Visitors after baby stress

[Fire_fly]

Hi girls, sorry not really a third trimester question but wondered what is everyone doing about visitors after baby is born? My section is in 4 days and I had planned to have grandparents visit the day after in hospital as I'd find this less stressful so we can have a peaceful few days at home (getting used to bf and my daughter getting used to being a big sister, also the first few days after a section) but turns out I might be home the next day and feeling a bit stressed now.
I had certain family members trying to take over when my daughter was born, taking her off me the minute I walked through the door, going in a mood if they couldn't bottle feed her (I didn't bf with my first) and complaining they didn't get time with her on their own enough, to name a few. It ended in a big falling out that has since been patched up but was awful at the time. Really don't want a repeat.
I'm trying to decided whether to have vistors on the first day home this time for an hour or two then request no visitors for a few days as I just want to be with my own little family or have them visit after a few days? I know with the day 3-4 hormones though and milk coming in, I might regret that.

I'm setting clear boundaries this time though that I will not be putting up with anyone demanding baby of me and if they don't like it, not my problem. Has been good until today when it seemed like it's headed that way again and am determined I'm putting a stop to it before it starts this time.
Sorry, this is long but just wondered what you would do? And what you are doing re, visitors? Thanks

 

[gezimmom]

I'm surprised you are going home the next day! I'm always kept three days with my sections. I think just putting your foot down and remembering it's you and your baby. My mom got in a tizzy when she tried ignoring me and taking the baby last time. I ended up yelling at her and she left really dramatically. She got over it and while I could have been nicer, I don't regret speaking my mind and standing up for myself!

 

[WackyMumof2]

This is YOUR baby so everyone can be damn respectful of that and give you the time you need before you are up for visitors! There is nothing worse than back to back visitors from the moment you have given birth then people who all get butthurt and upset because they can't have the baby. Set those boundaries and make them clear! Let hubby know how you feel and ask him to support you and baby. There is a lot going on with a newborn without adding endless visitors to the mix! State at the hospital who you are allowing in and you are not in the mood for others. As for when you get home, keep the door locked with a note on it. Good friends and family will often walk in themselves and if the idea of this is stressing you out, easiest solution is to keep the door locked. People wanting to see a new baby shouldn't show up unannounced anyhow in my opinion so I wouldn't be welcoming them in. All you need on the note is simply 'Please text and arrange a time that works with us rather than showing up unannounced. Thank you for understanding'. If people genuinely care, they will respect that. If not, then hey, you don't need them.

 

[WackyMumof2]

I'm surprised you are going home the next day! I'm always kept three days with my sections. I think just putting your foot down and remembering it's you and your baby. My mom got in a tizzy when she tried ignoring me and taking the baby last time. I ended up yelling at her and she left really dramatically. She got over it and while I could have been nicer, I don't regret speaking my mind and standing up for myself!

Some people just have no sense of personal boundries!! I'm like that with my MIL. I don't mind if she wants cuddles but I'm NOT having her help herself nor am I having her take the baby from my arms. She can wait until he's passed to her! I also don't let anyone pick my baby up or lie my baby in their bed. That's MINE and my partner's job!

 

[Fire_fly]

Thanks girls. Definitely, this time round, I'm putting my foot down. It's been a difficult enough pregnancy as it is and now I'm meant to factor in other people and put their needs first after having a baby, not going to happen. I was told today not to "push people away" or "burn bridges" as I'll need help when I expressed my wishes for what I wanted after baby is born. My partner is fully supportive luckily and will support me in what I want. Just fed up as it's not about other people and really don't need the stress. I'm not 100% sure if I'll get out the next day, might be 2 days but I was told today that it could be if I'm on my feet and well enough, all part of the enhanced recovery programme.
Was really hoping just to get visitors out the way at the hospital if I could though as it's less stressful and gets it out the way, really don't want them on the first day at home.

 

[HopeBT]

Fire, I am so sorry that you have this unnecessary stress. Try not to stress yourself with other people`s need and wish, although it can be hard. But if these people are your family and friends, they really should understand and respect your wishes. After all you are the one who went through this pregnancy and bringing this baby to this world, so you should have the final say. Wondering if you let them know exactly how you feel and tell them that you will be grateful if they can visit in few days would be a good approach?
It is a custom where I am from, people are not allowed to visit newborn until baby is 1 month or older, so I am quite shocked and upset to hear about this
Best of luck for your section hun xxx

 

[laura109]

