Trying to find them! Please help!

[miraclemomma]

Ok, long story! And possibly not the best place to post, but....my best friend (40 year old man if that’s relevant) split up with his long term girlfriend 8 years ago! They had 2 children together (both of which she stopped taking birth control without telling him, if that’s relevant)! They are now 13 and 10. Up until 18 months ago he was in regular contact, as were his parents! His parents actually took them on holiday to Florida around Christmas 2 years ago! Last year my friend went through a truly awful time and ended up in a severe depression! He became a recluse before attempting suicide twice (overdosed on both occasions and did take a fatal dose, just found in time)! In the meantime his ex partner got pregnant again however left her new partner as he was abusive! Contact was lost as she changed her number, cancelled social media, left no forwarding address etc! In the last 6 months he has been desperately trying to get in touch with the kids! He has found her house and has visited now on numerous occasions, but with no luck! He has left notes, messages with neighbours, waited for hours outside! On more than one occasion they have definitely been in but not answered the door! He is at a loss and I’m worrying that it is going to have a negative impact on his mental health! Does any one have any advice on what the next steps he should take are??

 

[daneuse27]

Strange.. is there anything legal in place with regards to his access with his kids?

It sounds like not all the facts are known. She's purposely hiding the kids from your friend; whether that is because she has reasons that aren't known to you, or if because she has some mental issue, is unknown. But I believe that she is deliberately ignoring him.. its no accident. Your friends mental health issues makes me wonder if it has something to do with that.

I wonder what the kids must be thinking; they must miss their grandparents, and likely their father. No one answering the door when they are home makes me wonder if they're on board with hiding too, or if they're just listening to their mom.

It sounds like a call to the police is in order. Something legal should be set in place that is fair for everyone and in the kid's best interest.

 

[miraclemomma]

There’s nothing legal in place because it wasn’t an issue. They didn’t split up on the beat terms (he moved down south to Work and travelled back every other weekend and it stopped working for either of them) but they were civil due to the kids! He’s no saint so knowing him as I do, he possibly hasn’t always been 100% reliable and I can imagine he’s pissed her off! However she is slightly unhinged (I sound awful but I’ve known them both a long time) so I feel like she would want to hurt him! However, whatever has happened between them (because even if I’m getting his full story her truth might be different taking in to account emotions, circumstance and perspective) I’m confused about the grandparents and where that went wrong! I think he’d like to know if it is just the ex that is withholding contact or whether she’s told the kids something that is making them not want to be in touch??? I feel a bit useless that I can’t help more to be honest....

 

[daneuse27]

There’s nothing legal in place because it wasn’t an issue. They didn’t split up on the beat terms (he moved down south to Work and travelled back every other weekend and it stopped working for either of them) but they were civil due to the kids! He’s no saint so knowing him as I do, he possibly hasn’t always been 100% reliable and I can imagine he’s pissed her off! However she is slightly unhinged (I sound awful but I’ve known them both a long time) so I feel like she would want to hurt him! However, whatever has happened between them (because even if I’m getting his full story her truth might be different taking in to account emotions, circumstance and perspective) I’m confused about the grandparents and where that went wrong! I think he’d like to know if it is just the ex that is withholding contact or whether she’s told the kids something that is making them not want to be in touch??? I feel a bit useless that I can’t help more to be honest....

How sure are you that they haven't seen their grandparents? Depending on how much of the story you don't know, it makes me wonder if somehow the grandparents could be seeing them, and agreeing to keep it a secret from their son.

Reason I wonder this is because raising 2 kids, plus a newborn all by yourself would be madness. I find it hard to imagine her doing it all alone without any help or support network. Here's someone (your friend) who'd be glad to take the older two out of the house for a bit, so she can focus on her baby, and she's turning that down. so she must feel pretty strongly about ceasing his involvement.. the big question is why. It doesn't make sense.

How did they split the custody back when your friend was involved? Depending on how involved he was, I think your friend needs to call the police because she's essentially kidnapped them.

 

[miraclemomma]

Thank you. I know his mum and stepdad quite well. They seem genuinely hurt by the situation so I do believe that they don’t see them! They also don’t live close so it would be a weekend trip to see them not just an hour out of the house.
I think the police is probably his next call! When they split he would go and stay every other weekend and spend time with the kids! It worked for 6-7years like that before she’s taken off with them!
They’d managed to be amicable for the kids sake! In fact at the start of his depression he left his then girlfriend to go stay with this ex as he felt secure there! So it is just really weird!
In fact, last time I was at his parents house she’d sent a postcard (back in May) apologising for not being in touch....but still hadn’t been in touch since!!! Xx

 

[miraclemomma]

Thank you. I know his mum and stepdad quite well. They seem genuinely hurt by the situation so I do believe that they don’t see them! They also don’t live close so it would be a weekend trip to see them not just an hour out of the house.
I think the police is probably his next call! When they split he would go and stay every other weekend and spend time with the kids! It worked for 6-7years like that before she’s taken off with them!
They’d managed to be amicable for the kids sake! In fact at the start of his depression he left his then girlfriend to go stay with this ex as he felt secure there! So it is just really weird!
In fact, last time I was at his parents house she’d sent a postcard (back in May) apologising for not being in touch....but still hadn’t been in touch since!!! Xx