What to say, What to say

[calilove77]

Ok, most of you Ladies are in the UK and see midwives. Sadly my insurance in the US did not cover that so I have a Dr, who I love, but still a Dr. We are planning on having an all natural/no pain medication birth/taking the Bradley Method Child Birthing class. It seems like most everyone in the States has an epidural, and I have absolutely no judgment on them, we have decided that that is not what we want.
I am constantly getting comments/opinions from people who ask about our birth plan. "Wow, you are crazy" or "Why in the world would you do that" or my favorite..." That is just because you have not experienced it before, just wait, you will be begging for one before its over with" and although I very well may be begging for one, that is not what I need to hear or asked to hear. I didn't ask to hear anything! I just need a little support!! My family thinks I'm crazy, so do my friends! I'm very tired of their opinions. When I explain my reasons they still just think I am crazy. I know my hormones are crazy right now, but come on, it is MY choice. It's not like I am asking them to do it for me! Have any of you ladies also experienced this??? What did you say? Any opinions on what to say? I would love to have a great come-back-line!

 

[nikkia08]

I had an epidural with my first but hoping to go natural with this one as i cant remember much of my labour I was that out of it i thought i was somewhere else and even thought my little sis had proposed to me at one point! I think best thing to say is youd rather experience labour naturally and remember every little thing about it than be drugged up and not know whats going on. Not that Im against the pain relief!

 

[~RedLily~]

i dont have this problem because im probably not going to be able to have an epidural because of a back problem but when ive told people i dont want anyone there when im in labour ive had looks that sort of say well that wont last long. it annoys me most when its men that do it.

 

[mamato2more]

It's not just in the US. It's everywhere! But, I am in the US and have had two homebirths and two almost three hospital births using the Bradley Method...So, I hear you! Just ignore them, and do what you need to do. I have even had docs try to talk me out of natural births..Is there not a midwife anywhere under a doc that you can see? That's who I am going with, and she's great..This is going to be a twin birth, so most of the rules go bye bye, but she's really doing what she can to help me in my natural birth. Good luck to you!! Also, there are a ton of forums on natural birth that are based in the US..

 

[LouLou78]

Ok, most of you Ladies are in the UK and see midwives. Sadly my insurance in the US did not cover that so I have a Dr, who I love, but still a Dr. We are planning on having an all natural/no pain medication birth/taking the Bradley Method Child Birthing class. It seems like most everyone in the States has an epidural, and I have absolutely no judgment on them, we have decided that that is not what we want.
I am constantly getting comments/opinions from people who ask about our birth plan. "Wow, you are crazy" or "Why in the world would you do that" or my favorite..." That is just because you have not experienced it before, just wait, you will be begging for one before its over with" and although I very well may be begging for one, that is not what I need to hear or asked to hear. I didn't ask to hear anything! I just need a little support!! My family thinks I'm crazy, so do my friends! I'm very tired of their opinions. When I explain my reasons they still just think I am crazy. I know my hormones are crazy right now, but come on, it is MY choice. It's not like I am asking them to do it for me! Have any of you ladies also experienced this??? What did you say? Any opinions on what to say? I would love to have a great come-back-line!

Not sure what to advise really, there can be quite the oposite response here in the UK, it is encouraged not to have an Epidural. Usually the response from family/professionals is 'oh you don't need the epidural, give gas and air a try, you might cope really well, see how you get on.....' Depends on the family/professional you are with and their views. We have this attitude here too.


Obviously Gas and Air isn't an option in most US states, which is a shame. One of the reasons our Epidural Rate is lower in the UK to others. Like you say, epidurals are more of the norm where you are, so it appears you are caught in the middle of that culture/attitude really, which varies from one place to another.

Its a shame you couldn't change services with the lack of support you are feeling. But then you can't change your families views. Just throw all the evidence at them regarding Epidurals and higher incidences of Caesarians or Instrumental Deliveries etc. Not sure what else to suggest. Good luck

 

[Shinning_Star]

Yeah I had noticed that on all the american programs of childbirth they ALL have epidural!

I can't advise on any back liners, but having had my first with and my second without, my third up and coming I'm planning to stay well awy from the epidural!

