What would you do in this situation? MIL question...

[Ashley8806]

So we live about 2 minutes away from the inlaws. We already see them way too often (for me anyways, lol). Well MIL called the other day and asked if I knew if I was having a csection or not, or when she should tell her work to take a weeks vacation for when the baby comes....?!?

Ok when DD1 was born, our house was like a revolving door. I understnad people wanting to visit, but it got ridiculous. I was trying to recover from a csection, I was tired, and having bf issues. Now she wants to take vacation for this one, meaning she plans on being around a lot.... .ugh. I don't know what to do. I don't want to be a bitch, but at the same time people need to give us our space.

 

[hoptingfor3]

I would just let her know you are going to try to have as much "quiet time" as possible and want to limit visitors but if you get overwhelmed and need her help, you will calll and ask for her help.

 

[ahcigar1]

You may just have to be firm and a bitch. It is more improtant for you and LO to have bonding time and rest especially after a section which is major surgery. If I were in your shoes I would either a)play stupid and say you don't know yet or b)tell her flat out you aren't going to be taking any visitors at first. And if she comes over anyway ignoring your requests nothing says you ahve to answer the door. Hopefully she would get the point very quickly. And if not and hubby opens the door or something then just go into another room and have hubby just say the both of you are taking a nap or your feeding so please come another time or better yet say you will contact them when convenient to come over.

 

[Ashley8806]

Thanks.... we have tried to nicely explain this stuff to her before - she used to come over every night and bring us dinner, as if I didn't cook for the family or something. We finally told her we don't need the food as we didn't want it all going to waste since we have our own, and she blew up on me and took huge offense to it. I just don't think she understands.....

 

[Kylily]

Maybe say what you said in your post, that you don't want to seem ungrateful but in those first weeks you and hubby, baby and LO need some time together and that you will need quiet time to establish bf etc! Maybe suggest she takes some time of later to help out!
I've said this to mine who expected to be around all the time to "help" I've said I'd promise to call if I needed help but what was important to me was our family adjusting together to the new arrival and that quiet time was what was needed!
Good luck, it's always hard when in laws are involved!

 

[Ashley8806]

You may just have to be firm and a bitch. It is more improtant for you and LO to have bonding time and rest especially after a section which is major surgery. If I were in your shoes I would either a)play stupid and say you don't know yet or b)tell her flat out you aren't going to be taking any visitors at first. And if she comes over anyway ignoring your requests nothing says you ahve to answer the door. Hopefully she would get the point very quickly. And if not and hubby opens the door or something then just go into another room and have hubby just say the both of you are taking a nap or your feeding so please come another time or better yet say you will contact them when convenient to come over.

We've tried the whole not answering the door thing before - she stayed pounding on the door for a half hour and calling our phones And DH doesn't see the problem with it - he's not the one that's tired

 

[Ashley8806]

If they lived a long ways away and we didn't see them very often, it would be different, and I would just tell her to come a couple weeks or so after baby is born. I just don't understand why she needs to take vacation when she already lives 2 minutes away and is over here all the time anyway? lol I just don't get it...

 

[Zodiac]

Just tell her you don't have any frim dates right now, and tell her it really isn't necessary for her to miss time from work. After that, maybe it would be easier to have your husband speak to her?

Personally, when I know a conversation with my MIL is going to go worng, or that she is going to interpert what I say into what she wants to hear I let my husband deal with her so I don't end up in an unpleasant situation.

 

[Ashley8806]

Yeah I told her I don't know if I need a csection or not yet, because I'm trying for a vbac but baby is still breech right now, so I don't know when it will be. But I swear DH is still attached to her cord, so he won't really stand up much to her...

 

[Emma&Freya]

Id tell my OH to tell her that you want alone time.

Knocking for ages and calling your mobile, Id be going mad! Im lucky that I have such a lovely MIL (well boyfriends mum )

 

[LittleStars]

I would be absolutely firm telling her that last time around you found it very stressful trying to recover and establish BFing with so many people around and so initially unless you require the help you would like to be left relatively undisturbed. Also you can mention that since it's not your first time you will be better prepared to handle this little adventure.

