Totally disappointed and feeling guilty :(

Discussion in 'Gender Disappointment' started by Johnsa37, Aug 2, 2017.

  1. Johnsa37

    Johnsa37 Well-Known Member

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    I just needed to vent on here to some ladies who understand...

    I found out that we are expecting baby boy #2 on Friday last week, and I have been REALLY struggling with the news. I cried all evening Friday and periodically on Saturday and Sunday every time I thought about it. I still tear up when I think about it. I just so wanted a girl so that we could have one of each. I have struggled a lot in the past year because I have had trouble relating to my son as he is getting older -- he is just so into sports, trucks, rough and tumble stuff... and because of this, he naturally gravitates to my husband because they share common interests. He is such a "daddy's boy." It makes me sad that I haven't gotten to experience the "mama's boy" that everyone talks about. I also don't think that we will have another child, so I am mourning the little girl that I will never have. :cry:

    I've also noticed that people seem so sympathetic when I tell them we are having another boy - it is depressing. They always qualify their congratulatory wishes with "oh, well at least DS1 will have a buddy" or "well I guess you will have to try for a girl!" It makes me feel like I got the short end of the stick, which isn't right. I don't understand why having more than 1 boy makes people sympathetic - like I am just a pitiful "boy mom." Everyone assumes that having 1 child of each sex makes a "complete family" -- which implies that having 2 boys is an "incomplete family." It makes me feel so much worse -- like I am supposed to be feeling bad about it.

    I just needed to vent. I know that I will get over it at some point, but it just dampens the excitement. I'm not nearly as excited because we already have everything we need for a boy. Thanks for listening to my whining!
     
  2. Feronia

    Feronia Well-Known Member

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    I think what a lot of parents of multiple kids realize eventually is this: every kid is an individual, and you have no idea what a kid will be like based on their genitalia. This little one might be more bonded to you and share your interests, and conversely if you had a girl she may have been very rough and tumble and also into sports and trucks. This one way not be into sports at all. He may be into dolls and dresses, and that's okay, too! :)

    My son is really into cars and trucks, too, but he's also into dolls, strollers, and spinning around in his tutus. He's a cuddly little guy who is sooo bonded to me. Either way, literally the only thing you know about this baby is that he has a penis! There's so much more to him that you'll find out, and it's okay to grieve and get used to that idea.
     
  3. Johnsa37

    Johnsa37 Well-Known Member

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    Thank you for your response! You are right and I totally acknowledge that I have boy and girl stereotypes in my head. I have a friend who has a boy who better aligns with the "stereotypical girl" and a girl who better aligns with the "stereotypical boy." I just need to grasp the fact that every child is an individual - I guess I was just craving something new and different and more relatable, but my two boys will be very different from each other I'm sure!
     
  4. jtink28

    jtink28 Mama

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    i have two boys, and they are just the most opposite boys ever! one is a total mama's boy, one is a total daddy's boy. but i can promise you this, you will NEVER regret having two boys and watching that brotherly bond. it's honestly amazing to watch two boys become brothers in every sense. you'll still think about what life would have been like with a girl from time to time (i do too) but life with two boys is so so great :)
     
  5. WackyMumof2

    WackyMumof2 Well-Known Member

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    First of all, I'm sorry you're dealing with these feelings. I felt the same way when I had my second son in 2010 but I made the mistake of trusting my so called 'medium' MIL rather than trusting my gut. And it hurt. It really did and I struggled to bond for such a long time. The day he was born was different. I was just over-taken by love for this vulnerable little newborn. As for the general statement of 'a girl completing a family', even if he was a girl that wouldn't have been true. I never wanted any less than 3 so it would have always felt that one was missing.

    When I unexpectedly fell pregnant with DS3 (we'd decided at DS2 no more children as he's at the severe end of the ADHD spectrum) I WANTED a boy so I didn't have to feel the disappointment I felt in my second pregnancy. I was happy the day they told me 'boy'. It meant I didn't have to deal with not getting that little girl. And I was content until we decided we wanted a sibling close in age for DS3 to grow up with even though I swore and declared I wanted my tubes tied.

    Try not to upset yourself. Only you and your husband can decide if your family is complete as a family of 4 or not. If you decide you want to have another child, by all means, go for it. But try not to get upset if that little lady you want doesn't happen. <3 Your children, regardless of sex will always come back to you because YOU offer a different form of security, warmth, food, etc that Dad's don't. <3
     
  6. donnarobinson

    donnarobinson Mommy Of 3 Boys

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    Big hugs I have 3 boys and badly wanted a girl when having ds3 I cried my eyes out when I found out he was a boy it soon passed tho I love having all boys now
    There amazing and although I think I'll always be sad I don't have a girl I feel happy and complete and don't want any more children x
     
  7. Johnsa37

    Johnsa37 Well-Known Member

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    Thank you for responding! I am feeling better about it everyday, but I do still have moments where I feel sadness about not having a girl. I am getting excited about giving my little guy a little brother, and I really think that is the best gift.
     
  8. Johnsa37

    Johnsa37 Well-Known Member

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    Thank you for your kind words. My son wanted ME at bedtime last night, and that made me smile!!
     
  9. Johnsa37

    Johnsa37 Well-Known Member

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    I cried my eyes out for a few days as well, but I haven't cried in a couple of days now!! I call that success haha. I still get moments of sadness though, but I try to quickly think of all of the good things. I am excited to give my little boy the gift of a little brother and buddy!
     
  10. nicem815

    nicem815 Well-Known Member

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    I hope you are feeling better! I have a daughter, and we found out we were having another girl. I had the same types of reactions from people that you mentioned! I have found that if I almost immediately tell them that my husband and I are happy and excited, it makes them stop in their tracks and they don't say anything negative.

    Blessings on your pregnancy and on giving your little guy a buddy to play with and grow up with!
     
  11. kat132

    kat132 3 boys

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    i know exactly that feeling as i had it with my 2nd and now my 3rd. I am 34 weeks with my 3rd now and have got to the point where i let the comments go over my head and i am excited about my 3rd boy.

    You will get stupid comments about not having a girl but to be honest i know a lot of people who have 1 of each who wished they had had the same gender. They do become great friends. My 2 never leave each others sides and always have someone to play with. Yes they fight but all siblings do. I sometimes wish that one of the boys leaned more towards daddy but its all about me :winkwink: no one can be horrible to mummy or they both gang up on that person!

    I promise all will be fine. Keep your boys close and they will not leave you like everyone says they will. My brother is just as close to my parents as i am and he loves to be with them as much as he can xxx
     

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