Unmarried but happy... support?

[BadMamaJAMA]

Hello, all! I got my BFP yesterday and I'm bewildered, excited, in love, scared, and every emotion in between.

My SO and I have been together 9 months. Both of us got divorced in 2012. We're extremely happy, and I have every intention of being with him forever. He bought me a diamond ring a few months in and tried to propose, but we decided to wait to let our families (mine specifically) catch up to our breakneck pace.

...And now we're pregnant. I guess I'm looking more for support rather than advice, but both are welcome. I'm going to tell my family most likely when I go visit them in August. My hunch is, once they see a sonogram, they won't have any choice to be excited.

After all, I'm 28, have a good job, an incredibly supportive partner, and stable prospects for the future. I just happen to be unmarried.

...So why do I feel like I'm about to have major rain on my parade when I spill the beans about my little bean? Anyone else have a similar experience?

 

[little_cookie]

If your happy your happy. Its YOUR life and YOU are an adult. Don't let your family rule your life. If they aren't happy about it- there problem. Not yours.

 

[vtjess423]

I was in a similar situation to you when I got pregnant with my son. My SO (now DH) and I had only been together for about 4 months when we got pregnant the first time (sadly it ended in m/c) but I was terrified to tell my parents. We had been discussing marriage since pretty much about a month after we met. I was 29 (almost 30) and had a great job and I knew I could take care of us but I was very worried about what my parents would say. But then one day my mom and I were out to dinner and she started asking about birth control and being careful so at that point I had to tell her. She ended up being completely supportive and was excited to add another grandchild. And my dad was even more excited and didn't have one bad thing to say. After my m/c it was great to have my families support, and then we ended up getting pregnant again 2 months later and I ended up with my handsome son. My family was thrilled for us. We actually didn't get married until this past January as we wanted to wait and not get married just because of the baby (even though we knew we would eventually anyway). Now we are pregnant with #2 and very happy!!

So hopefully when you tell your family will be completely supportive like mine was. If you are both happy and know you can take care of each other, I know things will work out for you. And even if they aren't completely supportive at first, I'm sure once they see that beautiful baby and how happy the three of you are together, I'm sure they'll come around.

 

[Toms Mummy]

MY OH and I are not married but have been together for 9 years, we own a house together and have 1 child with another on the way. As far as I'm concerned that is more of a commitment than a marriage certificate!

Saying that, now we have children we will get married eventually purely for financial/security reasons

 

[babybloo]

My OH and I are not married and although we plan on marrying eventually we have no intentions on marrying before baby arrives. We have been together for four years now. We decided to buy a house together with the intention to start a family right away once we had it. That was just over a year ago now. I remember that even after being together for three years at that point people were surprised and taken back that we planned the house and family before marriage. It's so old fashioned to need a piece of paper isn't it?

I think if you're secure and happy in the journey your lives are taking together, it doesn't matter what others think. Congrats on baby!

 

[babyhopes2010]

i dont think its about being married or not but 9months relationship is very new and we all know babys put a huge strain on any relationship.

but is ur life. i knew with dh altho we didnt conceive until married for 1 1/2 and together 3 yrs. but i knew he was the one

if i had fallen pregnant that quick out of wedlock our familys would have gone crazy
maybe wait until ur first scan and then talk to one family memeber that would be more understanding.
u are 29 so its not like ur some silly teen that just wants a baby for the sake of it x

 

[Midnight_Fairy]

I fell pregnant with my daughter when me and my oh had only been together 2mths. We are still together 8yrs later xx

 

[Astronaut]

I'm definitely not pointing anyone in particular out for this, but at least one of the above posts doesn't seem the slightest bit supportive. She doesn't want to hear about how her baby is going to be "born out of wedlock" - which I find incredibly offensive considering I myself was "born out of wedlock." Since when is marriage a prerequisite for having a baby? And seeing as how many people on this forum have a similar story of "I was only with my partner for x months before we conceived," how is acting like this constructive?

I have a seven year old daughter and I'm 27. Let's do the math on that. Her mother and I got married, foolishly, at a very young age and it was the largest waste of 5+ years I've ever experienced. We weren't even together for 2 months before we found out she was pregnant, so relatively speaking, 9 months seems quite a stretch more to me. Do I find myself going severely against the grain in these instances? Sure.. but I think the grain is based off of ridiculous morals and values that don't apply anymore and shouldn't even be relevant anymore.

