TTC & Feeling Alone

[scheherazade]

Wow, that title sounds a little angstier than I meant it to be.

Hi, I'm new here. Hubby and I started TTC #1 after our wedding at the beginning of October. I had a slightly frustrating long cycle right after that, probably due to going off bc a few months prior. Things seem to have settled down since then, and cycles have been regular-ish the last couple of months. I'm pretty gung-ho about tracking and charting--I analyze data for my job, graphs and charts are kind of my thing. I haven't quite figured out all the acronyms and exactly how to categorize CM, but practice makes perfect, right?

Hubby, on the other hand, thinks that TTC is synonymous with NTNP. I gave up on my first attempt at charting back in November (right after the end of that very long cycle) before I even really got started because he got irritated with me over "stressing out" about it and said that it made it "not fun anymore". His family has never had any fertility problems, and he just assumes it'll happen easily. My family, on the other hand, tends toward problems; my parents were TTC for 3+ years before they had me, and my aunt never made it past the first trimester with any pregnancies. I feel like I could probably use all the edge I can get. I decided that I'm going to start charting again with my next cycle, using Fertility Friend so that I can keep it all digitally and he doesn't grumble at me every time I write it down. He has begrudgingly accepted this, but said that he doesn't want me to share any of it with him if I'm insisting on doing it. (Guess this means I'm just supposed to jump him with no explanation on fertile days...)

My mom, on the other hand, actually does stress me out about it. She has been bugging me about grandkids since we set a date for the wedding, and every time I mention anything about not feeling well to her, she immediately jumps to "IS IT MORNING SICKNESS???" as her first response. I have stopped mentioning anything about TTC to her, since it usually ends with me frustrated and in tears and her having no idea why I'm upset. We moved to a new town for my new job over the summer, and I haven't really made any friends here yet that I feel comfortable talking to... or any female friends at all, actually. Both of my closest female friends live pretty far away now, and both had "oopsie" babies about five years ago and do not plan to ever have another, so they aren't at all interested in the process... one of them even told me "I'm so glad you aren't all crazy about this stuff like [her other friend] is, she's so boring to talk to now." Basically, there's no one in my life that I feel I can talk to about TTC and the frustrations it brings without irritating them, boring them, or bringing down well-meaning maternal smothering.

...so, long story short, I did a search for trying to conceive forums, and out of the ones I browsed this is the one that I liked best. Looking forward to meeting you all, and sharing in your journeys!

 

[purplecupcake]

I know what it's like to get consumed by TTC. I always thought when my husband and I were ready, we'd NTNP, easy peasy, but when he left for deployment and I went off BC, I was bored and decided to get an app on my phone to tack my periods and fertile times, and since I was so irregular after the pill, I ordered OPKs. As soon as he came home, I was full into it, pressuring him into DTD and getting SUPER upset if he didn't want to, or if we tried but it was so pressured that he couldn't finish. IT WASN'T fun anymore. At all. To either of us. So I completely understand where your husband is coming from. So...we stopped trying. And a month later we got our BFP.

So, I guess my only advice to you would be to relax. Enjoy your husband. Take vacations. Go out and drink too much together. Make sure your love making is more than just baby making. If in a few months you still haven't gotten your BFP, perhaps you and he can reconsider actively trying. You can still track your cycles and know your fertile days, and hell, seduce him on those days without telling him why. But don't force it.

 

[Chameleon]

I feel for you. I'm in a similar situation...I'm a scientist so the more I can collect data, quantify phenomena, etc, the better I feel about it. I'm currently tracking my BBT, my cervical mucus, LH strips, saliva ferning, and I'm taking vitamins and robitussin every day...

My husband, on the other hand, gets really upset about the details of TTC and doesn't understand why I get so into it. So I just keep the charting to myself. The only thing that he sees is the BBT since my thermometer beeps every morning.

Don't feel bad about keeping track of details! At the same time, understand that the boys often don't really want to "see the sausage being made", so to speak. My advice is to keep tracking, but let him ignore the tracking as much as possible. And know you are in no way alone on this journey.

