to married people (or engaged)

[Quackquack99]

I'm not engaged or anything, but did the impending marriage scare you? Did you have any fears previously?

The reason I'm asking is because I'd love to get married, I think its a beautiful ceremony to unite a relationship. But I am absolutely petrified! My dad is asian and it was common practice for arranged marriages to take. I mean growing up I've seen forced marriages and I think that this has install a big massive fear. I love my oh dearly. He is my one and I'd love to get married to him but I'm so scared even though I know my marriage to him would be nothing like the ones I've seen. Am I being pathetic? Can anyone relate?

 

[AonTaistealai]

I wasn't at all nervous about marrying my husband since I'd know him over half my life. I definitely had plenty of time to know him, and I knew I was making the right choice.

I don't think it's pathetic to have concerns about spending the rest of your life with another person. I understand your concern about not having a great marriage model to follow. My parents have both been married multiple times and I didn't have a good idea of how a successful marriage was supposed to work.

Luckily, my husband's family members are just the opposite: his parents have been together over 30 yrs, his grandparents for over 50. My point is that it's ok to look outside your family for examples. How are the marriages of your close friends or their parents? If nothing else, the marriages you've seen will give you an example of what you don't want in your own.

Also, just because something works for another couple doesn't mean you have to do the same thing. You and your future husband will have a unique relationship and only you two will know the intimate details of it; it's up to both of you to make it work in a way you're both happy with.

 

[Mrs Eleflump]

I wasn't nervous, and I never questioned that I was doing the right thing. We'd been together 6 years when he proposed, and I knew that he was (and still is ) 'the one'. I did have a few moments of thinking 'wow, this is very grown up and serious', and being a bit intimidated by that, but it was the gravity and the formality of it rather than 'oh god, do I really want to spend the rest of my life with this person?', if you get my meaning?

My parents have been married for over 30 years, and they have had their ups and downs, they have never been good at resolving conflicts. They love each other so much, and they would be useless without each other, though. Hubby's parents divorced when he was very small, and he has since seen his dad go through another failed marriage and several unsuccessful relationships. He's now married again and seems pretty happy. Hubby was worried about being the same as his dad, but he's such a different man, different values and a different view of women entirely.

I think our respective family histories have made us determined not to repeat our parents' mistakes, and as a result we never shout at each other, we talk a lot, we are honest with each other, and we always show our appreciation of each other and how much we love each other. I always used to go silent and moody when something was wrong, because that's all I knew how to do, I didn't have a model for actually resolving problems, but over time, with his help, I have changed, and now when I get upset over something hubby has done or not done, I am only quiet while I think of how to articulate my feelings without being hurtful or destructive, and then I talk to him.

All that waffle was just meant to illustrate the point that you are not tied in to repeat what you have seen in the past, and if you talk about your worries with your OH, you can work out how you want things to be in your marriage and work together on getting there. You already know he's the right one, so that's more than half the battle! Good luck, it takes time and patience, but it's so worth it. I have to say that marrying my husband was the best thing I ever did

 

[mummylove]

We get married next feb and I cant wait. IVe never felt this way for anyone before and I know his the one. Its all normal to be scared

 

[J04NN4]

I was not nervous at all, I knew my husband was the one for me and I just knew we'd be OK. But then I had a fantastic model to work off, my parents have been together for nearly 30 years and I literally don't know a happier couple. Their marriage was like the goal to me so I knew I'd got something good when they told me that my relationship with OH reminded them of them when they were our age. Also no one in my family has ever got divorced; with varying degrees of success, admittedly - none of them seem as happy as my folks but they're at least happy enough to stick together. My Grandparents have been married nearly 60 years and still going strong.

My husband on the other hand didn't have the best example. His dad was an alcoholic and without going into too much detail this eventually led to a very acrimonious divorce followed by his dad's early death. Understandably this has left my husband with rather a lot of issues about being a husband (and later a dad - something we've had to overcome whilst WTT) as he's had such a poor example.

