What is wrong with me?????

[wtbmummy]

This is a long story so I am sorry So we planned to have a baby, we would start officially trying in July but then decided it will take a while so took the odd risk (twice) and BOOM!!! We were pregnant straight away that month, and have worked out from the first time out of the two we used no protection from our EDD.

Now I don't want to sound mean to those who have been trying a while as we know we were very lucky to fall the first time using no protection. However I feel like I just can not bond with this baby!!!! I was lucky I only had nausea and no physical sickness in first tri. But I do have lots of other symptoms that are just awful and if I had known pregnancy would be this hard on my body I don't feel like I would have done it. I also have a hereditary kidney problem which has a 50/50 chance of being passed on and unfortunately means that pregnancy for myself will be much harder (we spoke for almost a year before deciding we would try for our own, but due to possible kidney failure as i get older couldn't wait much longer if we want more than one)

So the first scan, a beautiful moment where we see our baby for the first time and it's meant to be so magical and amazing..... NOPE, it wasn't for me, it creeped me out and all I could think about was the pending blood test I was about to have. We moved out of the in-laws soon after and thought that this would make me feel much happier again.... NOPE!!! I just feel down all the time and can't be bothered with anything.

The 20week scan..... We find out what we are having.... GREAT, the lovely little girl that we both so desperately want..... NOPE!!! it's a boy!!! WTF!!!! Even in the scan room we both just looked at each other and went (ohhh) like this huge thing had just hit us cause we just wanted a girl so badly. DH was happy about a little boy within around 20minutes, as soon as it had settled in. I tried to be happy but DH knew I was not.

Ever since then I am getting worse and worse, my husband is so amazing as supportive of my negative feelings and I tell him everything but I just feel soooooo LOST!!!

I keep panicking as I used to have two jobs but now only have one meaning we are financially not able to get through each month. (only happened this month so have been fine and will be until end of this month) We haven't even been married for a year yet and we are having a baby..... What is wrong with us???? I just want it to be me and him forever and not have to worry about a child stopping us from doing what we want to do, I feel like I am to young (25) and we are only in this situation due to my possible renal failure in the future (which isn't even certain just a possibility)

We moved into our own place and instead of enjoying it I just keep worrying about the babies room not being ready in time and what if after 6months they don't extend our tenancy? meaning we would be kicked out on 1st jan with our due date being 9th feb!!! (dh said not to worry about that as all companies do short term when tenants first move in and this is a family home so they wont kick us out after just 6months) We got a kitten shortly after moving into our place and she is my actual baby!!!! I love her with all my heart even if she can be a pain. I keep asking myself how can I love our cat soooo much yet I don't love this baby that's inside me!!

Everyday I just think how our lives would now be 100% perfect in our house, with our cat and each other, if only I wasn't having a baby.

Then I feel guilty for ever thinking such things, I wouldn't want anyone to ever get hurt in this life and what if now something does happen to this baby... Will it be my fault for not coping with the pregnancy and thinking such horrible thoughts everyday? Sometimes I go and sit in his room to see if I can tidy up in there or wash some clothes to help me bond better, but instead I do these things and find myself sitting there crying cause I know I shouldn't feel the way I do but I can't help it.

I keep trying really really hard to focus on our anniversary next month and what we can do as well as Christmas. I have started planning everything for Christmas, even what vegetables we will have with our dinner. It's all just as a distraction and it sometimes helps for an hour or so. Then I feel him kicking me and just feel sad again.

My DH has been amazing and supportive and I'm so lucky to have a man that try's to help like he does. He has questioned me whether I would feel like this if we were having a daughter like we wanted and maybe I am suffering gender disappointment. Or maybe that its because we didn't even plan on getting pregnant until August time and maybe if we had been trying longer I would be happier as this was just sprung upon us when we weren't even technically trying.

I'm sorry for such a long post and I'm not even sure if I should have posted it in gender disappointment as I'm just so confused right now. If you made it to the end then thank you very much. I think I just need to hear I'm not alone, and that maybe just maybe things will improve at some point.

