What's your motivation?

[MunkyPickle]

This thread is quickly turning into a knock down drag out insult fest.... I think I will keep my input on the subject at hand to myself

 

[ahicks07]

This thread is quickly turning into a knock down drag out insult fest.... I think I will keep my input on the subject at hand to myself

Yeah, the thread took a turn I wasn't expecting. I only saw one somewhat answer to the original question... What's your motivation?
1 - If you're young, WHY are you TTC already, or ("just because I wanna" does not count as an answer.)
2 - If you aren't married, but have polans to get married one day, why are you TTC now? If you aren't married and "dont believe in marriage" that's one thing, but if you plan to get married why are you wanting a kid first? I don't get it.

 

[mammag]

Wow. I agree. My daughter i had to raise by my self for two and a half years before my DH came in to the pic. Yes he is FOB, just wasn't ready when she was born. Our motivation is that we are wed and we would both love another child and for him to experiance the whole thing, and he is an amazing parent

He's an amazing parent that was absent for the first 2.5 years of your child's life? Hmmm

He's not the child's birth father, he stepped in and took the role on, that takes a very good man IMO.

Yes, it is. That's totally not how I read the post though.

Oh I read the post wrong, didn't know what FOB meant? Sorry

 

[jennahlou]

im 19. i got pregnant with beany at 17 wich ended in m/c at 14 weeks. me n dp have been trying since. my motivation is that ive always known i wanted to be a family. im not your typical 19 year old and im not intrested in going out drinkinging and partying. i believe me and dp are just as capable as raising a child the same as someone who is older. we are both very financially stable, have our own home etc and isnt the most important thing for a child to have 2 parents that love them more than the world whether they are married or not.

 

[Cara89]

1 - If you're young, WHY are you TTC already, or ("just because I wanna" does not count as an answer.)
2 - If you aren't married, but have polans to get married one day, why are you TTC now? If you aren't married and "dont believe in marriage" that's one thing, but if you plan to get married why are you wanting a kid first? I don't get it.

1. Define 'young'. I am 22 & DF is 21 and we are TTC #1, the reason is because I love children and have always wanted to start my family young. He loves me, and even though he was a bit hesitant 15 months ago when we started TTC, he now is just as involved with it as I am.

2.Obviously DF & I do intend to get married someday, we have been engaged for almost a year. The reason why we are TTC now as opposed to waiting until we do get married is because we have our own priorities in life. For some people they would prefer the marriage to come before the children... that's what my parents wanted me to make sure I did. Personally, I could care less when the marriage happens - since I know it is going to happen, but DF & I want the joy of a child in our lives now. Just because we haven't gotten married yet doesn't mean that we can't love & respect eachother and a child just as much as a married couple can.

That's just my opinion. I have enough love for everyone.

 

[Sarah10]

There seems to be a stereotype that all teenagers live with their parents etc. In our case, i was 16 and moved out of home, with o/h, we both had jobs, i was going to college on the side, ttc when i was 17, i had him at 18, now i'm 19 and ttc. We don't rely on anyone else to pay/look after our son, he is OUR responsibility! We are engaged, though haven't gotten married yet, haven't planned it out etc.

 

[Cara89]

... isnt the most important thing for a child to have 2 parents that love them more than the world whether they are married or not.

Very well said. Imho that is the #1 most important thing a child needs.

 

[jennahlou]

... isnt the most important thing for a child to have 2 parents that love them more than the world whether they are married or not.

Very well said. Imho that is the #1 most important thing a child needs.

well it is. and as long as both parents can do that i dont really see what it matters whether they are married or not or even if they dont stay together. just because im young doesnt mean im automatically a bad mother.

 

[nautegesocks]

im quite young at 23 my oh is 25 i dont think were to young to be ttc i have lived my life to the full done the partying done the traveling i am now engaged to the love of my life and trying to make a child . we are going to get married eventualy but would rather use the finances and savings we have on a baby and a house rather than blowing a load of it on 1 day. we fully intend to get married and have an amaising wedding planned but dont want to wait to have children. before we got engaged we spoke about our ideal time and age to start a family and we both said 25 if we concive in the next couple of months i will be 24 and he 26 when our child is born so its the perfect time.

......... plus could you imagine how amaizing and special it would be to have your child be part of your wedding as a flower girl or page boy .... plus we want to honeymoon at disneyland would be even more magical with a child involved

 

[lucybee]

This thread is quickly turning into a knock down drag out insult fest.... I think I will keep my input on the subject at hand to myself

Yeah, the thread took a turn I wasn't expecting. I only saw one somewhat answer to the original question... What's your motivation?
1 - If you're young, WHY are you TTC already, or ("just because I wanna" does not count as an answer.)
2 - If you aren't married, but have polans to get married one day, why are you TTC now? If you aren't married and "dont believe in marriage" that's one thing, but if you plan to get married why are you wanting a kid first? I don't get it.

No judgments from me either way! (especially since I am the result of an unplanned pregnancy) I am just curious about people's motivations as well - I just love hearing different points of view!

