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Was WTT... but marriage on the rocks

jj84

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Hi all

I've been here a while but don't really post. I've been waiting to try for about two years. Initially I was counting down to marriage, and then several promotions at work meant we delayed our date further. We married in Aug 2013, had that as our date and then moved it to Jan 2014, then May 2014, and now we're probably looking at end of 2015/16.Well, we were...

Husband went on a stag do and admitted paying for TWO erotic private dances in a strip club in Eastern Europe. I don't mind him going in to strip clubs, as that happens on stag dos, but he knew the private dances crosses the boundary for me as he's done it before and I was really, really upset. It was about 2 years ago and the stag's Dad paid for all the boys to have a private dance. I was upset for a while and he was sorry and said he would never do it again but as it was paid for for him, and everyone did it, I got over it.

However, here we are again. This time, it was OUR money. Our shared earnings. And he had TWO private dances and also completely ignored my texts for the entire night when they were there, which he never does as I suffer from anxiety and always presume bad things have happened if I don't hear from him.

It was just him and a naked woman in a room. And then he clearly loved it so much he went back for more with someone else.
He says he was very drunk and felt terrible the next day. He claims to not really remember it. However, he was sober enough to put his pin code into the machine.

The first dance shows £50 coming out of the account, and the second one £500. He says the bank are looking into the £500 as fraud... however, for all I know, he could have paid for a few extras.

This was a week ago. I left and spent the night at a friends. I am back home now but I am devastated. This is betrayal for me and everytime I look at him I see a naked woman all over him and him loving it, and i don't want him anywhere near me.

I feel like this could have ruined our marriage. He knew I was hurt before and he did it again twice. I have taken all the wedding pictures down in the house. I feel inadequate, disrespected, disgusted and that my world is falling apart.

I do not know how to move on from this. Obviously I do probably love him deep down but at the moment I feel hate and no physical attraction at all and I am worried I never will again....
The thought of this pig being the father of my children also disgusts me.

Before, we had the perfect marriage everyone was jealous of. I can't believe he has had such little regard for my feelings and am wondering how he really feels about me.

He says he is sorry and will do anything to keep me but I keep thinking if he cared that much, he wouldn't have done it and ignored me for the whole night.

I am torturing myself by watching video of private strip dances online and the more I read/watch the more I feel like I will never recover.

Help please! I'm in bits.
 
I'm so sorry you're going through this. And I'm sorry I don't have any good advice. Please stop torturing yourself watching those videos, no good will come of it you will only feel worse. Don't hurt yourself like that, he's hurt you enough already, don't do it to yourself. You need time and space to think about what you want and whether you can move forward with him and get past this or whether he has gone too far for you to be able to recover. But you need to give yourself time and distance yourself from this, watching those videos will only keep you stuck in this horrible place.

Have you spoken to any friends or family in real life about this? Someone who knows you both might have some good advice. Hugs xx
 
Thank you for your words.

Yeah I have told my work friends in real life. Most of my other girlfriends are the girlfriends of his mates so I can't talk to them. My work friends have met him though.

They say similar things to you but I don't know what he can do to make it feel better and I have longstanding problems with anxiety, self-esteem, OCD etc all of which are triggered when bad things happen and now I feel like I am going quite mental

:(
 
Oh honey :hugs:. I'm really sorry he did that. I know strip clubs and private dances are a grey area- some people see it as cheating, others aren't bothered at all, but your DH knew full well how you feel about the private dances :(. I would suggest marriage counselling so that you can really talk about it with guidance to make it a productive talk (a good counsellor should draw your DH out to talk about what he did and why, how he feels about what he did and help you to express yourself without breaking down).
 
Thank you. Yeah, as I said, I got over it the first time and forgave him. It's not a grey area when he knew how I would feel and he did it TWICE in the same night...

And also, £500 for the second dance?? I am sure not sure I believe him that it may have been fraud as before the bank statement came through he was worried he had spent a lot of money. If it was supposed to have been two lots of £50 then he wouldn't have been that worried - he was expecting hundreds so I am thinking he must have known what he paid for.

I don't know about counselling.... I don't think he would respond as he is rubbish at talking about his feelings...
 
I'm interested in how others would feel in my situation about the naked lap dances.... and the £500 price tag....
 
Could the £500 be a simple mistake of they entered £500 instead of £50 and he was too stuck to notice the extra 0? Marriage counseling could be worth a try rather than throwing it all away, if he wants to save your relationship surely he well give it a go?
 
Honestly, if that were my husband, I'd be feeling the exact same way. He's never done this as far as I'm aware, but I've made it clear about my feelings right from the start.

I'm so sorry you're in this situation.
 
:( I'm sorry to hear about that. I would feel the same way as you; I too struggle with anxiety (and also depression). I would definitely agree that you should give counseling a try; it's worth a shot. Maybe with a "middle man" it will make it easier for him to talk about his feelings? You never know. But if you feel in your heart that you want to end it, only you can make that call at the end of the day. Good luck to you no matter what you decide.
 