BadMamaJAMA - you know how I feel about this, and you've even said it yourself. Whoever decides to accept this will accept it, and whoever doesn't will be missing out. Anyone who criticizes us isn't worth our time, and anyone who decides to make you feel bad because you didn't "do it right" is severely misinformed and obviously doesn't have any interest in your comfort. If you want to share stories with other people to find comfort in shared experiences, I see no problem with that - as long as you're aware that there is always going to be a naysayer.

Our life is our life, and no amount of hypocrisy or terrible holier-than-thou attitudes is going to change that. I'm very excited to meet our Peanut, and I know you are too. Nothing else matters.

 

[BadMamaJAMA]

Thanks, honey, for having my back.

Clearly it's a sensitive issue. For the record, folks, we didn't get pregnant on purpose... but we're THRILLED. We weren't even going to consider the alternative for the sake of "doing it right."

We're writing a little book for Peanut about this journey. When Peanut is old enough to know what "out of wedlock" means, he or she will have that as evidence for how much Mommy and Daddy love him or her... and how much we love each other.

 

[Alexas Mommy]

Oh goodness!!

I don't know where you guys live, but where I live it is more common to be unmarried and have kids! I wasn't married when I had my 5 year old, we were engaged to be, and had been together for 8 years give or take. I left him. I get along with him great and would consider him a friend, however after baby came I grew up and he didn't. I was 20 at the time. You are grown adults not naive kids! (that said, if the same situation happened to a 18, 19, 20 year old, I have no judgement-as I said I was 20 when Lex was born!) But back to you two- unmarried? not a big deal, and I don't understand why it's a big deal to some people! My OH and I have only been together just under one-&-a-half years and I'm pregnant- unplanned as well. We have no intentions of getting married for 9-10 years (read- when we have money tucked away!)

I told my father tonight (well my foster father who I consider my father) and I was disappointed that he was upset and a bit concerned, but I tol him that I'm 25, Chris and I are happy together, he treats lex as his own and that is all that matters! SOO try not to worry- it's your life and as mad as they might be at first (for whatever reason) they will eventually come around!!

Good luck!

 

[amberjoy]

Well first off congrat!

I am 11 weeks and unmarried as well. We told my family at 9 weeks and they were vary supportive of us and our decision to not marry until the baby is born. Of course my parents would like us to be married but they are understanding. We have not told his family yet and we know they are not going to be as supportive but we are ready to deal with it.

You just have to do what makes you happy. Your growing a human inside of you, so you don't need to worry about what other people think

Good luck!

 

[minties]

Marriage doesn't even enter my brain. It's just a religious ceremony that I know nothing about, like a christening. I don't see what it has to do with having babies.

 

[Midnight_Fairy]

Im not married and no plans too xx

 

[BadMamaJAMA]

Thanks, all!! So glad to hear so many unmarried parents have made it work and found happiness! I feel so much less alone.

I'm probably going to tell the family in August, when I go down to visit. I know that my mom will be thrilled - she LOVES babies. I'm pretty sure my brothers, father, and stepfather will all be concerned. I got divorced a year and a half ago, so they want me to be single and live like I'm in the cast of Sex and the City or something.

The only other thing is that I'm from the South. My parents' friends will probably be judgmental...might not want to come to my baby shower, etc... oh well. Their loss.

But I'm happy! And hopefully they'll catch up to where I am and see that. OH's family will be thrilled as well.. they ADORE his daughter and would welcome another.

 

[Toms Mummy]

I'm definitely not pointing anyone in particular out for this, but at least one of the above posts doesn't seem the slightest bit supportive. She doesn't want to hear about how her baby is going to be "born out of wedlock" - which I find incredibly offensive considering I myself was "born out of wedlock." Since when is marriage a prerequisite for having a baby? And seeing as how many people on this forum have a similar story of "I was only with my partner for x months before we conceived," how is acting like this constructive?

I have a seven year old daughter and I'm 27. Let's do the math on that. Her mother and I got married, foolishly, at a very young age and it was the largest waste of 5+ years I've ever experienced. We weren't even together for 2 months before we found out she was pregnant, so relatively speaking, 9 months seems quite a stretch more to me. Do I find myself going severely against the grain in these instances? Sure.. but I think the grain is based off of ridiculous morals and values that don't apply anymore and shouldn't even be relevant anymore.

BadMamaJAMA - you know how I feel about this, and you've even said it yourself. Whoever decides to accept this will accept it, and whoever doesn't will be missing out. Anyone who criticizes us isn't worth our time, and anyone who decides to make you feel bad because you didn't "do it right" is severely misinformed and obviously doesn't have any interest in your comfort. If you want to share stories with other people to find comfort in shared experiences, I see no problem with that - as long as you're aware that there is always going to be a naysayer.