Now that being said and done sounds like the woman won't take no for answer so you need to tell your DH the truth of the matter so that he can be on your team and stand up for you when she doesn't want to listen. One suggestion to appease her though would be to suggest that if she could take your DD1 out for a day of fun, overnight here and there etc that would be super helpful and appreciated. It would be a way to include her but not have her in your hair.

Also definitely establish time limits per visit! Don't let her interupt your routines, make sure all visits are announced and agreed upon ahead of time.

I have a difficult MIL who I suspect will be difficult to manage once the babies comes and I know for a fact that I will stand my ground and if she doesn't like it 'oh well'.

Best of luck.

 

[Leopard]

I know how you feel darl, and the only way you are going to get around it is to quite simply to tell her where to go. We currently have FIL living with us and I"m ready to beat him up, he was supposed to have gone 2 months ago xD. So believe me, I know all about the personal space issues.

 

[Ashley8806]

Thanks everyone - I don't think her intentions are to come and 'help' though, just spend time with the baby. This is bringing back memories of how much hell I went through last time, because it seemed like a competition between them and my parents, and I was always in the middle. Maybe she just wants to be around for the most part when i'm in the hospital? But even then, I don't want a thousand people there right away. Last time with my csection right after she was born they took her away to the nursery to check her over, and I didn't get to see her for an hour, and that whole time everyone was there taking pictures and enjoying her while I was alone in a recovery room. It's not fair, and I don't see how they can think that's okay.

 

[Tigerlilies]

I feel for you and over baring MILs. You just might have to be up front with her and not beat around the bush b.c for whatever reason trying to be too nice about it makes them think there's this off chance they could still do what they want instead of what you and DH want.

Perhaps offer her to just take a three/four day weekend off therefore you're not completely denying her but the majority of the time will be the weekend when DH will be home too.

My MIL at first try to get me to agree with her being in the room during delivery which is complete no go for me. Why she thinks I would be okay with her seeing me half naked when the woman hasn't even seen me in a bathing suite! She even lied to me about being in the room for her other DIL. So DH and I agreed that no one would be called until it was done and over with. She accepted that from him but every time she talks to me to tries pushing to have us call when I start to feel something. She even talked about sleeping on our couch to help me out and she only lives 30 minutes away so I really do feel for you.

 

[Ashley8806]

I know how you feel darl, and the only way you are going to get around it is to quite simply to tell her where to go. We currently have FIL living with us and I"m ready to beat him up, he was supposed to have gone 2 months ago xD. So believe me, I know all about the personal space issues.

Living with FIL? I probably would have slit my wrists by now. (lol jk, but you know what I mean)

 

[babyhopes2010]

BE HONEST!

iv told people to not come over for at least 4-7days! If they have a problem with it i wont tell them when babies born! x

 

[Ashley8806]

I feel for you and over baring MILs. You just might have to be up front with her and not beat around the bush b.c for whatever reason trying to be too nice about it makes them think there's this off chance they could still do what they want instead of what you and DH want.

Perhaps offer her to just take a three/four day weekend off therefore you're not completely denying her but the majority of the time will be the weekend when DH will be home too.

My MIL at first try to get me to agree with her being in the room during delivery which is complete no go for me. Why she thinks I would be okay with her seeing me half naked when the woman hasn't even seen me in a bathing suite! She even lied to me about being in the room for her other DIL. So DH and I agreed that no one would be called until it was done and over with. She accepted that from him but every time she talks to me to tries pushing to have us call when I start to feel something. She even talked about sleeping on our couch to help me out and she only lives 30 minutes away so I really do feel for you.

She has also asked to be in the room if I have a VBAC. I don't even want my own mom in there, just Dh, so I couldn't believe she had the nerve to ask.

DH works overnights, and I don't get to see him but on Thurs, Fri, and Sat. Otherwise he is working or sleeping. And he's taking 1, maybe 2, weeks off to stay home, so I would like to have that time together with him too And she knows this.... I just don't think she cares.....

 

[chezziepie]

I wouldn't tell her if baby doesn't move

 

[pink mum]

i think she wants to help u out after ur baby is born,like she can look after ur baby when u r asleep or taking rest,after cesarian person is going thru diff events.so she just want to lessen u can say ur burden or work,

 

[Mazzy]

Seems like your DH should be the one speaking to her about this, not you. It's his mother.

Does he speak to your mother about issues like this or does he let you handle all family matters?

Maybe now is the time to nip that in the bud.