Torn

Discussion in 'Pregnancy - First Trimester' started by anita665, Sep 14, 2007.

  1. anita665

    anita665 Mum of 2 & expecting 3rd

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    So here's the situation. I must be near 5 weeks pregnant now and it was unplanned and completely unexpected. My periods have been irregular for the last few months and I've had a termination before at 17 weeks, thanks to a very slow NHS which left me feeling suicidal, which means that every time there's something wrong with my period I panic that I'm pregnant. This month on the day it was due and clearly not happening I took a spare test to stop that panic before it started, knowing how worked up I get - except I saw this time a faint positive start to appear which turned darker and darker before my eyes.

    I was scared, knowing it wasn't the right time, we'd have money issues and I didn't know how it would affect our relationship but I couldn't even think of the possibiliy of an abortion again. I thought my Fiance would be ok as we'd planned to have kids in the future and I remembered him telling me if I got pregnant before it was planned we'd just have to deal with it because he knew how I felt. He seemed to love the idea of kids in the future and always talked about them. I figured things would be different from how we'd planned but that didn't mean worse. We could still enjoy what is happening to us.

    Thing is he reacted totally differently. His feelings on the situation are that it isn't the right time, we'd have money problems, he'd work all hours, we'd never get time together and it affects our plans for the future in a way which can't be changed. His biggest fear is that he would have no feelings for the child. He doesn't think he has it in him. He already has a child he has nothing to do with and he's worried if I have it, although he'd do his best, he may freeze and leave. He really can't seem to see himself being happy as a father. He doesn't want the worry or the responsibility. He see's nothing but bad in it.

    I'm really terrified because I have no idea how a termination will affect me this time. Especially as I can't help but pay attention to my overwhelming instincts. Feeling dizzy, tired, having to pee lots and feeling constantly sick may not be great but it's a constant reminder of whats inside me so my mind never gets a break. 5 weeks is nothing and maybe I could deal with an early termination but knowing the NHS, it will be a long wait again and my baby will be a real baby by the time it happens, not just a ball of cells. Then again I don't want to rush because it may not be enough time to decide and maybe I will lose it naturally. All I have to hang on to is that this time around I'll have him. But then he's worried he may not be able to stay with me knowing how much he's hurt me & that I will resent him and it will change our relationship. The thing is he won't have hurt me & I won't resent him. If it really is the wrong thing for him then I'm doing the best thing for us both and as long as he's supportive of what I will be going through there is no reason to resent him. Having the baby alone is not an option. My Fiance means the world to me. We have our moments but I know he's the guy for me and I can't imagine being without him. I can't force him to become a dad and I couldn't go through with it if he said yes just to make me happy and have him resent me and the child and possibly leave later. I know that the guilt that he'd then feel in the future for doing that a second time around would most likely quietly destroy him. I don't know why but I think maybe he's wrong and because of his past he thinks he can't have any feelings but actually he could be really happy. Do guys ever feel attached to their kids right away?? Is it normal for a guy to react like this? I'm really torn. To make matters worse I think he may think it wasn't an accident so he feels I've pretty much pushed him into a corner. Any advice is greatly appreciated. I don't want to lose my baby but I can't lose my Fiance even though I'm scared that may happen anyway.
     
  2. Arcanegirl

    Arcanegirl Bazinga!!

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    I havent really got much advice to give buy i think you two need to sit and have a proper talk about things b efore making a final decision. Make sure feelings from both sides are heard and taken into consideration.

    Money is the biggest thing most guys worry about, but with anything that life throws at you, you always make do with what you have.
     
  3. danielle19

    danielle19 Well-Known Member

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    as arcanegirl said i think you should talk first before making a desicion
    i wouldnt rush into anything unless you think its the right decision
    other than that i dont have any more advice
    do what is right for you
     
  4. Fairy_Girl

    Fairy_Girl Active Member

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    I also agree with the girls and think that you guys really need to talk this one out. I do believe that men bond with their children just like mothers do and you never know he might love that baby with all his heart and turn out being the best father ever. Either way its something you need to talk about. I really hope it works out for you and don't forget about adoption. There are so many couples out there that would love that baby as if it was their own.

    Good luck hun and please keep us posted.
     
  5. Soontobe

    Soontobe Well-Known Member

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    I dont know about oversea's but in Australia you wouldn't have been able to get a termination at 17 weeks pregnant.. thats pretty much half way to full term, but as long as you were happy with the descision..
    As for your partner, i would say give him some time and space to think.. If that happened to me, it would be the first thing i would do.. let him do his own thing for a little bit and then kinda say look we need to have "the talk" and lay your cards out for him.. tell him exactly what you told us pretty much.. your insecurities and your hopes etc.. then ask him what he is feeling.. just work on it from there...
    If he has the time to think he may just calm down to talk to you properly
    Goodluck with everything!
    Let us know how it goes :hugs:
     
  6. Mango

    Mango Well-Known Member

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    Hi Anita, as the other girls have said, I think you both need to discuss things further. My pregnancy too was unplanned and very unexpected but life doesn't throw more at you than you can handle. Your lil bundle of joy may be more of a blessing than you think!

    I don't think anyone ever truly feels ready financially for children, as Arcanegirl said, you have to make due with what you have. Your SO may feel differently about the baby over time, and perhaps he is still in a stage of shock. It may take him a few more weeks to really come to term with things as pregnancy can be overwhelming for the fathers too.

    Take some time, talk it about, think and talk it out some more. Best of luck!
     
  7. Suz

    Suz ~ I are a Nerd ~

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    :hugs: Wow, That would be a hard thing to have on the mind. My advice is to really think long and hard before making any decisions. I really dont want to sound harsh, but I would really look into your relationship with the father. There will never be the "right" time to have a baby, you just make it work. It really doesnt sound to me that he is there for you. You need to think of yourself first. If you want this baby, then I would say have it. Sounds like the father has some personal issues of his own and needs to do alittle growing up. :hugs: We are all hear for you if you ever want to chat. Just make sure you make choices that are right for you and not what someone else wants. :hugs:
     

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