TTC Jokes

arpeters

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We need something to help us laugh while TTC. I have added a few jokes that I have found on the internet. I am sorry if any of them offend. Please add your own so we can give someone a smile today. :flower:


You know you're TTC when someone asks you today's date and you reply "Day 21".

BBT Lessons
Wake up at 5 a.m. and swing your arm at your bedside table until you find your basal thermometer. Stick the right end of it in your mouth, in the exact same position everyday, and try to stay awake for five minutes. As you begin to wake up, realize how badly you need to urinate and try to resist the urge without squirming too much. Mentally tell yourself, "Just relax, it'll work out" -- chances are you'll hear that a few times today. Try to read the thermometer in the dark while your spouse continues to sleep. When that fails, take it into the bathroom with you. Sit on the toilet and position yourself to either pee in a cup or on a stick. If you're really good, try to squirt a little out first. Give yourself extra points if you manage to do this routine without overfilling your cup or splashing a test window. While you wait, check your genitals for mucus. If you're lucky enough to find some, play with it! Look at it, feel it, stretch it. When you're done, pick up your scientific-looking form and chart your findings. Compute the data, and mutter to yourself, "You're probably just not trying hard enough" -- it won't be the last time you hear that today. If the calculations add up, go back into your bedroom and convince, cajole, and beg your spouse to have intercourse -- and all the while remember not "to let the spontaneity go out of your sex life." After you're done, prop your buttocks up so it's higher than the rest of your body and lay there for a half hour. Figure out exactly how you're going to stay in that position for so long and still have time to shower, dress and have breakfast before you have to leave the house at 6:15. Say aloud, "If you can't even manage to do this, how will you ever manage parenthood?" -- another comment you'll get at some point during the day. When you finally make it out the door, remind yourself that, "This is the easy part" -- you'll hear that later as well. Give yourself a pat on the back for not only completing 5 a.m. chemistry class, but for also getting yourself ready for pop quizzes in interpersonal communication!
 
You're welcome :) I wish I could find more. Hopefully someone else will know of some or just have funny things to say to add to the humor.
 
A seventy-five-year old year old man went to his doctor to get a sperm count.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the seventy-five-year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as he had received it on the previous day.

"Where's the sample?" said the Doctor.
"Well, doctor, it's like this," the man explained. "First I tried with my right hand, but that didn't work. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still no joy. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing."

"I see.." said the Doctor dubiously. "Then what did you do?"
"Well, I asked my sixteen year old neice to lend a hand, but she failed too, even when she took it between her legs and squeezed it really hard."
"Her legs!" exclaimed the doctor, appalled.

"So I went next door to Eileen, and she tried too, first with both hands, then both armpits in turn and she even tried rolling it between her knees, but still nothing.
"You asked your neighbour?" cried the shocked doctor.

"The old man replied, "Yes, but no matter what we tried we still couldn't get the bloody jar open!"
 
Found some! Long post: Al ltaken from webbies :)

Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Cause they won't stop to ask directions!

Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather then briefs?
~Yes, but you’ll have an even better chance if he doesn’t wear anything at all.

I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
~With any luck, right after he finishes high school.

Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear-end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
~Yes, your bladder.

The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
~‘Cause you’re fatter than they are.

I normally wear a size 34-C bra. Now that I’m pregnant, should I continue to wear a bra?
~Not if you don’t mind switching in the future to a size 34-Long.

What position should the baby be in during the ninth month of pregnancy?
~Head down, pressing firmly on your bladder.

My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
~Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

When is the best time to get an epidural?
~Right after you find out your pregnant.

What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
~It means that the baby’s mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.

What are the terrible twos?
~Your breasts after your baby stops nursing cold turkey.

What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
~When you see teeth marks.

What is the grasp reflex?
~The reaction of new fathers when they see a new mother’s breasts.

What is colic?
~A reminder for new parents to use birth control.

Now...what if MEN got PREGNANT!

~ Maternity leave would last for two years....with full pay.

~There would be a cure for stretch marks.

~Natural childbirth would become obsolete.

~Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem.

~All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.

~Children would be kept in the hospital until potty trained.

~Men would be eager to talk about commitment.

~They wouldn't think twins were so cute.

~Briefcases would be used as diaper bags.

~Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.

~They'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.

~Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entrees.

~Women would rule the world.
 
:rofl: just what i needed on a drab n dreary Sunday morning :)
 
:rofl: I hope we can keep finding these. I love these jokes!
 
A pregnant woman from Washington, D.C. gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! A boy and a girl. Your brother from Maryland came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "No, not my brother... he's an idiot!"

She asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise."

"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"

"Denephew. "
 
A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"

The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."
"I know, but can't you give me some idea?" she asks.

"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."
"Like this?"
"A little more..."
"Like this?"
"No. A little more..."
"Like this?"
"Yes. Does that hurt?"
"A little bit."
"Now stretch it over your head!"
 
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different!

The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant again."

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me."
 
I got this from a search on google. :)
 

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A pregnant woman from Washington, D.C. gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! A boy and a girl. Your brother from Maryland came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "No, not my brother... he's an idiot!"

She asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise."

"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"

"Denephew. "

That's hilarious my mom's name is Denise & my dad calls her denephew to make her mad sometimes.:rofl:
 
I found some! No credit to me, I'm not very funny lol.


Should I have a baby after 35?
~No, 35 children are enough.

Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
~Yes, but it’s much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.

My husband and I are very attractive. I’m sure our baby will be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this?
~Your therapist.

How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
~If it’s the flu, you’ll get better.


What is the most common pregnancy craving?
~For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex?
~Childbirth.

My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s borderline irrational.
~So what’s your question?

What’s the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
~Nothing, if the pregnant woman’s husband knows what’s good for him.


How long is the average woman in labor?
~Whatever she says, divided by two.

Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
~Not unless the word “alimony” means anything to you.

I’m modest. Once I’m in the hospital to deliver, who will see me in that delicate position?
~Authorized personnel only - doctors, nurses, orderlies, photographers, florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc.

What are night terrors?
~Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams she’s pregnant again.

Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
~When the kids are in college.

Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
~Yes, pregnancy.

When choosing a name for your baby, go to the back door and shout it out a few times.
 
I found more!

An American guy came to India. He met an annoying Bengali who asked too many questions. He asked the American whether he has son.
The American: Nope
Bengali fellow: "I am so sorry, but, is your wife is impregnable?"
The American: "Well, um, that's not exactly the word,"
Bengali Fellow: "I mean, she is inconceivable?"
The American: "Um, not quite --"
Bengali fellow said, I think she is what unbearable?"
The American fellow jumped, "Well, exactly, that's pretty much sums it up,"
 
Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician's office.
When the exam was over, she shyly began,
"My husband wants me to ask you if its still okay..."
"I know, I know." the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder,
"I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy."
"No, that's not it at all," Brenda confessed.
"He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."
 

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