Very Discouraged and Lost

[neuros]

DH and I have been trying for > 2 years with various "mishaps" in between e.g. pap smear scare (I stopped for 6 months to take the cervical cancer vaccine jab), laparoscopy to remove ovarian cysts/fibroids/polyps. I've been to see TCM, fertility specialist and even recently started acupuncture - something I never thought I'd dare try.

Am on 3rd round of clomid 150g, just went for CD12 scan yesterday. eggs are there but not growing so seems like clomid is not working for me. I've to go back for blood test in Feb to check my progesterone level whether I ovulated afterall but doc did say it's small chance. He said I can either go to 200g clomid after that or take a rest and go the acupuncture way (I was mixing and he said that makes it difficult to tell what's not working) or start injections.

I feel so down after every visit to the gynae. Especially when I see so many pregnant ladies at the clinic. I just don't understand why it's so difficult for me. I've coming to 35 next year and just want so much for it to happen before that. I'm tired and frustrated. Feel like giving up. But I'm not ready for ivf or adoption. Don't know what to do. I know everyone said shouldn't be stressed and that the more you want it the less likely it'll come. But it's just so so so difficult... I get so stressed at not being stressed it's not funny.

Sorry if I've just made you read another typical long whiney ttc story. I just need a place to vent. DH seems more relaxed than me about it and I don't know whether he's really as ok or he just don't want me to fret. I don't want to make him feel bad either. But I feel so guilty for not being able to give me kids - he loves and wants kids very much, that I know. aaaaarrrrrrrrrrrgggghhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[purechaos109]

Hun... I'm sorry things are so rough right now!! I don't have any advice! I just wanted to let you know that we are here for you!!

 

[Robyn321]

Everyone needs to vent so don't worry about the neuros! Don't feel too down...even if clomid hasn't worked for you that's only the first port of call - there are lots of other things you can try before ivf/adoption. I've had 4 rounds of clomid without success (for some reason I don't seem to be responding to it) so am starting injections tomorrow.

It's hard seeing pregnant women everywhere, and sometimes I think I should have just ditched the career and had kids in my early twenties like some people I know.....maybe it would have just happened then?? But now I'm settled and ready and mother nature just doesn't seem to want to give me a baby...I don't understand why. But then I figure when I do get pregnant none of this will matter....

 

[FutureMommie]

Neuros I totally know how you feel but don't apologize for it, we are here for you to vent, we are either going thru it or have been thru it already

[B]It's hard seeing pregnant women everywhere, and sometimes I think I should have just ditched the career and had kids in my early twenties like some people I know.....maybe it would have just happened then?? But now I'm settled and ready and mother nature just doesn't seem to want to give me a baby...I don't understand why. But then I figure when I do get pregnant none of this will matter.... [/B]

Robyn- I totall agree with your comment, you think you are doing the right thing by getting your career going, and waiting until your are financially ready and then nothing, It really really sucks!

 

[Tarkwa]

Hey neuros, we're all (unfortunately) in the same boat. My first post was exactly like yours , just a week ago - feeling lonely, frustrated, stressed, tired, fed up and so many other negative feelings . Since coming on here I've had my rants which has helped (I love to talk and everyone here listens) and everyone is so supportive. I mainly post on Bellys to Bumps (see my signature for link) as I've got a BMI of 31.6 (though it has come down from just under 38). I've had 'mishaps' along the way too (Bell's Palsy treated with steroids just after starting TTC and then an op to remove a kidney stone). Apparently(!) kidney stone pain is meant to be worse than child-birth - hoorah!

I hate seeing other pregnant women too, even though at the same time I'm happy for them or what?! What annoys me is hearing about all these accidental pregnancies, especially when they are so young. And I watch programs like One Born Every Minute or 16 & Pregnant - I just can't help inflicting pain on myself!

I too am on clomid, but only 50mg (took the last pill of my second round today). My progesterone levels were 95 which the doctors surgery said indicated I ovulated last cycle, but still a for me - how depressing. I'm hoping that this cycle is much better and that clomid is good for me.