My sons two weeks old and I'll be honest visitors have made the first two weeks tough. Not for any bad reason but it's left me feeling overwhelmed. Our little one went back in with jaundice at 2 days. I had spent day one at home stressed about keeping it tidy for family and the midwife. It just continued from there. If I didn't have to be up for a midwife or health visitor it was family. Two times I got up super early to tidy up and get myself showered and they cancelled. Honestly wish we could of had at least 3 days of uninterrupted time. I have a toddler too and I am trying to find a way to get us all sorted so the house is tidy and we can actually go out. Don't let people rob you of this precious time if you can help it. Emotionally I've found it extremely hard. Rather than resting and bonding and spending quality time with my toddler and baby I have been worrying about stuff that shouldn't matter. Good luck with the new arrival xx

 

[laura109]

P. S day 3_4 was awful both times. I always get a fever when my milk comes in. Definitely try get those days alone x

 

[kewpie]

Hey Firefly, if I were you I would let family know that you need a few days this time before visitors as you are having a c-section and need extra time to bond with baby because of this. Don’t be bulldozed by anyone and make sure you partner keeps them away. I think it’s absolutely outrageous that anyone would expect to visit sooner than the parents wish, let alone getting in a ‘mood’ about it. You never get those first days back and you don’t deserve to be spending them worrying. Put yourselves first. All the best!!

 

[pandn]

With my section and VBAC I had family come in 2hrs after I gave birth. With my section, I was still out of it so everyone that came didn’t stay long out of courtesy to me, but they got to see baby and were happy. Same with my VBAC, I was tired from labour and delivery so they also didn’t stay long. However by the second day, the medicines start to wear off and I think I would’ve gotten cranky if I had guests then.
So if you think you can handle it guests after delivery may work for you as you will still be out of it from the drugs and your hubby can politely ask guests to leave if they overstay their welcome as you had just had surgery and need to rest. More than likely they will be happy to just see bubs

 

[Fire_fly]

Thanks everyone, I knew this was the right place to vent, feeling a bit better already. I've decided I'm telling everyone to wait until they hear from me after I'm out of hospital, I've never had a section so have no idea how I'll feel and the one thing I was really looking forward to this time was just time with my own little family. If it's a few days or two weeks then so be it, it's my baby and my recovery. No point stressing as you all said about other people as I won't get this time back, that's exactly how I felt last time, that parts of my daughter's newborn days were partly ruined by other people and their exceptions xx

 

[Fire_fly]

My sons two weeks old and I'll be honest visitors have made the first two weeks tough. Not for any bad reason but it's left me feeling overwhelmed. Our little one went back in with jaundice at 2 days. I had spent day one at home stressed about keeping it tidy for family and the midwife. It just continued from there. If I didn't have to be up for a midwife or health visitor it was family. Two times I got up super early to tidy up and get myself showered and they cancelled. Honestly wish we could of had at least 3 days of uninterrupted time. I have a toddler too and I am trying to find a way to get us all sorted so the house is tidy and we can actually go out. Don't let people rob you of this precious time if you can help it. Emotionally I've found it extremely hard. Rather than resting and bonding and spending quality time with my toddler and baby I have been worrying about stuff that shouldn't matter. Good luck with the new arrival xx

I'm sorry to hear that Laura, that's really not fair on you as it's your baby and recovery. No-one would be expecting much from you if it were in hospital for any other medical reasons but you have a baby and everyone has to be have an opinion. I hope it's gets easier and you get some quality time with your baby and toddler. I remember days 3 with my daughter, felt like I'd been hit with an emotional truck, had read that happened but didn't expect it to be so strong! Will be better prepared this time, that's for sure xx

 

[Bonnie11]

Firefly take it from
Me you will not want a house full of visitors when you get back from a section! The first 3-4 days are HARD after a section alone let alone with milk and hormones and you won't want anyone there that is non essential. I stayed in for 3 days after and then came home, I think I had 2 visitors the first 2 weeks and I was pretty blunt about it. In hospital I had my dad and brother coming to see me once which was great and they stayed about 20 mins which was perfect and when I got home my best friend came over a few times but she was the only person in the 10 days/2weeks I saw. It's difficult to walk and get about and it's painful and you don't want people all over you. I would be clear from the very beginning (ie now!) what you do and don't want. So say you don't want peopl for the first few days/week while you settle in and you can arrange when you want to see them. Another tip is try and arrange something like a drink in a pub/coffee and cake/park meetup or something similar for 2/3 weeks time for people that you don't want coming to your house, it's a really easy way for a group of people to see the baby all at the same time and you are free to come and leave whenever you like, nothing worse than people stuck in your house that won't leave! But really just be honest from the beginning and pro actively tell people your plans of having time at home, it's so much easier than fending off people when you get home and you are already tired and emotional. Also I didn't tell people when I was coming home from hospital, that way they don't know!

