time for a laugh-your best Midwife lines...

[scummy mummy]

my consultant asked the weight of my first daughter i told him she was 6lb 6 6 weeks early he went quite and said
"Jesus bet you glad you didn't cook her full term..... that would of hurt"

 

[Nikki B]

After seeing the potty shot after my 20 week scan my dr said "Well, definitely a boy. It will be fun to see if his balls will be as big as they look here. After all, the camera adds 10 pounds".

HAHAHAHA

 

[Chasesmommy]

these are GREAT!

At my first prenatal appointment (11 weeks) my doc was doing a sonogram to make sure everything was where it was supposed to be and she said, "Your ovaries are beautiful!" and I immediately started crying (I had just had an exam 2 months before where they told me both of my tubes were blocked and that I'd never conceive naturally) and she said, "Why are you crying?! Thats a compliment! If it makes you feel any better, your bladder looks TERRIBLE! You should have peed before you came!"

After we had our gender scan at 20 weeks the doctor told my OH that our son either had an erection or a future in adult video. (Oh STILL talks about this to everyone!)

 

[FiNZ]

I got upset when I was admitted at 26-27weeks with contractions and the gyno came to me to tell me that at this stage there was nothing to do if I go into labour,they couldn't put in a cerclage,all they could do was investigate the cause of my preterm labour to be able to save my next baby!!!
I broke down in tears,it was like he had given up on my baby.

On a more cheerful note,went to my 36weeks midwife appointment yesterday.I had been dreading it,since its routine at 36weeks to repeat the High Vaginal Swab.
I had been looking at my vajayjay in the mirror and it looked horrible to me,all swollen up and big.(OH luvs it)
When the. midwife told me that we wuld be doing the HVS,I said

"Oh God,I don't even want to let people see it,its gotten so ugly"

Midwife: "says who?I haven't seen it yet!"

So I got on the bed and took of my pants
Midwife:"wat were you so worried about,it looks great to me.very lovely"
Note:my midwife is a guy!! And very handsome,sometimes I think he flirts with me,and I kindda like it.really boost my confidence being fat and pregnant.
Am I bad???

OMG!!! Am I the only one who thinks your male midwife crossed the line here???

 

[vickles]

When giving birth to my son the midwife looked at me, smiled and said, 'your eyes look like pissholes in the snow' high on gas and air at the time this was hysterically funny!

 

[aaaaa]

Lol! These are great.

This one is not mine, but a funny and true story that my husband told me very recently: A pregnant woman he works with was talking to her doctor about circumcision after the baby is born. He said that a little known fact is that foreskin can be saved and used in cosmetic procedures on delicate parts like the eyelids. He then said, "Of course, those that have those eye procedures sometimes end up a little cock-eyed." Hehe

 

[TTC86JMS]

I got upset when I was admitted at 26-27weeks with contractions and the gyno came to me to tell me that at this stage there was nothing to do if I go into labour,they couldn't put in a cerclage,all they could do was investigate the cause of my preterm labour to be able to save my next baby!!!
I broke down in tears,it was like he had given up on my baby.

On a more cheerful note,went to my 36weeks midwife appointment yesterday.I had been dreading it,since its routine at 36weeks to repeat the High Vaginal Swab.
I had been looking at my vajayjay in the mirror and it looked horrible to me,all swollen up and big.(OH luvs it)
When the. midwife told me that we wuld be doing the HVS,I said

"Oh God,I don't even want to let people see it,its gotten so ugly"

Midwife: "says who?I haven't seen it yet!"

So I got on the bed and took of my pants
Midwife:"wat were you so worried about,it looks great to me.very lovely"
Note:my midwife is a guy!! And very handsome,sometimes I think he flirts with me,and I kindda like it.really boost my confidence being fat and pregnant.
Am I bad???

OMG!!! Am I the only one who thinks your male midwife crossed the line here???

he probably did cross the line,cos i dont want to tell OH about it,i know he will be furious. it just felt good for my self esteem.

