TTC and death in family

[MegGem]

Hi ladies! Just a brief intro: I'm 25, been married almost 3 years and just started TTC (on cycle 2 now.)

I've been ready to TTC for a long time and was so excited that DH was finally ready to start trying. But now he is having second thoughts as his father is on his death bed, about to lose his battle with cancer. I totally understand that he does not want to go through two major life events at once and I support that. But he said that he wants to continue not using protection, but also not actually TRY to conceive, meaning no schedule sex! The main thing is, he knows he will be a wreck once my FIL passes, and he knows the stress will come down on me also, and he does not want to deal with a m/c.

I'm a bit torn. I obviously still want a baby badly. I don't know how much a life event like that would effect the health of my future baby if I were to conceive. I'm wondering if I should let fate take over our TTC or if we should not even risk it and use protection, until who knows how long during his grieving.

Has anyone gone through a loss while pg? And advice? Sometimes, I also think a child would be good for his grieving heart, but I don't know.

 

[becstar]

I have no experience of this, but didn't want to read and not post. I might be wrong, but it sounds to me like your husband is afraid to make a decision to ttc when faced with this imminent loss, and actually kind of wants fate to take over. Why not let it?

 

[who's_mummy]

Hello. Sorry to hear about your FIL's illness

It's a slightly different situation but when I had been TTC for 12mths my cousin was suddenly and tragically killed in a car accident with his fiancee. I found out a few weeks after his death and must have conceived around the same time as my son was born 40wks to the day after the accident. It's a slightly different situation to the one that you are in, but from my experience the family found it a bit of light relief to have something so positive to look forward to. Obviously the relationship wasn't quite so close as for you and I'll be honest and say that I do think it may have contributed slightly to the PND that I subsequently suffered after my son's birth (bereavement has been found to be a contributing factor in some PND research). Everybody is different but I just thought that I would be honest (sorry!).

Wishing you all the best whatever happens, I'm a big believer in fate and what will be will be!

Gemma x

 

[Babydance]

I agree with becstar - sometimes it's alot easier for a family to get over loss if there is another life coming into the world. Yes mc is a possibility but weigh it up possibility vs probability. Whats meant for you wont go past you so if a baby is for you just now it will happen.. if not then so be it. All the best hunny take care of yourself and DH! xoxoxox

 

[Lyns]

I'd agree that it sounds like your OH wants nature to play its part.

I was born the day one of my grandparents passed away...she saw me and then let go of life. My family all think that may well have been what she was waiting for. MAybe your OH feels its insensitive to focus on TTC while going through this, but doesn't really want to stop. This is his subconcious middle ground so to speak.

I'd be as loving and supportive as you can. Give him lots of TLC and maybe even quietly just make sure that you keep an eye on yur cycle and ensure that you make love around that time - after all there are no guarantees....as we all know!

And you know what....maybe nature will take a kind view on things for you all

 

[MegGem]

Thank you for all your kind words and support. It makes me feel better. I too feel that our first child might be the light at the end of this dark tunnel, if that is meant to be.

It's hard to totally let nature do it's thing because I am naturally very tuned into when I O. I'm not sure if I should let him know I am Oing and let him decide whether to DTD or just keep my mouth shut my whole cycle and just let him instigate the DTD. Or to use Preseed or not. Other wise I don't temp or use any other aids except prenatals of course.

 

[Tasha]

My husband's Nan died (not the same I know but she was the only woman before me that showed him love, and was more of a mum to him than his mother), and two days later we found out we were pregnant. The pregnancy and baby really helped Matt through (at that point ) the saddest time of his life, he often referred to our baby as his hope, and we truly believed baby was a sign, and a gift.

