"Was it planned?"

[PitaKat]

As soon as we started announcing, people started asking this. First person was hubby's mom, and he flipped out on her, telling her that it's none of her business, that it's rude to ask, and that it doesn't make any difference anyway. I've had 5 other people ask me, varying from people I work with, to close friends. I was really not expecting this, as hubby and I have been married 3 and a half years and have always told people that we want to have kids. We just never told anyone we were trying to get pregnant, ESPECIALLY after the miscarriage.

So, is this a question that people usually ask? Is the concensus that it's rude, or normal?

 

[anne003]

I think it's very rude!!! was asked this by a work colleague when I announced I was pregnant with #1. I just said yes very much planned even though was nonw of their business!!

 

[Mrsctobe]

Noone has asked me it. i think it's very rude and wouldn't be happy if someone asked tbh

 

[Sunshine12]

I agree its very rude. Noone has asked me and I very much doubt anyone will (particularly as Im 38 and people have been asking me for 10 years why I havent had any yet!!!)

 

[CloverMouse]

I have had a lot of people ask! It's crazy, I've been with my DH for 10 years, and we've been married almost 5. Um.. yes this was planned thank you very much. It was his dad that really irked me, cuz he followed up with "I didnt think you wanted kids"
Just because we waited until we were married and ready unlike the rest of the family.
And on top of that he obviously has never listened to a thing his son has said!
rawr... rant over

 

[KahluaCupcake]

Honestly....and this is coming from someone who tried a very long time to get pregnant, had a miscarriage, and used to get extremely jealous of women who "accidentally" got pregnant......I don't think anyone is intending to be rude by asking. At this stage of the game, anyone who's excited for you wants to ask about your experience. Since they know you don't know the gender, aren't feeling kicks, and maybe don't even have any cravings yet....they still want to talk to you about it. And right now, we don't have much to say except whether we're having sickness at all, gaining weight or not, and whether we have swollen boobs. Nothing that's really fun to share. And some ladies haven't even had a first ultrasound yet.

I don't think people are judging you. MOST pregnancies are unplanned. Ask around with close friends who wouldn't be offended. Even some women who will tell you they didn't want to get pregnant, were on birth control, etc. will tell you it's "the best mistake of their lives" with a smile.

I know we're all hyper-sensitive right now, but don't take it so personally. I don't believe anyone is judging you.
I mean, if you're sixteen and living with your folks and they ask...yes, they're judging you.
But beyond that, I highly doubt anyone is asking to pry.

 

[socitycourty]

My dr asked me that! Other than that everyone knew we were TTC (well, I've only told a few people that I'm pregnant) won't be telling everyone else till 12 weeks.

I don't think I would be bothered, I think ppl are just curious. Although I have never asked anyone that. LOL

 

[cbass929]

I think its rude also. Regardless if it is planned or not, its really no ones business. I would never ask anyone that. And i wish someone would ask me, i'd probably flip out. Even though this one was planned, my other 2 weren't but i don't love them any less and couldn't see my life without either of them!!!

 

[PitaKat]

I haven't been too bothered by it, but it made my hubby really mad. I would never ask anyone that. If they wanted to offer up that info, then that's their call, but I do find it to be too invasive for me to ask anyone.

 

[Koolmami]

I agree with KahluaCupcake, I don't think is rude to ask. I've asked people before because I didn't know how to react myself if I was in the same situation.

 

[mommylam]

I don't worry too much about what other people ask me. I've had people ask me that but I've married for 13 years and have 3 other children...I think they ask because of my age and the fact that my youngest is 4 now. I'm not saying that it's not rude because it kind of is but stuff like that just doesn't get to me.

Also, all my children were planned. I know many ladies that did not plan their children and generally happily say so but I think people are just trying to gauge whether or not you're happy about the pregnancy!

 

[Kians_Mummy]

I think that is a really common thing to ask tbh, I think people ask just to make a conversation.
My DS is nearly a year old and I still get asked was a planned!

 

[FeliciaD]

I think it really depends on the person who is asking it, their relation/involvement with the pregnancy, and the situation. I personally, would think it would be rude coming from anyone but my doctor simply FOR medical reasons(if they ever asked- i don't think I've been asked). Or if it was coming from MY mom in general conversation as opposed to what my MIL has done every time and analyzed everything, stated to my soon-to-be SIL in FRONT OF ME that I "trapped" her son when I got preggo with our DD(which is SO far from the truth even though we're not married), and then told "hubby" that I was lying when he confronted her about it. Or when a random person in a store or on the street asks if it was planned. At least for me that's when it becomes rude.

 

[cherry22]

I personally dont take it rude unless its said in a rude way! I had loads of people say it to me with my DS proberly because i dont walk around with a t-shirt saying iv lost 3 babys so yes this baby was and is very much wanted!! I think some people dont know what to say and they dont mean it to offend enyone! I found it odd but it came from straingers not family id be peeved if they had! (and they proberly will this time round!!)

I must admit iv said it in a rude way because the person had only been with their new partner for a matter of 2-3 months and already had 2 children and because my son was only 3 days old when she announced it i was really pissed off with her!

If it was me id just smile happly and say very much so thanks! x

 

[pinkgem100]

personally i think it can come across as rude it it is one of the first things that you are asked. and if people knew you have had a mc and that you have both wanted kids then it is pretty obviouse that you have had planned on having kids at some point. me and oh had a loss in 2008, we hadnt planned the pregnancy but where excited unfortunatly it wasnt ment to be, i feel pregnant in Jan 2010 and people asked me that question, i was so mad as even though we hadnt told anyone we where trying again we also hadnt told people that we wernt trying, just seeing what happens.

I dont think people realise is quite rude to ask!! xx

 

[JessPape]

It's rude, but people will and do ask. It sucks, I can't say too many have asked us more friends than anything. My though it, i'm married, if I want to have sex and throw away birth control thats our choice.

 

[domesticdiva]

I also think it's rude
ANd I am ticked off with this too, as this is my fourth, almost everyone we tell is coming back with that response, or "when is he going to get snipped?" or "you'd think you'd have learnt by now" as if it's their business, or that it couldn't have been planned, or like we're crazy & our kids aren't excellently provided for. Ahhh! I just want to scream, I was so mad at many ppl's responses. Thing is I don't think they're being rude, they just don't know what to say..

 

[NotNic]

After wishing us congratulations my Mum actually asked if we had been trying! I think it was probably because of shock and because no one at all knew that we were TTCing or were even thinking about starting a family.

I found it quite hard to answer the question because while it took us 6 months, we probably weren't trying as hard as some people. We didn't want people to think we had problems (even though that doesn't actually matter!) but we didn't want them to think it was an accident and we hadn't thought about it either!

 

[Lors]

I dont think anyone has asked us this, the select few who know we are preggers knew we would be trying straight after our honeymoon in July! so it is not really a shock to them. I guess maybe more people will ask once we make it official after the dating scan! I dont think I would be that upset by that question, though I can understand that it might upset some poeple or seem a bit rude. Either way I think I am too excited to let others get under my skin with silly questions

 

[Maviyildiz]

I don't think it is a smart thing to ask, BUT I think people may not realize the all the possible implications of the question, (especially people who have never been pregnant nor tried to conceive) so they will not realize that they are asking something sensitive.

I admit that I asked someone this once. A friend of mine completely caught me off guard by announcing her pregnancy. The next thing out of my mouth was "was it planned?" I think it was a product of the shock--and the surprise that someone you know very well has this really big secret. You immediately wonder how long they have thinking about it whilst you have been completely oblivious!