What to do....

[Sandie_Cali]

Well, I just read a text on my OHs cell phone and well I personally am not happy about it and down right questionable of our relationship even more now.

His guy friend was teasing him about us having another baby, if that wasnt the worse part, the guy told my OH to make sure and invite him to the wedding and my OH said "Hell No, there would be no wedding" and then the guy said "Yea you also told me you were not going to have anymore babies and look at you now"

I am very upset because FIRST of all, this was a planned pregnancy we even had consultations to become pregnant. And SECOND because he told me we would be getting married.

I am very upset and dont know how to approach this.

 

[kell]

Didn't want to read and run hun. I would sit him down and ask him about it. Maybe it was just a man thing, banter with his mates. They usually aren't good at showing feelings around other men so they make a joke out of things. I personally wouldn't do anything rash until you've spoken to him about it xx

 

[Tilliepink]

I would just flat out ask him!

 

[gemabee]

just sounds like guy banter to be honest hun!
nothin to worry bout... nd if u ask him bout it... he'll probably be upset with u for checkin his messages!!
no need to cause an argument for no reason xx

 

[amym]

It's difficult, cos you checking his messages is arguably worse than him getting ribbed by his mates and pissing about. I think he was pissing about, as like you say it was a planned pregnancy and he has told his mate it wasn't... sounds like he just doesn't want to justify himself to his friends.

I'd maybe have a conversation in the next couple of days about setting a wedding date; don;t let money arguments put you off, you can make it 2 years away if that's the issue! Just tell him you woudl like to have that stability...

Good luck x

 

[Pippasdvision]

sounds like guy banter to me. My DH was sending those to his invited mates even a week before the wedding as it fell on a Rugby world cup day. I also would not be in a hurry to confrront him as if there is something wrong he will just hide it all the more. Remember they are obligated not to upset you during pregnancy nad will go out of there way to make you even more emotional. And again I wouldnt be in a hurry to try and set a wedding date as if he is anything like mine all he will say is lets worry about it after the baby is born (too much going on and just wanting to protect you from the stress of organising that too). If you are worried I would speak to your OH about your worries without making reference to the texts. I am guilty of remembering that the pregnancy affects them too!

 

[minkymoo]

I agree with Kell. Men tend to act all neanderthal like with their mates and don;t like to admit that they have a softer, family side.

I would most cetainly tell him that you know and talk it through though, as it will eat away at you otherwise xxx

 

[Sandie_Cali]

Thank you ladies with your responses, I appreciate it.

OH and I have an understanding and agreement that I can check his cellphone whenever I want, because he cheated on me 4 years ago. We went through counseling and went through the boundaries and he is the one who came up with the idea of allowing me this freedom and did not ask anything in return.

I on the other hand did not feel comfortable with the nothing in return, I felt bad checking his phone without him knowing. So when I felt the urge to check his phone I would tell him.

Part of me agrees with the manly bantering, but it hurt me when he said this, like he was too asshamed to tell his friends about me and our pregnancy and life. I want to know where his head is at and what our future is, I dont want to waste my life on something that will never happen.

I decided to tell him about looking in his phone and what I found. And ask where our relationship is going, but not set a date just yet..I honestly would feel a bit pressured, I have run away bride syndrome and not proud of it. I personally think we should be married next year maybe in December or the following year. I just dont want to be here for nothing. I also dont want to pressure him into asking me, I want him to ask me when he wants it and is sure... I want it to be romantic in everyway.

I am upset because I feel that I am putting my all and nurturing something that will not happen and here I wasting more years on this one individual that will not give me what I want, our family.

I will talk with him tonight after our daughter is asleep.

Today is my little ones VDay...."Happy VDay to my Son, Matthew"

 

[sugarwag]

Can I just share an experience I had with my OH this week... I have a feeling your bloke is just bantering!

My OH got a speeding fine the other week, he's never had one before so he's pretty gutted about it. He's also very forgetful and he kept forgetting to pay it.

I started back at school this week and did not have a free period until Thursday. I had loads of work/marking/prep to do but thought to myself...I'll ring the OH at work and remind him to pay the fine (so it doesn't get bumped up!).

Now my OH is the most caring, sweet person and never ever treats me badly. A workmate of his answered the phone and said he was going to pass me over to OH. Instead he passed me around to all of the other co-workers who pulled funny voices pretending to be my OH (slightly annoying but you know what blokes are like!).

Finally I got to my OH and reminded him about the fine but he was being really silly on the phone and instead of talking to me normally he kept quoting Borat and other stupid things with his mates laughing in the background. I was so mad that I shouted at him something along the lines of "If you are going to show off and act like a c**t in front of your mates then you can f**k off".

Then I hung up. I have never ever spoken to OH like this...ever! I was so upset that I had gone to the trouble of ringing him so his fine didn't go up. I wish I hadn't bothered! Plus I wasted my precious time and had got very upset and spent the next 10-15 mins crying.

