What not to say to a c-section mum

[chuck]

It often seems forgotten in the debate of who did it 'right' or not, that the aim of pregnancy is a healthy child of a healthy mother. If that outcome is achieved with every single technological intervention possible in a hospital, or at home with a midwife, WHO CARES ? One or the other is not a superior experience. And birth fades in the experience of actually raising children. [/B]

Hmmm see it's that kind of thing that hits me hard 'who cares?' - I care! I care so much that I didn't get to do things how I wanted and I dint get a CS to save my life or that of my baby I suffered a EMCS because I ran out of NHS time. I hated every second of my baby removal because I was alone in a a theatre full of people ho didn't take into account I was supposed to be giving birth not having a tooth extraction.

No I'm not grateful that we are both healthy and I dont care if that makes me sound like spoilt little bitch who doesnt care as there are many women who don't have healthy babies but I'm sorry it was MY experience and what happened to me is what I care about.

I spent months in tears feeling guilty, wrong and inferior and it took me a very very long time to come to terms with the fact the baby I was handed at some point after they dragged hi out was mine - he could be anyones after all I had no experience of him coming into this world.

On top of that I had thought run through my mind where I wanted to throw him at a wall when I was trying to BF as it hurt do much (tongue tied baby and bleeding nipples) and I'm so ashamed still of those thoughts and how I didnt manage to just bloody get over it and do what my baby needed.

If at the end of the day all that mattered was that he and I were safe and healthy would I have felt all of that and still sit here in tears more than a year later?

I resent my EMCS I hate it still (do you have any idea how horrible it is to say you hate how your child came into this world and hate thinking about it?), I didnt give birth the CS didnt save my life or my babies. I can't stand how 'birth' wasnt something to remember I have tried very hard with counselling to put it away in a box and forget about it but I cant. So I care how my baby made it into this world.

</rant>

Sorry sometimes it all comes welling up and I'm ill and all hormonal and I have to go through it all gain soon and I'm scared.

 

[Jenniflower]

Chuck I love your honesty, I really do. I think it is so good that you're able to really express how you feel about it. I always think the more people can let it out the better for them it will be. So thank you so much for always sharing your true feelings with us.

In regards to this thread I hate 2 things.
1) When women who do have c-sections willingly think that in order to do it naturally you have to be made of something more. And they won't allow women who have done it naturally to talk about it because it makes them feel inferior (I have a few friends like that, that think I'm trying to act better than them because I believe I can do it naturally AND at home. Apparently that's a double slap to them)

2) Women who go naturally that DO think they're better than everyone else.

The biggest thing that is wrong with birthing today is information, information, information! Most all women are to just assume the position, make it easier on the hospital and doctors, keep their mouth shuts and push. I think we should be trusting enough to listen to what our midwives tell us. But if that is going to happen then the midwives need to be telling us EVERYTHING. They wonder why we have to go off on our own, to do our own research it's because they don't offer all the information out there. They only offer it to their bias.

If you give a woman all the information, explain the benefits of giving birth naturally, that she actually CAN do it, and encourage her to do so, then if she decides in other routes that's her choice and we shouldn't judge. But I'm sad because most women never assumed they could.

 

[chuck]

I can't say as I'm all that positive about what happened because I'm not BUT I'm doing my best to make it positive even if it's not for me. If by sharing and letting other women know what I have found out since then it's worth it in some respect.

No amount of complaint letters and demanding 'answers' will refund me my birth experience, no one is going to put their hand up say sorry its all my fault and let me bea them to a pulp because well it simply wont help will it as much as sometimes I want vengeance and payback.

Besides I have no one to vent to in the real world..hubby has said outright that he thinks there must be something wrong with me if I still feel like this and I dont have many good Mummy friends (a couple of baby group ladies who i see once in a blue moon), so it's easier to let it go here and if no one replies it doesnt matter.

Sometimes I just have to well, let go or try to, its something I need to do before I can get my positive birth experience that I deserve so I;'m trying.

Sorry if I bore you guys to death with it. lol.