 

[scheherazade]

purplecupcake - Thanks for the advice. I did back off of it these last few months, and I have tried to never make it just about TTC--I really do think his concern is more that he thinks charting will make things more stressful, whereas I feel the opposite way. I swear, I'm usually more relaxed about it... just a bad day, today.

chameleon - That's it exactly. I'm never happier than when I'm up to my ears in data, plotting it all out and trying to find trends. He was a biology major, so I figured he'd feel the same way, but I guess it's different when it's personal! All he ever saw was the BBT... haha, maybe the beeping every morning was the problem. I think tracking online this time will help.

 

[Curligurl]

My husband was the same way when we TTC #1...even though it took 9 months to get our first BFP he was still not worried. But when that pregnancy ended in miscarriage, he was immediately on board to make sure we did everything right. Unfortunately we miscarried 2 more times. After the 3rd one we were referred to a specialist and my husband was more than happy to get tested...

Now we are TTC #2 and we remember how stressful and emotional things use to be so we decided to take it easy. I charted my BBT the first 3 cycles to get an idea of my ovulation day and LP. But this cycle (#4) I'm just using OPKs. My hubby is more anxious than I am now...he's always asking is it time to do it yet! I just want to enjoy the process this time.

Chameleon- I'm a health scientist too! I have to fight the urge to monitor my cycles through blood work. When I was TTC #1 I was testing for everything! LH, estrodial, FSH, progesterone, HCG, etc...this time I promised myself I would just use old fashion urine pregnancy tests...

 

[Chameleon]

Curligirl-Heh! It's probably good I don't have access to running my own bloodwork. I'm sure I'd be obsessively testing my levels. As it is, I did actually test my own DNA for the MTHFR mutation.

My husband (and my doctor) also seem to think that I'm working myself up into stress with all the tracking but it really is more relaxing than anything. It makes me feel like I have at least a little bit of control of the process. Since my job is basically to make biology sit down and behave, having to be at the mercy of my own biology is really frustrating otherwise!

 

[jogger123]

Hi schehe! I am here for all your craziness. Men just don't get it. It didn't help me when TTC #1 that my husbands opinion was 'well do we really need kids?'

We tried 26 cycles for her and back on the, excuse the phrase, shaggin wagon, for number 2. Just onto CD 1 on cycle 2 and I try and not cry and get depressed but I'm afraid your hormones won't let you TTC without the highs and lows of emotions. It's a cruel trick of nature.

Here's my advice:
1. Tell your mum to try and remember how it was for her. If she tried a long time she must remember. I will never forget. If she tells you she's Sure it will happen soon remind her that everyone must have said that to her. It's an unhelpful saying.

2. Forget all family history of falling quickly or slowly. I worried my whole PG about MC as it's in my mams side of the family. Thankfully it never happened and I realised my husband and I are a unique pair. We are 2 family histories joining and no one knows the outcome of that. If your mam had PCOS or some definite family trait though, that might be worth telling your doc about.

3. I afraid you will never stop charting or watching when you ovulate. Im a scientist too and even if you don't chart or do an app or take your BBT you will still know in the back of your head what's happening. Just hide it from OH!

Please feel free to vent and be crazy on here. It's perfectly normal xx

 

[NDurham12]

Hi scheherazade,

I too felt the way you felt. I think our husbands may be twins lol.

When I went through the same melt down, I didn't find this board, I used another one and the response was nothing near what I needed to feel better about the situation.

So far I've learned to Keep my mouth shut. I don't tell the DH anything. The only other thing I want to tell him is BFP. I know it sucks. Sucks for me too. In my mind we should be doing this together, it's a lot of work.

But in DH mind...his dreams, his thoughts are just one day he comes home and I'm prego. No charting, no scheduled bddays, no dr. test appts. Just here you go. Don't help that his 22 year old niece is on her 3rd kid. He has an issue with comparisons..but that's another topic.

Anywho, I do like this forum and hope that it's a heaven for you to come and talk to instead of your DH.