couldn't really feel pain or sadness. Tim has never had a true family who loves and cares for him (his parents are a f*cking joke when it comes to that), and I think he was really looking forward to having a son to love unconditionally. I know it was heartbreaking to him. But, a few days passed and life had to move on. I couldn't just sit and hurt forever, even though I wanted to. I had to get back to my normal life, whatever that was. I had to take care of myself.

 

[babycrazy1706]