 

[Octopus]

I think my surprise on young people having children is that I really, really wanted to live my life without attachment at that age. That said, I think people need to consider the best interest of the (future) children, no matter what their age or relationship status.

Yes, some people marry, and divorce, but getting married forces you (well, some people) to work harder at a relationship that's worth saving. By not being married, it's too easy to give up and walk away because their are truly no strings attached.

I understand your viewpoint, but my approach to my relationship with my husband completely changed when he became my husband. It just changed things. Solidified our relationship. There's a reason behind the phrase "and 2 become 1." That doesn't happen just because you're happy and in a committed relationship. If you're truly happy and truly committed, why is a "piece of paper" so scary?

I don't think marriage is a piece of paper. I think it's a symbolic promise. My opinion is that "playing house" is just lazy. There's no financial benefit to playing house. If you're paying bills with a combined income as though you were married, one of you is likely to get SCREWED if the other gets a wild hair and walks away. If you're paying everything halfies like roommates, it becomes a business transaction which is just plain boring.

Have you looked at the stats of divorce in your country? It's very pathetic. I don't really think marriage forces people to work harder. At all. Divorce statistics actually support my opinion.

I respect your opinion as your opinion, but calling people lazy because they choose to "play house" could also be offensive. After all, just because I think "insert person's name" is ugly doesn't mean I should share it as my opinion, right? You do realize not everyone is allowed to get married, right? Furthermore there is a financial benefit to playing house, provided you know how tax laws benefit your situation. Lastly, there are a vast amount of protections you can put in place to ensure if the other has a "wild hair" and walks away, you aren't left with nothing. I'm sorry you aren't aware of all of these things, but they do exist.

i think the problem isnt marriage as such but people who arent set up to have children putting the burden of what they want onto the people around them. ***

I can completely understand this viewpoint, regardless of my opinion(s) on things.

 

[booboo19]

I got married in 1997 the following year i had my son and soon after my marriage broke up. For the next 10 years i was on my own bringing my son up with the help of my lovely family.During those 10 years i longed to meet someone special and try for another baby. Two and a half years ago i met the man i want to spend the rest of my life with, we are not married or even want to get married, as things are great as they are for us. We have now been TTC for 13 months now, im 39 and i believe that it doesn't matter wether your married or not, you can be totally commited to someone and have a strong relationship without having to take vows or get a marriage licence. If a relationship is going to end, it will end married or not.

Best wishes to you all x

 

[ferens06]

We are 22/23 and we intend to get married one day but don't have a set date/aren't engaged. I think if I get pregnant we will get married before the baby is born because OH is from a traditional family. This issue is quite controversial and slightly irritates me. Both my aunty and my mum have raised all of their children without getting married. My aunty has been with her partner for 25 years, they have not married and have two children...it has not affected their abilities as parents nor their lives in general.

We live in a house together just like a married couple would do, both have full time jobs and our degrees. Married or not, we're off to a good start.

 

[hazeleyes1556]

I think I might be in the "young" category, I'm 20 and married for a year 3ish months (look at the ticker below...after a year I haven't kept track as much)

My reasons for TTC is that we own a beautiful house, have two dogs, and have a stable income...the nice thing about the army is your paid no matter what. Yes I'm 20 but I'm done with college, and my husband is 25 and he's ready for a little one.

It all depends on the person, do I think 14 year olds should try to get pregnant...no but everyone has their own reasons.

 

[LilLeafyLea]

Hi ahicks,

Yes, I'm definitely going to call you old fashioned lol! I think the old way isn't necessarily the right way - and particularly not the right way for everyone. My oh and I have been together for eight years and I would certainly consider us to be in a solid relationship and don't see the need to prove that to anyone else. We celebrate our love for one another every day. We don't have to celebrate it to the world at large or to a perceived notion of 'God' as neither of us are religious. As an earlier post put it, I don't want to go along with social conventions 'just because that's what you do'.

I also don't think that not being married and giving one half of the relationship an easy way out once things get messy is a one of the major reasons to get married? Surely you would need to question the nature of the relationship as that will occur regardless of marriage. I know this isn't THE reason you stated for getting married but you 'say' it like people who are unmarried don't enter into holy matrimony so it's a quick escape route.

Sorry if the debate seems to have taken a downward spiral but I think it's the way you have come across regarding non married TTCers regardless of age really. You seem to be insinuating that they are not as serious, or not to be taken as seriously than married couples who are ttc. However, If I replace your word 'marriage' with the words in a 'stable, loving relationship' I completely agree with you!

I'm 27, my oh will soon be 28. We met at University, fell very much in love and have been ttc for 16months now so we are at a good age to be ttc.

In response to your first question regarding the motivation for ttc - I would have to say that I don't really agree with your choice of words. Nothing motivates me in having children, it is an innate feeling that I've had for a very long time as I feel will be the case with most women ttc and mothers alike.

I don't think you can really question anyone's motivation for having children as everyone's situation is different but it is the primary function of our reproductive organs and it is essentially the reason we are all here and precisely what we are all here to do. The why's, where's and when's are insignificant in the grand scheme of things.