Our life is our life, and no amount of hypocrisy or terrible holier-than-thou attitudes is going to change that. I'm very excited to meet our Peanut, and I know you are too. Nothing else matters.

I was really surprised by this reply! It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out who you were aiming your post at.... from that post all I saw was support and advice. Yes becoming pregnant within 9 months of starting a relationship is going to be much much harder than if you've been together for years regardless of whether you're married. It sounded like the poster was just giving some sensible caring advice.

As for the comment from the poster about falling pregnant soon out of wedlock, it did not sound like she was against people having children out of wedlock, just that people generally are together for longer than 9 months before either getting married or having children, or buying a house for that matter. So the family may be a bit shocked at 1st, I'm sure the family would be just as shocked if they announced that they were buyiong a house together or getting married after just 9 months together, whether there was a baby involved or not.

 

[BadMamaJAMA]

Thanks, Toms Mummy!

My OH (the person who posted the reply) is very sensitive about this issue, as you can see. He's a great dad, and he runs up against judgment from people all the time who don't believe young or unmarried parents can do as good a job. So, what might not come across as judgmental to those who are married or had kids in their 30s sounds a bit different to those who have a different experience.

I understand the reasons my family and others might be judgmental. What I was looking for in the original post was support, and tales from experience from other unmarried moms. Not that I'm not open to dissenting points of view. It's just, at this point, baby's coming whether I'm married or have been with my OH for long or not.

 

[Astronaut]

I was really surprised by this reply! It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out who you were aiming your post at.... from that post all I saw was support and advice. Yes becoming pregnant within 9 months of starting a relationship is going to be much much harder than if you've been together for years regardless of whether you're married. It sounded like the poster was just giving some sensible caring advice.

As for the comment from the poster about falling pregnant soon out of wedlock, it did not sound like she was against people having children out of wedlock, just that people generally are together for longer than 9 months before either getting married or having children, or buying a house for that matter. So the family may be a bit shocked at 1st, I'm sure the family would be just as shocked if they announced that they were buyiong a house together or getting married after just 9 months together, whether there was a baby involved or not.

While I respect your opinion, I beg to differ. It came across as judgmental, and it's my right to feel that way. I don't accept your blanket statement:

Yes becoming pregnant within 9 months of starting a relationship is going to be much much harder than if you've been together for years regardless of whether you're married.

While that may be what everyone wants you to believe or what the status quo says, I don't run on that wavelength. I was only with my first wife for a brief period before she got pregnant. Was it easy? No. Did it contribute to the downfall of our relationship? No. The pregnancy, while stressful, had nothing to do with the dissolution of that relationship. I don't really care if the original poster, or anyone else for that matter, thinks that being together for nine months is an unacceptable amount of time to be together before having a baby - or buying a house. I guess I just move too fast for everyone else, and I'm not going to let BadMamaJAMA feel like people are telling her she did things wrong because that isn't how people do things.

Like I said - I respect your opinion, but assuming that everyone agrees with it or that it is widely accepted would be false. Furthermore, how was that person being supportive when the post centered around why it was too early or why it was generally not what people expected?

And on top of that - why is 9 months more complicated than several years? Because that's what most people do, or what everyone else recommends? That's a bit unfair, isn't it?

 

[Astronaut]

Sorry if I'm coming off as rude, everyone. I'm just particularly sensitive when it comes to feeling like I'm being persecuted because something wasn't done in the way it was expected. Hardly anything family related in my life falls under that category.

 

[allforthegirl]

My partner and I have been together for over 5 yrs have a 3yr old, and have three others from a previous marriage. At the moment there isn't any plans for us to get married. With that being said I don't plan on leaving him and same with him. So I am confident in our relationship. We both have been there, and we are no spring chickens either. We decided that we would like to add to our family, but I know that my mother is going to have a bird as soon as she finds out that we are expecting again. She doesn't think that we can "afford" it. I don't think it is any of her business whether we do or don't. She just going to have to get used to it fast cause this baby is going to come whether she likes it or not!! For that reason we aren't telling family for a long time!!

 

[LittleJ13]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years and while neither of our families have a problem with our relationship and they know we will get married at some point and spend our lives together they do have a slight problem about us being so young and pregnant. However I have just graduated with a good degree and I have a job while my boyfriend has a really good job with a nice salary. Sometimes life doesn't go in the stereotypical order but that's fine. As long as you are happy with how you are living your life then all is good! We are mature people so our families just have to be supportive of our decisions.