 

[clarsair]

Chuck, I feel for you, really I do, it sounds like you've had an awful time of it. It's reassuring for me though to hear someone say the things I've been feeling but thought there was something wrong with me, like being handed a baby rather than giving birth. I had PND and although I feel my normal self now I do wonder if having a CS contributed to this. I also couldn't establish breastfeeding, again, don't know if this had anything to do with the birth or contributed to PND but perhaps it did. So I've also been struggling with feeling hugely inadequate and guilty over not getting a homebirth, not getting a natural birth, not being able to breastfeed and the lack of feeling and trepidation I felt towards LO in the first weeks of her life. My DH is also quite pragmatic and can't see past the fact that both LO and I were fine so what's the problem?

So I just wanted to say thank you for sharing and being so honest, I think it does help to get it all out, and I hope very much you have a better experience next time (and also for me if it ever happens! lol).

 

[chuck]

Chuck, I feel for you, really I do, it sounds like you've had an awful time of it. It's reassuring for me though to hear someone say the things I've been feeling but thought there was something wrong with me, like being handed a baby rather than giving birth. I had PND and although I feel my normal self now I do wonder if having a CS contributed to this. I also couldn't establish breastfeeding, again, don't know if this had anything to do with the birth or contributed to PND but perhaps it did. So I've also been struggling with feeling hugely inadequate and guilty over not getting a homebirth, not getting a natural birth, not being able to breastfeed and the lack of feeling and trepidation I felt towards LO in the first weeks of her life. My DH is also quite pragmatic and can't see past the fact that both LO and I were fine so what's the problem?

So I just wanted to say thank you for sharing and being so honest, I think it does help to get it all out, and I hope very much you have a better experience next time (and also for me if it ever happens! lol).

The only thing I have learned is that we are normal to feel the way we do, I said to my husbands friend only a couple weeks ago who was due an elective for a breech baby (2 failed ECV's) when she said she felt bad about it and was fed up people saying it didnt matter so long as they were both ok that she can feel how she wants it is fine! We have the right to feel awful if that s how we feel about our experiences.

Mourning something we never had is a process that takes time to get over - I know I still havent.

We have to have a better time of it this time around we'll make sure we do!

 

[Dragonfly]

I dont get offended when mums talk about natural birth, even before I had one. What was done at the time needed to be done. I was sad I didnt get a natural birth but how could I take that out on someone who did have one? makes no sence. Having had natural now I dont feel any one is beneath me for not having one. I just wanted one so I could have that experience I hear so many talk about and I am glad I did. so i am in between on this one with experiences.

 

[Aunty E]

Well I'm very glad that I avoided an emergency CS, I was all prepped for one and thankfully the forceps worked. I wouldn't have wanted to cope with a surgical wound on top of everything else in the week following the birth frankly, and I'm in awe of ladies who manage it. In the end my hypnobirth turned into an instrumental delivery and while I wish it hadn't, in the end I just had to let go. In my case, it wasn't anybody's fault, it just happened. There was no point to feeling bad about it, so I decided not to. If I hadn't been able to let it go, I would have seriously considered talking to a professional though, would this be an option for you Chuck? Your GP might be able to refer you for a couple of sessions, or your local NCT might be able to recommend someone.

 

[chuck]

I had my NHS sessions with a counsellor who used to be a midwife so is pretty good with the post natal stuff. Sad thing is at the end of the day all she could really say was you need to be proud you survived and are coping, you need to put it away in a box in your mind and move past it, its normal to feel the way you do but it will get easier.

Ergh, I may go to my GP and see if there's another person I can see as the lady I did see is a long way for me to travel.

 

[Dragonfly]

I think with so many in this thread no one choose one without medical reason and I dont think anyone should feel a failure they had one in here. I never got offered any councilling and I was crying when I thought about it and the traumatic labour for a long time. I feel Alex birth healed me for some reason. Also was heartbreaking not being able to change my first borns nappy.

 

[Jenniflower]

I had my NHS sessions with a counsellor who used to be a midwife so is pretty good with the post natal stuff. Sad thing is at the end of the day all she could really say was you need to be proud you survived and are coping, you need to put it away in a box in your mind and move past it, its normal to feel the way you do but it will get easier.

Ergh, I may go to my GP and see if there's another person I can see as the lady I did see is a long way for me to travel.