What I'm saying is you can use both positives and negatives as an example. I grew up longing for a marriage like my mum and dad's, and lucky for me, I've got it. I know it sounds smug but myself and OH/my mum and dad are the happiest couples I know. My OH could have gone through life thinking marriage was this big scary thing which was destined to go wrong - or he could realise his parents were just people who made a mistake and had their own issues, and see it as an example of what he doesn't want and the type of parent he doesn't want to be.

Seeing the type of marriage you don't want, whilst sad and ultimately more difficult to deal with, is just as useful as seeing the type of marriage you DO want. You just need to be honest, with yourself and with each other.

 

[saphiresky]

I wasnt nervous at all. I had a bit of added stress organising our wedding from Glasgow when it took place in New Zealand - luckily I have a very helpful mother and bridesmaid who was in NZ still! Being married compared with how we were before... we're still the same! We bought our house 4 years ago and been living together that long got married in June last year. We're exactly the same as before, we dont have any children yet. Love him so much I moved to the otherside of the world literally! hehe

 

[MrsGruffalo]

For years I said I would never get married, because my parents split up and it was horrible.

When I moved out of home, I lived with a married couple who were just amazing, and made me realise that a good marriage was something I wanted.

When I met my DH, I knew within a few weeks I wanted to marry him. That never scared me. It was just so obvious to to me, and I love him so much, and I know I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I was nervous on our wedding day, but simply because I would be in front of lots of people, not because of getting married! I couldn't wait to be married

 

[amjon]

I was nervous. DH is also Asian (Indian), so he really didn't know much about a christian, American wedding. We also decided to have the wedding before LO was born, so have only know each other just under a year when we were married (last week ). We lost LO 2 weeks before the wedding, so we were also dealing with that. I was nervous for the ceremony too, just hoping he would remember what to do and be on time. I do think DH will be a good partner though and we will be able to work through any problems.

 

[Pearls18]

I wasn't nervous, I was very happy with what I was doing and it felt so right, and still feel that way lol. I never thought marriage would change us as we had been together nearly 6 years and had a child, but it did. The commitment made on both sides made me feel so secure, it's not just about dedicating yourselves to one another but agreeing you're on the same page for your future if you get me? None of this "where do you see us going?" "I want to do this....I want a child...etc" It's us against the world.....I LOVE marriage. It has changed us for an even better couple. As far as I'm aware he had no reservations either lol. I feel like it makes us better parents personally for us because I feel we have a rock solid family unit. But this is a personal opinion.

 

[NaturalMomma]

I wasn't scared, but then again, I've never seen people get forced to get married either. So I can't relate.

 

[mummylove]

For years I said I would never get married, because my parents split up and it was horrible.

I used to say that when i was 14 cus my mum and dad split

 

[teacup]

We're getting married in Sept and I am really excited! I think I might be a little nervous on the day though because I'm not used to being center of attention. But our ceremony is in a beautiful garden in a stone archway, so it will be very relaxed.

 

[iow_bird]

I was so excited I practically ran down the aisle! everyone laughed at me hehe!

I had a few moments of oooh this is it for the rest of my life, but I think thats normal.

I haven't ever seen anyone I know involved in an arranged marriage though.

My marriage is wonderful, all safe and secure. It's like havinga cuddle everytime I remember that I'm loved enough for OH to want to spend the rest of his life with me

 

[Deeva]

I'm not engaged or anything, but did the impending marriage scare you? Did you have any fears previously?

The reason I'm asking is because I'd love to get married, I think its a beautiful ceremony to unite a relationship. But I am absolutely petrified! My dad is asian and it was common practice for arranged marriages to take. I mean growing up I've seen forced marriages and I think that this has install a big massive fear. I love my oh dearly. He is my one and I'd love to get married to him but I'm so scared even though I know my marriage to him would be nothing like the ones I've seen. Am I being pathetic? Can anyone relate?

