What do you think his rights are?..Please help - i'm going out of my mind!

[smiler85]

Hi there

My story is a bit long and complicated - see my first post to get the full story.

To help you answer this question I will give you an overview.

I am 10weeks pregnant - found out 2 weeks after me and my ex split up I was pregnant. He has just turned 20 and is VERY immature. I am 24.

He has been nothing but vile towards me and emotionally blackmailing/manipulating me.

We have not spoken in over 2 weeks and that is his doing. I text him 2 weeks ago and he never replied. I am sick of chasing him and giving him chances when all he does is treat me like sh*t, stress me out and upset me, so I have decided not to contact him anymore for my own sake.

I do not expect him to contact me at all now. He thinks he can have nothing to do with me until the baby arrives in Oct. His parents have been bad mouthing me and calling my psycho because he told them I am making it up to get him back - I dumped him so I don't know how he got to that conclusion. Hisparents now do not believe I am pregnant but have not contacted me themselves.

Anyway, he tells his family I am making it up, yet to mutual friends he has been saying he "will fight for custody" when the baby is born.

I am going out of my mind with worry as his parents have money and could pay a top solicitor!!!! He does not live in this country as he is serving with the army based in Germany, but moving to Cyprus end of May for 2 years. He has been back in the UK for a few months completing a course before his deployment to Afgan (Nov 09 and leaves end of May 10). We split up in Jan.

He will not be here when the baby is born as he will be serving in Afgan for 6 months (gets deployed 10days before my due date)- so will not be here to bond with the baby.

I would not stop him seeing the baby but he would not be swanning in when he returns thinking he can take the baby away for days at a time when he is back (as I am sure this is what he thinks he can do). 1. he will not have bonded with the baby so to the baby he will be a stranger which will no doubt stress the baby out 2. his friends are not mature or sensible and drink, smoke drugs and spend a lot of time in the pub - he even joked he would take the baby down the pub when he is back so he can still see his mates when he is back (his mates are the reason we split up) 3. as his mates caused us to break up I hold a lot of resentment towards them and do not want my baby around them, esp when they are the reason my baby does not have its daddy 4. he wanted me to have an abortion and told me I ruined his life 5. he said he cannot even look after himself let alone a kid.

No judge would grant his overnight access or unsupervised visits surely?? He will not have bonded with the child and will hardly ever be around to as he lives abroad? Or will the fact he is in the Army make the judge think he is an upstanding member of the public etc and like his parents put him on a ridiculously high pedestal and grant him rights?? He has no respect for women and puts things on his fb like "Joe Bloggs has realised girls like to be screwed, not screwed over".

I read that no judge would grant him overnight rights until the child is 3? Also, as his parents have been so vile in spreading the rubbish I am psycho and making it up I do not want them to have anything to do with my baby - I have a feeling when the baby is born they will rock up and expect to play the doting grandparents without so much of a rejection from me!!

I am worrying so much that I am now asking myself if continuing with this pregnancy is the right thing (part of me knows this is what the ex wants to achieve by the way he's treated me - i.e. treat me like sh*t and i'll have an abortion = he wins).

I am having a really hard time with sickness and nausea and am on tablets for it now as I was off work quite a bit - I do not feel like myself - I am always sick - feel shattered - emotional - scared - lonely - I can't even be bothered to get dressed some days!

I feel as thought he will get his own way - and he doesn't deserve that.

Him and his family will treat me like a dog for the rest of my pregnant, then rock up and take over my baby and I will have no self respect left if I let them. On the other hand, I do not want to fight them.

I will have to buy everything for my baby as I KNOW he will not get in contact now - how is it fair that they then rock up when my baby is born and act like nothing has happened. It makes me so angry.

I do not want my baby born into this. It's not fair - but why should I have to keep being the adult and contact him when all he does is hurt me, stress me out to the point I throw up and get ignored or laughed at for "being desperate".

I have already decided the baby will take my last name and he will not be named on the birth certificate - apart from that what are the chances of him and his family winning custody or regular access?

He is in the army, I know people give it the "respect for our armed forces" and don't get me wrong, they do an amazing job but when he is not in his uniform he is vile and immature and I am scared the judge with get rose tinted glasses and grant his all sorts of rights.

Any advice?

 

[moomin_troll]

well first if he doesnt go with u to register ur baby then his name can not be put on the birth cert for he has no rights unless he goes to court for a dna test and gets his name on the bc then the father has the same rights as the mother.

if u get nast texts ect save them just incase he does take u to court and dont say anything back to him that might bite u on the bum in the long run.

just because hes in the army doesnt mean they will think hes great ect they will go for whats best for baby n most time thats in the mothers favour.

as far as i no he cant just say i want this and that, he does have to bond with the babect before they will let him have lo over night.

i cant really give u much advice as ive not gone thru it myself.

dont let him ruin ur pregnancy x

 

[Linz88]

hi he wont get custody, only if he can prove u dont treat ur bby right, he wont be able to take your baby for nights at a time until the baby is atleast 2-3 yrs old. dont worry hun..money doesnt mean a thing anymore.. a top solicitor couldnt get him custody,

 

[lou_w34]

He would never get custody, he only would if you were unfit, as in a drug addict ect...
Even if his parents do have loads of money, it wont make much difference, and your right, most judges will not grant overnight access untill the child is three.

Also, its completley up to you, but like someone else said above, if he is not named on the Birth certificate then he has no rights what so ever, will he even be able to put his name on? If he's gunna be away that is??

xx

 

[littlekitten8]

As far as I am aware if he isn't on the BC (which you dont have to put him on and the only way for him to get on it is to be there when baby is registered) then he has NO rights to contact. If he wants to go on the BC after baby has been registered it will have to go through the courts, he has to take a DNA test to prove the baby is his, and then they will work out some kind of supervised access. To go through court to get access to a child (went through this with FOB and his other child and that was with him on BC) costs in excess of £10,000! It takes months and that is if both parties turn up for court dates and everything happens on time. Even if he is on the BC you don't have to allow unsupervised access. And you certainly don't have to allow overnight visits until the child is at least 3 years of age. And the father has to have built up a relationship with the child first. So please try not to worry. And as for grandparents! They have zero rights whatsoever regardless of whether FOB is on the BC or not! Please try to relax and enjoy your pregnancy as much as possible. Things will get better and just remember, many children grow up in single parent families and are well adjusted happy children. Hugs x

 

[ladyjayne]

Like others have said if hes not on the BC he's got no rights. If he chooses to go to court over it then DNA ect. But like littlekitten8 said it takes months and if he hasnt seen your LO then access will be through CAFCASS,(supervised) until they have developeda bond and then he will be able to see LO unsupervised. No overnight stays until at least 3.
As for the army goes it doesnt go in favour, but it cant be a reason that a judge wouldnt eventually grant joint custody. Which is where the residential parent (you) has equal rights with the non-residential (FOB) so basically he wont need your permission on anything,but it doenst mean that he will have equal access - that'll be decided on an individual basis.
I wouldntworry though, money means nothing, No court will take a child away from a good mother. x