"Put it away in a box"?!?!?! Where on earth did she learn to counsel??? You don't need to be proud of anything. What you NEED to do is feel the way you're feeling so that you can wrap your mind around how you feel. Honestly, some people should not be allowed to be called a "counselor".

 

[Samantha675]

It often seems forgotten in the debate of who did it 'right' or not, that the aim of pregnancy is a healthy child of a healthy mother. If that outcome is achieved with every single technological intervention possible in a hospital, or at home with a midwife, WHO CARES ? One or the other is not a superior experience. And birth fades in the experience of actually raising children. [/B]

Hmmm see it's that kind of thing that hits me hard 'who cares?' - I care! I care so much that I didn't get to do things how I wanted and I dint get a CS to save my life or that of my baby I suffered a EMCS because I ran out of NHS time. I hated every second of my baby removal because I was alone in a a theatre full of people ho didn't take into account I was supposed to be giving birth not having a tooth extraction.

No I'm not grateful that we are both healthy and I dont care if that makes me sound like spoilt little bitch who doesnt care as there are many women who don't have healthy babies but I'm sorry it was MY experience and what happened to me is what I care about.

I spent months in tears feeling guilty, wrong and inferior and it took me a very very long time to come to terms with the fact the baby I was handed at some point after they dragged hi out was mine - he could be anyones after all I had no experience of him coming into this world.

On top of that I had thought run through my mind where I wanted to throw him at a wall when I was trying to BF as it hurt do much (tongue tied baby and bleeding nipples) and I'm so ashamed still of those thoughts and how I didnt manage to just bloody get over it and do what my baby needed.

If at the end of the day all that mattered was that he and I were safe and healthy would I have felt all of that and still sit here in tears more than a year later?

I resent my EMCS I hate it still (do you have any idea how horrible it is to say you hate how your child came into this world and hate thinking about it?), I didnt give birth the CS didnt save my life or my babies. I can't stand how 'birth' wasnt something to remember I have tried very hard with counselling to put it away in a box and forget about it but I cant. So I care how my baby made it into this world.

</rant>

Sorry sometimes it all comes welling up and I'm ill and all hormonal and I have to go through it all gain soon and I'm scared.

I care as well. almost 3 years later, I am in therapy to help me deal with the lose of the birth I wanted so badly when my homebirth ended with a transfer to hospital and a c-section.

I feel nothing when I think of the birth of my son, NO joy, no happiness, nothing. It is a big blank white space. Why wouldn't I care.

I HATE it when people say, well all that matter is that you are both healthy. NO, it doesn't. My son's birth was so very important to me. Hugely important, and to say that nothing else matters totally disregards how important the birth process is to me.

Here is a link to a really great article that says what I can't really well.

https://www.plus-size-pregnancy.org/CSANDVBAC/shouldbegrateful.htm

 

[chuck]

^^^^ Its good to know I'm not alone hun, I'v seen that article actually and have passed it onto a few people I know.

X

 

[Dragonfly]

It often seems forgotten in the debate of who did it 'right' or not, that the aim of pregnancy is a healthy child of a healthy mother. If that outcome is achieved with every single technological intervention possible in a hospital, or at home with a midwife, WHO CARES ? One or the other is not a superior experience. And birth fades in the experience of actually raising children. [/B]

Hmmm see it's that kind of thing that hits me hard 'who cares?' - I care! I care so much that I didn't get to do things how I wanted and I dint get a CS to save my life or that of my baby I suffered a EMCS because I ran out of NHS time. I hated every second of my baby removal because I was alone in a a theatre full of people ho didn't take into account I was supposed to be giving birth not having a tooth extraction.

No I'm not grateful that we are both healthy and I dont care if that makes me sound like spoilt little bitch who doesnt care as there are many women who don't have healthy babies but I'm sorry it was MY experience and what happened to me is what I care about.

I spent months in tears feeling guilty, wrong and inferior and it took me a very very long time to come to terms with the fact the baby I was handed at some point after they dragged hi out was mine - he could be anyones after all I had no experience of him coming into this world.

On top of that I had thought run through my mind where I wanted to throw him at a wall when I was trying to BF as it hurt do much (tongue tied baby and bleeding nipples) and I'm so ashamed still of those thoughts and how I didnt manage to just bloody get over it and do what my baby needed.

