TMI Question about BD after loss

Discussion in 'Miscarriage Support' started by KitKaboodle, Jan 27, 2011.

  1. KitKaboodle

    KitKaboodle Well-Known Member

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    I have a question. It may be TMI but idk. I lost baby on the Dec 19th, had D&C on dec 31st.....I know some ppl, after having a loss, jump back into TTC, I just can't do it. I don't even WANT to BD with my OH. We did just recently ( i know that contradicts, but I was starting to feel bad for him, and physically everything is ok), and after we were done I started bawling....i just couldn't control myself......I scared the crap outta him cause he couldn't understand why I was crying, and I couldn't even explain it.......I felt so.....idk......did/does anyone feel like this?:cry:
     
  2. sounder

    sounder Well-Known Member

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    i am sorry for your loss. it is devastating and it takes so long to emotionally rebound after a loss. i don't think that you are alone in your situation. i think that having sex again reminds you of the lost pregnancy. don't do it until you are ready. you will be ready again someday. i am sure that he will understand. the heartbreak will always be there, but you will manage a bit better everyday.
    take care.
     
  3. stresshead

    stresshead Member

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    hi firstly im so sorry for your loss.I had a mc at the end of nov and to be honest i feel exactly the same as you.I now associate sex with getting pg and the worse thing that has ever happened to me so i tend to find excuses.My partner has been really understanding and i have told him why i keep turning away,i just wonder how long i will feel like this and how long he will continue to understand.Every-thing is still very fresh in my(and your) mind and as the previous poster said you (and me) have to give it time until you feel ready.
     
  4. diverdi

    diverdi Well-Known Member

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    My first thoughts after my MMC were to get pregnant straight away. I'm a 'fixer' so my way of facing challenges is to try to make them better and that was all I could think of.
    We first time we managed to DTD after I cried a bit, but hid that from my DH.
    It sounds like you're not ready to try yet, and it's still early days so that's fine, take your time, you may feel better after the next AF when things feel more 'normal'.
    I'm glad to hear your OH has been so supportive.
     
  5. Eternal

    Eternal Three boys!

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    i felt like that the first time we did it. i cried and cried.

    we have started TTC but yesterday it got a bit much, sex is different when TTC and i just got really upset thinking juts 3 weeks ago i was 11 weeks pregnant and now im trying again! couldnt do it and cried for ages.

    we all deal differently honey, but i think what your experiencing is totally normal. lots of luck and hugs xxx
     
  6. Lovebug88

    Lovebug88 Member

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    I felt exactly like that. We are on a break from trying to concieve (were still a bit traumatised from a missed miscarriage in september) and I am looking at the contraceptive pill (I tried one that didnt agree with me years ago, so im considering others) So we use condoms (also pulling out a few times - sorry if tmi!) and after almost 5 months, I am so paranoid that there has to be no chance that we could get pregnant before were ready. I must so annoy my fiance with all the questions I ask him to make sure were safe, and I still get paranoid until AF arrives. I just wanted to share my story, because theres been a few occasions where ive thought, I was the only person to think/feel like that. So I hope this brings you comfort that your not alone, and it's perfectly normal. I wish you all the luck in the world in TTC when your ready :)
     
  7. KateC

    KateC Well-Known Member

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    Take your time. We all deal with this a little differently.

    When I was waiting to miscarry, I actually had more sex with my husband because I needed the closeness and physical contact. It was an emotionally fulfilling thing for me rather than a physical arousal thing. It wasn't like we were just so horny we couldn't keep our hands off of each other, more like words just weren't as effective as contact.

    But I think that not wanting sex sounds very natural and like an important part of the recovery for you. If it's the pressure of TTC that gets to you, then by all means take a break from that. You don't have to rush in and pick up right where you left off. It's okay to take it slow for a while. If it's the physical side of the intimacy that's hard, then that's okay, too. Your body has been through a lot, both physically and hormonally, and I am sure that your partner will understand that it's a difficult transition for you. Keep him in the loop about it so that he doesn't feel that you've just cooled off because you don't love him anymore. Help him to understand what you're feeling.

    When you do start taking steps back to a more active sex life, take it slow. Try to allow yourself to let go of your loss during intimate times and just feel the love and closeness with your partner. It's all part of the healing process, and there's nothing bad or wrong about how you feel, it's just a difficult transition.

    Good luck.
     
  8. KitKaboodle

    KitKaboodle Well-Known Member

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    Thank you so much everyone!!! Its amazing have ppl that have been through and are dealing with what your going through...noone in my family understands, as they've never had to deal with this loss...its nice having people that I can talk to and ask questions about everything.
    I talked to my OH the other nite and explained to him how I felt. He felt alot better knowing what was going on with me, and he told me he was starting feel like maybe it was him...and I told him that it DEF had nothing to do with him and explained how much I loved him.
    I'm glad that I have someone so understanding.....its makes this difficult situation a little easier..
     
  9. KateC

    KateC Well-Known Member

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    That sounds wonderful, Kit. I think it's very brave of you and very smart of you to keep him in the loop like that. Our husbands and partners aren't immune to insecurity. As long as he's confident that he's doing everything right to support you, I'm sure that patience in waiting for sexual activity to resume will come easily.

    Hugs for you both.
     
  10. xSamanthax

    xSamanthax DD1, DS1 and 1 Angel

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    I know how you feel hun, i haven't DTD since the 11th of Jan, thats the last day we did it and then i lost my little angel on the 13th :( I still can't bring myself to DTD even now, i think i will be emotionally a bit more ready once i finally get my BFN result but then also think i won't be able to until i get my AF. I've told my OH why i can't and he seems to understand, i just do other things for him :blush: so he isn't sexually frustrated as he has a high sex drive.
     

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