 

[Batman909]

I also fell pregnant on the first month of trying the horrible part is I had changed my mind and didn't want a baby anymore. I was waiting for my period so I could start the pill again but it was already to late. Since then my relationship fell apart and now I'm alone. I thought it would be ok it would be a girl and my family would be complete but no another boy. All u can do is take it a day at a time and work through it as best u can. No u aren't a horrible person for feeling this way and u most certainly ain't the only one. X

 

[Misscalais]

Sounds like pre natal depression. Have you spoken to your care provider about it?
I'm sure once you get your 1st cuddles with baby it will feel better. If not always make sure you talk to your care provider about it cause I'd say you'd be at risk of post natal depression as well.
Congrats on your healthy little boy I do hope he brings you so much joy.

 

[MonyMony]

It can be a shock for sure to get pregnant on the first try. That was me with my first son. And I did want a daughter first too. But as soon as I held him, all worries and regrets faded away and I knew I had this amazing awesome responsibility. And then reality hit about two weeks later. It was damn hard work being a parent!! I don't think I stopped questioning whether I did the right thing until my son was about seven...

Don't get me wrong. I loved my son the whole time. I never regretted having HIM. I just regretted not giving myself more time to myself. But you know, since then, I've seen my family members and friends regret not having kids sooner. And now they have fertility problems or they're divorced and don't have a mate to share in the responsibility and are so scared and sad they will never have children. I feel so very lucky I have what I have.

Also, what you describe sounds like prenatal depression. It's more common than you think. I suffered from it, and I think you probably need to see a psychiatrist who can monitor your moods, make sure you don't ultimately need meds, which are much less dangerous the farther you are into pregnancy. Mine said she had never had any adverse outcomes with pregnant patients. But even before that, you can see a psychotherapist who can help.

The main thing I'd like to say is--it gets better. And life involves choices. Just because you made this choice doesn't mean your life is over. It will be different, and different good along with the bad. I heard a saying once: "It's hard to be married. It's hard not to married." I think that perfectly describes your situation. It's hard to live life and all is not perfect or ideal most of the time.

I wish you the best of luck in improving your mood and outlook. You're stronger than you think!

 

[wtbmummy]

Thank you so much for your kind words ladies and it's great to hear other people had doubts when pregnant too. I hope when he arrives I do feel better but until then me and DH are just taking one day at a time.

I did speak to my midwife about how I was feeling on two occassions. DH was with me for support (and hear babies hb) and she just shrugged it off n said it was normal.

I know what you ladies have said is true and so does my DH but we don't like to use that term as can make things harder. With my midwife just shrugging it off as if its nothing when I know its much deeper made me feel even worse so now Im trying to deal with it at home. (DH actually read that lots of women suffer with it and midwives and doctors shrug it off n so women never actually get diagnosed)

Thanks again for the support I hope it passes, if not at least I know I can come here and vent and not feel judged but get my feelings out. Xxx

 

[KsMommy]

I completely feel you.... I wanted this baby so badly I was told I couldn't get pregnant tried so hard and bam one day was pregnant I feel like I've been depressed everyday since from finances to dealing with his twin ADHD boys from a prior Marriage absolutely nothing seems to get me excited except the thought of a girl (hoping she wouldn't be like his boys) well today I found out its a boy
My husband is so frustrated I call it "it" still I just have no desire in admitting or accepting its a boy

 

[wtbmummy]

So I have been trying to except that everything happens for a reason n try to enjoy this pregnancy, but I still can't

I have gone out and bought boys clothes with a friend (who also suffered with this durring her last pregnancy) she thought it might help but I dont think it has.

DH has started to notice I call it "baby" when we agreed before pregnancy that we would call "baby" by its name when we found out. I was doing this to try and see if that would help at first but now I cant even bring myself to say his name

The kicks are now huge n I should be excited but again Im not. I always watch and feel for them as its what Im suppose to do n I just hope n hope if I keep doing it maybe that bond will suddenly come.

My husband is so supportive but it doesnt seem to be getting any easier

 

[MonyMony]

I have to say I think you need someone to talk with who is not your husband. He's too close to situation.

My husband pushed me for months to go see a psychiatrist or therapist, and I ended up seeing both. I was told several times that prenatal (sometime callled antenatal) depression, or any kind of depression, isn't something you can control. Sometimes you need help in the form of medicine or talk therapy. I ended up taking meds for only a month, but it was enough to break the cycle, and I worked through the rest of my issues gradually through a combination of a biweekly meeting with the therapist, talks with my sister, and a lot of self-reflection. But the thing is, you often can't get better without help.