If at the end of the day all that mattered was that he and I were safe and healthy would I have felt all of that and still sit here in tears more than a year later?

I resent my EMCS I hate it still (do you have any idea how horrible it is to say you hate how your child came into this world and hate thinking about it?), I didnt give birth the CS didnt save my life or my babies. I can't stand how 'birth' wasnt something to remember I have tried very hard with counselling to put it away in a box and forget about it but I cant. So I care how my baby made it into this world.

</rant>

Sorry sometimes it all comes welling up and I'm ill and all hormonal and I have to go through it all gain soon and I'm scared.

I care as well. almost 3 years later, I am in therapy to help me deal with the lose of the birth I wanted so badly when my homebirth ended with a transfer to hospital and a c-section.

I feel nothing when I think of the birth of my son, NO joy, no happiness, nothing. It is a big blank white space. Why wouldn't I care.

I HATE it when people say, well all that matter is that you are both healthy. NO, it doesn't. My son's birth was so very important to me. Hugely important, and to say that nothing else matters totally disregards how important the birth process is to me.

Here is a link to a really great article that says what I can't really well.

https://www.plus-size-pregnancy.org/CSANDVBAC/shouldbegrateful.htm

I know what you mean article made sence to me. I think thats why I wanted another baby so much after William I wanted a normal birth and all the upset of them trying to induce me but I got my natural. It seemed to heal a lot of the emotional pain of first but I always will feel different about willims which traumatized me. I feel happy when I think of Alex birth even though it was horrendous to but not the same as as a c section birth.

 

[Bournefree]

Thank you for the great link Samantha.. it was a really good read!
xXx

 

[bky]

Even though I was horrified at the idea I might have to have a c-section before going into labour (my baby was undescended/unengaged at 41+ weeks), when I actually had the EMCS I was so not bothered about it. I'm not sure if that's because worse things (IMO) happened afterward or what. I think I'm not bothered if I'll have to have another EMCS, though of course I'll try again for a natural labour. I guess knowing I was pain free until they put the spinal in was helpful? I mean, I don't doubt I could manage a natural labour so having had it end in c-section doesn't bother me. I guess I don't feel like any mismanagement led me to a c-section either. I'm fairly sure my baby was totally wrapped up in her cord.

 

[clairebear]

I once heard a MW say of the other MW in the room - she took the easy route and he came out the sunroof.....now they knew each other VERY well so the laughed and it didnt seem an issue but I dont like anyone calling it the easy route. It's WAY more risky than a vaginal delivery and I can tell you from partnering my sister and seeing her after, that was NOT easy.

Having experienced both, I agree with you 100% there is nothing 'easy' about a csection.

I also experienced mild PND which i have only recently been able to admit to myself.

SO no its defo not 'easy' x

 

[clairebear]

It often seems forgotten in the debate of who did it 'right' or not, that the aim of pregnancy is a healthy child of a healthy mother. If that outcome is achieved with every single technological intervention possible in a hospital, or at home with a midwife, WHO CARES ? One or the other is not a superior experience. And birth fades in the experience of actually raising children. [/B]

Hmmm see it's that kind of thing that hits me hard 'who cares?' - I care! I care so much that I didn't get to do things how I wanted and I dint get a CS to save my life or that of my baby I suffered a EMCS because I ran out of NHS time. I hated every second of my baby removal because I was alone in a a theatre full of people ho didn't take into account I was supposed to be giving birth not having a tooth extraction.

No I'm not grateful that we are both healthy and I dont care if that makes me sound like spoilt little bitch who doesnt care as there are many women who don't have healthy babies but I'm sorry it was MY experience and what happened to me is what I care about.

I spent months in tears feeling guilty, wrong and inferior and it took me a very very long time to come to terms with the fact the baby I was handed at some point after they dragged hi out was mine - he could be anyones after all I had no experience of him coming into this world.

On top of that I had thought run through my mind where I wanted to throw him at a wall when I was trying to BF as it hurt do much (tongue tied baby and bleeding nipples) and I'm so ashamed still of those thoughts and how I didnt manage to just bloody get over it and do what my baby needed.