 

[Fire_fly]

Firefly take it from
Me you will not want a house full of visitors when you get back from a section! The first 3-4 days are HARD after a section alone let alone with milk and hormones and you won't want anyone there that is non essential. I stayed in for 3 days after and then came home, I think I had 2 visitors the first 2 weeks and I was pretty blunt about it. In hospital I had my dad and brother coming to see me once which was great and they stayed about 20 mins which was perfect and when I got home my best friend came over a few times but she was the only person in the 10 days/2weeks I saw. It's difficult to walk and get about and it's painful and you don't want people all over you. I would be clear from the very beginning (ie now!) what you do and don't want. So say you don't want peopl for the first few days/week while you settle in and you can arrange when you want to see them. Another tip is try and arrange something like a drink in a pub/coffee and cake/park meetup or something similar for 2/3 weeks time for people that you don't want coming to your house, it's a really easy way for a group of people to see the baby all at the same time and you are free to come and leave whenever you like, nothing worse than people stuck in your house that won't leave! But really just be honest from the beginning and pro actively tell people your plans of having time at home, it's so much easier than fending off people when you get home and you are already tired and emotional. Also I didn't tell people when I was coming home from hospital, that way they don't know!

Thanks Bonnie, I've talked it through with my oh and we've decided that both sets of grandparents can visit the day after I get home for 1 hour each and if baby is wanting fed during that time then so be it. Don't want anyone after that though for a few days other than a good friend of mine who has been really supportive during this pregnancy and will be helpful when visiting (I can be honest with her if I'm feeling too tired or had enough) and my own mum is going to come up to do some housework for me and help me out a bit. I'm close to my mum though and she'll actually be helpful rather than just wanting to hog baby all the time. I also wouldn't be uncomfortable breastfeeding in front of her in the beginning. I've asked her to give us a few days at home though just me, baby, oh and our daughter to settle and have some time to ourselves then having a little practical help would be good.
That is actually my worst nightmare having a house full of visitors after my section (or any type of birth tbh) just couldn't do it. That's a good tip about meeting people outside thank you, I'll keep that in mind x

 

[lilmisscaviar]

Honestly I've found that in subsequent pregnancies, most people aren't as excited as they are with the first. When I gave birth to my first baby, everybody and their mother came up to see her. With my second and third, only a handful of close, really excited relatives came to visit. After my fourth was born, literally nobody showed up. It was just me and DH the entire 3 days I was in the hospital. It was nice because I got that extra bonding time, but honestly kind of boring. I think you should set the limits to only allow whomever you want in the room. Tell the hospital staff if there is anyone in particular that you don't want in the room and they should keep them out for you. You could always write on social media a post about how you want these first couple weeks to bond with the baby and will allow visitors once you heal up. They should respect that. If they still try to show up anyways, just don't let them in LOL.

 

[Fire_fly]

Honestly I've found that in subsequent pregnancies, most people aren't as excited as they are with the first. When I gave birth to my first baby, everybody and their mother came up to see her. With my second and third, only a handful of close, really excited relatives came to visit. After my fourth was born, literally nobody showed up. It was just me and DH the entire 3 days I was in the hospital. It was nice because I got that extra bonding time, but honestly kind of boring. I think you should set the limits to only allow whomever you want in the room. Tell the hospital staff if there is anyone in particular that you don't want in the room and they should keep them out for you. You could always write on social media a post about how you want these first couple weeks to bond with the baby and will allow visitors once you heal up. They should respect that. If they still try to show up anyways, just don't let them in LOL.

Haha luckily no-one would just turn up at the hospital unless invited. I'd rather have visitors initially at the hospital but I'm not going to be in long enough lol.

 

[MindUtopia]

You're absolutely doing the right thing and standing your ground. Make sure you set firm boundaries before anyone even walks through the door, like "we'd love you to come, but we are only having visitors for 1 hour and you will have to leave by 2pm. We also don't want anyone else holding baby at this time because of .... (using the current flu outbreak as an excuse is a good one, or you don't have to give a reason) and we hope you can understand, but we're grateful you can visit for a little bit." And then if they ask to hold baby, just say a firm no, get your partner enlisted in supporting you and distracting them if they get pushy, and then setting firm boundaries when they leave that you'll let them know when you're ready for visitor again but that it likely won't be for several days.

You can't be too assertive about this. With our first, we told everyone from when I was about 7 months pregnant that we didn't want any visitors for a week. Absolutely no one. My family is a plane ride away, so they weren't an issue but friends and my husband's family of course are closer. Because we were so upfront about it, it wasn't an issue. We had a lovely 10 days to ourselves (thankful because we had a lot of feeding issues) and then when our first visitors came, they stayed for 2 hours (had some cuddles, as by that time it was fine and we were ready for that), brought lunch for us, did the dishes and left. It was great and I'm very thankful we took that approach. We'll be doing the same again, but this time no one who would want to visit that soon lives very close, so it's not really an issue. We'll plan for visitors in a few weeks time and my mum will come to stay with us for a week when baby is about 6 weeks old.