When you have it is it mobile or complete numbness? Cos there's sooo much evidence to proove epidural slows down labour, plus you have to have a catherer put in. (this is what caused me more problems than anything else cos they bruised me sooo bad I cldn't wee.) At least if you don't have it you can attend to your baby the first night yourself!

 

[Kai]

I did it with a bit of oxygen and it was incredible. I loved every second of labor. My labor was 12 hours long, about 10.5-11 of them back labor, and my son was 7.2 and 19 inches- not too big, I know. My birth was ideal for ME.

I got "oh, you'll be begging for the epidural at 5 centimeters" and "Oh wow, well, your funeral". My favorite was "HA, you won't make it." I don't care about epidurals or pain meds in labor- to each their own. It was insulting, however. How would somebody react if I said something like (And I don't believe this just so we're clear) "Oh you didn't have a REAL labor since you got medicated".

I slept between contractions and told myself that the contractions were GOOD pains and that they were wonderful. I took a deep breath with them and groaned it out. I was loud, but I didn't scream or cry during labor. It was very peaceful and my family and labor nurse said I was very nice and very forceful. It was absolutely incredible.

I had a birth plan with my ideal situation and what I wanted in case of an emergency. I asked the nurses not to offer any pain medication at all. I went over my birth plan with my doula, boyfriend, and doctor. I hope to have a water birth at home next time!

 

[mommy-in-june]

I ended up in an emergency c-section first time around... this time I'm having a scheduled c-section. Before the section in my first labor, I found the breathing to be VERY helpful... and it has actually helped me in many other life scenarios where I was in pain or even panicking.

I have a word for you: COURAGEOUS! It is wonderful that you want to go natural. I admire women everywhere that find natural ways to deal with their pain. So, kudos to you, and screw the people who criticize you for it!

 

[Sunflowers]

One thing I've noticed from here is just how medicalised birth seems to be in america - I can't remember which thread it was on but reading of how a 36 weeker would be given an amnio to check for lung development prior to a c-section - that would NEVER happen here! I think the main difference is that here births are mw led until things deviate from the norm and that midwives are "guardians of normal birth" - I used to love coming home from a shift having supported a woman through an entirely normal birth! Is it maybe the litigation int he states that makes everything so medical? I dunno..

Any road! See how you go - yes there's the theory that if you have a headache you'd have a paracetamol so why go through labour without pain relief but if you didn't need paracetamol for the headache you wouldn't take it and the same with labour - you don't HAVE to have it just because it's there, only if you NEED it! And you might crack on just fine without it!

Good luck!

 

[chrissypm]

I had an epidural with my first but hoping to go natural with this one as i cant remember much of my labour I was that out of it i thought i was somewhere else and even thought my little sis had proposed to me at one point! I think best thing to say is youd rather experience labour naturally and remember every little thing about it than be drugged up and not know whats going on. Not that Im against the pain relief!

What else were you given besides an epidural? Typically an epidural does nothing to your state of mind unless you had some sort of reaction to it?

 

[nightkd]

Hey hun, I am from the UK, but living in the US. I started out with a Dr, but moved on to a MW because the Doc couldn't accommodate my desired birth plan and...he just wasn't suited to me as well as a MW! (We are uninsured...)

I'm planning a home/hypno/waterbirth and I've had a lot of scepticism - surprisingly very little from DH's family (American) but my own family are questioning the safety of homebirth, don't believe I can go 'without' pain relief (though the water and the hypnobirthing are a form of pain management/relief anyway) and are generally not being as supportive as I would hope!!

It pees me off when people assume that I will be having pain relief, or needing it, simply because it's the 'routine' thing... It's worse in the US it seems, as hospitals do a lot of routine things and seem very much like they just want to get the mother in and out as quickly as possible - if that requires administering loads of different kinds of drugs and then pushing for a C-Section, it doesn't seem to be a big deal!! None of the hospitals here do waterbirths, so I've opted for home...It makes me feel a lot better also because then I am in control and my MW will know my birth plan and there won't be nurses pushing me into having drugs I don't need, or bothering me by questioning WHY I'm not wanting drugs... Blah, I could get into a much longer rant

Anyway, with the hypnobirthing stuff, it's basically about getting into the mindset where you are confident that your body can do it's job and deliver a child! You stay relaxed and avoid tensing up and making it hurt and lengthening the labour unnecessarily - so...being questioned every step of the way with "What if you need to be rushed into hospital?"..."What if you need pain relief?"..."What if something goes wrong?" etc etc, does NOT help in the slightest.

