Well, I guess I'll be here for a while after all.

[prettybirdy27]

Today is the day that OH and I planned to start trying. We were planning for three months. However, last night, I talked to my mother in law about some fears I have - my own mom has passed away, so I usually go to my mother in law about mom stuff.

Instead of trying to talk me through my fears, she spent half an hour exaggerating them, making me feel terrible, and telling me how I need to change my husband - her own son. She moved on to "reassure" me that "At least I will be better than one of those 17 year old crack whore moms."

She wrapped it up by telling me how much hope she has about my husbands brother and their wife having kids. They're 3 years older.


That's when I was crying at the table, so we left.

To top it off, we came home to a letter from my dad begging us to go out and enjoy being young because "it ends much sooner than you think." He has previously told me that my life will end once I have kids.

I was so heartbroken and deflated by the time I got home. My husband and I talked about it and we decided it would be best to wait because neither of us want to move forward without the support of our parents.

So we decided to just wait and discuss it again in six months. I feel so terrible and deflated. But I guess if other people look at us and believe it's not our time, then maybe they're seeing something we're not, and maybe they're right.

 

[ChiiBaby]

I hope in six month theyre happy about the thought :hugs

If you ever need to talk you can always message me

 

[calliebaby]

In all reality, it's you and your husbands decision. Your each others immediate family now. Sure, support is helpful, but they don't have vows with you. You and your husband should do what's right for you...not what others make you think is ok.
((hugs))

 

[kksy9b]

I'm sorry that your parents have deflated you so much. Like the pp said, this is something that only you and your husband can decide. If you need to wait then by all means wait until you feel more emotionally ready. But do it for YOU and not for them. Their support may never come before you are pregnant. If it is a must have thing and they never voice it, are you prepared to not have children? What will you do if in 6 months nothing has changed? Take some time to separate yourself from the conversation/letter because right now its probably all you can think about. But then ask yourself the questions above and reevaluate then.

It is a terrible thing for your dad to have said...do you really think he means it though? If given the option do you think he would wish you and (if you have them) your siblings away? Do you think he feels that his life ended when you came along? I would venture to say no.

Life does not end, it simply changes. Yes, there are sacrifices that are made and times when it is difficult but what you gain is so much more. When your little one is here and snuggled up in your arms and you look down at this beautiful baby that you created, none of what has happened will matter. I know it feels overwhelming now, but ultimately you won't care about what was said before. Your priority will be your sweet babe and husband. And your parents will fall in love with that little one.

My DH and I were engaged at 19 and married at 20. My mom told us to wait for YEARS and honestly it was kind of nice. Everyone else would bombard us with "when are you having kids" but she gave us the freedom to have a life without them for awhile. And she continued to say it until we announced we were pregnant. And didn't you know that she burst into tears of happiness for us and absolutely dotes on my son now.

Can I ask what some of your fears are? I know we are just random people on the internet, but we are here to help support and lift you up on your journey. No matter what, do what feels best and right to you

 

[prettybirdy27]

@kksy9b

Thank you for your very considerate and thought out response. Also thank you to the others that responded with their support.

I've had some time to think since I posted this. My husband and I talked it over quite a bit, and we decided the hell with it, we want a baby. And if my mother in law doesn't like it, well, she can shove it (sorry to be crude.) We also realized that if she doesn't support us now, she won't support us in 6 months, so why wait?

The three biggest things that upset me about the chat she had with me are these: 1. it seemed like she thought OH and I hadn't thought about any of this and that we just woke up one day and decided to have a baby, which is not true. We have been talking seriously about it for months now, and she greatly exaggerated my fears to slow me up and try to keep me from making a "rash" decision. 2. She seemed so very excited about her other son having kids, I saw a joy fill her eyes when she talked about them. When she went back to talking about us, her eyes filled with dread and she seemed very alarmed. 3. She picked apart my husband - her own son - and absolutely raked him over the coals. I was completely blindsided by that and defended him the best I could, but she still insisted that I need to change him, and she actually offered to whip her phone out right there at the table and tell him all this.