If at the end of the day all that mattered was that he and I were safe and healthy would I have felt all of that and still sit here in tears more than a year later?

I resent my EMCS I hate it still (do you have any idea how horrible it is to say you hate how your child came into this world and hate thinking about it?), I didnt give birth the CS didnt save my life or my babies. I can't stand how 'birth' wasnt something to remember I have tried very hard with counselling to put it away in a box and forget about it but I cant. So I care how my baby made it into this world.

</rant>

Sorry sometimes it all comes welling up and I'm ill and all hormonal and I have to go through it all gain soon and I'm scared.

I care as well. almost 3 years later, I am in therapy to help me deal with the lose of the birth I wanted so badly when my homebirth ended with a transfer to hospital and a c-section.

I feel nothing when I think of the birth of my son, NO joy, no happiness, nothing. It is a big blank white space. Why wouldn't I care.

I HATE it when people say, well all that matter is that you are both healthy. NO, it doesn't. My son's birth was so very important to me. Hugely important, and to say that nothing else matters totally disregards how important the birth process is to me.

Here is a link to a really great article that says what I can't really well.

https://www.plus-size-pregnancy.org/CSANDVBAC/shouldbegrateful.htm

^^^ WSS said.

I love both my boys the same but only have fond memories of the youngests birth.

 

[NOMORENUMBERS]

aw you know the times when i have felt like - going to be blunt here - like a piece of poo on someones shoe and about 2 inches tall was when an ill informed woman came up to me screaming that i had a c section because it was easier and that i was too posh to push

1. in labour for 3 days
2. you ever been told if we dont get your baby out in the next 20 mins he could die
3. ever tried to give birth to an 11lb 6onz baby
4. ever watched your baby fight for his life, be told he might not make it and not be able to hold him for almost a week?
despite that i still feel bad about having an emergency c section and feel bad that it looks like its going to be the same this time round

this is a fantastic thread you have started here because i honestly do not think that others really realise how low it can make someone feel being judged even if judging wasnt even the intention, and a lot of women feel dissappointed anyway at their lack of natural birth - my birth plan was gas and air only if i need it so you can only imagine my horror

fantastic thread ladies, just as i think everyone should be informed of natural ways to help labour be more relaxing, less stressful and a more positive experience, i think it is just as important to learn about how we should all genuinely support eachother and realise that a c section is not an easy option emotionally, physically, socially, and health wise

much love ladies! xkx

 

[Tegans Mama]

I think there are a lot of things that could be on that list. There are so many things people said to me after Tegan was born that piss me off. My CS was as far from easy as it gets. I've told my story on BnB before, it's not something I talk about often because it was the most terrifying thing that has ever happened to me (my epi failed and I hemorrhaged/passed out etc) and anyone who tells me a section is EASY is told, it's not easy when you can feel it!!! I have nightmares about Tegan's birth, and I feel like people totally disregard that, my own family included. After my sister had her baby in September she actually said to me "wow Lea be glad you had a section, giving birth that way is hard work!".... I have put off having another baby for 18 months because of my fear of having another section. I don't know what I'll do if I need one, but I will NOT be having one without a fight.

There are a lot of times when a section is not neccesary and health professionals HAVE taken it too far with how often they perform a section for "failure to progress" which is on my notes, might I add! I really, really feel like I was strung along by my Dr, who told me at first T would be delivered by section because of her SB. I feel like he wanted to stick to that plan... but I went into labour by myself, turned up at the hospital, in labour, and it didn't happen fast enough so they cut me open instead. If he'd just stuck to the plan of a section I wouldn't be so bitter about it. I HATE the fact I had a section. No one deserves to feel this way about the way your baby entered the world.
Before I found out about Tegan's SB I was planning a Home water birth. I knew that was not possible but I really dislike the way things turned out.

 

[Jenniflower]

I have two friends that I look at when I think about this thread. One had a horrible back to back labour that caused her so much distress and pain that even after she had the Epi was still in pain trying to get her son out. In the end she had to have a c-section. Then my other friend laboured mostly at home, got to the hospital and out popped her daughter after about 30 min of pushing.

Looking at the two I would say the latter friend had it "easier". (for a lack of a better word) I never think a section is the easy way out, ESPECIALLY not an emergency one.