I would feel the same way as you do too.

I agree about the marital counselling. I think he'll be open to it as it sounds like he feels terrible about it and wants to fix things.

When I was engaged we had to do premarital counselling as our pastor who married us required it and we both found it really helpful even without having anything so serious.
 
Sorry you're going through this. I would be fuming about the money on a practical level (would especially be investigating the £500 but like a pp said it seems a coincidence it's so close to £50 maybe it was a mistake- perhaps deliberate on their part). On an emotional level I would be battered, I don't know what I would do I kinda want to say I wouldn't throw the marriage away because of it but I just can't imagine my husband ever doing anything like that so it's hard to relate without feeling the emotions of it, but I certainly don't think your initial reaction is over the top, I think you're justified, but I would perhaps find a way to move on if the marriage is working in every other way, I would definitely look into counselling.
 
I'm so sorry to hear this. If you still want to try to save the marriage, you can try marriage counseling. But at this point, I don't think a soul out there could blame you if you were done.
 
I'm sorry to hear this Hun -hugs- I'd feel the exact same way tbh.
I think you both need time maybe, mostly for you, to have a good old think. and maybe marriage counselling, like others have said.

At the end of the day it's your marriage. Some people aren't particularly bothered about things like this.. But I know I would be. -hugs again-
 
If my husband did this, he wouldn't be able to have kids after I had done! I am so sorry you are going through this but I certainly wouldn't blame you if you decided you were done!!
 
You poor thing. I can't imagine how devastating this has been for you. I also second the counseling. If he's not very good at expressing his feelings, it's all the more reason for y'all to get yourself in with a professional. I'd consider what it means if one or neither of you are interested in taking that step... Guys can be real thoughtless a-holes sometimes, and liquor doesn't make anyone smarter. I would be right where you are, absolutely heartbroken and beyond pissed. But to be 100% honest, I don't think I would let this be the end to my own marriage. It would take a lot of counseling and things would probably never be exactly the same, but I don't think I would leave my husband because of it. If he had sex with someone else, there'd be no question. Those are my thoughts, but you should do whatever is healthiest for you. I think you'll find support regardless of your decision. No one would think of you less for staying or leaving.
 
Thank you everyone for your kind words and comments.

Still really devastated. I don't know whether to bring up marriage counselling or not. Do you think I should give it more time first? It's only been 9 days since I found out. In that time, things haven't really moved forward though.

I spent a night away at a friend's and he spent a night in the spare bed, and we're back in the same bed but I'm sleeping fully clothed which I never do and I won't let him touch me or anything. If he comes near me I want to hit him.

last night I wore my onesie to bed (been wearing trousers and t-shirts) and he made a mickey taking comment like it was a joke i'm ashamed of my own body and embarrassed and self-conscious because of what he's done.
He said "ooooh so it's a onesie tonight is it?"
Made me so angry.
 
He said "ooooh so it's a onesie tonight is it?"
Made me so angry.

This would piss me off beyond belief. Seems like he's trying to make you feel bad or make fun of you for being angry, which he has no right to do. I would kick him out of the bed.
 
grrrrr this makes me very angry! how dare he act like that! especially with the onesie comment!
first of all i am so sorry he has done this to you, what a prick! i cant even imagine being in your shoes it makes me feel sick so god knows how you are feeling :hugs:
i think ultimately you need to decide if its something you can move past and forgive him for, you dont deserve to have it playing on your mind forever
i also think he is acting totally inappropriately, i mean i dont know what he is doing apart from what you have said but if he is genuinely sorry (which he should be knowing how you feel about it) he should be grovelling like hell to you!
i hope you can decide what you really want, it must be so hard as you obviously love him but that is just awful and it will be so hard to move past... especially considering you were about to start ttc!
men can be just awful sometimes, i hope you get everything sorted whats best for you xx
 
:hugs: I'm so sorry you're in this situation.

I think his onesie comment was unnecessary and hurtful. It almost seems like he's trying to make light of how you feel.

I would be feeling exactly as you are. My DH is due to go to a stag do soon and there was talk of a strip club which I'm not very happy about (not so much the club, but the thought of private dances). He has said he won't go if it bothers me, and it does, although I don't want to tell him what to do (I started another thread about it as I wasn't sure how I felt). I'd be gutted if he promised me one thing and then did another.

I guess what I'm saying is that there are two bits that bother me about it. The naked lady in a private room bit is just....yuk, but almost worse for me would be the fact that he knew how you felt about it all and had seen how upset you were last time and still did it again, twice! It begs the question; what would the consequences need to be for him to NOT do it? That's what would bother me the most.

I don't know what I'd do in your position. I suppose if the rest of your relationship is great and there's this one issue it would be worth trying counselling or something to work through it, but as other posters have said, no one would blame you for walking away either.

Is there anywhere you could go for a few days to get away from him and think it through (and maybe make him realise you mean business)?
 

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