Wants another baby but won't get married.

[Kmx]

Would this upset you?

My partner and I have been going out for 6 years. We have a 3 year old son and he has agreed to TTC in September. I assumed this would mean marriage but when I ask him he said "I'm crazy and I want it all".

It really hurts me to the point of not knowing if I can continue without a proposal at least. Why does he agree to a baby but not a marriage. Money isn't an issue at all. All of our friends are engaged or married.

What hurts more is he is a best man this year. All he speaks about his their wedding and stag weekend. It hurts because he seems to care more about their wedding than us ever getting married.

Last year we went through a tough time and we briefly spoke about so splitting up. He blames his lack of wanting to marry on this. I understand this but there was very very valid reasons for our discussion last year and now we have moved on from this. I'm more than happy with him and I've shown him so much commitment. I moved 500 miles away from my family to be with him.

What do I do? I despretly want another LO for our family but in the back of my mind I don't want to do this until we are married.

 

[TwilightAgain]

I totally understand your frustrations. For me, a man agreeing to have a child with me but not marry would flash up red lights (I appreciate some couples don't wish to marry and that's ok!) but you clearly do. If I were in your shoes it would be a deal breaker with the ttc until marriage was on the cards. I don't get why he'd have an issue with it, children are as big a commitment anyway

How did he say you want it all? He could maybe be thinking of throwing you off the scent! If you genuinely believe he has nothing up his sleeve i'd have an open and honest chat that you believe he's more bothered about other people getting married and you're really upset at the idea of having another baby without an engagement first.

I did pick up though on the fact that you said "he has agreed" to have another baby. Was this something he was also reluctant of or is he all for it?

 

[Kmx]

Thanks for your reply! It does worry me why he doesn't want marriage but he will have a child, why are these any different? Anyway he says marriage doesn't mean anything to him and we already live like we are married. But it means a lot to me that we are a family. I always imagined being married. with regards to another LO, we have both agreed to have another one only recently. He wanted to wait until next year but I wanted to try this year. He wanted to wait until we were in our new house where as I just want a close-ish sibling for me son and the fact I may struggle to fall pregnant straight away, I wanted to try in September, having been in my job for a year then. So he compromised on this, that's what I mean by agree.

I do believe he loves me. I know almost 100% in my heart he has and will be faithful but I'd love for him to want to marry me. Or at least propose and we can marry in the future at some point. But he doesn't understand. I honestly believe if I don't mention it ever again we will never marry, so I don't think he's throwing me off the scent. He says I want it all becuase I want kids and marriage where as he "wants to do one thing at a time and kids are his priority". It means a lot for me as a mum to have this commitment from him even though I know in reality divorce is possible and a ring can mean nothing so why does it matter? But it does to me! I don't think the term "boyfriend" represents our relationship. A 6 year one with ups and downs and struggles and children. I would love for it to be husband.

 

[loeylo]

I'm on the fence on this one. I always thought marriage, house, children, in that order. We bought a house last year, unmarried, and have been pregnant four times now, unmarried.

I want to get married but my partner isn't too bothered. He isn't anti marriage by a long shot, but our priorities have changed as our relationship has grown and it isn't the be all and end all any more. We are just as committed as any married couple - in fact more so than some as we have a joint mortgage and bank accounts! For me, this is all a bigger commitment than marriage. I want to get married within the next few years, but right now I would rather focus my finances on paying of our mortgage rather than publically declaring our love for each other.

 

[sherwood]

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[Kiki1993]

My friend is in the same situation, but she is the one who doesn't want to get married. Obviously people have different reasons. Some don't see the big deal about marriage, some think it's a money issue, some feel too young no matter what. My friend said she couldn't see herself as a wife and she found it easy to commit to having another child with him, because she was committing to a sweet innocent child and not an adult .. I didn't really get what she meant at first because a baby is for life no matter what, and so should a husband be but you can't divorce your kids but the way she saw it was a love for a child is unconditional and because she has never seen a successful couple (her parents divorced, her big brother and his wife split, her grandparents split) she doesn't see it as something possible. She ahs only ever seen single parenting and to me it sounds like she needs some help to get over these insecurities, she loves her boyfriend so much and you can see that, but she has this weird thing about marriage. Has your OH seen any couple "make it" ... does someone he know go through a bitter divorce/custody battle ... there are so many reasons that can make someone not want to get married, even if they love you like a husband would love a wife.

 

[EmmySocks]

I can understand where you are coming from on the marriage front, i suppose it depends on his reasons. I'd feel it was more ok if he just didn't want to get married, if as you say you are committed to each other as if you are married that feels ok. If, on the other hand, he doesn't feel ready for marriage, or doesn't feel able to commit to you in that way, i guess that would be a problem. BUT from what you say it sounds like he's never really thought about marriage and is more interested in your family together. Maybe marriage isn't important to him, but i'm sure you are.

I have to say - i am married. I love it and It was what we both wanted. However, At the end of the day, unless you have specific religious beliefs, marriage is the legal stuff and a wedding is just an expensive party. Getting married wont change anything, it doesn't upgrade your relationship. A proposal is much the same. Everything in your relationship still comes from the two of you and your actions to each other

I CAN see where you are coming from. Especially from feeling that need for commitment myself. Maybe you can talk to him about it and understand where each other is coming from. Perhaps a proposal could be a compromise but will you always wonder whether you coerced him into it? Or maybe you talk and arrange something together for just you two (a holiday or a special day) as a way to signify to yourselves that you are committed?

Just some ideas. Sorry for the long post... once i started thinking about it it all came out

 

[cherrylips100]

What would he say about having a little private wedding? For some people the whole 'fuss' of a wedding is what puts them off and this could be a nice compromise if that were the case.
If you love and trust him enough to have a baby, then marriage is just a bonus but maybe you could meet half way somehow?