Ugh baby daddy drama :(

[bunnyblonde]

my whole situation is really strange and not necessarily ideal at all, i told the father yesterday that i was pregnant and he took it very well considering everything. he told me i wasn't alone in this. i just got off the phone with him today, and one of the first things i asked was how involved he wants to be and he told me after thinking about it he decided he can't be 50% in, its either all or nothing, and he can't give up the life he's worked so hard for, this that and the other thing. I actually had a list of things in front of me to ask him, and him saying that made most of the list obsolete, he said he doesn't even want updates. after he said all of that i said ok well around month 3 or 4 we should come up with an agreement as far as money goes, and he freaked out, he actually said i was "shaking him down". trust me i was far from shaking him down, if i were shaking him down theres a lot of things i could've threatened. he told me i wasn't thinking to the future. i feel like thats exactly what I'm thinking about, if we came up with an agreement now it would actually protect him, and its not like he doesn't know I'm pregnant. i would have every right to get child support if i wanted to, but thats not what I'm going to do, its not what i want to do anyway. it was actually pretty disgusting, he mentioned that he has advisors and he's not the one to mess with. I'm just so frustrated, he decided he wants no part in his childs life, but he's also saying he basically doesn't care wether or not his childs needs are cared for. he's calling me again tomorrow so who knows he could change how he feels, but he went from telling me I'm not alone to telling me he doesn't even care if i can buy diapers. he keeps telling me its my choice, but he's the one that made the choice

 

[babydustcass]

Sounds like he's been talking to people and they've planted some seeds of doubt. It's only natural for him to be scared, it's not the right thing to do at all. Frankly, He sounds like a pathetic little boy and I can't imagine how upsetting that must be for you after hearing he would be there to support you. I can only suggest give it some time, I know its not going away but it could be too soon for him to even think about the money side, perhaps he needs time too, to work through his emotions. For him it may not be so black and white, rightly or wrongly.
I think, as we aren't detached from it is easier to start putting things in place plans wise. We experience the pregnancy and have no choice but to make important decisions and ultimately the most changes.
Personally I don't know what I would do, I would be concerned for my child to have anything to do with a guy i had to force to be a part of my child's life. You're going to be bringing a child into the world so need to put in measures to ensure you can provide all you need to, with or without his help.
Best of luck with everything

 

[bcos21]

Sounds like something that won't be resolved between you guys. I'd have exchanges through email so it's documented and then talk to a lawyer. You will likely need to go through legal channels to ensure your child is taken care of. You didn't make this child alone.

 

[bunnyblonde]

its more that he's afraid certain people will find out. and he's trying to play both sides, one of the first things i said i was that i haven't been sleeping well and he was telling me to rest and take it easy and that my health is a priority but then he's also saying that he wants no part in it. i just sent him a few angry text messages, and i don't regret it, i told him i can already feel things happening in my body so i can't ignore it like he can and a few other things. its too early to start talking about money but its not to early to start thinking about it, i think around month 3 or 4 it would be best if we came to some kind of agreement and he freaked out, its like he thinks I'm asking for thousands of dollars a month, I'm just trying to be realistic and think ahead ad i really like to make lists and plan things out

 

[bunnyblonde]

id rather not go through legal channels if possible, id like to keep my privacy in all of this. he told me he previously had a stalker, and all it takes is one crazy person to find out and then have them start harassing me or putting little one in danger

 

[hotpinklily84]

I'd file for child support once the baby is born if he doesn't get his act together while you are pregnant...my ex didn't get his act together and so I had no choice but to file. Glad I did now he is forced for his responsibility of providing for his Kids. You will be doing your part and he should do his.

 

[bcos21]

Yeah if there's some "crazy" people all the more reasons to go through legal channels and if it becomes an issue then get a restraining order against anyone who harasses you. It sounds like he's just trying to protect himself, and depending on who he's telling the story to maybe he's painting you as one of the "crazy" people too, you just never know. It might be hard for you to hear because you have emotions toward him but he gave up the right to not have anything to do with this Pregnancy /child when he got you pregnant and your first responsibility is to your child and yourself. I hope you still get the chance to enjoy your pregnancy despite all of this.

 

[bunnyblonde]

as of right now he's not telling anyone. i just don't want to go through legal channels because it may bring attention to the situation

 

[Qmama79]

Hi, try to keep calm & let him deal with the news too. If you can come to an agreement, great! If not, file fr support once baby is born. I hope you can work something out for the child's sake & yourselves. You're tied in an important way now & are going to be fr a long time. Don't let these early conversations determine the next 2 decades!

