Waiting to try...or maybe not

[sugarplum_elf]

Hello lovely ladies,

Just wanted an opportunity to vent and get some feedback because I'm going a bit crazy and don't feel like I can speak to my friends or family about my situation at the moment. I have been with my partner for 7 years and we have been living together for almost 3 years. All this time I thought we were manoeuvring into a position where we would be financially and emotionally ready to get married and have a baby. I turned 31 this year and I realised that I am most definitely 'there' as far a having a baby is concerned. On top of this the females in my family have a history of early menopause (like really early, mid-30's) so I am probably up against the clock more than most women. A couple of months ago I told him that I was ready and that I wanted to start planning a family (as far as I'm concerned the wedding can wait; with my family history we have other priorities). At this point he decided to drop the bombshell that he wasn't sure if he wanted kids AT ALL!! After lots of arguing and tears I told him that I understood he would need time to think and we have decided that he will let me know in the new year. For the time being we are still living together and most of the time getting on fine until the uncertainty of the situation gets to me and we end up arguing. I love him so much but don't think I could forgive him if he took away my chance to have children.

In the meantime, I am trying to get organised so that if he decides he wants a child we're ready to go; had blood tests which show hormone levels are fine and I am ovulating and have been prescribed folic acid but I'm terrified that I will lose everything in the next couple of months. My partner wont speak to me about it until he's decided and I don't feel ready to share my horrible situation with anyone I know. Any advice or reassurance would be appreciated.

 

[chickenchaser]

Hi Hun and welcome, I think as you have said you will give him to the new year to think things over you need to back off and give him this time. There is no point in getting yourself upset and also putting a strain on your relationship if you don't need to. I would let him know that you are preparing your body ready, so he doesn't think you have changed your mind but also tell him you are giving him the time to think.
In the meantime we are very good in WTT at listening to the frustrations of OH not being ready. So until new year vent here and give him time and space to work out what he needs.

Take Care hun and Good luck.

 

[vmcsherry]

Hi there,

I totally understand! Unfortunately in regards to kids there is no changing the way a man thinks. I was able to change my now-husbands mind about marriage but he won't budge on the children thing. We've been together for 5 years, lived together for 3 1/2 and been married 2 months and I'd say from when we moved in together I was talking about kids. All the talking has been from my side, zero from his. We were supposed to start trying this month but my OH is using me being made redundant from my job as an excuse not to.


That sucks about your early menopause risk, you'd think that would get him thinking about things? Even though you have that risk, women hit an age to where they are just ready, thats just it and there is nothing that can get us to stop thinking about it. The fact that he said that he doesnt want kids at all is definately something to worry about. If my OH turned around to me right now and told me he had no interest in being a father, we would have a problem! I love him more than life itself but if he is not willing to start a family at some point then there needs to be a serious discussion. You will continue to feel resentment until this is resolved. He wont speak to you until HE has decided? Um . . . thats not how things work. He knows exactly how he feels and he needs to express that. He is just pawning you off

Stick to your guns and try and stay as positive as possible. Getting overly emotional and crying loads isnt going to change his mind either, I learned that the hard way.

 

[sugarplum_elf]

Thank you so much for replying ladies; I got quite tearful reading your feedback, it's so nice to have someone to 'talk' with about this stuff. I would love to confide in my family but I don't want them to have any bad feelings towards my OH if everything ends up turning out well.

I know you're right chickenchaser, going on at him all the time isn't helping either of us; he needs some space and acting like a crazy woman isn't going to convince him to start a family with me. vmcsherry, I know the decision isn't just his and so does he but he needs to get his head around things. My OH forgets we're not kids any more; I think until recently he thought of babies as an abstract concept that would come up some time in the future - it was only when I pushed him, he realised that perhaps he didn't really see them in his future at all. That's why I've given him time to think; he needs to bring the idea of children into the present and decide whether his reluctance is a timing issue (which I think he could get over) or a life choice (which he couldn't). I'm just scared he is waiting to feel some kind of magical feeling that might not come, that maybe he's waiting to feel the longing that I am and I'm not sure that most men are capable of that until the baby is on the way or actually arrives??

