What Do I Do?

[kytwinmom]

So I am a mom to twin boys that are going on two years old. They will be two in April. They were born preemie at 24 weeks gestation. One of my sons, Jayden, is the worst behaved one of the two. I cannot leave the room without him screaming and throwing a temper tantrum. This happens throughout the day and at night especially when he's being put to bed. I'm at a loss! I have no idea what to do for him! Any advice?

 

[housewifey]

Naughty chair worked for us amazingly, the threat is enough of a warning now lol. If you do it firm and consistent from the start, you wont have to use it often.

- Give 1 clear warning and state that if the same behaviour happens again that day, they will go on naught chair/step/circle/corner
- If/ when it happens again, tell them I am putting you on the naughty chair because of X and say you will sit her for X minutes (1 minute per year of age)
- Remove all toys and distractions from around them and then ignore for the 2 minutes, even if they are screaming just let them get frustration out before going back.
- when you go back, ask them to reflect back on what they done and why it was bad, make sure they apologise and have a kiss and a cuddle at the end
- forget about it after that, don't let it ruin your day hope that helps

 

[kytwinmom]

Well, it seems like a good idea....only they aren't yet talking so we couldn't ask them to reflect on what they did and why it was bad. Would this still be effective if after the time out, we just told them why it was bad and then gave them a cuddle/kiss?

 

[CMarie]

Well, it seems like a good idea....only they aren't yet talking so we couldn't ask them to reflect on what they did and why it was bad. Would this still be effective if after the time out, we just told them why it was bad and then gave them a cuddle/kiss?

This is why I won't use a "naughty chair" or time-out on my LO right now, but possibly ever (he's still not talking). If they can't communicate with you then they have NO way of expressing how they feel besides crying, tantrums, etc. Yes, the way they are acting isn't right, but I don't believe it's fair to tell my LO that he's being "bad" when he has no way of telling me what's wrong besides acting out. Instead of shutting them down when they are trying to express how they feel, we need to teach them better ways of expressing those emotions. I know a lot of parents won't agree with this, especially at 2.5 years old, but I would personally avoid time-out or naughty chair and the threat of using them.

My LO is 19 months old and he's starting to throw some pretty intense tantrums lately himself. I find that trying to figure out the root cause of the tantrum is better than punishing him for acting out when he can't even explain to me what he needs. So I go through a list in my head . . is he hungry, is he thirsty, is he bored/unstimulated, does he need mommy time, is he in pain (teething), is he not feeling well . . I run through that list and try to make sure each need is met. Majority of the time my LO acts out, one of those needs isn't being met and as soon as I do something, he's fine. You could also try distracting LO before you leave the room. Set him up with some toys, books, or even a movie I hope this helps!

 

[ayls]

I learn a lot from this thread, my son just turned two last month. And it is really difficult to manage his tantrums at times. Sometimes, it takes away all my patient.

 

[kytwinmom]

I understand that they can't communicate clearly just yet and this is his way of communicating with me, but it's almost always the worst when it is bedtime and there isn't anything at all wrong with him. He has already had plenty of mommy time (gets mommy time all throughout the day as I'm a stay at home mommy), he's just been fed dinner a few hours before and goes to bed right after getting a Pediasure bottle (due to them being small from being premature their pediatrician has them on Pediasure to get their growth caught up), he isn't teething right now (he's going through a rest period of not teething right now), he isn't sick, he isn't bored, and I don't believe in letting them go to sleep with the television on because it's bad for their eyes to watch tv in the dark room. I believe in having them on a set bedtime routine and schedule and want them to maintain this schedule. But, Jayden doesn't want to maintain this schedule and this is when these tantrums come about the most.

At other times, the tantrums come when he starts to get rough when playing and I stop him and tell him no. Then he will throw himself down and start to scream/yell and just hit me some more if he is within reach. I try to stay out of reach of him when he wants to hit and just reinforce the "no", but it seems this isn't working. He was in the NICU the longest and I wasn't able to be in the NICU with him all of the time he was in there, so I'm wondering if he could possibly have some separation anxiety when he's throwing these tantrums when I go to leave the room? Other times I think it's just because he is angry that he isn't getting his way.