I've taken to finding info on the web and sending people articles etc to answer their questions. I can still tell they don't quite trust my decisions, but it stops them talking at me for a while

I'm using a lot of info on birthing positions (eg squatting being optimal for giving birth) info on hypnobirthing and how it works, stories from mum's who have given birth in water and videos of hypno/waterbirths - just so people can see that birth doesn't have to be like they show on TV - it can be calm, quiet and peaceful and women are perfectly capable of doing it without pain relief!!!

DH actually made a comment about the 'irritating music' in the background of the hypnobirthing tracks I've been listening to...he continued making comments and eventually I just told him "Well, it's a good thing you're not the one giving birth then, isn't it?"

For those who question my ability to birth naturally "My body is made to do it..." Our bodies have been made to do everything else without needing assistance...Why should giving birth be any different? It's a natural thing that we were made to do!

Personally I would just say to them "I am confident in my body, I was made to give birth and I want to try and do it without pain relief. I would prefer to have your support, otherwise please don't talk to me about it because all it does it make me unnecessarily nervous - I'm the one giving birth, my choice to have a natural birth isn't hurting you!"

xx

P.S Sorry that was so long and rambley - it IS 2:30am

 

[Howiesmum]

Hi Hun

I agree with Nightkd... I haven't had my LO yet but was planning a very similar birth to both you and nightkd here in the UK.

Thankfully my hospital has a home from home environment on the side so you can deliver within the hospital grounds with a MW present but not on beds with drugs... it's all just matting on the floor with a pool and birth balls etc... You can have gas and air but that's it... we're planning to use Aromatherapy and massage to do a lot of the work.

I completely believe our bodies are designed to do this and poeple give birth all around the world every day in weird and wonderful places and don't have any pain relief and often no medial professional attending!

I think what you have planned is lovely and great and will stand you in really good stead to start caring for your baby as soon as it arrives, without having to wait for an epidural to wear off etc...

In the UK you would def be encouraged to go with what you have planned, but keep your mind opened to any options should you need them.

My MW keeps reminding me that the most important part of your birthing experience is a healthy baby and healthy you at the end of it and all that happens along the way doesn't matter...

Good luck with it all and stick by your own views,

xxx

 

[Missy86]

I have the same problem with my SIL, She had two epidurials and told me I wont be able to cope till the guy comes round with the drungs wtf

I am planning to just use the gas and air and tens machine and see how I go, I dont really think you can go into birth saying you want an epi cos then you will deffo have one, just my opinion.

Saying that if it gets to much I will have one, just think you should listen to what your body tells you

 

[LoobyBump]

Hi all...

Although i respect everyones right to have the birth that they want without people passing judgement...with or without pain relief... i have to point out a few things regarding epidurals....

I have had 2 births and 2 epidurals, and plan to have another with this baby..

I have no idea what other people have been given drug wise with their epidurals, but it numbs the lower half of your body, it doesn't 'drug' you up, make you forget things, etc. (Unless some kind of allergy to the anaesthetic takes place maybe). Unlike gas & air, pethadine and similar it is purely an anasthetic, not mind altering in any way.

Also, a few people have suggested that you are unable to care for your baby following an epidural. Well, within an hour/hour and a half i have been up off the bed in the bath, cleaned up and more or less recovered from the numbness. The catheter stays in for a few hours, but you are NOT unable to care for/feed your baby...that is total rubbish! And before being able to get up and use my legs again, i had my babies on my chest with me....not being cared for by anyone else.

Oh and one other point, i have had normal deliveries, no forceps, no suction caps, no c-sections, no stitches and pushed both girls out without problem.

I'm sorry if i offend anyone here, as stated at the start of this post i respect the ways any woman chooses to give birth, but i do get very tired of the 'Epidural battering' that comes up so often. It seems sometimes people have little respect for women who choose to go the epidural route. (ANd remember, some of us may have medical reasons/illness/disease that means there is little option than have an epidural and others just WANT one).

Ok, my little rant is over now xxx

 

[calilove77]

Thank you to the ladies who gave me advice on what I was asking/looking for! I have found so much support on this site, not sure what I would do with out my Baby and Bump ladies!