I did get a phonecall back pretty quickly from a very sheepish and apologetic OH who grovelled all that eve and rest of week.

Seriously...being with their mates/ or bantering with them causes even the nicest blokes to turn into total wankers.

Just say to your OH that you did read his message, as per your agreement, but it really upset you. Say that you realise that you're slightly more hormonal as you are preggers (god knows I am!) and you realise it could be banter but you need to hear it from him.

There is no excuse but blokes tend to admit more...or feel under less pressure if you point out it could be a misinterpretation!

I read into everything so much so I have to be careful!

Hope everything works out.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[Sandie_Cali]

I like the way you put it, I am starting to feel it was bantering as well, "Stupid Hormones" But I want to hear it from him and make sure we are on the right path.

Thank you

 

[minkymoo]

I can understand that it hurt your feelings, it would hurt anyone so you are not alone there.

I bet it is just the bantering and he will be more than embarrassed to admit that he acts that way around his mates.

Men are such cocks sometimes!

 

[TattooedMama]

Thats really hurtful and I understand how you must feel. Even if he was just saying that to a friend as 'guy banter' that is so uncalled for and he should be proud to have you and be bragging about how he can't wait to marry you. This is one of those things where you are going to have to ask. You can either come right out and let him know you saw the text or be sneaky and ask him when does he think he would like to get married and then bring up the text.

It is possible he was upset with you when he wrote that, many of us say stupid immature things when we ourselves are hurt or angry. Give him a chance to correct it but let him know how much it hurt you and made you question your lives together by seeing it. I hope he was just being an immature butthead because that is fixable. Good luck honey and let us know how it turns out!!!

 

[JaniceT]

Typical male ego speaking They like to do that with their mates, then come crawling back.

 

[minties]

Did you ask him to see what he said?

I want to get married one day but no way in hell I want a wedding...I hate the idea of wasting all that money on one day, and I don't like emotional soppiness in front of my family.

Maybe that is how he feels too?

 

[Sandie_Cali]

Did you ask him to see what he said?

I want to get married one day but no way in hell I want a wedding...I hate the idea of wasting all that money on one day, and I don't like emotional soppiness in front of my family.

Maybe that is how he feels too?

I am with you on the spending too much money thing, he on the other hand comes from a HUGE family and I am sure he would want his family there. The only thing is as it stands right now according to the text message, he doesnt want to marry me, nor has any intention on it.

I am going to be talking with him tonight about it.

 

[JaniceT]

If you're going to speak to him about marriage, please don't bring up that you went through his messages on the phone. Men like their privacy and so do women. Just try speaking to him about getting married in the near future, would surely do much better at achieving your goal All the best!

 

[Sandie_Cali]

Well we talked and I did tell him I went through his phone. He was not upset about me looking through his phone.

I told him that I wanted to know where our relationship was going? He stated we were moving forward working on a future like he always does, and then I asked him what does future mean to him? He stated til the end, I asked til the end what do you mean by that? He couldnt get the words out about marriage. That concerns me.

I then asked him point blank, are we going to get married? He stated eventually, I asked eventually as in 1 year 2 years?? Then he said he was not ready to get married financially and wanted to wait until he could contribute more financially. I told him that I was not going to wait 2 years nor should I even have to wait 1 year for him to ask me.

I told him point blank, that if he felt that I was not the one, I would not be angry but would move foward with my life and find the person I deserved to be with and have a family. He said he wants to be with me and he wants to marry me.

I told him I saw his phone and told him those words are not of a person who wants to marry me and those were not the words of a person who helped concieve our child nor wanted him. He said he told the person that he was not ready to have a child financially yet, and that he was not ready to have a child yet, that that was what he ment. I told him then why didnt you tell him that instead of down right denying it all. I told him he better recitfy what he said and has been saying to his friends, because I have been his sole support person through everything. I told him he better not talk smack about me behind my back to his punk a** friends ever again.

I told him again, if he does not feel that I am the one we should break up and move on. He said no he does not want to break up, then he fell asleep.

I personally dont think this conversation is over, because I want to know when we will get married or what his plans are, I am not convinced.

 

[JaniceT]

Is he the type who is dependant on your emotionally and mentally? How young is he? Could be that he's afraid of commitment.

 

[Sandie_Cali]

He is 10 yrs younger than I am, but not sure of how he is dependent?

 

[Twinminator]

There is a big difference between staying with somebody because you can't bear to be without them, and staying with someone because you can't bear to be alone. I would ask him honestly if, in you, it's the person he wants, or the familiarity. I'm not saying that's what the issue is, but it'll make him realise you're serious about ensuring this is the right relationship for you. Falling asleep on your conversation kind of sounds like he thinks you're fussing over nothing. xxx