I'm coming up to 32 in summer and feel like time is slipping away, but I believe the best things come to those who wait. It's fate.

We're all here for you chick, so chin up and enjoy this new journey with us ladies on here
xxx

 

[imogenwanted]

just wanted to send you huge hug xxxxx

 

[neuros]

thanks ladies. it's so great to have such support here.

robyn - i know what you mean. sometimes i wish i don't have to see / hear about all those friends / colleagues who just got pregnant / gave birth. 'cos though i'm happy for them i can't help feeling why it's so difficult for me, especially when some of them seems to do it so easily, one after another. but then i'd feel super bad and guilty afterwards for being such a sourpuss.

tarkwa - my bmi used to be above 25 too. after exercising for the last 4 months i've gotten it to slightly below 25. for an asian though, i need to get it below 23 - difficult, but still must try. though don't seem to be having much effect on the ttc front thus far (obviously). my hormones are totally screwed - every hormone test comes back unsatisfactory, whether HSG or estrogen or progesterone. it's so so so discouraging. i'm not surprised with negative results anymore.

a bit of a silly qn. i see lots of acronyms here, some I can guess at, some i've no idea. e.g. what's BFN???

 

[zubijee]

hi neuros .

i can feel your pain .im in the same boat . trying for baby #1 from2006 .im facing primary infertility .every thing is loking ok . but nothing is ok .in my family every one has kids of all ages .they talk about kids .and you ladies know how dificult it is

 

[zubijee]

bfn means not pregnant ._ve pregnancy test

 

[neuros]

zubilee - yes. i'm surrounded by couples with kids too, both family and friends. almost all my friends are married with kids. both sisters-in-law have 2 kids each. chinese new year is coming. i can just foresee all the relatives digging up the same topic again. they were at it last year already. this year might be worse. sigh...

 

[zubijee]

neoros how old are you?im 35

 

[Robyn321]

neuros - i know what you mean about chinese new year...we're heading to the in-laws for cny and it's going to be a nightmare, my mil is desperate for a grandchild!

 

[neuros]

zubilee - i'm 34 this year. that's why i'm all the more desperate to succeed this year...

robyn - you're chinese too then! where're you located? i'm in singapore. my mil never say but i think she's concerned too cos she advised me to go for a hottub after a false alarm...

 

[zubijee]

neuros i can feel what u r feeling right now.
don,t worry there must be a good time for all of us too. did u try injectable? i tried injectable but i never try clomid this time im thinking to give a chance to clomid may be that work for me.
i,ll remember you all who are trying to conceive in my prayers please God help us all

 

[neuros]

zubilee - no, not tried injections. doc says that's next step if don't want to increase dosage of clomid. but if go down that route must be prepared for possible ivf as the injections could trigger too much follicles. sounds scary.

i tot the doctors will always try clomid before injections? kinda weird that you go the injectibles route before clomid, no?

 

[zubijee]

i thing there is no issue with me ovulation related i ovulate every month without medication producing one mature follicle .may be thats why she put me direct on injectable. tubes are open producing eggs ovulating on time no bodies knows what is reason behind all this .only God knows .but this moth i,ll go for clomid 50 mg lets see

 

[Robyn321]

hey neuros - i'm in hong kong, my dh is chinese but i'm actually from the uk...so i'm sort of 'honorary chinese'!

i'm on injections this month so can let you know how they go - so far they seem to be ok and i managed to inject myself this morning!! follicle scan on monday....

 

[zubijee]

hi robyn good luck to u for this cycle bfp.

 

[neuros]

robyn - yes pls! do update me on how the injections go. i'm very scared of going down that route myself so be good to find out more beforehand! here's wishing you all the best this round and get a BFP!

 

[Robyn321]

Well the injections are fine, virtually painless and easy to do once the nurse takes you through it BUT I went for my follicle scan today and there are only 2 follicles...and worryingly it seems that only one of my ovaries are working...looking at the doctor's records I've ovulated from the same side every month for the past 5 cycles. So now I am a mess...there is no reason why one ovary isn't working, and the dr is baffled...