 

[srm0421]

I had a great grandfather who was very ill and I wanted him to meet his first and only great great grandchild before he died. We were not exactly TTC but we were not using protection and on my husbands grandmother's funeral day we got home and found out we were pregnant. Her name was Josephine and her surviving husband's name is Sebastian. We decided we would name the baby Emilia (after my great grandfather who was still hanging on, his name is Emil) Josephine (after his grandmother) if it was a girl and my husband did not mention it to me but he told his grandfather when we were 3 months along that if it is a boy he wanted to name him Sebastian. Even if I did not like the name the excitement in his grandfather's face was so great I could not take it back. Our son was born and he is Sebastian Joseph. It is very hard to get through the first few years after loosing a spouse and having something positive to look forward to might help the whole family in this heart breaking time. I think you need to discuss with your OH if you guys should stop completely or just let nature take its course and see what happens. Our son is a big topic of conversation because my husband and i were only together for 4 months when we found out we were pregnant and the first time i met his Grandma she told him to marry me. So we say that it was her that got us pregnant. My great grandfather did survive for 7 months after my sons birth and we got 5 generation pictures taken and he was so happy to have a great great grandson. Just a thought for you two to consider when deciding.

 

[Leanne&Bump..x]

I sort of have experience in this in a way.. my Granma also had cancer, i lived next door to her and was with her every day, well she knew i was pregnant, but just as i got to 11 weeks we lost her.. It hurt so much to think that she would never see this little one she knew about, and talked about so much..i think mabye although would be the pregnant one, your OH would feel the same.. To be honest i didnt want anybody to even talk about the baby because it killed me inside that she would never hold him..but things are picking up now, and people are looking at my son as something good to lift this year..so i think there is two perspectives.

From my experience i think he is probably scared of the feelings i had or something similar, and he also doesnt want the stress on yo..(when my granma died everybody said not to get too upset for the baby) so mabye he would be worried about baby too? Sorry if im babbling this just hits so close to home..

I think you should just leave it to fate and if it happens it happens and after a hard time there will be something to look forward to..

 

[MegGem]

Tasha and SRM, those are beautiful stories. Thank your for sharing. You are all really inspiring me to let fate happen. A birth after such a tragedy is even more a miracle.

DH isn't sure of anything because he is not focusing on TTC right now, all he can think about is his father. But he did say he doesn't want to try like we were (almost scheduling DTD.) But he made sure that I would continue to not drink caffeine and take my vitamins. Basically the ball is in his court. I am not sure though if I should let him know when I am O'ing or not?

PS: SRM, I love the name Sebastian! What a great story you will be able to share with him someday. I already plan to name our first child (middle names) after my FIL. A boy: Michael, A girl: Mikeayla.

 

[MegGem]

... and he also doesnt want the stress on yo..(when my granma died everybody said not to get too upset for the baby) so mabye he would be worried about baby too?

Yes, I think this is the biggest thing. He also said he wants my pregnancy to be an exciting time, not the worst time of his life. He does not know how he will react to the death. There is no way to answer this.

Leanne, sorry to hear about your grandmother. I'm sure you and your child feel your grandmothers presence everyday though. What a blessing to have your very own angel!

 

[Leanne&Bump..x]

... and he also doesnt want the stress on yo..(when my granma died everybody said not to get too upset for the baby) so mabye he would be worried about baby too?

Yes, I think this is the biggest thing. He also said he wants my pregnancy to be an exciting time, not the worst time of his life. He does not know how he will react to the death. There is no way to answer this.

Leanne, sorry to hear about your grandmother. I'm sure you and your child feel your grandmothers presence everyday though. What a blessing to have your very own angel!

I agree and thats why i think you should let fate take its course. Best of luck!

And thankyou that was lovely, i know my Granma is watching, waiting to look after her great grandson.No matter how much i miss her i never want her back on this earth again to suffer the way she did.He has other Granmas but one extra special one looking after him from above x

 

[srm0421]

Tasha and SRM, those are beautiful stories. Thank your for sharing. You are all really inspiring me to let fate happen. A birth after such a tragedy is even more a miracle.

