What do you do when your partner lies?

[LoraLoo]

I guess this may have been better in a different forum but seeing as I'm pregnant and it's stressing me out, I'm posting here!

Aaron smoked when i met him, I've always hated smoking, but hey ho. He quit when Eve died and I was so proud of him. Over the last couple of years I have had a feeling he is smoking again- I've smelt it, found lighters etc. He did admit that on the odd occassion he had bought some when he was stressed.

I have asked him over and over again lately if he is smoking again and he always says no. This morning, my 2 year old found a pack of 10 stashed in the bathroom

Why lie? Thats what I cannot understand. Why look me in the face and swear he isn't smoking, make me out to be paranoid and imagining things, when he clearly is?

Here I am panicing I'm going to wake up and find this baby dead, and he is doing probably the single worst thing you can as a parent, then lying about it.

I have recently cancelled Sky, My telephone (so no doubt internet will be off soon) for us to save a bit of money. I don't go out, don't smoke, can't drink....yet its ok for him to spend money on drink and now smoke that we can't afford?

Apart from this we have a great relationship but I won't put up with being lied to, and don't know where to go from here?

 

[Jennifaerie]

that's rubbish has he said why he has been smoking? Is it a regular thing or just the odd one?

I wonder if he stresses and worries about the bubba too and that's why? I wouldn't make any big decisions while you're pg as we're emotional and hormonal (even more so with what happened with your beautiful DD Eve!) I would maybe offer to help him get support from docs and let him know it won't be tolerated!

 

[hulahoop09]

I would confront him! Going through what you have I think it is bad that he has started up again especially lying to you! He needs to quit it hun! Even for your peace of mind. Xx

 

[amybet]

Perhaps it is stress
you need to talk
i agree with the first comment
goodluck
let us no what happens
xx

 

[levichips]

i'd be pretty annoyed hun like you said why lie about it!! i'm really not sure what i'd do in that situation tbh but just wanted to say hope you manage to sort things out hun xxx

 

[LoraLoo]

that's rubbish has he said why he has been smoking? Is it a regular thing or just the odd one?

I wonder if he stresses and worries about the bubba too and that's why? I wouldn't make any big decisions while you're pg as we're emotional and hormonal (even more so with what happened with your beautiful DD Eve!) I would maybe offer to help him get support from docs and let him know it won't be tolerated!

He is stressed, we have lost Eve, his younger brother Commited Suicide at 25 years old last year and his Mum died in July. He's also working his arse off day and night to get the house finished before LO arrives. I do understand that, and I do appreciate what he does for us, but its the lying I hate. Its hard to know how much he smokes as he wont talk about it, and says its all in my head But we have a joint account...and when i look through statements its always the same amount he has spent in the shop when he goes to get a few drinks (ok- realise i probably sound like a right paranoid snitch now ) and its more than the lager he buys. Also find lighters n stuff in his pocket and theres always an excuse, but I'm not daft. I just wouldn't lie to him, we have been together over 12 years fgs, I thought he respected me more than that? xx

 

[allaboard]

I know as an ex smoker (many times!) that it's easy to start up again, but from the sounds of it he's doing it part time and trying to save your feelings too, so there is an element of respect for you there. I HATE lying too, like, hate it. I'd feel the same as you about what he's done. He probably knows it's going to upset you so doesn't want to admit it as he probably also knows that smoking is linked to SIDS, and what parent wants to feel responsible for this happening. He must be very stressed, but he has to tell you when he feels like having one. Out of interest, how would you feel if he DID tell you and then DID have one ie you knew? is that better than not telling you?

 

[Jennifaerie]

He is stressed, we have lost Eve, his younger brother Commited Suicide at 25 years old last year and his Mum died in July. He's also working his arse off day and night to get the house finished before LO arrives. I do understand that, and I do appreciate what he does for us, but its the lying I hate. Its hard to know how much he smokes as he wont talk about it, and says its all in my head But we have a joint account...and when i look through statements its always the same amount he has spent in the shop when he goes to get a few drinks (ok- realise i probably sound like a right paranoid snitch now ) and its more than the lager he buys. Also find lighters n stuff in his pocket and theres always an excuse, but I'm not daft. I just wouldn't lie to him, we have been together over 12 years fgs, I thought he respected me more than that? xx

Ah bugger has he not even owned up now? I would confront him with the pack and let him know that you need him to stop and you'll help him to do so if he will just tell you how much/ how often he's smoking?

He has probably lied because he knows how much you hate it (totally wrong I agree) but maybe let him know that it's the lying you can't cope with xx

 

[LoraLoo]

I know as an ex smoker (many times!) that it's easy to start up again, but from the sounds of it he's doing it part time and trying to save your feelings too, so there is an element of respect for you there. I HATE lying too, like, hate it. I'd feel the same as you about what he's done. He probably knows it's going to upset you so doesn't want to admit it as he probably also knows that smoking is linked to SIDS, and what parent wants to feel responsible for this happening. He must be very stressed, but he has to tell you when he feels like having one. Out of interest, how would you feel if he DID tell you and then DID have one ie you knew? is that better than not telling you?

Honestly? I'd be pissed off...but if he is going to do it, he's going to do it, and I'd rather know. At least that way I can try and help him....at least there wont be this lying going on, me accusing him, him denying it, making me out to be imagining things, me doubting myself and then feeling bad for thinking he would lie to me (which he obviously is/has been) x

 

[allaboard]

I know as an ex smoker (many times!) that it's easy to start up again, but from the sounds of it he's doing it part time and trying to save your feelings too, so there is an element of respect for you there. I HATE lying too, like, hate it. I'd feel the same as you about what he's done. He probably knows it's going to upset you so doesn't want to admit it as he probably also knows that smoking is linked to SIDS, and what parent wants to feel responsible for this happening. He must be very stressed, but he has to tell you when he feels like having one. Out of interest, how would you feel if he DID tell you and then DID have one ie you knew? is that better than not telling you?