I was lucky enough that my insurance covered self-referral, but I don't know how it works where you are. Even if your midwife is doubting the depth of your sadness, you have to push to get referred to see someone. Or can you talk to your regular doctor instead?

 

[sillysapling]

I did speak to my midwife about how I was feeling on two occassions. DH was with me for support (and hear babies hb) and she just shrugged it off n said it was normal.

This is not okay. Even if it is normal, it's still very difficult for you and you need help. You deserve help. Your midwife should not be brushing aside something like that when you're having such a hard time.

 

[wtbmummy]

So I had my 25week appointment with my midwife today and....... She finally listened to me

She has now given me a phone number to ring and get referred to see a councilor to see if that helps I told her I strictly don't want any meds so counsellings sounds good I'm glad she finally listened and I told her how I have a good network of support around me including a family member who to suffered and has been extra supportive since I opened up to her but even with all the support I am still struggling.

Hopefully speaking to a councilor helps

I have to say though since I left my appointment all I have wanted to do is cry No reason really as my midwife said I am doing well to be able to recognize I need additional help and thats a step in the right direction (not that I haven't told her twice over already)

We have a lot planned this weekend (sorting out the house a bit more) and next weekend is our first wedding anniversary so lots going on. Hopefully those two things plus I'm starting my Christmas shopping online this weekend should hopefully keep me a little happier than I have been in previous weeks. (Although DH was told today he has to stay away one night next week, and which night, flipping firework night on our family tradition of going to watch the local fireworks the council puts on with my brothers and sister who are all under 10) Both very gutted but I did find out he is now home for Christmas and not working away which is good and bad. Good cause we can be together, bad as was 3 days at triple pay which we could obviously use with baby due.

Sorry I'm just rambling now I just find it so much easier to just let all my thoughts and feelings out on here

 

[Reno]

hope you get the support you need! We had a (planned) honeymoon baby, born 9 months and 1 day after our wedding lol! Like you we didn't expect it straight away but were still thrilled! I think it's better to have a baby sooner, as I think to get used to married life as a couple for a few years and then have everything turned upsidedown with a baby would be harder to deal with that just having a baby from the start lol! Plus we're only getting older! I'm 25 too and expecting DS2 now, DS1 is nearly 18 months. We were over the moon with DS1 being a boy, and it's taking a while for DH to come round to another boy as he'd had loved a daughter!

 

[MonyMony]

So glad you took steps to get extra help. I also think trying to look forward to the fun things in life sometimes does get us to forget about our problems for periods of time.

Understand the wanting to cry part though...I hardly ever do because what would be the point? I'd be crying all the time and would that make things any better? No. But I certainly understand the desire!

Keep taking care.

 

[wtbmummy]

Well this weekend was very very busy just as I thought it would be.

On saturday we built a 4door wardrobe in the nursery (its where all our leftover boxes from moving now live) then we sorted all them boxes n made less which was good. We sorted through bits and bobs in the bedroom and then built the cotbed and arranged the pictures and clock for the nursery. Only thing left to do in the nursery is to get the matteress and put the border round one side (other side has the huge wardrobe)
So that was my busy saturday we started at 11am n finished properly at 9.30pm so was a long day.
Sunday I made a yummy roast and did some cleaning too. Strangly it seems like sunday was just gone
Now Im busy planning our anniversary saturday. Its been decided that we will go to town so I can go in primark (a pregnant friend of mine got some lovely clothes really cheap) n then we will just go round the shops. Then in the evening we are going to get dressed up and go to the cinema to see the new thor movie and then to dinner at the restraunt few doors down

Im very slowly starting to feel a bit better, I haven't spoken to anyone yet this week as I have been feeling alright I think its cause Ive been so busy and Im coming to terms with having a boy. Im still not happy with my body and I just hope n pray everyday that I get my body back. I know I might get back to pre preg weight but I just want to be the same shape