As for my dad, I know that he doesn't regret that he had me and my sister, and he wouldn't wish us away. But he has told us for years and years that his biggest regret in life is that he and mom jumped right into building a house and having babies after getting married instead of spending time enjoying being married, and he thinks it ruined their marriage. They had a very tumultuous marriage, and both my sister and I were fully aware that they were only together for our sake and that they'd split up after we were both out of the house. As it happened, mom passed away before we moved out, but seeing such a sad marriage did make a huge impact on us. For this reason, my dad has given both me and my sister a large chunk of money every year specifically to travel - it always comes with the strict stipulation that we are NOT to save even a penny of it - that we are to take it and see the world. And I am extremely thankful that he has done that - I have gotten to do things and go places I never thought possible. But I don't know at what point he'll feel like I've done and seen "enough" and will be ready to settle down. The fact that he actually said to me that life "ends" sooner than you think (wink wink) was most likely him just trying to be funny, but it was rooted in his own resentment.

They keep saying we're too young as well - we're both 27. Both of our sets of parents didn't start having kids until they were in their 30s and they feel we should do the same. However, both my OH and I want to be a little younger because both of us vividly remember times in our childhood where our parents weren't able to keep up with us, when the younger parents of our friends were able to keep up with them. I'm by no means saying that 30s is too old for kids, but I feel like I'll be better able to keep up with kids than my parents were able to keep up with me.

My fears:

- I'm terrified of screwing up my marriage. I was terrified of this even before OH and I were married over a year ago. I'm pretty sure it comes from seeing how terrible my parent's marriage was, but I just still can't shake the fear. Our marriage is rock solid, but I keep thinking that my parent's marriage was probably rock solid once too.

- Money. My biggest fear of money was childcare costs - centers in my area cost up to $1k a month, which is NOT in our budget. However, since I posted this, I started investigating home daycares around me, and found some for as cheap as $500 a month, which made me feel a lot better. However, money is still a big concern.

- I am afraid to bring a third person into our lives that really and truly is a stranger. Maybe this is something I don't know since I have no kids, but I feel like when your baby comes, you can't really get to know them, know who they are as a person, until you can start talking to them. So I'm nervous to bring in a person that we won't really know who they are for a while.

- I'm scared of what will happen to my body. It has taken me almost my whole life to start liking and accepting my body, and now it's all going to change?

 

[KalonKiki]

I believe that the decision lies with you and your husband and it is no one else's business. If you guys didn't want kids right now they'd be begging you to have them, the world is full of hypocrites. My DF and I are great parents but no one is supportive of us having another (with the exception of my father who believes we should be trying sooner than we plan to) probably only because we have expressed our desire to try for #2 in a couple of years. The world is full of hypocrites and instead of doing what everyone else thinks that you should do you and your DH should do what you want to do and what will make you happy because it's your lives and your marriage. I wouldn't let everyone else's lack of support get to you, I'm sure they'd be excited once you got pregnant and in their own misguided way they're only trying to help. It is true that you have a lot less time for things when you have a child, more than you could ever expect or prepare for but I guarantee you that no good parent that loves their children would give them up for all of the parties and vacations in the world. I'm sorry that you've been so upset about this lately and I hope that you and your DH can come to a solution about TTC that you are both happy with soon.

 

[tverb84]

I don't think it's right for your dad to say your life ends when you have kids. Sure it changes in ways you never thought and can't do things you did before having children. If I knew I was ready to have children and wanted them I would even without the approval of my parents. It's my life not theirs.

 

[KalonKiki]

@kksy9b

Thank you for your very considerate and thought out response. Also thank you to the others that responded with their support.

I've had some time to think since I posted this. My husband and I talked it over quite a bit, and we decided the hell with it, we want a baby. And if my mother in law doesn't like it, well, she can shove it (sorry to be crude.) We also realized that if she doesn't support us now, she won't support us in 6 months, so why wait?

