TTC makes me feel like a failure...

[Moondance]

I never thought that at age 30, I would be finding it hard to conceive.
I always thought it was as easy as falling off a log.... my sister and my brothers girlfriends always made it seem that way.

I often wonder if I'm being punished by God, because I used to be a church going Christian girl and now I'm not.

I often wonder whats wrong with me that this isn't happening.

I often just hate every single part of it and wish I could go live in a cave and just be an old lady with cats.

I love my partner to death, and I want this baby, but right this instant, I am feeling so over it and hating the whole process, I just don't care anymore.

Its the old saying. You always want what you can't have. And yes, I want a baby, so guess what, I can't have one.
I know there are so many people out there who have been in a worse situation than me, like its taken longer, or they can't have kids full stop... I guess I'm just feeling a bit blah right now. I don't feel so crash hot.

It hurts too.... When I started this whole process I was 28 years old. Now I'm 30 and have been trying for 20 months.
Seven months into starting trying, a friend of mine said she and her hubby wanted to try for more kids (they already have 4 between them, 2 of hers from a previous relationship, 2 of his from a previous relationship)... so in July she had her IUD taken out, by September she was pregnant (after spending weeks bitching that it was taking SO SO LONG). And she's since had her baby, a beautiful boy. And I'm still trying.

I'm jealous, I'm hurt, I hate it.
And not too long ago, a friend of a friend was telling me she wanted to get pregnant (she's only 17), she got pregnant in the first month of trying, and then 2 months later had an argument with her boyfriend, so she went and got aborted. I wanted to smack her head in so badly.
Everytime I hear of a young person who has just gotten pregnant by accident and doesn't really want the baby, I seethe. Everytime I hear that a local drug addict has gotten pregnant again, I want to scream. Everytime I hear about people who just "accidentally" got pregnant, like they don't know how it happened, makes me want to cry.
About a month ago in class, one of my classmates announced that the reason she'd been away for 2 weeks was that she was pregnant. I wanted to put my fist through a wall, it felt so unfair.
And now every day on Facebook I see her posting comments about her pregnancy and I just want to punch a hole through my monitor.

What frustrates me more than anything is because I have weird, dodgy cycles, I don't even know when to expect periods, so I never know when to test, or not test, I never know if things my body are doing could be pregnancy, or could just be my stupid body being its usual stupid self. I just hate everything.


Sorry for the rant everybody. I just..... don't feel well.

 

[kazmo9085]

Hi hun, i know how your feeling, ive been trying for over a year now, and it does put pressure on you. Which isn't good! =( My friends are always having babies, and posting scan pics on their facebook walls etc, and it puts a downer on ya. Some people are blessed with children who dont give a crap about them, its unfair! i know people who have 6 kids, and just keeps having them. It's like she just spends her day in bed getting prego lol!

Trying for a baby can also put pressure on relationships,as we find ourselves just wanting to make love for a baby, and the partners dont find this arousing at times, which then causes arguements, i know from personal experience! =)

A family member of mine, was told she could never concieve naturally,so she chose to ignore this, after 6 years of trying, she and her partner went abroad and guess what... she fell pregant straight away!!! =) not only that, 2 years later she had another baby.

It goes to show that doctors can be wrong, and stress can damper ttc. So im currently saving for my hols for next year, hopefully it will can ease my stress, and i can have my very own baby.

ive also heard that when you give up trying, thats when you can fall pregnant, so my advice for you what be to....

Take a nice holiday, or short break (around your ovulation time)
dont stress!
think that your not trying, but not preventing!

I hope everything works out for us both, we will soon have our own bundle of joys =)

Goodluck hun

Loads of baby dust to you********

 

[taylorxx]

I'm so sorry you're feeling upset I kind of feel the same sometimes.. I'm 20 years old and have been TTC for almost 9 months (not close to 20!!). I don't seem to have a problem conceiving, it's just carrying the baby that is the problem I feel the same way, like I'm just not meant to have children. I'm young, healthy, and so is my OH.. so what is the problem? A lot of my classmates are pregnant or have children, and quite a few of them shouldn't be parents as they do nothing but pawn off their children and go out and party & sleep with random people We will get our LO's one day & it will be well worth the wait..