My husband is asian, he is from India! we got together in may 2009 and were married on dec 2010. I travelled in India to get married, hubby used to live in UK for 5 yrs b4 going bk and we lived together for 1 yrs....i was a little anxious about meeting his family even though i had spoke to them via phone and his brothers on facebook. but once i got there and once we were married, everything was fine! he is still in India due to visa problems and alot of ppl in this country have critisised us as ppl think he is using me or i did it for money etc etc but haters are haters and just hate maybe cos they're life isn't so great..... anyways his visa is in process and even tho we've had a long distance relationship/marriage but it helps with skype.
anyhoooo....... i loooove being marrried! ive never felt happier or more comfortable with anyone in my life. Marriage is hard work as well thou, u need to work to make the spark always be there, but if u marry the right person then everything is amazing!!!!

 

[ManicsGirl]

I think it's a totally natural way to feel - it's a huge decision! Like some of the other posters have said, it does depend on how your experiences of marriage have been. Personally, I always thought marriage to be unnecessary, since I was young. Nothing had happened to me to make me feel that way - no acrimonious parental divorce or anything - I just felt that if a couple was meant to be together forever, they would be regardless of being married or not. That changed when I met my OH and we fell head over heels in love with each other in the space of our first two dates, and since then we have spent every chance we get together.

My parents, while they have had their ups and downs, have been married for 25 years and you can tell they still care deeply about each other. I know that with my OH, despite the fact we've only been together 3 months, we both know exactly what we want (already, which is slightly scary but feels so very natural) and we both want to get married to each other and have children. This is despite a previous bad experience with marriage for OH, which could very easily, and understandably, put him right off marriage altogether!
It is what you make it, and I think the important thing is to only do it for the two of you. I know that I would never get married to please anyone apart from me and OH, and knowing that the feeling is mutual makes it all the easier. I think my situation is also helped by the fact that we know there will be no pressure from either side for us to get married, and we could quite happily be together for the rest of our lives without being married, but we actually want to be husband and wife - despite his bad experience, and despite my previous opinions on marriage.

 

[sarahwantland]

I am nervous!! I am beyong nervous and hesitant to the point that I have wondered if Josh is the one for me. We are engaged and I am fearful to take it to the next step! The reason for that is that I am a very independent woman who has been through some abusive relationships. Josh is the first man to treat me with respect. I just..I don't know.. We are waiting a few years until I write my first book (I am a writer) to tie the knot. I am actually kind of relieved..Am I weird??

 

[ManicsGirl]

I am nervous!! I am beyong nervous and hesitant to the point that I have wondered if Josh is the one for me. We are engaged and I am fearful to take it to the next step! The reason for that is that I am a very independent woman who has been through some abusive relationships. Josh is the first man to treat me with respect. I just..I don't know.. We are waiting a few years until I write my first book (I am a writer) to tie the knot. I am actually kind of relieved..Am I weird??

I wouldn't say you're weird at all! It's better to feel like this before you get married than start feeling that way after the fact, if that makes any sense? You can go into it sure of how you feel after having time to think everything through. Sensible, if you ask me

 

[sarahwantland]

LOL! Thank God I am doing something sensible in life then! No, I thought it was weird because there is this misconception that you have to be happy and all gung-ho when you get married. I am not that way. You are right. It is a major decision and it is life changing. You can be a little nervous and shaky!!

 

[Quackquack99]

Thank you to everyone who replied.I'm estranged from my family so I don't have to worry about what my side would think. Well they wouldn't be too pleased that I had a baby out of wedlock lol. My oh would marry in an instant and I'm worried that he is waiting for me and its not fair on him. I love him dearly and I know I will spend the rest of my life with him. I'm just scared our relationship would change for the worse if we married. I really hope it isn't true.
My oh bought me a ring for xmas and said that he wished it was 'that' type of ring. I feel so bad. Its leap year this year. Isn't it acceptable for women to propose? Lol

 

[ManicsGirl]

On February 29th it's fair game for women to propose!