 

[Olivia2]

Look at all your options and what you want for you and your child.

I was in a similar position years ago in the fact my ex left us when our daughter was 1yr old. I waiting 18months before asking for money simply because I needed it for her medical expenses (I only asked for $20). From that moment everything changed and ex turned into an absolute nightmare. I didn't ask again although did call child support so the money owed started building up.

After many threats of things he would do if I didn't drop the child support I eventually received 7years worth at once. He had not put in his tax returns, worked for cash in hand and changed jobs when child support did catch up with him. How I got the money in the end was because the taxation department got onto him for him not doing his tax.

My daughter was abused terribly from him and we received numerous death threats. She is 14 now and he has been made exempt from paying child support due to violence. He did not want a relationship with his daughter and was going to stop at nothing to get out of paying me a cent. He also happily made her life as miserable as possible. My daughter now has nothing to do with him. This was not her choice it was because of the verbal and sexual abuse that she didn't have a choice.

So from my point of view if I knew what I knew now I wouldn't have chased any money and in return he would have stayed out of her life. Obviously this is not usually ideal because every loving parent wants their child to have a loving relationship with both parents but when your in a situation like I was and the father (or mother) simply doesn't care sometimes them not having a relationship with the child is actually a positive thing.

I am not advocating for getting nothing but just putting it out there that it may be another option and if his going to give you or your child grief and not be a positive part of your lives then maybe your best to not make too much effort wanting to foster a relationship with him or ask for financial support (which I know your entitled too and most likely need when your on your own). From people I speak too often its the child support that brings the worse out in them and why they may push for more custody as they don't have to pay as much if anything at all.

 

[Qmama79]

Olivia2: What a terrible story. I hope you have some more support now & that your daughter recovers well. All the best x

 

[medic76097]

Horrible. How far along are you??

 

[ThiaC]

This is just an idea...

Have you talked with his mum, or got your parents and his parents involved? Often they have more perspective and understand the importance of children, also can encourage your child's father to help out more.

I hope it turns out, and if he won't be supportive, you can find supportive relatives and friends.

 

[bunnyblonde]

No it's a really weird situation. I barely know him

 

[KimmieHawkins]

Put his sorry ass on child support and keep it moving. I went through this with my ex-husband. If baby daddy is already acting a fool it'll only get worse when you ask him for the child needs. My ex-husband would only give me money when he wasn't mad at me. only person that suffers is your child.

even if you come to a set amount get it done through the court so it's regulated. IDC if you don't "need" the money...use the child support to save for your child's college or to use for sports/activities/vacation. But don't let him get away with not providing for a child he help created just to prove a point.

 

[hellojello25]

Give him some time. Both my BF and I freaked out a bit when we found out I was pregnant. Granted, he didn't say he didn't want to be a part of the baby's life, but he did freak a little. He's great now, very loving and caring and has been at every prenatal appointment thus far.

But, if the dude doesn't want to be a part of his kid's life, then he doesn't have to be. He can just be a check in the mail every month. And you definitely need to go to court and work out a child support agreement. I'm not saying try to get all his money, but he needs to help support his child. It takes two to make a kid. He shouldn't be able to bug out entirely and leave you to take care of the baby all by yourself. Even if you have the financial means, it's more of a principle too. Good luck girl and I hope he comes around!!

 

[bunnyblonde]

I really just don't want to go through the courts. Last time we spoke he seemed to be kinda warming up to things. It's still really early. I think once it's been 3 or 4 months it'll be more real and he'll straighten up. He's an actor. He's not "famous" but he's been on a lot of TV shows and he does get recognized sometimes. He has previously had a stalker so I really don't want to go through the courts for the safety and privacy of me and my child. All it takes is one jealous "fan girl" and I'm getting harassed on Facebook or my child is getting threatened

 

[KimmieHawkins]

if it makes you feel better....I'm not sure if you're in the US or UK but here in the US all court documents are private. I have to fax a copy of my ID and write a brief statement so they will talk to me via phone about my child support. So unless you tell or he does they wouldn't know about your order and the father etc

 

[bunnyblonde]

Oh thanks. I genuinely didn't know that. There's still a small risk and he does have financial advisors, but it's not like anyone would make money selling a story about him so that actually puts me at ease. I'd still rather try to keep things cordial and it is still early but at least now I know it'll be private

 

[KimmieHawkins]

Good Luck, hun! hopefully it was just the shock of everything....even if it wasn't if you all can come to an agreement without the courts that would benefit the baby that would be perfect!!! I hope all works out smoothly!