Honestly? I'd be pissed off...but if he is going to do it, he's going to do it, and I'd rather know. At least that way I can try and help him....at least there wont be this lying going on, me accusing him, him denying it, making me out to be imagining things, me doubting myself and then feeling bad for thinking he would lie to me (which he obviously is/has been) x

Perhaps you need to tell him this, as then there is no need to lie to you and this is obviously the most hurtful thing. It might make his less inclined to do it if he's not got a reason to sneak off or hide his fags, then he'll get it out of his system and maybe you can help him deal with his stress head on as and when he feels like that... reverse psychology eh!

 

[LoraLoo]

Thank You ladies xx

 

[2RockinBoys]

I would confront him about it, but not get angry/annoyed. Stay calm and just hand him the pack of cigg's that were found in the bathroom and say something along the line's of "Try to keep them out of the kid's reach please", just so he know's you know!!

 

[janeybaby]

I would confront him with the pack and remain calm but tell him with what has happened in the past you feel upset that he is smoking but worst still not owning up to it. Tell him you would rather he be honest about it so you can try to support him through not lighting up when he has the urge etc... Also ask him to seek advice from the GP, there are pills out now that can suppress the urge.. Also remind him that as a non smoker you can smell it on his clothes and breath regardless of how many times he has washed/sprayed or how many mints he's had etc....

I think you have been very patient considering your feelings and past experience. I think if I was in your shoes I would be so annoyed that he could risk everything that I would probably kick him out and tell him he won't be allowed near the new baby ever I'm more likely to snap than have the patients to be lied too!!

 

[LoraLoo]

I phoned him earlier and said that Amy had found them in the bathroom, he went quiet and just said 'Oh. Right. They were from ages ago' I replied 'Thats funny, seeing as I gutted the bathroom 2 days ago'. Not sure what this ages ago thing is about anyway since its almost 4 years since he quit

I said I asked you last night if you had, had one, and you swore you hadn't, and he said 'But I hadn't when you asked' I ask him every bloody day! I could feel myself getting upset because he didn't even say sorry and just put the phone down before I said something i might later regret.

I have said over and over that I hate it, I can smell it on him and his clothes but always brushes it off as workmates etc being in a very male industry...and he is the biggest hypocrite of all as he will come back from my Mums and say he can smell it in the house even though she smokes outside!

I know he must think I am a nag, and I probably come across as one, but its not like we can afford it either! I go without- I havent bought any Mat clothes or anything, which i really need, to try and save us money- and yet he feels its ok to spend OUR money on smoking, then lying about it?

I worry massively about SIDS. Although this is not what Eve died from (although we did put her to bed and woke up to find her gone)- it was Meningococcal Septicaemia. Meningococcal is a bacteria we may all carry at some point in the backs of our throats and noses and its spread though coughing/sneezing/kissing etc....but it is mainly carried by smokers. I just have enough stress right now without this.

Not really sure how to approach it when he gets home. He knows how much i hate lying so I dont really know where to go from here?

 

[mummylove]

I can always tell if my OH is lying to me cus he cant look at me in the face

 

[janeybaby]

Take his bank card off him and not allow him access to any money If he is going to lie to you then treat him like a naughty child.... My dad had to do this with my mum as she was buying drink while he was in work and became and alcoholic

I'm not too sure what else to suggest really

 

[Pielette]

I really hate lying too so completely get where you're coming from. I'm not a fan of smoking at all but I'd much rather he was upfront and dealt with the issue instead of hiding it.
I think you need to ask him why he's doing this. Is it stress? If it is, he needs to open up and talk more, and you can tell him that you can help him to do it. If it's the case that it's some sort of release for the whirlwind of emotion he's experiencing, it might be that he doesn't want to burden you with it, which is a typical man thing to do. Bottling it all up cos he thinks that you're better off not knowing, which is patently not true but it's man logic! So you'd need to try and keep calm and talk him through it all, and show him that you're not mad, you just need to know about these things cos without the knowledge you can't do anything about it.
On the other hand, if it's a return to a habit just because it's a habit, that's when I would be getting annoyed and telling him so. If he's simply doing it cos he 'felt like it', that's wasting your money when you clearly make a lot of sacrifices for your family and you expect him to do the same, and to have some consideration for you when it's quite obvious how much you hate it.

 

[Katiie]

I'm scared now, my oh smokes..
Why will you wake up and find your baby dead?

My baby is coming in our room in a Moses basket ...

 

[LoraLoo]

I'm scared now, my oh smokes..
Why will you wake up and find your baby dead?

My baby is coming in our room in a Moses basket ...

My baby was in a moses basket next to my bed too. It happened to me once, im terrified it will happen again. Smoking increases the risks of SIDS as well as other illnesses.

 

[Johns Girl]

Make it clear that the lies are hurting you. Tell him you are willing to accept he smokes but you need him to stop but will support him to do this. He us probably scared to be honest thinking that will hurt mire than the lies. He has lied and then lied about lying and got himself so tangled in lies he feels he can't be honest now.
Stay calm and make a plan with him. He will be scared of you being angry so you need to try not to be. It's one of those situation where you need to swallow your anger and hurt to get things sorted but make it clear how much the lying is hurting you.

Hope you two get through it x