 

[kytwinmom]

Oh and I'm not the only person that he will get rough with. He does this the most when he is sleepy and we are cuddling. He reaches up and hits/grabs my face and pulls down. He thinks it is funny when someone says ouch that hurts and then he will do it again and when you tell him no the second time that's when the temper tantrum starts. I know he may be doing this because he's confused as to why he can't play rough, but I honestly don't know what to do when this happens other than to sit him down and tell him that it's okay to express how he is feeling, but it isn't okay to hit people and give him a small time out that is appropriate for his age.

 

[Natsku]

Well there's lots of different methods. I find that time out/naughty chair works really well with Maria but doesn't with every child. You have to be really consistent with it though. Maria doesn't talk well enough to reflect on what she has done so I explain to her what was wrong with her behaviour and ask her to give me a cuddle to say sorry but most of the time I only have to give her the warning and she will stop what she was doing and give me a cuddle and then I redirect her to something else.

With tantrums I act differently for different kinds of tantrums. If Maria is tantrumming because she is frustrated because for instance she can't manage to do something (like make a toy work the way she wants it to) then I try and help her do it and if thats not possible then I try to distract her from what was frustrating her.
If its a tantrum because she wants something she can't have or wants to do something she shouldn't (like playing too rough in your example) then I just explain why she can't have/do it and then tell her I won't listen to her tantrum and walk away. I only just started doing this, before I would try and calm her down, reason with her etc but it was only making her more upset. Now I ignore it she calms down very quickly.

 

[_Vicky_]

My twin Fynn was (and is) higher maintenance than his Brother - bedtimes were a trial too he would kick off and not want to go to bed etc etc he was never aggressive though. I think it's it's particularly hard tompunish as taking away any kind of privilege effects the twin like TV etc etc. I just powered through and it all resolves itself in time - do you have a baby too? If LO is tiny it may be reaction toonew baby too?

Fynn got loads easier when he started talking xxx

 

[_Vicky_]

I also wonder if NICU makes them more needy as Fynn was in NICU for three weeks and Sam came straight home. I also think you DO have to allow for the fact that they never ever get much 1-2-1 time as twins - I try and treat each boy as an individual but it's hard and you also have a tiny baby in the mix!!

I never did any kind of crying it out at bedtime - could he be tired and need a slightly earlier bedtime? Fynn is worse when tired xxx

 

[kytwinmom]

He has been doing this since way before LO arrived so I'm fairly certain it isn't because of the new baby. Their bedtime is already relatively early and no matter if he is really tired or not he is still really really difficult at bedtime and sometimes really difficult during the day. He did have a really bad brain bleed during his NICU stay and also had hydrocephalus and had to have a shunt placed, so I have worried about him being mentally challenged as well. I feel like sometimes it's just pure seperation anxiety when I leave the room and he starts screaming and crying because as soon as I turn around and act like I'm not leaving the room he instantly calms down but as soon as I turn back around to walk out of the room and he thinks I'm leaving the crying and screaming starts again. I'm spending as much quality one on one time as I can with him and honestly have to spend a little more time with him, because he is more developmentally delayed than his twin and we have therapy sessions with the therapists and then I work with him individually in between therapist visits, so he does get slightly more attention than his twin.

Could this giving him more one on one time with him be making him worse? I mean I'm all for cuddling and lovey dovey time, but I have to try to be as equally loving and cuddly with his twin and the LO, too. I'm not really sure what I should do in his case, but his physical therapist seems to think he could have some sensory problems due to him lashing out and being violent with us, so we are working on getting an OT in to evaluate him and I guess we will go from there. Has anyone had a child with sensory problems? What advice would you give?

 

[_Vicky_]

Hmmm sounds like you are doing all you can sweetie. There is a special needs board on here that may have people with experience in sensory issues I don't have any I am afraid - I will get the link for you

 

[_Vicky_]

Here you go https://babyandbump.momtastic.com/special-needs/

 

[hattiehippo]

If he is particularly bad before bedtime then I would say tiredness is a major Tantrum trigger for him - my LO has been throwing tantrums for 2 yrs now and being tired always makes him much worse.

But it does sound like you need look into sensory processing issues with him too due to his birth history and developmental delay. if he's getting overwhelmed easily by noises, colours, the feel of things around him, he might be relying on you to make him feel safe and secure and then find it hard when you're not there.

I hope you find something that helps.