TTC Jokes

[ptr]

lol That was my favorite one too. I have 5 nephews and nieces that I live with and I can completly see the change from the first to the fifth. lol.

gaaaah you live with 5!? goodness, you must have an abundance of patience LOL... i love my nieces and nephews but they drive me crazy after a while! i think its more cuz theyre not my kids so i cant really tell them what to do? does that make sense?

 

[Kays Queen]

Being a parent changes everything.

Being a parent changes everything. But being a parent also changes with each baby. Here are some of the ways having a second and third child is different from having your first.
Your Clothes
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
---------------
Preparing for the Birth
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.
---------------
The Layette
1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
---------------
Worries
1st baby: At the first sign of distress - a whimper, a frown-you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
---------------
Pacifier
1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.
---------------
Diapering
1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their diaper every 2 to 3 hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.
---------------
Activities
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, BabySwing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
---------------
Going Out
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
---------------
At Home
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
---------------
Swallowing Coins
1st child: when first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd child: when 2nd child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for coin to pass.
3rd child: when 3rd child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!

This is so true n funny!!!! I have friends who r parents and this happens everytym!!!

 

[arpeters]

lol That was my favorite one too. I have 5 nephews and nieces that I live with and I can completly see the change from the first to the fifth. lol.

gaaaah you live with 5!? goodness, you must have an abundance of patience LOL... i love my nieces and nephews but they drive me crazy after a while! i think its more cuz theyre not my kids so i cant really tell them what to do? does that make sense?

That completly makes sense! I think this is why I am having a hard time conceiving. My mind is thinking "you already have 5 kids here. you want another one?" lol. It doesn't understand that they're not mine, but my stress level thinks they are.

 

[Inkedpixie]

dear aunt flow, thank you for exclusively visiting me and not DF. I feel very special. However, I think you should work on sticking to your schedule, after all it is you who decided that frequent visits should be a key part of our relationship so let's keep them regular shall we? In addition, while I know you thrive in the company of cousins cramp, bloating and pimples, their presence makes me uncomfortable, so I would appreciate it if you would leave them at home. Please remember, your emphasis on the lack of a BFP purely by your very appearance may be punctuated by emotional outbursts on my part. Also, I understand you have a close bond with mother nature, being a 'natural process' and all, so I sincerely hope you can still sleep well at night thinking of all the drip trays and plugs and pain killer packets accumulating in landfills. *I apologize for these negative thoughts, however should you prefer to not be exposed to such mood swings and severe environmental impacts, I kindly suggest you sent Betty Fatty Pants (BFP) in your place. Kind regards, over it ttc-er.*

 

[Kays Queen]

Towards the end of the war Justin who was in the Army called home:
Justin: Mum I've been given my discharge papers.
Mum: Oh thank God! I can't wait to see you and ur wife has been waiting eagerly for your return so that you can try to concieve together!!
Justin(quietly): Mum,I can't have a baby, I have AIDS!
Mum: What????Pls dont come back to this town,my son!
Justin: But why Mum?
Mum: If u come back, den ur Wife will be infected. From ur Wife 2 ur Brother, from ur Brother 2 our maid, from our Maid 2 ur Dad, from ur Dad 2 my Sister Kate & from my Sister Kate 2 her Husband, from Kate's husband 2 me & from me 2 our Driver, from our Driver 2 Cindy ur Sister & if Cindy ur Sister gets AIDs, den d whole village will be infected!

So Justin,in d name of God, save our village!!!

 

[arpeters]

that is so funny!

 

[Kays Queen]

Two thieves broke into a bank in the middle of the night and opened a safe. All they could find were some cultured cans of yoghurt, but no money. They tasted the yoghurt and they were tainted. The men open the next safe and found more yoghurt cans too but these tasted much better but again - no money. The thieves took on another safe. And there's yoghurt again! One of them asked, "John, why don't you go outside and look if this is indeed a bank!" While he sat down to drink the yoghurt which tasted really fresh and nutritious this time. A couple of minutes later there comes John. "It is definitely a bank"! The other guy asked further, "What exactly did the sign say?" John answered slowly, "The Sperm Bank of Ohio"!

 

[arpeters]

lol eew.

 

[Kays Queen]

lol eew.

Lol! My sentiments exactly! Obviously written by a man cos whoever thinks that has never tasted it!!

 

[arpeters]

that is so true!!! hahahaha I agree. obviously written by a man!

 

[arpeters]

10 Things Not to Ask a Pregnant Woman

1. How come you're not glowing?
2. Was it an accident?
3. Did the condom break?
4. Do you know who the father is?
5. Didn't you just go to the toilet five minutes ago?
6. Should you really be eating that?
7. How much of the extra weight is the baby?
8. Wow, are you having twins?
9. Haven't you had the baby yet?
10. Have I told you my horror birth story?

 

[NDH]

it's funny but true

 

[wtt :)]

10 Things Not to Ask a Pregnant Woman

1. How come you're not glowing?
2. Was it an accident?
3. Did the condom break?
4. Do you know who the father is?
5. Didn't you just go to the toilet five minutes ago?
6. Should you really be eating that?
7. How much of the extra weight is the baby?
8. Wow, are you having twins?
9. Haven't you had the baby yet?
10. Have I told you my horror birth story?

i actually asked that one time... oh the shame!

 

[hlynn]

lol! when my friend got pregnant i knew she was seeing one guy but hanging out with the dad of her first baby so when she text me and said she was pregnant i was like "by who" i didnt mean to say it like that!

 

[arpeters]

lol that is so funny that some of you said that before. That is something that I have THOUGHT of before, but never had the courage to say. hehehe

 

[wtt :)]

lol that is so funny that some of you said that before. That is something that I have THOUGHT of before, but never had the courage to say. hehehe

i didn't *think* before i said it. I mean she had never talked about a current guy, like husband or boyfriend or anything so i was really surprised to hear her announce her pregnancy... Plus, i worked at a daycare at that time so i was surrounded by a lot of pregnant women and just couldn't keep up with their OH's names problem was the lady i asked was black to top it all off which made me sounds really really really stupid in front of another pregnant person... who didn't like me after that but oh well. i learned my lesson lol!

 

[NDH]

Here's one I just got from notalwaysright.com. Not quite TTC, but close enough.

(Some of the exams we schedule require that a patient have a full bladder at the time of the exam in order to get the appropriate images.)

Caller: “Hi, I was hoping you might have an opening for an OB ultrasound this afternoon?”

Me: “I’m sorry, the schedule is actually very full today. I could get her in tomorrow afternoon if you’d like?”

Caller: “No, that’s okay. She’s just here now with a full bladder and we didn’t want to waste it.”

 

[NDH]

Some more.

Perhaps you know why women over sixty don't have babies. They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.

A new Mom took her baby daughter to the supermarket for the first time. She dressed her in pink from head to toe. At the store, she placed her in the shopping cart and put her purchases around her.
At the checkout line a small boy and his mother were ahead of them. The child was crying and begging for some special treat. He wants some candy or gum and his mother won't let him have any, she thought.
Then she heard his mother's reply. "No!" she said, looking in her direction. "You may not have a baby sister today. That lady got the last one!"

 

[wtt :)]

omg that is terrible... lol "she got the last one"

 

[arpeters]

That's a great excuse though. "she got the last one" hahaha