U/S Tech says "Girl" - I'm crushed.

[PeppersCastle]

This is my first pregnancy and will be my only child. I've suffered enough with morning sickness, insomnia, headaches, severe depression etc etc

I just can't do this again.

I know that at 14 weeks it's not accurate. She did say "don't quote me on that" but it's all I can think of right now and I'm devastated. Truly devastated.

I don't want a daughter. I don't know why. I just know that I'll never bond with her. This makes me sound like a disgusting human being, and I am a disgusting human being for even admitting it, but I won't want to bond with her.

I've been talking to my Dad and his wife trying to find out why I can't stand the thought of having a baby girl. We've come up with a few reasons but none of them seem to have any stick with me.

I know I'm being overdramatic and there's plenty of people who would LOVE a baby girl. But I have to wait another 6 weeks to find out if I get my son or if I get a daughter. It's only been two days and I'm already jittery and anxious.

I jut feel like a stupid annoying drama queen for being sad over something I knew was a possibility anyway.

I just don't want a girl.

Thanks for reading anyway. x

 

[Oxygen7880]

I'm really sorry that your feeling so upset about possibly having a girl. Have you considered seeing your doctor and maybe getting referred for some counselling etc. It may help you to uncover why you feel so strongly against having a baby girl. I think it could help you to work through the feelings you are having and start to enjoy you pregnancy even if it does turn out to be a girl.
I have a girl and it's wonderful having a daughter but I know that won't help how you feel right now.

 

[maryanne1987]

I agree with pp that in your situation is say speaking to a doctor or midwife is the way forward. It's clearly not a case of the usual gender disappointment and sounds like this runs a lot deeper. I wouldn't leave it as the fact you admit you wouldn't want to bond with her needs addressing sooner rather than later. Doctors aren't there to pass judgement on you but will most likely refer you for some counciling to try and get to the bottom of why you feel the way you do. I really hope you do manage to come to terms with things. Just remember that no matter the sex this baby is yours, and she/he will love you unconditionally. Hope you manage to sort things soon. Good luck.

 

[PeppersCastle]

I started the ball rolling for counselling last week so I'll be getting that appointment through within the next week or two. Hopefully, if it's confirmed to be a girl, I'll feel different.

Thanks for responses

 

[kimmy04]

I'm sure you have heard this a lot but I can promise when you meet your baby you will love her. I had a boy first and I really really wanted a girl. I was really young unplanned pregnancy had no idea how to care for a baby and only grew up with sisters. I was terrified of a boy. As soon as he was born it all changed. It's not the same as someone else's boy or girl it is your baby. You will love her and bond with her even if you don't think you will!

 

[PeppersCastle]

Thanks Kimmy, I'm really hoping so.

 

[minties]

This baby is a person, they are more than just a set of genitals. They will love you with all their heart, and need you like a tree needs the sun.

How is your relationship with your own mum? I see you mentioned talking to your dad and his wife but not your own mother.

 

[PeppersCastle]

Minties - My relationship with my mother is now non-existant. She happily admits that she never loved me, wishes she'd aborted me, should've suffocated me when I was a baby. She was physically and mentally abusive. I'm not exactly full of confidence so when she told me I'd be a useless parent and my child would hate me for it... I believed her.


I'm hoping when I get to my counselling appointment I can talk this through with the counsellor and get a solution. I know, if it's a girl, I would love my daughter. I know I can't associate what happened to me with my daughter so that'll be something I ask my counsellor/therapist to help me with above all else.

Thanks for responses.

 

[lau86]

Huge from what you've said this is about much more than your babies gender. I think the counselling will really help. You will love your girly and she will love you. Don't worry x

 

[pompeyvix]

Minties - My relationship with my mother is now non-existant. She happily admits that she never loved me, wishes she'd aborted me, should've suffocated me when I was a baby. She was physically and mentally abusive. I'm not exactly full of confidence so when she told me I'd be a useless parent and my child would hate me for it... I believed her.


I'm hoping when I get to my counselling appointment I can talk this through with the counsellor and get a solution. I know, if it's a girl, I would love my daughter. I know I can't associate what happened to me with my daughter so that'll be something I ask my counsellor/therapist to help me with above all else.

Thanks for responses.

That is so awful, no wonder you are feeling how you are I am so sorry you had a mother like that

I don't have the best relationship with my mum (nothing like how you described) but I am now enjoying the relationship with my own daughter in a way I never did and never will with my mum. I am so incredibly close to my girl and I love her in ways I never thought possible. I want to bring her up differently to how I was and I just adore life with her. I had slight gender disappointment when I found out the next one is going to be a boy, as I wanted another girl for both me and my daughter who wanted a sister.

