what to do about people who don't reach out

[ms.hope]

Hello,

I am not sure how to feel I mean I have in-laws that know about the loss and have not reach out in no way-no card in mail, no letter no phone call,no e-mail. I am not sure how to handle it when I bump into them by chance? I am honestly pissed and think they are cold hearted people that have shown their true colors but what can I say when I see them? what do I do when they act like nothing happen and things are fine and dandy? I mean I am not fake so I know for sure I won't be playing along with that. At the moment I honestly would rather not be around people that don't care for me or cant be there for me when I am down. I can take a hint. But the truth is we will cross paths at some point since we are family. It has been almost 4 moths since the loss.

what have some of you done in these situations? did you confront them and tell them how they made you feel? or do you ask why havent I heard from you? or do u just ignore them? what worked for you?

 

[Andypanda6570]

Hi,
I am so sorry you are going through this. I lost Ava in March and I didn't see my in-laws or sister in law or talk to them for 3 months. They meant well but they always said the wrong thing. After about 5 months I finally went to their house for dinner, i had to. They are not bad people and I have 3 boys and we are married over 20 years and I just needed to put things right, they gave me my space and that was good. But eventually you have to see them again and you have to go to family things, but you need time and you should take that time no matter how long it is, but don't completely shut them out , you should just tell them honestly I don't want to see people I don't want to talk I need some time to myself so please respect that, unless they are really bad people and you feel you are just done? This is really hard journey to go through and people just don't understand and I really believe people don't mean to say the wrong thing but they do. Things will get better , I promise. I lost my Ava at 18 and a half weeks, I gave birth to her on my toilet and we buried her on 3/11/2011 and it been a little over 6 months and just now am I starting to live again a little anyway.
XOXOXO I wish you all the best

 

[ms.hope]

Thank you Andypanda6570,

I also had a late term loss at 22wks twins and one also came out on the toilet. I will wait it out and see how things go. It could just be the stage I am at now and maybe my feelings will change. who knows.

 

[Nikki_d72]

I think I'd find it hard to be in the same room as them, that's pretty bad, if they all definitely knew and didn't even acknowledge it. What does your OH think? As they are his family I think I'd want him to say something about it, rather than you. Is this close in-laws, or kinda distant ones, like cousins etc?

I have a few folk that have done this but not any family or in-laws so it's easy to just cut them out, none of them are people I was very close to but it still dissapoints.

Maybe they will do the right thing when they do see you, some folk might not know what to do in this situation, I don't understand why it makes folk so much more awkward than if you had any other death in the family, I can't get my head around it.

I'm so sorry they are being like that with you. There are definately stages of feeling very bitter though, aren't there? I'm getting a bit like that now. I would definitely talk to your OH about it.

hugs xxx

 

[Andypanda6570]

I also wanted to say I think some people just don't know what to say or they see you months later and want to say something but maybe they feel if they do they will be bringing up bad feelings, who knows. One thing you are right about is your feeling will change a lot, but you already know that. I am so sorry for what you have been through Nobody understands this grief and sadness nobody, but us

 

[SabrinaKat]

I'm sorry to hear your in-laws weren't very sympathetic; I didn't say anything BUT I will never forget their callous cruelty:

My FIL was quite ill when I found out I was pregnant (July 2009), my SIL was also pregnant and my husband was helping out with his dad; when I had the m/c, my husband was there for me, and I emailed my brother-in-law to beg him to please help his own father, but he emailed me back: 'Sorry about the m/c, but (my sister-in-law) was having a difficult pregnancy and he couldn't spare the time'. My FIL died the following february and I helped arranged everything, as I loved him and my husband and mother-in-law were in bits; my SIL had had the baby the previous November, but my FIL died having never seen his grand-child, in fact, my SIL 'wasn't feeling well' the entire Christmas and although my dh and I made sure that his dad's last Christmas was a good as it could be, they never even stopped by. To finish up, they held their child's christening the very week our baby would have been born -- my DH took me off to Rome for a week (I am a historian and we were married in Rome, etc., ). I will never confront about this, but I will never forget how they treated me, my dh, my FIL and my MIL.

If you can tell them without losing your temper and dignity as andypandy suggests, then do tell them -- I knew that it wasn't worth it because they would never get it. I am just glad that hopefully my MIL will get to spend time (as much as she wants!!!!) with our first born, as I am cautiously hopeful as I am 17wks today...

best wishes...(and sorry for the rant, but sometimes, it takes more strength to say nothing (at least, for me)....

PS. when I have seen them, it's a nod, a hello and I move on to other people. I really hope all is well with them, but want nothing to do with them.