Thank you so much for your advice, I'm feeling less alone already. xx

 

[chickenchaser]

I do think men need time to get their heads around things, give him time. My DH pointed out to me the other day that he has never said he doesn't want children, I pointed out to him he has never said he does either, lol. But I know he is there but I also think he doesn't want to get to excited as he sees himself as my control. We are hoping it wont be long for us now but it is very hard to wait. But sometime he does forget himself and coos over a baby on the TV or will often comment about a buggy we have seen. To me these are signs that yes he is ready. However it has taken him a long time to get there. I hope your OH gets there soon hun. Keep us all informed. X

 

[sugarplum_elf]

Yeah, my OH was never specific, he might say things like "when we have children...." but has never said "I definitely want children". As I said, I think it's always been an abstract, some time in the future, concept to him. We'll just have to see what happens; keep your fingers crossed for me, I'll let you know when there are any developments.

Your situation sounds much more positive hun, when are you planning to TTC?

 

[vmcsherry]

Im glad you feel you have someone to talk to now about this. About 2 years ago I expressed my feelings to my mother about my longing to get married and have babies and she ended up using that information against men. I ended up in hospital for a week and one of the nights my now husband was leaving her back to the bus station she decided to take matters into her own hands. My mother told him that if he didnt ask me to marry him soon then she was going to tell me to leave him and to find someone else, I can quote her as well "Even though your a nice guy, there are plenty of nice guys out there!" She also started to yell and cry saying "I WANT GRANDBABIES!" When i found out about this i was mortified and the relationship that I had with my mother and the relationship he has with her now is tainted. I now cant talk to my mother about these sorts of things. Sometimes you just need an outsiders opinion!

My OH always says "Sure we'll see what happens", It kills me I like to know whats going on, i like to plan. I think thats another problem, men only think as far as to what they are having for lunch that day. I think of what im having for lunch for the next week!

Maybe just leave it for a bit then try and bring it back up again. Good luck! xo

 

[vmcsherry]

Im glad you feel you have someone to talk to now about this. About 2 years ago I expressed my feelings to my mother about my longing to get married and have babies and she ended up using that information against men. I ended up in hospital for a week and one of the nights my now husband was leaving her back to the bus station she decided to take matters into her own hands. My mother told him that if he didnt ask me to marry him soon then she was going to tell me to leave him and to find someone else, I can quote her as well "Even though your a nice guy, there are plenty of nice guys out there!" She also started to yell and cry saying "I WANT GRANDBABIES!" When i found out about this i was mortified and the relationship that I had with my mother and the relationship he has with her now is tainted. I now cant talk to my mother about these sorts of things. Sometimes you just need an outsiders opinion!

My OH always says "Sure we'll see what happens", It kills me I like to know whats going on, i like to plan. I think thats another problem, men only think as far as to what they are having for lunch that day. I think of what im having for lunch for the next week!

Maybe just leave it for a bit then try and bring it back up again. Good luck! xo

I meant against ME not MEN! ha ha!

 

[sugarplum_elf]

Oh dear, your mum sounds like she means business! I don't think my mother would get involved but I don't want her to know too much in case she gets her hopes up and then feels as let down as me if OH decides he doesn't want a baby. Although, if that happens I don't think we'll have a future and my mum might find me on her doorstep at some point which will obviously require an explanation

As far as your OH's reluctance to plan is concerned, it sounds like we're in exactly the same boat; I'm always looking ahead and my partner lives for today. Good luck with your baby quest, let me know how you get on! xx

 

[chickenchaser]

Hi Hun how are you today? Yes we probably are further on than you but we were in your situation nearly 3 years ago now so we should be a couple of steps ahead of you. I'm sure it wont take you as long as us as we had a lot of hurdles to jump before getting here, which I'm happy to share with you if you think it will help, Not an issue if not.
Your situation does sound very similar to ours and if that is the case he will come round he just needs a bit of time. X

 

[chickenchaser]

Hi Hun how are you today? Yes we probably are further on than you but we were in your situation nearly 3 years ago now so we should be a couple of steps ahead of you. I'm sure it wont take you as long as us as we had a lot of hurdles to jump before getting here, which I'm happy to share with you if you think it will help, Not an issue if not.
Your situation does sound very similar to ours and if that is the case he will come round he just needs a bit of time. X

 

[sugarplum_elf]

I'm ok actually, loving this site and understanding that so many other people are in a similar situation to mine; makes me feel slightly less crazy and panicky. Last night I told my OH that the doctor had prescribed folic acid and I was wondering if I should bother to start taking it yet? He said 'it can't hurt' which kind of surprised me as I expected him to suggest I wait until we had made a decision; I'm probably reading too much into it but I definitely expected some kind of brush off rather than encouragement (all be it very slight encouragement).