I think one thing that has kind of helped me feel happier is that I have this friend (well had) and unfortunatly for her she has been trying to get pregnant for a while now with no success. I feel terrible for her and she was the hardest person when it came to us telling people. At first she was happy for us but now she is nothing but bitter towards us and cant be happy for us she has written several comments online saying things like.... "When you get something youve worked for you appreiate it more" and such likes. Ihave tried speaking to her on several occassions and never mention the pregnancy as i understand it must be hard for her but that last thing she wrote has stuck in my brain..... She is meant to be a friend. I have worked bloody hard for EVERYTHING I have in this life and I didnt meet my DH until I was 22. For 4 years I was in an abusive relationship (phyiscal and mental) and have had to come a very very long way to recover from that being so young at the time. I work my arse off and after 4 years of wanting to be in childcare I now have my dream job but only at 2days a week. So considering she was lucky enough to meet her husband at only 15, she and her husband have been GIVEN over 25k to date towards there house and wedding when we worked very hard and had to get into debt with loans for our wedding (which was still small) do you know what??????

I F*@#&*N DESERVE TO HAVE FALLEN PREGNANT STRAIGHT AWAY AND ACTUALLY HAVE SOMETHING GO RIGHT FOR ME!!!!

She is nothing but jealous and its because she has always been given what she wants and has never just seen that things dont always go your way.... I dont think she has ever been genuinly happy for anyone else cause she doesnt know how hard life can be when you work for everything you have.

I tried to be sympathetic to her and I would avoid such things as fb when it came to mentioning the baby but now???? Now if I want to write Im in pain cause the baby is hurting me, or if I want to post a picture of my bump.... I bloody well do it!!! Im fed up of tip toeing around her when she lied to me around a month ago about concert tickets and the last two times i have approached her she has ignored me!!!!

So in a strange way she has helped me be happy again about this pregnancy but I am so sad to have lost a friend just cause she didnt fall pregnant first

 

[wtbmummy]

I have slowly been feeling much better. But i almost wish we had never told anyone we were having a boy or his name!!!!

Everyone uses his name n it actually makes me feel sad when they do our plan to have everyone call him by his name has backfired in the worst way for me

I still love the name im just struggling when people use his name n tell me how much i will love my baby boy

 

[MonyMony]

I have slowly been feeling much better. But i almost wish we had never told anyone we were having a boy or his name!!!!

Everyone uses his name n it actually makes me feel sad when they do our plan to have everyone call him by his name has backfired in the worst way for me

I still love the name im just struggling when people use his name n tell me how much i will love my baby boy

I think this means you are still struggling with these emotions even though you are also improving. When someone calls your child by his name, the fact that you're going to be a parent is even more real. But you might not really feel complete acceptance until your baby arrives, or even after. And you have to tell yourself that's okay.

And although it's not the name that's the problem, it is fun to have a little secret. You could have a nickname only for yourself. Or perhaps you could change the name, or use it for a middle name instead and surprise everyone? I've heard some people have to think of a new name anyway when baby is born because the name didn't fit.

 

[wtbmummy]

I have slowly been feeling much better. But i almost wish we had never told anyone we were having a boy or his name!!!!

Everyone uses his name n it actually makes me feel sad when they do our plan to have everyone call him by his name has backfired in the worst way for me

I still love the name im just struggling when people use his name n tell me how much i will love my baby boy

I think this means you are still struggling with these emotions even though you are also improving. When someone calls your child by his name, the fact that you're going to be a parent is even more real. But you might not really feel complete acceptance until your baby arrives, or even after. And you have to tell yourself that's okay.

And although it's not the name that's the problem, it is fun to have a little secret. You could have a nickname only for yourself. Or perhaps you could change the name, or use it for a middle name instead and surprise everyone? I've heard some people have to think of a new name anyway when baby is born because the name didn't fit.

Thank you so much for your support. I think you are right that I'm improving but only very slowly. My husband said that to me yesterday he said although I still get really down it isn't happening as often any more.
As our little secret we have finally decided on a middle name and not told anyone we both really like it and kind of like it as a first name so you never know we might swap them round and confuse everyone
I think part of the reason I am feeling better is that I guess its not long left now and I can have my body back. Also even though I know it's a boy I keep thinking when I have my next scan at 34weeks they will tell me it's a girl I know this wont happen and would now be a big inconvienance as we have lots of blue things and boys clothes
Thank you again hun

 

[wtbmummy]