Are you temping or using OPKs hun? If not, that will really really help you figure out when you ovulate, especially if you're irregular. Perhaps you ovulate earlier/later than you think? How long are your cycles?

I really hope you feel better, you can always PM me if you'd like to chat xx

 

[Moondance]

For the first year I temped, but then it kind of became a moot point when it still didn't tell me when I ovulated until after the fact.
For some reason OPK's always show the same result for me, regardless of what part of my cycle I'm in. I've been checked for PCOS, and doctors say I have nothing to confirm a diagnosis of it.
Even without temping though, I know when I've ovulated because my luteal phase is 13 days, so once AF shows up, I just count back 13 days, but in the interim, it sucks not knowing when to aim for, as many cycles are just so different.
I've never had cycles that were "normal", not since getting my menses at age 11.
It was made worse after age 15 when my mother forced me onto the pill, all because my sister went and got pregnant at age 15, so mother assumed I would too (despite the fact I had NO interest in boys and only cared about horses).


At the moment too, I'm just not sure what my body is doing this cycle.
I'm 33 days in. Cycle Days 25, 26, 27, 28 and 29 I had extremely thick mucus with spotting (abnormal for me). Past few days I've been lethargic and tired, crashing out at random times of the day. My boobs just started hurting today. I have lower back pain that feels like kidney pain, still have thick thick cervical mucus, lower abdo pain, gas.... Right now I have nausea. I've been off my food for days, barely eating because anytime I eat, I feel like I'm going to be ill.

The weirdest bit (and this is probably WAAAY TMI), since my partner and I are apart at the moment, I keep alternating between being horny and not being horny. And so yesterday, I masturbated, after which my entire va-jay-jay was throbbing in the most horribly uncomfortable way. Like there was insane pressure there and it was bordering on being painful. It went away as soon as I peed. Which I don't understand.

They all sound like early pregnancy symptoms, but I just don't know anymore whats pregnancy symptoms and whats not, since so many of them are the same to "AF is coming" symptoms. I don't look for symptoms anymore because of that, but jeez, they're coming in thick and fast.
And I'm so jaded about it all, I don't even care that I could possibly be pregnant. Its just... like.... meh. Just feeling moody and out of it and I don't even care.

 

[taylorxx]

If you don't get a bfp this month (which I hope you do!), I'd give OPKs another go. Perhaps you were missing your surge or they were crappy opks? What do you mean by they always showed the same result?

Those symptoms sound pretty good, especially the weird ones that aren't normal for you. Anything out of the ordinary is a good sign! Have you tested yet? xx

 

[Coogee]

I feel exactly the same about most things you mentioned. I have heard ENDLESS stories of ppl that got pg the first time they tried. My mom was exactly like that she always got pregnant the first months trying!! Now my sister has been trying for about 2 years with no luck. My OH and I are ttc in secret so I haven't told my mom that I too sense a struggle with myself in the ttc department.
I have only ever hear of two people that got pregnant from having sex unprotected for the first time. Lets face it TTC is hard.

 

[Moondance]

For some reason, OPK's always show up as being neither positive nor not positive.
Lighter than the control line means negative. Darker than the control line means positive, or thats the basic gist of it yes?
Well.... my line is always exactly the same.
I once even, on a whim, peed on one when I was in the middle of AF.... And it showed me the same result. So.... just.... weird.

No, I haven't tested yet. Some major bills came up this pay day and I am actually in the poo this pay day as far as cash goes, so haven't had the chance to buy one. I get to spend 2 days with my sweety tomorrow, as he has a few days break from work, so yay for that. He'll probably end up buying me one.

It makes me feel more pressured too, when he talks the way he does. Like, sometimes when we're just relaxing, he will put his head on my belly and cuddle my belly and talk about how exciting it will be when our baby is growing in my belly, and the few times we've seriously thought it was going to show BFP and it was going to finally happen, one time he had his head on my stomach and he said "our baby could be growing in there" and he got all teary eyed and just started cuddling into me. So when my periods came 2 days later, I was just in near hysteria, having to tell him that it wasn't our time yet.

 

[Moondance]

Forgot to also mention that I have just finished a 10 day course of antibiotics because I somehow wound up with Bacterial Vaginosis. I had that 20 months ago when I started all of this.