Traumatic births

[angelstardust]

One thing I was told by a lovely nurse in NICU when I told her about my feelings towards 'this' baby, was that after a trauma our minds put everything on hold so our bodies can recover from what happened and the shock, so it does take time for that bond to happen.

I didn't see him till day 4, and when I did I took ill (sever vomiting so bad I was tested for meningitis). I held him on day 5, I have a picture to prove it, but I don't remember it. My first clear memory of him was in SCBU (he went in there on day 7) but from day 5 I was expressing milk for him so was down to visit every 4 hours but I don't actually remember any of those visits. I remember putting the milk in the fridge and expressing, but not seeing him.

His birthday every year is hard too. I find I have to take a moment at 'the time it happened' to mourn what I lost (a normal birth) and just take a deep breath really. That doesn't get better. I end up hiding the clocks on his birthday or else I sit and stare at it 'this happened now' 'I was doing this now'.

The moment I bonded fully with him was just after we were told he had 'some degree of brain damage'. I think I had been waiting on that since the moment I felt pain and knew something was wrong. So strange that the same day my world fell apart was the day that part of me finally opened up and accepted him.

 

[Jchihuahua]

I still can't get over or stop thinking about the trauma of my birth and the fact that we nearly lost Daisy twice. I get upset thinking about the whole 6 days in hospital from start to finish and especially the horrific labour and it makes me really peed off when people, usually in their 40s or 50s say to me 'oh well I had a really long, hard labour with no pain relief or anything with mine and I had to have stitches too etc etc' as if what I went through was no big deal and I shouldn't be upset by it but I know what we went through was terrible and my hubby knows it was terrible. I still can't look at the photos of Daisy from just after her birth when she was so bruised and swollen and cut. She doesn't look like the same baby I have now and I hate it that she was hurt.

 

[callyd]

i still get freaked out when i think about my delivery. the actual labour was fine, but Kaden was born not breathing. After 2 minutes of trying to make him start, all i heard was "let's call it" and to me that meant calling time of death because that is all i'd ever seen on TV (terrible). But they actually called a "code pink" and it was intercommed over the entire hospital.
Within moments 40 more people stormed the delivery suite and were doing all they could to revive Kaden. Thankfully about 2 minutes later, a nurse came over and said 'can you hear that? listen...' and you could make out the very tiny whimpers of a baby. But those 4 minutes were the scariest of my life, hands down.

Following that we had 10 awful days in the NICU where we were given the runaround, information was not given properly to us, and other health scares/challenges.

I am SO grateful he is okay now, but it still horrifies me to think back...

 

[chuck]

Well I went for my first counselling session today and had to spend most of it in the counsellors car as the fire alarm went off!!

I'm destined to develop a deep deep hatred of hospitals.

 

[pip holder]

Oh Chuck

 

[Wellington]

My dreams of delivery were also completely dashed over a year ago now.
From waterbirth ideals to theatre delivery via failed ventouse and then forceps. Over 3 litres of blood lost (and they call over 500ml a major haemorrhage - ha!) cuts and blood transfusions. Didn't get to cut the cord, didn't get any skin contact etc.

Less worse than some of you I know, but It has taken over a year of being on here (lurked until preggo with number 2) to speak out.

Do you know what pi**ed be off the most? Other friends who have had babies since and their other half harping on about 'how proud they are of their wife/girlfriend giving birth without anything other than gas and air and popping their newborn out in 2 hours'

Arrrrrgh!

Well bully for them - if they were being sliced on a theatre table and had a man shove his arm up inside them to manually remove their placenta, I reckon they wouldn't have been on gas and air by then. It's more the implication that perhaps I made a bit of fuss - or couldn't hack it.

I cried for weeks afterwards. And and now starting to worry about this time.

Believe me, the memories faded enough for me to convice OH that the time was right to tray for number 2 - despite his concerns about the birth last time - so they do go.

End of a long string of posts, so I expect most people will have given up reading this far.... but I think it's helped just typing and acknowledging the fact that - NO- the birth wasn't great, YES - it was traumatic, YES - i probably had a bit more than the baby blues, but YES, I think I'll be ok now.


Thanks.

 

[angelstardust]

I'm still reading, Wellington.

You will be scared this time, but I so hope it goes well for you this time. Keep talking, any time you get a bit scared or have a wobble as I called it, just talk about it.

 

[purpledahlia]

im still here too. im in the process of requesting my notes - bit apprehensive about reading them tho.

 

[lfernie]

Purpledahlia, how did u go about requesting ur notes? My birth doesn't seem as traumatic as some I've read on here but it wasn't what I expected and everything seemed to spiral outwith my control and I'd really like to know what happened as no one explained to me at the time and after the delivery they took lo away because he wasn't breathing but once they gave him to me and he was ok they never really explained that either and I would really just like to know what went on! X

 

[Wellington]

Anglestar, Purpledahlia: Thank you.
I have an appointment with a doctor in a few weeks to go through my notes to find out exactly what happened. As it is, I am training to be a medic myself and have already read them as the midwife figured it would be ok at my booking in visit. To be honest - it brought it all back and made me cry again (something that hadn't happened for months and months). I think the purpose of reading them with the doc is to see if they can do anything to prevent it all going like that again, which is reassuring.

Steel yourself for a rough ride reading them again. I just hope I get a nice Obs to be with me!

Ifernie - there shouldn't be any reason why your midwife would deny you the chance to look at the notes from last time. Just say that you want to get straight in your head what happened last time to help you to move on. AFter all, the first part of the notes are the bit that you carried around for months anyway!