 

[luv2jig]

I get the same kind of reactions! It's very very very unusual in the US to not have an epidural or pain relief of some kind and the C-section rate is near 30% when the WHO reccomends a rate above 15% is unnecessary.

Try as hard as you can to ignore the nay-sayers and stand up for yourself. Tell them that it hurts your feelings that they don't support you (ie friends and family). Or maybe say something like "Well, it's my decision to make and I've made it!"

Geez, I could go on about this for days. A friend gave me a great book called "Birth as an American Rite of Passage." It's been a great read and confirmed everything I already thought about hospital births.

 

[nikkia08]

I had an epidural with my first but hoping to go natural with this one as i cant remember much of my labour I was that out of it i thought i was somewhere else and even thought my little sis had proposed to me at one point! I think best thing to say is youd rather experience labour naturally and remember every little thing about it than be drugged up and not know whats going on. Not that Im against the pain relief!

What else were you given besides an epidural? Typically an epidural does nothing to your state of mind unless you had some sort of reaction to it?

Sorry I also had 2 diamorphine injections which was the cause of the "out of it" feeling, the epidural made it worse tho as i was so exhausted the only thing keeping me sane was the pain of contractions. Once they dissappeared i really had no idea where i was. Shouldve made that clear. sorry again

 

[nikkia08]

Hi all...

Although i respect everyones right to have the birth that they want without people passing judgement...with or without pain relief... i have to point out a few things regarding epidurals....

I have had 2 births and 2 epidurals, and plan to have another with this baby..

I have no idea what other people have been given drug wise with their epidurals, but it numbs the lower half of your body, it doesn't 'drug' you up, make you forget things, etc. (Unless some kind of allergy to the anaesthetic takes place maybe). Unlike gas & air, pethadine and similar it is purely an anasthetic, not mind altering in any way.

Also, a few people have suggested that you are unable to care for your baby following an epidural. Well, within an hour/hour and a half i have been up off the bed in the bath, cleaned up and more or less recovered from the numbness. The catheter stays in for a few hours, but you are NOT unable to care for/feed your baby...that is total rubbish! And before being able to get up and use my legs again, i had my babies on my chest with me....not being cared for by anyone else.

Oh and one other point, i have had normal deliveries, no forceps, no suction caps, no c-sections, no stitches and pushed both girls out without problem.

I'm sorry if i offend anyone here, as stated at the start of this post i respect the ways any woman chooses to give birth, but i do get very tired of the 'Epidural battering' that comes up so often. It seems sometimes people have little respect for women who choose to go the epidural route. (ANd remember, some of us may have medical reasons/illness/disease that means there is little option than have an epidural and others just WANT one).

Ok, my little rant is over now xxx

I totally agree with you! I was up and about straight away after my son was born, i even asked the MW if i could carry him down to the ward (she said no) and i delivered him normally also. And i never even had a catheter put in. I only want to try labour without an epidural this time purely because ive had it with one. Dont get me wrong it is always an option! Im not completely writing it off!

 

[DaisyBee]

No real advice but just to say ... just ignore what people say. You'll have to get used to it cause besides people putting their 2 cents in about epi or not EVERYONE seems to have advice once the baby is here.

When pregnant I had friends tell me I would be crazy not to have an epi & a mil who is so against them that its all she would talk about some days. I went into labor undecided - and wanted to see how it went. I was induced at 37 weeks. I didnt have a chance to relax at all between contractions - they were right on top of each other from the start. After they broke my water they doubled my pitocin even though they had been increasing the dosage every 15 min all morning. I ended up deciding that for me - I wanted the epi. I was glad I had it - but dont' think if you dont want one you are crazy. Everyone has different labor and different pain threshholds. Its your decision - your body. Don't let a dr. your dh, your nurse, your friend decide for you.

Everyone has advice - get used to listening and nodding and then forget about it. You are going to be a mom & when pregnant and after what you do and don't do with your body and your baby is your decision.

 

[bebedawl]

honestly - people have nerve. even women who have given birth before that seem to be making these comments. id say their comments of "you wont make it" etc, sounds like they are just projecting their own delivery on you.

NO ONE should tell you that you cant do anything. a birth plan is a wonderful start to knowing what you want and following it. skrew the norms, because just as babies are all different, so are deliveries. and so are the women delivering!

be strong!