Almost 31weeks. Only 3weeks monday till my low lying placenta scan (and confirm it is a boy )
I am now feeling ok with being pregnant as much as I really am not enjoying it and want my slim body back.
My hormonos are going crazy these days n my poor cat is the main victim. She does the slightest thing wrong n I go mad at her however she has just climbed into bed with me n is laid right up against me so thinking she knows I do still love her

I have just bought the last thing we need for babies room n that is a cotbed mattress. Oh and the other day whilst in a shop I actively looked at and bought a cute little boys blue blanket with a boat on it think that was the first time I didnt have to be told it was ok to buy something so Im feeling really really good about that

We are yet to buy ANY newborn clothes as we are getting quiet a few bits from mil and after being told they arent in newborn for long we have only bought 0-3months n up.

I still keep getting down sometimes but its mostly because I want my body back. I think Im struggling with the whole having a boy because I spent so many years thinking about how differently I would do things with a girl (my mum wasnt around you see and the way she treated me has left me with some issues) also because I have found this pregnancy so hard that Im now thinking we will only have this baby n no more meaning I wont ever get my little girl. N although I was quiet a tomboy growing up (now very girly) I just dont know what on earth you do with a little boy

Im just rambling on I know but sometimes I really feel I have too to try and make sence of all this in the hopes it will help me accept that things are going to change FOREVER!!!!

 

[MonyMony]

I agree it's such a relief to come to the end. I've never been a happy pregnany person. I also don't like the things it does to my body, and each time for me has been worse. That why I need really big gaps between the kids--to recover!

I also thought I'd have just one for the longest time and it took slow improvement in our finances and lifestyle to make a decision about more kids. I have to admit: having an only was pretty sweet. He was like a mini-adult, going to cocktail parties with us as he got older and able to hold his own in conversation. He was easy to take on long hikes, on vacations, to the coffee shop.

So you're right about things changing forever, but they don't have to be bad changes. It's certainly so much easier after the first early years! And if you do decide to have more kids at some point, you will be so much more confident.

 

[Misscalais]

Yay for buying a cutesy boy blanket!
Hope you're placenta moves up and out of the way.
Hopefully the next few weeks go super quick for you.
It is nice to get your body back after feeling like you've been pregnant for like 10 years I do always miss being pregnant for a few months after though.
I find out if I'm having boy number three next Wednesday. I'm so nervous, my 15 week scan looks like it probably is another wee man. So I'm trying to talk myself into it, I truly don't want to cry at my scan and look like an ungrateful brat, I'm just not sure how I'm going to react

 

[wtbmummy]

I haven't written in this part for a while now but I really feel I have too

So an update first : ds was born 30th Jan via emergency forecep delivery
In the hospital I was overjoyed at my new son.
Then.... We came home.....
I have been battling with pnd since he was born really and it was really really improving. I went from hating my son to being able to tollerate him, to I would say loving him.... However after spending 2weeks only having one night feed I spent a week of him waking every hour n not even for food. He just wouldnt sleep
I found out that our friends are having a girl too since then allthe feelings have come rushing back. N some worse ones than before I dont want to be near ds at all, I get angry at him for crying as well tbh he doesnt ever cry he SCREAMS and with NO WARNING so one min hes smiling n the next you have a baby screaming very high pitched in your ear!!!!
Tonight I am fed up of him having 1oz falling asleep for 20mins, waking up for 2oz n so on until he has finished his 7oz bottle. He fell asleep n I woke him FOUR times as he had only eaten an oz for him to fall back asleep. I put him down in his cot and guess what????? Within one min of me leaving the room he is screaming at me for his bottle!!!!!
I cant take it anymore he screams constantly n only ever when dh isnt at home (hes working nights this week) because ds is soooo bad at eating I have had to resort to doing "ballanced feeds" a few times a day because I just cant have him fall asleep/wake up several times for one bottle

But I am writting all this feeling awful as I thought things had improved so much but clearly not as I feel like out of nowhere Im back at square one.

Oh and just to add due to hard pregnancy and health issues this is the only baby we will be having so I'm even more sad knowing I will never ever get that little girl I wanted so bad. My mother abandoned me at 4yo and left me with my dad so I have just always always wanted a little girl so I could feel that bond as I should, not how I did

I just cant help but wonder...... Would I still have pnd if he was a girl????????