 

[purpledahlia]

Well my crap HV said i have to phon the hospital and ask them to put me thru to the right dept, and apparently you have to put in a request first then something else happens, but i thinkn thats crap, so im gonna ask my GP today when i go up at 5 how i can request them because if i do need to call she will have the number, Triage would know too. so i just need to do that, x

 

[angelstardust]

PALS.nhs.uk will tell you who to call. Search for your local office. You do have to pay for your notes to be copied remember, mine were £40!

Or you can write to them using the complaints procedure, which is what I did first. I wrote down questions, like 'why was I reviewed by a doctor who I never saw? The doctor looked at my back from the other side of the day room and said I looked fine.' Only problem with that is that the entry relating to that was later removed from my notes (it had been written in the bottom margin then cut off by the time I received my notes). Any question you ask in a complaint must be answered. It's a good option to find out what happened and for it to be written down clearly and explained, without you having to try and work it out from your notes.

 

[purpledahlia]

Cool ill think about how i want to do it.

I had the doctor tonight, and im finally getting somewhere with the kidney thing, the pain now is like in labour, all in my back and kidneys. I also think i have an infectionfrom too many internals, The doctor had to do one today and i burst into tears because it was too close to home and too much like labour, all i pictured was the time i had an internal and saw black spots and fainted,

Got an xray on monday and kidney ultrasound to follow, and on 5th and 6th lots of different antibiotics. All because of hospital negligence.

She said i can talk to one of the midwifes i had in labour and go over all my notes and stuff. and like you said can write a letter, i think i want to read my notes first, then write a letter then go over everything with somone. but i need to get better first!

 

[babybaillie]

I had a traumatic birth this time. I was taken in to be induced due to low platelets (17). I had 2 days of blood transfusions, then i was started on the gel. I was given 3 lots, but was only 1-2cms. I was taken to the delivery room at 8am 3 days after i was admitted. Finally was started on pitocin. Contractions started strong n hard. every few mins. Ive had 2 normal deliveries previously and the pain was nothing compaired to this time! They were finding it hard to keep track of LO's heartbeat so she was pressing down so hard on my tummy during contractions, which was horrendusly painful. They couldnt use foetal scalp monitoring due to the platelets. Epidural was out to. Had pethadine, but it didnt do anything to ease the pain. Had my waters broken, and several painfully sore internals, and by 9pm was only 3cms dilated. I couldnt take it anymore so dicussed an emergency c-section and was rushed through.

Had her at 10.05pm. Thankfully i did have a section as my baba had low platelets (19) too and had i had a normal delivery it would prob have killed her . So in a way although it was traumatic for me, it turned out to be the best thing for both of us.

 

[K477uk]

I think I want to read my notes after what happened to try and get some closure.. as I feel that although I didn't go through half of what you women did, I still feel sore over the birth that I had.

Wellington - I completly understand how pee'd off you feel! I find it hard to bring myself to congratulate people of "perfect" births.

 

[angelstardust]

You know, there is no scores in how traumatic each birth was. It is enough that you feel it was traumatic to you.

How's everyone doing today?

Have I mentioned https://www.birthtraumaassociation.org.uk/

These guys helped me so much after I had DS2. Was good to find a website about birth trauma, it meant it was really real and not in my head. It has lots of advice on how to get your notes, what the law says on it as well loads of other information.

 

[Jchihuahua]

Cool ill think about how i want to do it.

I had the doctor tonight, and im finally getting somewhere with the kidney thing, the pain now is like in labour, all in my back and kidneys. I also think i have an infectionfrom too many internals, The doctor had to do one today and i burst into tears because it was too close to home and too much like labour, all i pictured was the time i had an internal and saw black spots and fainted,

Got an xray on monday and kidney ultrasound to follow, and on 5th and 6th lots of different antibiotics. All because of hospital negligence.

She said i can talk to one of the midwifes i had in labour and go over all my notes and stuff. and like you said can write a letter, i think i want to read my notes first, then write a letter then go over everything with somone. but i need to get better first!

I hope you're feeling better soon and I hope going over your notes helps.

I know what you mean about the internals hun. I had so many over the 6 days I was in hospital due to being induced and then right at the end of my horrible labour I had one with 2 midwives and 3 doctors all gathered around with my legs up in stirrups and I've never felt so undignified and it hurt so much as I was all ripped inside and I burst into tears and couldn't stop crying and they were all saying 'what are you crying for?' as though I was being a big baby and now the thought of ever having to have any sort of internal ever again is terrifying me.

 

[purpledahlia]

yeah definately, it is horrible looking at the end of the bed seeing about 5 people gaping up yur hoo-ha isnt it, especialy when your not told who they are or why theyre there, i am sure some people who were in my room were students and i never consented to them being there, i didnt want them to be and i am angry nobody introduced themselves or asked if it was ok. It was quite a big thing getting that internal at the doctors, i was really shaken up and i dont think that feeling will go away when i need my next smear etc. Im terrified the swab is going to come back with ''retained placenta'' as it would need a D&C.. something i will be so so angry about as i had a c-section theres really no excuse. I would seriously consider sue'ing if its the case, complete negligence for so many things.

 

[littlekitten8]

Hope everyone is feeling a little better today. I am considering requesting my notes too. I want to know what the hell actually happened and why on earth they didn't intervene sooner. Also want to see the CTG to see how low his dips actually were!

 

[Wellington]

Woah. Just been engrossed in reading other peoples stories on the BTA website (address above from anglestardust - Thankks!).

I must have been luckier than I thought. My care was fab - I can only fault the behaviour/attitude of one member of staff.

What has rather made me wish I hadn't read them though was the extreme of blood loss. I topped out at 3200ml blood loss. I figured they see things like this all the time - but it seens that this was quite alot.
No wonder my hubby collapsed that night and wound up in A and E himself. Crap knows how he'll cope a second time if it shocked him last time. Damn. I'm worried about him as well as me now.

Maybe I should take him to the doctors appointment too...