trying to be a good friend

Discussion in 'Miscarriage Support' started by croydongirl, Jan 24, 2011.

  1. croydongirl

    croydongirl Well-Known Member

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    I have had 4 m/c while ttc #1. The last year has been a nightmare. My friend who has an almost 2 year old, kept saying to me - you get pregnant and then we'll try for another one. Thye weren't even actually trying but are now 6 weeks pregnant. It was hard to hear because of the little jokes we had about us going first - and of course I am not holding her to that, i know we were just playing and dreaming together but it is a reminder that we are still not on our way to having a baby.
    Anyway, we chat on the hone a lot and email back and forth, and she was good togive me space at the beginning when i told her i couldn't talk about her new pregnancy just yet and needed time to get myself together. But now every email is about how tired she is and how sick she feels and it is just so hard for me to know how to respond when i would give anything to be in her shoes
     
  2. aviolet

    aviolet Mommy of 1 angel

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    :hugs: that must be incredibly hard. I guess if it were me I'd take it as an opportunity to help remind her of how blessed she is. when receiving emails that are riddled with complaints of sickness and aches and pains, just try to gently remind her what those aches and pains are for - keep the focus of your responses on what the end gain is - a newborn baby, and remind her that many women would love to wake up with nausea if it meant one day holding their little one. These are the small sacrifices we have to make and sometimes it's easy to take them for granted and find them annoying because they seem like negatives. But one day her newborn will be out and about, crying, pooping, and generally being a new sort of pain :winkwink: and she will yearn for the days when she held her baby like a miracle inside her womb. because every baby is a miracle.

    A gentle reminder of this whenever she starts her complaints may get her in the habit of understanding that where you're coming from is a place of loss, and perhaps she'll develop a sensitivity to it that will help her be a more considerate friend towards you as well.

    sorry for your loss :hugs:
     
  3. mummyk2b

    mummyk2b wtt (investigations)

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    i'm so sorry that you are having such a difficult time at the moment. I know exactly what you mean about your friend... one of mine is pregnant and constantly moaning about sickness and tiredness so I do as you have been advised. Last time I said to her... "I remember feeling tired and sick before we lost our pregnancy. The exhaustion was terrible and I was always really conscious of reminding myself to be grateful because of what it meant. I actually look forward to it feeling it again now... I guess it's nature's way of preparing us for the sleepless nights when our little bundles arrive".

    Surprise, surprise - no moaning since! It may have been a little insensitive to actually mention our loss but I at the time, I thought it was insensitive of her to moan about what I had lost. I'm also sick of having to act as though I have never been pregnant (and not talk about my experience of being pregnant) just because I didn't go to term.

    I hope that the two of you can find a way to get around this as it must be difficult for you both and it would be awful for you to lose any of your closeness, especially at such emotional times for you both.

    Much love,

    K.xx
     
  4. croydongirl

    croydongirl Well-Known Member

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    Thank you ladies, I just wish none of us had to navigate this path. That we would all just have our healthy babies and not have to say goodbye early :(

    I don't want to hurt her feelings, and I want to be able to enjoy this with her but it is just a sensitive subject for me and I can feel myself getting bitter towards her when she is complaining all the time.
     
  5. aviolet

    aviolet Mommy of 1 angel

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    It isn't about hurting her feelings, hun, it's just about gently reminding her of what she has and should be grateful for. Don't let the bitterness boil inside of you if you have the opportunity to say a few words to her about how much she should appreciate this time with her child - carrying a baby is so special, i think some swelling and some aching and some nausea that women have endured well through the ages is minimal to the beauty of giving birth.

    hugs to you :hugs:
     
  6. SMFirst

    SMFirst New mom

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    I also have a friend who is pregnant (was two weeks ahead of me) and I have felt disappointed both in her lack of sympathy to my loss and the fact that she won't stop talking about her pregnancy.

    I've realized that it's almost like their own defense mechanism - to avoid negative thoughts about their own pregnancy. Selfish but maybe not unexpected..


    My story:

    Even yesterday my friend and I were talking and the few times I mentioned my problems she effectively ignored what I said and changed the topic to herself. Only at the very end of the conversation did she ask something about me, and it seemed like she didn't really want to ask but was just doing it because she knew I wanted to talk.

    But then she said something that surprised me - she commented that she has all the fears of something going wrong still, so she keeps talking about her pregnancy to remind herself that things are going normal, and I'm guessing she doesn't really want to hear the scary things I'm going through as it will bring up those fears again.

    Now, that is actually a pretty selfish way for a friend to think, especially when I'm looking for support but then I figure if the situation was reversed I might secretly feel the same (but I would hope I'd be more supportive that she's been.)

    So basically, I figure when looking for support during your loss, a pregnant friend or relative is the last person to talk to..
     
  7. croydongirl

    croydongirl Well-Known Member

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    That's a good point, it's hard because she was so very supportive of everything until she got pregnant - I just got ANOTHER email telling me how sick and tired she feels. She is only 6 weeks along - this is going to be the longest 8 months ever!!

    I think we are going to try again this month, and I am ovulating in about 5 days so we will start our baby dancing tonight. Here's hoping we that this will be our long awaited sticky bean and then I can be sick and tired too!!

    Thanks for sharing ladies, what a gift you all are x
     
  8. Starry Night

    Starry Night 4 angels, 2 rainbows

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    This may be difficult, but you may need to do your biggest moans to someone who isn't pregnant--especially someone still so early on where something COULD go wrong. First trimester is a scary time and it's so easy to dwell. I'm sure your friend still loves you and wants to support you but in this area she might only have so much strength. Focus on that she's TRYING to be sensitive. Maybe you should just be blunt and say that you don't have the strength to support her through the bulk of her moans but that you still love her and are happy to meet her child one day. AFter my loss, (and even still) I don't like to hear about people not wanting a child or constantly complaining about being pregnant. Though I admit I complain too...but more about my complications than preggo symptoms.

    I'm so sorry for your loss. It's so cruel and unfair and I'm sorry you're in this sticky situation with a beloved friend.
     

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