What kind of hurdles did you have to jump? Were they emotional or practical? Only let me know if your comfortable with it. When are you planning to start trying? x

 

[chickenchaser]

That really does sound positive, I will keep my fingers crossed for you.
Our hurdles have been physical and emotional, I hit rock bottom 3 years ago at Christmas when it all boiled over and I begged him for a baby. At the time we were living in a fallen down house with no heating, no running water and no real kitchen or bathroom. He asked me to wait 2 years to give us chance to get the house finished. And even though this was hard it made sense. It was hard enough for us to be living there no need having a little one. Anyway I decided to I would also use this time to improve my career that would give me better maternity benefits. But unfortunately during these 2 years we had a couple of delays because of the house and a nasty burglary which made a real mess and set us back about 6 months. Then this time last year my sister had a massive head injury and our world stopped while we cared for her and literally got her back on her feet, we even started to look at how we could adapt our house so she could live with us. Any how she is getting much better and looks like she will be able to live independently again and next week she goes and has her last bit of surgery to put her skull back together so we are hoping all our lives will get back on track. We have a little bit of decorating to do so we should be able to start getting our lives back to normal.
My implant is due out in May and we have a big holiday booked for April so I'm keeping my fingers crossed but I have learnt over the last 3 years that you never bank on anything so until that implant is out of my arm and we are spending every day tucked up in bed I'm not going to say we are TTC.
I really hope things go easier for you, but I know it will all be worth it. I love my home, it is the perfect place for a family and I love my job, but most of all I love my sister and I will never regret being there for her when she needed me and I say thank you every day for having a husband who was also happy and understanding enough to not only just go along with the care she needed but fully participated.
Listen to me getting all sloppy and emotional

 

[sugarplum_elf]

Wow Chick, you really have been through the mill; I'm so sorry about your sister, it must have been a terrifying time for all of you. You are obviously a very special person to look after your sister in the selfless way you did and it sounds like your husband is 100% supportive and completely there for you; I'm so pleased that things seem to be working out, I will keep my fingers crossed for you that everything goes the way you want it to (it sounds like you are due some good luck).

If things go the way I hope, I would like to TTC around June time so you never know, we might be there about the same time (getting ahead of myself I know )

 

[Annie77]

I told my now hubby i wanted marriage and kids , he wanted neither. A year later I told him to forget marriage and just give me a baby - still non-commital. Moved in, stillnothing so I stopped mentioning it, stopped my pill with a throw away comment to him and got pregnant 4 weeks later. It took him all of 2 minutes to get excited and happy and we haven't looked back since.

I didn't trap him - i told him pill was no longer working though typically I think guys switch off the minute you mention periods etc lol. I had my own flat and career, just in case BUT I knew our relationship and knew him so ws 99% sure all would work out.

I just think a lot of guys don't like to sit down, plan and discuss these matters.

 

[chickenchaser]

Wow Chick, you really have been through the mill; I'm so sorry about your sister, it must have been a terrifying time for all of you. You are obviously a very special person to look after your sister in the selfless way you did and it sounds like your husband is 100% supportive and completely there for you; I'm so pleased that things seem to be working out, I will keep my fingers crossed for you that everything goes the way you want it to (it sounds like you are due some good luck).

If things go the way I hope, I would like to TTC around June time so you never know, we might be there about the same time (getting ahead of myself I know )

Thank you
It would be lovely for us to be TTC at the same time, we can always hope. In fact my WTT buddy is moving on soon to TTC so I'm looking for a new buddy if you are interested

 

[sugarplum_elf]

That would be great. Although, if OH dashes my hopes in January I may have to duck out!

Fingers firmly crossed!!

 

[sugarplum_elf]

Hi Annie77, I tried to do the same as you - I stopped taking the pill a couple of months ago and told my boyfriend that if he wanted to use contraception, it was his responsibility (unfortunately this is one responsibility he has actually taken on!!) I was hoping he would go along with NTNP but it isn't happening. I could never have tricked him into it, I would have felt guilty and like I'd tainted something wonderful. I just have to hope he comes round. Glad it worked out for you though; I really think that if we had a little one on the way, my OH would be really excited and I know he would be an amazing dad. xx

 

[calm]

I can so get you about that waiting til New Year thing, that would drive me crazy too!!! I hope he is using the time to really think about it all and not just putting it off! Men! XXXX

 

[sugarplum_elf]

He assures me he is thinking about it; I tend to spill over every couple of weeks and launch into a diatribe about how important it is that he is considering it, that I really will expect a definite answer (not a 'sometime in the future response') and that he understands what is at stake if we decide we want different things. It gets a bit tense sometimes but most of the time we get on fantastically well; we'll both be devastated if we can't resolve things.