I think counselling is vital for you to understand and come to terms with your feelings before she is born.

 

[PeppersCastle]

Hi everyone,

I want to first say thank you for the responses. I'm really glad there's a place for me to talk about things like this without being judged. I think it's really helping me and getting opinions and reading other peoples struggles is only raising my confidence in the fact that I'm not alone and my own issues are something I can fix and work on/through.

I am still slightly disappointed the baby may be a girl but it's not as bad as when I initially found out. I think my relationship with my mother, her hatred of me, and the upbringing I had because of it will be a constant cause of anxiety for me, especially when it comes to my own child. I'm scared of failing. My mother has been thrown out of my life, for the safety of my baby, and I have no intention of allowing her near any of us. Not my child, not me, not even my dog. She's been made aware that any attempt to contact us will be recorded and forwarded to the police. I do NOT want her near my baby.

Although slightly disappointed, there is a chance the anatomy scan will show us a boy, but in fairness I just want a healthy baby. Really I don't care too much about what gender it is, it's not going to be treated any differently regardless if it's a boy or a girl, I just want a healthy happy baby. I've been writing down a lot of my own thoughts/anxieties/fears in preparation for counselling and I should get the appt through very soon.

Again, thanks for replies and the hugs and stuff. I'm extremely grateful, and I hope everyone is doing good x

 

[2nd time]

I just read through your thread what an amazing strong and insiteful woman you are. You are not a bad human for feeling like this your an honest amazing person for speaking about it and seeking help. After a traumatic childhood pregnancy is bound to bring questions and worries for you. And to be addressing things early your in the best place for a happy future.

 

[pompeyvix]

I know it's easy for me to say as I am not in your position, but try and see this as opportunity to break the unhealthy cycle you had with your mum, with your daughter (if baby ends up a she). Just because you have been emotionally and physcially abused, it can end there. You can ensure you have a healthy, positive relationship with your daughter growing up, creating your own special traditions and bonding in a way you never could with your mum

 

[PeppersCastle]

Thank you both

If I end up having a daughter, the full intention is to break the cycle, she'll be extremely loved. Only four weeks til I find out! xx

 

[laura11111]

This thread made me tear up. It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and are well on your way to sorting things out. You're going to be a great mom to a son or daughter

 

[PeppersCastle]

Thank you so much

 

[cnsweeney]

I just wanted to say that with my first I prayed for a boy . I also did not want a girl at all. Granted , I didn't feel like I could never bond with her and I agree with the others that counseling would make you feel so much better and sort this out I'm sure .. but I also have a bad relationship with my mother so maybe that's why some of us have a hard time thinking about life with a daughter .. but i just knew I was carrying a girl . I was only 18 and maybe that's another reason it was hard to think of raising a daughter . Girls in my head would be much harder to raise up than boys .. I guess I didn't feel I could fill the role like I should . But let me just tell you .. when they said ITS A GIRL.. all of these feelings went away . Shopping helps . Buying her clothes and toys . Giving her a name . It all helps and I immediately became thrilled . 7 years later life is better than I could have ever imagined and she has a beautiful little sister now and while we do still plan to try for a boy , it's only to try to balance out the hormones in this house ! Haha good luck to you dear .

 

[DobbyForever]

I agree that counseling would be beneficial. You are not your mother. This is your chance to do right by your daughter. It may feel awkward at first, it might hurt seeing yourself bond with her when your mom didn't bond with you, but you will love her. I'm so sorry again for what your mother put you through. You did not deserve that. My mom is my best friend, and I am sure your daughter will love you and look up to you. But I do think the disappointment comes from your experience with your mom and until you sort through those emotions you won't be able to enjoy your pregnancy. Biggest biggest hugs

 

[DobbyForever]

Just saw that you are feeling better. Hopefully once you start nesting and doing all the pre birth stuff, you'll feel even more connected

 

[PeppersCastle]

Thank you everyone! Counselling starts properly on the 26th of October and the week after we should be finding out the gender - I'm feeling infinitely better about the possibility although I still have bad moments - I'm definitely NOT my mother and will do my best should my baby be a girl or a boy, they will be loved and they will not be growing up anything close to how myself and my siblings did - thank you everyone for your kind words and, again, I really appreciate just how non-judgemental people are on this forum. It really helped to have a place to verbally cry about this and I really think having the opinion, truth-bombs, and support of others helped get me on the right track.

Again, thank you so much!