The three biggest things that upset me about the chat she had with me are these: 1. it seemed like she thought OH and I hadn't thought about any of this and that we just woke up one day and decided to have a baby, which is not true. We have been talking seriously about it for months now, and she greatly exaggerated my fears to slow me up and try to keep me from making a "rash" decision. 2. She seemed so very excited about her other son having kids, I saw a joy fill her eyes when she talked about them. When she went back to talking about us, her eyes filled with dread and she seemed very alarmed. 3. She picked apart my husband - her own son - and absolutely raked him over the coals. I was completely blindsided by that and defended him the best I could, but she still insisted that I need to change him, and she actually offered to whip her phone out right there at the table and tell him all this.

As for my dad, I know that he doesn't regret that he had me and my sister, and he wouldn't wish us away. But he has told us for years and years that his biggest regret in life is that he and mom jumped right into building a house and having babies after getting married instead of spending time enjoying being married, and he thinks it ruined their marriage. They had a very tumultuous marriage, and both my sister and I were fully aware that they were only together for our sake and that they'd split up after we were both out of the house. As it happened, mom passed away before we moved out, but seeing such a sad marriage did make a huge impact on us. For this reason, my dad has given both me and my sister a large chunk of money every year specifically to travel - it always comes with the strict stipulation that we are NOT to save even a penny of it - that we are to take it and see the world. And I am extremely thankful that he has done that - I have gotten to do things and go places I never thought possible. But I don't know at what point he'll feel like I've done and seen "enough" and will be ready to settle down. The fact that he actually said to me that life "ends" sooner than you think (wink wink) was most likely him just trying to be funny, but it was rooted in his own resentment.

They keep saying we're too young as well - we're both 27. Both of our sets of parents didn't start having kids until they were in their 30s and they feel we should do the same. However, both my OH and I want to be a little younger because both of us vividly remember times in our childhood where our parents weren't able to keep up with us, when the younger parents of our friends were able to keep up with them. I'm by no means saying that 30s is too old for kids, but I feel like I'll be better able to keep up with kids than my parents were able to keep up with me.

My fears:

- I'm terrified of screwing up my marriage. I was terrified of this even before OH and I were married over a year ago. I'm pretty sure it comes from seeing how terrible my parent's marriage was, but I just still can't shake the fear. Our marriage is rock solid, but I keep thinking that my parent's marriage was probably rock solid once too.

- Money. My biggest fear of money was childcare costs - centers in my area cost up to $1k a month, which is NOT in our budget. However, since I posted this, I started investigating home daycares around me, and found some for as cheap as $500 a month, which made me feel a lot better. However, money is still a big concern.

- I am afraid to bring a third person into our lives that really and truly is a stranger. Maybe this is something I don't know since I have no kids, but I feel like when your baby comes, you can't really get to know them, know who they are as a person, until you can start talking to them. So I'm nervous to bring in a person that we won't really know who they are for a while.

- I'm scared of what will happen to my body. It has taken me almost my whole life to start liking and accepting my body, and now it's all going to change?

This is going to sound incredibly corny, but I promise you that your child will not feel like a stranger to you after he/she is born. You also do get to know them as a person long before they start talking. My DS just turned a year old and only says about 4 words (kind of) and I know that his favorite color is red, his favorite music is J-pop, his favorite shape is a circle, and he's a morning person. He has so many other personality traits that make him, well, him that I could list but I think that I've proven my point. Anyway, when he was born I felt like their was never a time that he wasn't a part of my life.

Also every woman is different with how pregnancy and giving birth affects and changes her body and the type of birth that she has will also play a role. You won't ever look the same again, but different doesn't necessarily mean bad. Sure I have stretch marks and my boobs sag a little from breast feeding but I also weight 20 lbs less than my prepregnancy weight and my DF still thinks that I'm beautiful. You learn to love your post pregnancy body, it's not like anyone but your husband is going to see it anyway.