In response to your second question, I really can't talk for my future self say, in five or ten years time. I may have had a complete change of opinion and want to get married, but for the time being we are perfectly content with the way we are. Again, to respond to your comment on this question, why do you naturally assume that children can't precede marriage or cannot be correct decisions to make if marriage isn't on the cards at all?? There have been countless sins and misdemeanour's committed within marriage - it isn't an iron clad statement of your oath not to cheat, lie, abuse a child, abuse each other etc. It's all about the individual - and yes, I have heard the saying 'when two become one' but when both (or either) of those people are willing to commit any of the aforementioned things - does it make them any better if they are married? The married contract is a promise between two people but promises can be, and are often broken. An unmarried couple have a verbal contract lets say, it may not be worth the 'paper' it's written on but the same is precisely true of marriage.

Marriage has never been something that has been a priority for us, we're in a loving relationship - there is nothing emotionally removed or business-like about our relationship in regards to the way we carry out our financial affairs we handle these things just as married couples do - viscious arguing and playing the blame game - haha!

Throughout history the norm was to have children much younger than we do these days and in recent years, the trend in women has been to wait until they have a career under their belt and conceive in their 40s and 50s where more complications are likely to abound - either way I don't see what this has to do with anyone else or their right to judge (but of course this is a part of human nature). I personally don't see an issue in either of these points as no one could deny a woman's right or emotional state in having children as long it is their choice and it is at the point where it is an informed one.

I just think we think differently ahicks, it's mostly attributable to a generation/religious thing (no offense intended there) married couples are, in my opinion, in no way superior to unmarried couples. Everyone has their own opinions and I do respect yours!

What you certainly have done is open the floodgates to a very interesting debate and as a Philosophy and English Language graduate (which you may tell by the 10,000 word essay I have just produced!) I thank you very much! Take care and best of luck on your ttc journey x

 

[Sommerfugl]

Nicely put Leafy!

 

[Brosey]

I'm 19 next month, and i've had 2 previous long term relationships (both over a year) and I have never even thought about my future with them. My OH I have been with for over a year and I can honestly say he is one of a kind. Hes joining the army soon, so we are getting married within the next year. Resulting in me living on base with him nd LO, independant, not burderning anyone. It'll be our little family, our life!
I agree some people our age are not ready, but I have never been interested in partying, I have 3 close friends, I also have a full time job that pays well, so does OH at the moment, I own a car and have plenty of money in my savings.
I may be young, but I sure as hell know that I'll be a damn good mother, I have so much love to give, I could just cry!

I know a lot of people could never understand, but it's very important to me, and I know that we can handle it
I don't think it's selfish to want to give complete and utter love to a baby of your own, when you know you can have a stable home for it.

 

[TiggerToo]

ahicks07 -- this is my second time trying to reply and so this won't be as long (internet is being a diva).

I think it is ignorant that you refer to people that don't do it your way as playing house or simply living a business transaction. I find that it's a very close minded approach and does not make you correct, but you are entitled to your opinions. I respect you for stating your opinion, I just don't agree.

I am not scared of getting married and neither is my SO (we are engaged after all). We are choosing to get married, but don't feel like we HAVE to. We are very financially secure, have a great home, and are happy. Neither of us feels that we could or would want to just run away because we aren't bound to one another by a document. Many people in the world manage to have strong relationships and raise happy children without getting married. There are also plenty that are happily married with happy children. Getting married does not automatically make people work harder-- it depends on each relationship. You may work harder personally, but you can't attest for the rest of the world.

I'm not saying that people should or shouldn't get married; it's an independent decision that should be made on their own. I will agree that it does make life easier (benefits, other documents, some financial matters), but I still won't say that everyone in the world needs to get married to be successful in their relationship. To each his own.

I'm with you. I've been married for eleven years. Anyone who says there isn't some sort of "business transaction" aspect to this has got to be kidding. Marriage is FULL of transactions, promises, and "contracts", and there have been times over the last eleven years that the only thing that's kept us together has been a sense of obligation.

And I think we're completely normal.

(And anyone who dares to say DH and I 'just didn't love each other enough' or blah blah blah obviously knows neither of us. My point is, we've had rough times like everyone else has - and sometimes the only thing holding you through that time IS the fact that you're married. It's life, and sometimes it sucks.)

You're right. Everyone's life, experiences, and circumstances are different, and if the only way I could have a child was by myself, I'd do it, hands down.

"Tradition" doesn't mean "one size fits all" - in reality, it NEVER did. We were just taught it did.

To me, anyway.

 

[Aliciatm]

i think the first of this thread is judgmental.. you never know the young ladies could have better relationships than yourself. Who are you to judge other people. I think God will do what he wants planned or not. I dont think you should be posting things like this. Its not only judgmental but hurtful. You have no idea what some people have been through or their thoughts on ttc. Also how can you judge someone you dont even know??? its ridiculous.

 

[tiger]

i had jesse at 18 with my fiance and we were trying, ive always wanted kids, id been there done that with the partying thing, im very maternal and just wanted to settle down. seemed like right thing to do for us. we got married last october when jesse was 7months and we are ttc number 2 now .