DH isn't sure of anything because he is not focusing on TTC right now, all he can think about is his father. But he did say he doesn't want to try like we were (almost scheduling DTD.) But he made sure that I would continue to not drink caffeine and take my vitamins. Basically the ball is in his court. I am not sure though if I should let him know when I am O'ing or not?

PS: SRM, I love the name Sebastian! What a great story you will be able to share with him someday. I already plan to name our first child (middle names) after my FIL. A boy: Michael, A girl: Mikeayla.

Sometimes I think the hope of a new life and one to carry one the name of a departed family member are needed to remind us that though we are hurting we need to pick ourselves up and live each day like they were with us. We miss our loved ones but would they want us to stop living because they have passed away? The answer is no, they would want us to live more and do more and enjoy life more. I understand your DHs worry but also know the joy a new life would bring to you, your DH and all the others in your life. Good luck and i hope you two figure out what the best path is for you to take.

 

[CupcakeGirl]

Just wanted to send you my support & hugs in this awful time. Cancer is just a purely evil disease. Thinking of you!

 

[trishk]

i think there is something in the m/c and loss page (the sticky ones) That says that stress is unlikely to cause m/c. There is something about 9/11 and the fact that there was so many pregnant women who lost there husbands and they all went on to have healthy babies. I do think the emotional side of things would be harder to handle as you would have hormones to deal with. I also agree with the other ladies I think it would help the family get through such a tragic loss!
I just want to say that i am so sorry that you are faced with this dilemma, You, your husband and his family are in my thoughts and prayers. Good luck with whatever you decide.

 

[lisalove]

Hi, my experience is a little bit similar to the one your describing.

We announced we were having a baby at xmas 04, by Jan 05 my mil was diagnosed with cancer. 2 Brain tumours & lung cancer. It was in her lymph nodes but they still wanted to try and beat it. We were devastated but believed it might be okay.

She didnt make it, and 13 weeks before my dd was due she died. My dh was devastated but to this day I dont think he has grieved properly. Bits a pieces come out every now and then, but he is still quite angry about it all. She was a heavy smoker and it was a direct link to her ilness.

I asked my dh if he would like to name our dd after her, he was thrilled so we called her Ellie Margaret. We keep a photo in her bedroom of her grandma too, and always talk about her. One of the strange things too is that Ellie has her grandma's eyes. Slate green. Both myself & my dh are brown eyes. My dad & fil are brown and my mums are blue... so green is defo from her.

Also out of the blue one day Ellie even told me her grandma had been to see her and she told her that she was a good girl (now that spooked me) but made me smile too.

My fil has struggled, they had just celebrated their ruby anniversary so their marriage was litrally for life. The arrival of Ellie did help, and the fact we named her after my mil made him feel sooo proud.

The stress I felt was immense, esp as we live in the Isle of Man and they are in the UK (it normally takes approx 9h to get there), to make matters worse my dh also has a bro who is disabled who also lives with my fil. We spent months travelling back and forth before during and after the ilness. My fil has been poorly too and spent weeks in hospital at the end of my pregnancy.

I was worried that all this stress would transfer onto the baby and I have never cried so hard, it didnt help that I had a bad birth experience and quite bad baby blues, however it never devolped into pnd this time round, despite the stress.

Ellie was just fine and is a very happy little lady and somehow deep down I feel we have a part of my mil always with us, in her.

I hope I have not rambled too much and it gives you a different perspective on things.

Take care

 

[MegGem]

Thanks Lisa. This is good to hear, especially now considering DH changed his mind last night again and now he doesn't even want to leave getting pregnant up to fate. He says he cannot handle it right now. I totally understand, but am so crushed from going from TTC and now to, "absolutely not ready for a baby." I can't stop crying and I have nothing to look forward to except my FIL dying, DH grieving and no baby. I know this is life, and I need to be stronger and not be so selfish. But it is hard. It's the best thing for DH and for my non-existent baby also I believe.

 

[MegGem]

I have to realize this time is not about me. I need to put me on hold for awhile.