Money is always a big concern but you learn to budget for a baby and what you have work. Is their any way that you could afford to stay home? Any way that either of you could get a better job and/or make more money of receive a promotion? Is there any way that you can cut any expenses down in certain areas to make room for a baby?

I'm glad that you and your husband have talked it out and that you plan to do what you want and what will make you happy. I promise that you will love being a mom and you will look back on this time and laugh and how silly you were for all of your worrying.

Good luck and lots of hun.

 

[kksy9b]

This will be a bit long... baby is asleep and I have time to use both hands to type instead of one finger pecking at the keys while he nurses Got to keep that WPM speed going lol

Yay! Congratulations on making your decision...it is one that you will not regret!! I hope that your TTC journey is a short one

Your MIL sounds like an...interesting...woman. 1) None of her business what you and your husband do. A baby is the biggest and greatest joy and that she doesn't see that, I feel, reflects a lot on her character. 2) Oh gosh.. I can't imagine how that must have hurt. Has his brother and wife had fertility issues? If so, maybe it just stems from a desire to see them succeed? That is no excuse for her not being excited for you, but there could be another reason why she is overly excited for them 3)WOW. just wow. you can't change people...and if you felt like he needed to be changed, you wouldn't have married him. If he isn't how she envisioned him to be than that is all on her. As long as your husband treats you with respect and all that comes with that, if you guys are happy, she should be happy. Really sounds like she likes stirring the pot and seeing what happens. I would just flat out ignore her

So I can understand more of why your dad would say what he did. It seems to me like it would have happened eventually anyways for one thing or another. Having kids REALLY tests you without a doubt. But if you were meant to be together, then you find a way to deal with it and move forward with one another. Him projecting his regrets or frustrations onto you is not right, but just keep in mind that every experience is different. You may not have had a great example of marriage growing up, but you did see what NOT to do. And what a unique and crazy opportunity he has given you! That is awesome that you have gotten to travel and see so many unique places. What has been your favorite?

For your fears- my goodness can I relate!! I was pretty much in your EXACT position two years ago. And i turned 27 a month after my son was born earlier this year... it's a good age lol.

1. Marriage. Hands down the single biggest test of our relationship has been navigating becoming parents. We knew going in that we would have a hard time but you never REALLY know what it will be like until it's there. And for us, it snuck up slowly and then suddenly broke. It happened so subtly it took us 2 weeks after things really broke to figure out it had happened.The thing is that you have a baby and your whole world revolves around that baby. And it needs to. This is a tiny human who is dependent on you for every single thing in their life. And you're sleep deprived and hormonal and healing and all the energy you have goes to the baby. Anything that's left over goes to a shower and brushing your teeth. There isn't anything left for your husband. And for awhile this is okay. You're in the "honeymoon" stage of having a baby where you are just in awe. And you expect for the first 6-8 weeks to be hard... I think a lot of people are probably prepared for that. But once you get past those newborn weeks is, in my opinion, when it gets difficult. When you're physically healing and emotionally hormones are starting to balance. You're starting to (hopefully) get a bit more sleep and establish a routine. This is when your husband will start to think "ah! now i can get my wife back" But you will still be in "all about baby" stage because nothing has changed- this little person still needs you for everything. And over time that causes a break between you guys. For me and my DH, I wasn't giving him the attention that he needed emotionally or physically. And I felt like he had no clue what I was going through on a daily basis and how draining it is to take care of our DS. Eventually we were able to talk through all of this and figure it out. And we have been back to normal for the last month and it has been amazing. That was all my experience, I am sure yours will be totally different. Just go in knowing that it will be rough. You just have to put your head down, push through, always ALWAYS keep the communication flowing between you and really know/believe/fight to get through that time. You'll come out the other side stronger and more in tune with one another than ever before.

