To those who've had losses and/or infertility problems - what should I say?

[kneeswrites]

Okay so... a few months ago I started talking to a friend of my mom's who I am facebook friends with about me potentially becoming a surrogate for her. She's had multiple early losses and a late second tri loss. I've always felt so bad and guilty for being able to get pregnant and for having a healthy baby and never having dealt with losses. I know that's stupid but I feel completely unworthy and yet she is a wonderful person and I don't understand why she can't have a child when she would be the best mother in the world.

Well, she was excited about surrogacy but for financial and health reasons she and her husband decided it wasn't the right time, and I told her if she ever decided to pursue it I was totally committed as I didn't plan on having another kid for a few years. So that's where we left the conversation.

Now I'm unexpectedly pregnant and I have no idea how to approach her. I don't want to come off as pitying or condescending. I desperately want to find a way to apologize for getting pregnant but I don't want to say we accidentally got pregnant because that I feel would be a slap in the face to someone trying so desperately for so long. But I can't say it was planned because I had promised to be her surrogate if she decided it was possible for them.

I'm still happy to be a surrogate for her. I would LOVE to do it actually. I'm sure the timing of the pregnancy won't be too big of a deal because they would need time to get the money and her health together for it. My thing is I don't know how to talk to her. Or if I should even say anything.

It's not that we're super close or anything, but I really like her and respect her and I want to do the right thing. I want to let her know I didn't just say "F surrogacy I want my own baby" and get knocked up, and I want her to know I am thinking about her feelings and not being totally oblivious to what she might feel about me getting pregnant.

Idk it's so complicated and I feel soooo bad and I'm also really really terrible at social interaction/social norms. I don't know how to interact with people normally at all much less a complicated situation like this.

I just want to not be a jerk basically. Any advice?

Edit: Want to add we already announced it. My mom said I shouldn't say anything and that her friend would understand and not be envious/mad/sad about it, but I thought about it and I realized that my mom has never even been pregnant or wanted to be pregnant (I'm adopted) and she couldn't possibly understand what my friend would feel.

Edit 2: Just realized this didn't need to be in first tri, could've been in pregnancy club. whoops. so used to first tri >.<

 

[jlw617]

I say go with your mothers advice, I don't think she expects/expected you to put your life on hold for her and so I don't think she will think you just got pregnant and thought "who cares about the surrogacy" I think if you really feel the need to say anything to her, maybe a nice heartfelt card a little later on stating the respect and burden you have for her and that you were and still are more than happy to be a surrogate if they choose to take that route.

 

[Peanutt]

It took me several years to conceive this pregnancy and after a miscarriage. I kind of understand her side of things.
First of all, she won't and can't expect you to put your life on hold.
Second, there's no way around it. It's going to hurt when or if she learns about your pregnancy. If you must tell her, just tell her you're pregnant and move on. I will tell you that if you say it was an accident, it'll be worse for her since she has tried so hard.
Really there's no way it won't hurt to learn of your pregnancy so it's better to do it like you'd pull off a bandaid-fast and don't dwell. You can tell her it doesn't change your mind about being a surrogate though. That should make her feel better.

 

[Peanutt]

But don't appogize or feel bad about your pregnancy.

 

[mummy2o]

Make sure comments about your pregnancy to her are minimum. I recently had to unfriend someone on facebook as every other comment she posted was about her new baby being due in a few weeks, roughly the same time as my 2nd trimester loss and although I'm pregnant again I'm not feeling that hopeful as you don't. So I've currently cut all ties with her, but will probably befriend her again in a few months. If your relationship changes that's fine to as due to no fault of your own, she might not stand being around pregnant people. I sure as hell don't like pregnant people after I have a loss, even if its some random person in the supermarket. My first outing after Christmas I counted 5 ladies before I just turned round and went home as I couldn't take any more. Everyone deals with it differently though so tell her and let her decide what to do

 

[maryanne1987]

At the end of the day hun there is only so much you can do to consider her feelings. You offered her a wonderful opportunity which most ladies in her position wouldn't get. I know the time wasn't right for her due to circumstances but you couldn't be expected to put your life on hold until the time is right for her. Yes she will probably take it hard. When you have suffered years of heartache just seeing a pregnant woman in the street can be a crushing blow. Many a times ive had to choke back tears at seeing a heavily pregnant woman rubbing her bump or a new mummy cradling her baby, especially after my little daughter died in the second tri, but at the end of the day you have to deal with it. It's not those womens faults that for those years I couldn't carry a child. So yes be thoughtful and don't rub it in her face but also don't go overboard and let in ruin what should be an exciting time for you.

 

[NDH]

I wouldn't say anything about whether the pregnancy was accidental or planned. Simply tell her upfront that she deserves to hear from you rather than through the grapevine that you are pregnant but that your previous offer of being a surrogate if she wants is still on the table after the birth and a recovery period.
Keep it matter of fact,.

 

[kneeswrites]

Thank you guys so much. I really respect this woman and I didn't want to hurt her any more than I had to. I sent her a message using everyone's advice and I feel okay about it.

I've decided that if I feel the need to talk excessively on facebook about being pregnant I will just block her from it so that she doesn't have to see it. And I won't talk to her about it other than the message I sent her. Of course then I worry about other women who have had losses and struggle to carry a baby but whom I don't know about on my friend's list. I know I can't be expected to not be excited or worry about everyone's feelings but it's hard not to. Ugh, I just wish nobody had to go through losses, ever. It's so unfair.