 

[Peanuts_Mom]

I went for my 28 week scan and LO is measuring/weighing over 2 weeks ahead. So the gyno asks me, "you're planning a natural birth, right? " to which I nod, yes, and he pulls a face and says "Well if he keeps this growth rate up, we'll have to consider vaginal preservation methods, things could get a bit messy down there"!! I looked at my OH and burst out laughing! I loved his 'directness'.

Before that, just after the actual scan, he says "right, now i'm going to check your breasts", so without any warning pulls up my top and start grabbing and pinching at my boobs and says "you have perfect breasts".... At this point my OH is sitting there with a totally gobsmacked look on his face.
So I look at the gyno and say 'Thanks' he quickly fills in 'For breastfeeding that is'....
I thought this was all too funny...

 

[spiceyuk]

At my growth scan, my gyno said the baby has lovely long legs, I smiled and said I don't know where they come from (as hubby and I aren't very tall). She gave us both the head to toe glance and said " I know" !

 

[jess77]

mine is a funny line from my consultant just a couple of days ago, when I have to go in every week due to ruptured membranes at 26 weeks, im now 32 as of tomorrow yay!. As you can imagine I have had a hard stuggle to keep this bubba in for as long as i have, anyways I went on the bed so she could hear the heartbeat on the doppler, well my boy is famous for moving and kicking about at dr appts, anyways it took her 10 mins to find him and she said

'are you sure you want this child'

my poor hubby's face over the room was so sad, I know she was joking but bless him he took it to heart a little. In my head i thought, er yeah I do actually hes caused me enough trouble he aint going back lol.

 

[xpensivtaste]

i dont really have a funny story other than whilst i was in labour with my daughter i was told to lay on my side and pant like a dog with my tongue out.....now being out of it on gas and air made this request rather funny but who was i to argue so i did as i was told.....

not really something my midwife said but her name (first and last) is the same as OH's ex, my step daughters mum who is a complete b***ch. we found it rather funny and ironic that they shared a name. my midwife however is lovely and i am glad she is taking care of me throughout my pregnancy. gave us a good chuckle tho at first

 

[jx6]

When I was in hospital about to have my first baby,the midwife asked my DH to get babies clothes out ready he held up the babygrow for baby to wear and the midwife said "well thats not going to fit!" I was horrified it was for up to 9lb baby!Like I wasn't scared enough lol she was wrong by the way,thank god!

 

[Miss Duke]

I got upset when I was admitted at 26-27weeks with contractions and the gyno came to me to tell me that at this stage there was nothing to do if I go into labour,they couldn't put in a cerclage,all they could do was investigate the cause of my preterm labour to be able to save my next baby!!!
I broke down in tears,it was like he had given up on my baby.

On a more cheerful note,went to my 36weeks midwife appointment yesterday.I had been dreading it,since its routine at 36weeks to repeat the High Vaginal Swab.
I had been looking at my vajayjay in the mirror and it looked horrible to me,all swollen up and big.(OH luvs it)
When the. midwife told me that we wuld be doing the HVS,I said

"Oh God,I don't even want to let people see it,its gotten so ugly"

Midwife: "says who?I haven't seen it yet!"

So I got on the bed and took of my pants
Midwife:"wat were you so worried about,it looks great to me.very lovely"
Note:my midwife is a guy!! And very handsome,sometimes I think he flirts with me,and I kindda like it.really boost my confidence being fat and pregnant.
Am I bad???

OMG!!! Am I the only one who thinks your male midwife crossed the line here???

Yep, I was very uncomfortable reading it!

 

[hubblybubbly]

I was admitted at 19 weeks with a big ol bleed - HCA on the ward..

"do you think it's just a heavy period, love?!?!?"

errr..no

 

[tripletsOMG]

When i went in for an u/s after a positive preg test & iud removal.

Me:So did they call u with us results?
mw:not yet y ?
me: i'm having triplets!
mw: WHAT? Are you serious?
ME:yes, 3 hb's
mw:hang on.(calling radiology) returns to room moments later
Me:So?
mw: here's a bag of vitamins we dont do multiples!

 

[LouLou78]

When giving birth to my son the midwife looked at me, smiled and said, 'your eyes look like pissholes in the snow' high on gas and air at the time this was hysterically funny!

hahahahaha

Love this thread.