2. I am a SAHM. I absolutely wanted to do so irregardless. However, it was solidified when we realized that practically my entire paycheck would go to daycare. A few years ago we started trimming back our expenses. We use an online budgeting tool to help us track every dollar we spend. We can see month to month the areas that we overspend in and have been able to adjust our spending in specific areas. Outside of the mortgage our biggest expense is food. To help save we started to do the bulk of our grocery shopping at discount stores like Aldi and Save-A-Lot. Our grocery bill dropped by hundreds of dollars by making this change.My point is, you always will find a way to make it work. There may be things you can trim back to help offset daycare costs without realizing it now.

3. Going to flip the last two of your concerns around. I was SO worried about what would happen to my body with a baby. I have never had a ton of confidence in myself. I was 20 pounds overweight going into pregnancy and was terrified of how much I would gain. A good friend of mine who was the same height and only slightly heavier than me gained 70. Honestly, for most of it, there isn't much you can do. The weight will go on how it does and your body WILL change. You can though do some walking or swimming is fantastic in pregnancy. After the first trimester you can make healthy snack choices (during first tri, some people are so sensitive to food... you just eat what sounds good and can get down!). A lot of people say that you eat for two. NOT TRUE! You only need 300 extra calories (assuming a single baby in there) a day. That's a medium sized apple. You don't HAVE to go crazy with it. Keep in mind everyone is different- I gained 16 lbs with my pregnancy. It was gone by 6 weeks pp, though things had shifted and I have had to learn what looks good on me now. And I have stretch marks. I was so worried about these but you know what- I wear them like a badge of honor. It means that I grew a baby....and if some marks and some pudge where there used to not be any means that I get to have my sweet boy...then it's a small price to pay. It is difficult as you change, but this little person makes it all so worth it.

4. Oh honey, you will not have a stranger in your house. From the moment you see the second line, to the heart beat, to the first scan, the first kick....you will know this child more intimately than you have ever, or will ever,know anybody else, including your husband. Their personality comes through when they are still in your belly. Their likes and dislikes, whether they will be laid back or active. My son hates hiccups. The first time he got them when I felt them he stayed calm for a minute and then started kicking and moving like CRAZY. And then every single time it happened after that (only about 5 times a day) he would do the same thing. And now, as an almost 6 month old he gets so ANNOYED by them. He is stubborn and funny. Like legitimately funny. He tries to cover his farts with sighs and then peeks uo at you with these grear big eyes to see if you noticed. He has a beautiful grin and is a shameless flirt with older ladies (he has a lock on the grandma crowd). He is determined. He was smiling and had head control at 3 weeks, sitting at 4 months and just today can stand himself up. He is curious about everything. He wants to touch and feel everything new. Yes, he doesn't speak words to me, but he does communicate. You learn their cries and their babbles and they clearly tell you what they want and don't want, just in their own way. This person is the furthest thing from a stranger to me. I know who he is more than anyone else in the entire world. It is an indescribable bond that you have with your baby. Please just take my word... this fear you need not worry about.

Sorry this is so ridiculously long. I can just really relate to where you are and want to offer whatever reassurances that I can. You got this... you'll be a great mom and your LO will be so very lucky

 

[Catalyst]

It is your choice your baby. It is good to have suport from your family but you should not make your choice on their opinion. They cant feel how you feel about beeing ready to have a kid. Some parents are never ready for their kids to have their own kids. You might have to wait for a long time.
I dont see how much different my life would be without my boys. Yes I would spend mutch more time sleeping haha and just haning around and yes they take time but still major part is the same just with them. I have traveled, i go out with my friends and so on even if I have kids. I am not just a mom I am also a person, a wife, a friend and so on. So no life doesnt end unless you think it will

For me I would never let my folks make my decision for me. I would ask for advice and opinion and i do that alot. Good to get another point of view but in the end I make my choices for me.

how you write that you are devestated about this sounds to me like you realy realy want this and that you do want a child.. if you think you can take care of one why wait for others to get ready? they wont have to take care of the baby, you will!